Holiday Heartache

The holidays bring up sadness and heartache for me as they do other birthmothers when they should bring happiness and joy. I'm not saying that I'm not happy but there is something missing, something that my heart yearns for. It yearns for seeing my son, to see him open his gifts on Christmas, to see him get so excited over being with family, and eating ham and sugar cookies.

During these times I tend to pull away, I tend to be non-communicative. I just want to be able to hold him, to tell him Merry Christmas, to tell him how amazing he is and that the miracle he is will never go unnoticed, even from Santa. But at this time of the year I know that isn't possible. I hope in the future that I will be able to see him and be with him on Christmas. I know that I shouldn't complain because I got to see him on his 1st birthday, and be there to celebrate with him, but I just can't shake the feeling that I want more. And that's hard to ask for since he lives 2,000 miles away.

I know that he is going to be surrounded by his amazing family, friends, and parents that I could ever ask for, but I always think to myself..."does he wish I was there?, does he think of me? does he know I'm missing?" And I know that is something I shouldn't be thinking of because well, he's 18 months old, but I always wonder if him as a child of adoption that he knows something is missing.

I feel like something is missing, I know something is missing and I feel it every single day and unfortunately this time of the year just exacerbates those feelings. I guess it's even more apparent when my sister-in-law is due to have her baby this month and my baby fever will just get worse. Seeing my family and friends having their babies during Christmas makes me wish that I could have him around just to know that I am with him. And I know that I have two other children at home that I am so very grateful for, but unfortunately this time of year makes my heart ache worse then ever.

And my heart seems to be aching so much more, now that he's getting older. In 6 months he will be 2 and I will no longer be considered a "new birth mom" I will just be well...I will just BE.

Why is it that there is never a day of rest? Or a day where I don't wish to kiss him? to hold him? to snuggle him? or to see his face? I see him in my children, because he is a part of me, and sometimes that makes it worse.

How do the holidays make you feel? How do you cope?

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Education is Key

Television shows this fall seem to be portraying a lot of adoption storylines. Unfortunately, they aren't portraying it the way that it really is and this kind of worries me.

I am a huge fan of the show Glee. In the first season, they did a story line about adoption and I think they did it justice. The characters seemed to go through what we as birth parents go through, such as grieving, and dealing with other people such as parents, peers, and family.

But now that it is season 3, they have brought back that story line, and needless to say, I am not a happy camper about it. In a recent episode. the adoptive Mom tells Quinn (the birthmother) that she wants her to be a part of the baby's life but not until she gets her act together. And at the end of the show Quinn goes back to looking normal (she dyed her hair, dressed inappropriately, was hanging with the wrong crowd, and rebelling as some teens do.) She tells the birth dad "If being blonde, dressing like this, and acting like everything is okay is what I need to do to get my daughter back I'm going to do it. WE are going to get full custody of Beth". 

This line completely made me so mad. She relinquished her rights in season 1 and this is a year and half later. Obviously, her rights would have been terminated by now and she legally wouldn't be able to get her daughter back. I feel like it this is showing us birth mothers in a very bad light and showing the non-educated people of the world, and even hopeful adoptive parents the fears, and adoption in a bad light.

And on another show that I don't watch but have seen the previews for called Parenthood one of the girls that wants to adopt a child says to a teen that is pregnant "Can I have your child?" These lines that they use just makes adoption all around look bad. Now, I can't say I haven't seen a couple of hopeful adoptive parents be forward like that, because I have. But NOT all hopeful adoptive parents are that forward, and they are definitely usually not that rude about it.

I have posted and emailed both networks on the problems with their story lines and how as writers, they obviously had to go to school and are educated people. Yet, before they write a script or lend a hand in the development of a story line they don't educate themselves on adoption law and how adoption TRULY works. I say this because in Glee, legally no matter what Quinn does to her appearance, or the way she acts she will NEVER get her child back. She relinquished her child, and after an adoption is finalized and all her rights are gone I don't believe there is any judge in the world that would overturn the ruling. Also, in most cases, a case worker or social worker for the hospital is present and the birthmother is asked before signing if she is under any duress, been bribed, pressured to sign, etc.

I think it's one of those things that just gets to me because I feel like adoptions have come so far since they first started and now these TV shows are setting us back.  They are showing birthmoms in a bad light and scaring adoptive parents more than they should be.

We as birth mothers aren't perfect, but showing to the world, and even potential birthmothers that they can just go and take their kid back whenever they want isn't right. We need to educate these wome, and also adoptive parents about the way that they act during certain situations. I feel like my main issue here is exploiting adoption as if it's this bad thing, and as if we are bad people. And we are far from bad people.

I understand that these are just television shows, and we should always take them with a grain of salt, but there are people out there that watch these shows religiously and get their information and their education from these shows because they look up to these people as if they, and their situations are real, when they are not. CLEARLY.

I leave you with this, "Who have you educated today?". If you can take one, just ONE person's perspective and give them a small piece of what your adoption story was like, then maybe, just MAYBE we could change the way the world sees adoption. Even if it is just one person at a time.

"Be the HOPE you wish to see in the world, be the CHANGE that changes the world".

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Ignorance....It's What Makes the World Turn

This past week has been difficult to be a part of social networking because it seems that everywhere I turn there is someone with an ignorant thought coming out of their mouth. Through a birthmom support group that I am a part of it was brought to several of our attention that there is this group on Facebook that is called "I love to make fun of Teen Mom". Their goal in life is to make fun of the lives of others, and their defense to this is "well they put it all over television, so it's their own fault". Which, I somewhat agree with, when it comes to the part that MTV is no longer about education, but more about the drama of these girls' lives. It just isn't the same as it was when it started, but no show that documents people's lives stays as an education piece, it is always turned into promotion, and what will profit the network.

On this "fan page" there was a comment made that birth mom's "GAVE UP" their children. And that if we were to make "changes" in our everyday lives then we could have raised our children. (I will address this later on in my post). As well as that "when we choose to have sex, we run the risk of getting pregnant then as women we should PARENT our children". There are several statements made on that page that just really got to me. Other birthmothers tried to educate them and they just weren't having it. That's where it becomes ignorance - if you just don't know the language and need to learn it, that's one thing but if you refuse to listen , then it becomes ignorance.

So, to all those that think that we as birth moms GAVE UP I have a little bit of insight for you. I never GAVE UP Easy. I PLACED him and made a CHOICE for him. I MADE A LIFE for Easy that I could not give him myself. The only GIVING I did, was GIVE HIM the most amazing parents in the world, that I know can give him everything that I know in my heart I couldn't due to my other two small children. I placed my child with people that couldn't have children. So, this addresses the point that "we as women know the risks of having sex and getting pregnant", what about those women and men who can't have children due to infertility? They don't get to understand those risks or they do understand those risks and there is nothing they can do about it.

But reading these comments made by people on this site just makes me sick to my stomach. I'm tired of hearing the words "you GAVE UP your child for adoption". It is like hearing nails on a chalk board. And also hearing, from even people that I know in my family, that "you just could have made some changes, do this or do that".

There were NO changes that I could make to my already stretched lifestyle. I already had two small children, I just started going back to school, my now husband and I just got our relationship back on track, and we just moved in to a two bedroom apartment. What were we supposed to do, just make room in our already financially unstable, emotionally stretched, and unstable support system as a family life? There were so many things I know that I look back on and think to myself "well IF only I could have done this or this", but even when I think about that it comes to my realization that even with those changes, or those if's and buts wouldn't have even made a dent in my life to where I could have taken care of him AND my two other children and given all three of them the life they deserved.

Here is my key saying that I remind myself when I come across people like I did on this fan page: They will NEVER get it, unless they are IN IT. Which rings so true, because the stupidity and ignorance of people these days on what adoption is like and what it's meaning truly is gets overshadowed. Adoption is about LOVE, the most pure, and blessed love that there is. A birthmom is a woman that is SELFLESS in her choice to GIVE her child the best life possible, to be able to hand over her child to two people to take care of for the rest of it's life. We never GAVE UP. We were never SELFISH in our decision.

Please understand that you are amazing, beautiful, and SELFLESS. Birthmothers are selfless and the world turns on ignorance. I'm sorry that this was filled with big RANT written all over it but I just had to get my feelings out there.

How do you deal when someone says the words "gave up"?

Across State Lines

This is my first blog in a really long time and I apologize for that but I haven't had steady internet. Lately, I have been thinking about how things have been and to me some of my thoughts that have been running through my head seem so selfish. I don't know why these things have been bugging me but I just have to get them out.

As those of you who have been following my story know, E is in Arizona and we currently live in Indiana. I've just been thinking a lot about how hard it's been. I like to say that I'm not missing anything in my life and that I'm fine with him being so far away, but lately it's been eating away at me. I am a part of a new birthmother support group on Facebook and it seems like a lot of the girls are literally a couple hours drive from their birth children, yet I'm a 6 hour plane ride or a 2 days drive away from my birth son. And it seems to be eating away at me daily.

I feel so envious of these women that literally don't have too far to go to see their children. But for me to see E it takes at least 4 months of planning and at least a year of saving just to be able to go. I know that I was able to see him in June, but I got so much flack for that, and it caused a huge strain financially, but I knew that I needed to see him, I needed to visibly know that he was okay and that he was happy (which I had no thoughts that he would be anything but). I hate not being able to call and set up a time to see him at least every couple of months and deep down it eats away at my heart. And I know that this isn't my fault, because I feel like we were divinely directed towards E's a-parents and that it was PERFECT and right. I just am having trouble seeing him grow up through social media and blog posts when I really wish that I could see him grow up through my lens as well.

I've also been dealing with the thoughts and feelings of K and T eventually maybe going "live" again for adoption and eventually another birth mother finding them and them eventually adopting again. It kind of hurts knowing that if it is what God wants then it will happen. I worry that if they find another birth mom and adopt again that I will be misplaced and foreshadowed by this other woman. Not that I don't think that they shouldn't add to their family because of me having these selfish thoughts, but I just keep having this continuing dream that they adopt and I'm eventually cut off. I don't know how to deal with these thoughts and feelings. I know that one day it will eventually happen. K and T have been very open and honest about how they are enjoying E and that their hearts are full and that they are very content in where they are right now but I just can't seem to shake that it's going to happen one day and that in a metaphorical kind of way there will be "another" woman. And I'll be pushed aside.

I know that these are irrational feelings and I shouldn't be thinking like this, but I mean come on, I'm human. As much as I love K&T I feel like my  heart will be ripped out of my chest the minute that I get the phone call, email, or text message stating that they have found another birth mom. As much as I love that another birth mom could have such amazing parents to take care of her child, I just can't wrap my head around the thought that she will be better than I, or that she will have more to offer, or that she will want a closed adoption instead of being like me with my clingy open adoption.

Yes, these might be irrational thoughts and fears but for me they are my real thoughts and because of them being across the country it makes things a lot harder.

1st Birthday Blues

So, I've been trying to figure out what I want to say and how I want to deal with all these emotions that are going through my head and I think I'm finally ready to put everything I'm feeling into words. This may become scatter brained and all over the place so bare with me as I try and get all of my emotions and words put together.


So, I guess I will start with a little back story so that everything will make sense to those of you reading that may be new to the blog or new to my posts in general,  On June 3, 2010 I gave birth to the most amazing little boy ever. His  name is Ezra and he has bright blue eyes and red hair, just like me. And tomorrow is his 1st birthday. I have made plans in the past month to take a trip to Arizona for not only my first time seeing him since he went to Arizona with his a-parents, but also for his very 1st birthday party. I leave for Arizona on June 8, the day after the 1 year anniversary of signing the relinquishment papers.


E is turning 1. A milestone that I should be so excited about. I should be so happy and elated that he is going to be 1. But there are so many other emotions that are going through my head that I don't even know where to start. I'm happy, don't get me wrong, and I am extremely happy that I get to go see him in 5 days, but the sad thing is, is that I am missing the things he is going to do on his 1st birthday. I have missed all of his milestones. I am sad that I don't get to spend his REAL 1st birthday with him and that I don't get to hold him and tell him how amazing he is and how happy I am that he is growing into such a beautiful child. But I knew that would happen when I chose this path for him and myself.


I am also kind of freaking out, not only in a good way but a sad, nervous, anxious kind of way as well. Our open adoption is very open and when I go to Arizona I actually get to stay with E and his adoptive parents. And I get to celebrate in his big day as well as help make his 1st birthday cake, which I am so grateful for. But I have this really anxious feeling that they are going to HATE me staying there, cause let me just say this I have many "obsessions" and "flaws" when it comes to living with me, just ask my husband. I'm not exactly the "neatest" person and I'm also not exactly one that is very good about cleaning up after herself. I will be the first person to admit that I'm a slob, but what I'm worried about is having to walk on eggshells while I am there because again, it's not my house and they have done so many great things leading up to me coming that I don't want to mess anything up. E's a-mom even sprained both of her ankles putting in a new bed for me. If that's not love and devotion then I don't know what is.


I guess what I'm really nervous about is the little things like when he wakes up in the morning, what do I do? Just wait....When he's hungry and wants to eat do I offer to help feed him? Or do I just sit back and watch his mom do it? When it's his bath time would it be bad to ask if I can give him a bath? Or would that be too much.


I guess I am in the "What should I do" phase or "what is the right way to go about things" feelings. I don't want to say or do something that would ultimately make them feel uncomfortable but I also don't want to feel like I'm just doing nothing. If that makes any sense.


I also have this huge urge when I'm there to just play, laugh, and have fun with him, but I don't want to take away from what his mom does everyday or her routine with him. I guess I just want to soak it all in and enjoy every single moment, laugh, smile, kiss, hug and play time that we have.


I am also dealing with this overwhelming feeling that he is going to absolute NOT like me. And yes, he is only a year old, but you know how some children are when there is a new person around they aren't usually apt to going to them right away. Even though E's mom has stated that he goes to anyone and everyone and that he is so full of love that he just spreads it around, but I just have this feeling that I'm going to be the ONE person he won't go to, or the ONE person he won't give a hug, or kiss, or even want to play with.


Hopefully all of my fears will be subsided as soon as I step off of the plane and see them at baggage claim, but a girl can't help but wonder how it's all going to go, especially when there are so many things going on, 1st birthday, 1 year after relinquishment feelings, and celebrating our first meeting since he left me over a year ago.


Oh, and I didn't even mention that I will be meeting most of their friends and family...talk about OVERLOAD. I'm not one to not be a people person, but I am kind of nervous, and freaking out all of the sudden. I guess it's because I have this "bubble" as I like to call it and I don't do well with it being "invaded". Now, I'm also a person that LOVES hugs, affection, and all of that, so try having those things put together, and you have me the big ball of affection loving STAY OUT OF MY BUBBLE mess. And don't get me wrong, I am excited to finally get to meet all of these people that are surrounding my Ezra, but I am also nervous that they aren't going to like me, or I'm not going to be all that they thought I was. I feel like I have so much to live up to and I'm kind of scared that I'm not going to be THAT person for them.


I am hoping to do some VLOGGING (Video Blogging) while I am there to document my visit and E's 1st birthday, my first time on an airplane in well over 10 years, and the first meeting in the airport so that I can share with everyone and also to have something that I can look back on and the biggest thing of all, I will have a severe case of carpel tunnel by the time I'm done blogging everything so I figured I'd try something new. But don't worry I will definitely be letting all of you amazing supporters know how it all goes.


Sorry for all of the rambling just had to get it all out there!

Processing

I have been needing to write a blog for quite some time but my words just haven't been able to roll off my tongue or even onto this very site. I have had massive writers block and I think it's because there are so many things going on and coming up that I'm just not ready for, so I've been holding on to them internally and just becoming emotionally shut off from the world. I've been very anti-social and not very up to talking to anyone, and when I do I feel myself getting snappy at people for no reason. My patience has been wearing thin, and I know that it's because I haven't processed my emotions the way that I need to.

I guess the best way to start processing is to just let all the feelings out, nothing held back.

I think, my biggest thing going on right now is my first REAL Birth Mother's Day, coinciding with Mother's Day. Last year at this time I was 1 month away from giving birth to the most amazing little man, and I received the most beautiful flowers from E's parents. And, I didn't really officially FEEL like a birthmom because I hadn't officially had him yet, the decisions were still all mine and the choices were mine and mine alone. But now, as the day approaches I'm just really nervous about it all. Because it's official that I am a birthmom, and I won't be able to spend that day with him, or when he's older get gifts from him that say "Mom" instead they will say "My Alicia" and it's just something that is hard for me to cope with I guess. I know that deep inside he has the GREATEST Mom in the world and she deserves to have the official day, and she has waited a long time to have a Mother's Day, and I never would want to take that joy away from her, it's just going to be something different for me I guess.

And I also guess that I am freaking out because I had this great gift idea for her for Mother's Day and with the economy I can't get what I wanted to get for her and it just makes me really sad. They are both so good to me, and they always send such wonderful gifts and they go way beyond what they ever need to or even well, have to. They don't HAVE to send me a ton of pictures, they don't HAVE to send the most amazing pick me up text messages or e-mails and they definitely don't HAVE to allow me to even know anything about E, but they do, they go far out of their way to make it known that I am his first mom and that I am always going to be his first mom and that that'll never change. And E's mom is sending me a birthmom gift, and personally I'm scared to even open it because I know how great it's going to be, and I know how meaningful it's going to be. I know that no gift that I ever get them will be greater than the one I gave them when I gave them E, but I just really wish there was always something more that I could do. I guess that that perfection isn't enough for me, I just want to do more, I've always been that type of person.

I have also been running through my head that this time next week E will  be 11 months old. That's one month from his 1st birthday and 1 year after I signed the relinquishment papers and it all seems to just be piling up on me. I don't really know how I'm going to handle those things when the time comes but I for sure know that if things keep going the way that they are now that I'm going to be a massive wreck. I just have to try figuring these things out on my own without keeping all of these things locked inside. I guess it's so much easier for me to just let everything go internal without saying anything to anyone. Even though I know I have all of you amazing people that will be there for me, I always instinctively feel alone.

I guess another thing I'm upset about it that I don't get to go to the retreat this weekend, and it's not for not wanting to go, but it's this stupid economy that is keeping me. I tried to budget every which way and it was either go to the retreat or find a time to go see E and I of course had to choose going to see E. I know that there will always be more retreats for me to go to, but if I don't find a time to go see E then I don't know when I'll get the chance to see him again. I don't even know if I'll get to see E soon or not but I'm hoping to see him before he gets too big to cuddle with or love on, or to show that I'm still there for him, and that I still love him, and that I'm still "His Alicia" and that he can get to know me and not forget me.

Blah, just so many thoughts going through my head it's hard to keep them all straight. But this has helped me settle things in my head so that they won't be always on my mind and keep me wide awake at night.

-Alicia-

Two Forbidden A Words

As my title says at the top this post is going to be about the two "forbidden" A-Words that sometimes happen to come up in conversation making that conversation become completely awkward, controversial, and sometimes can even make friendships non-existent.


I had a friend the other day post a status about a "Question of the Day" and he asked if a woman is raped is it ok for her to get an abortion. It got really heated. The status was eventually deleted because in my opinion the debate got a little out of hand.


I can't exactly remember what I said, but I know that I stated something about adoption and then it got even more heated because obviously no one could see my opinion or side of things. My whole thing is that the emotional turmoil of rape is pretty great and that if a woman adds adoption to the mix it can be an emotional down spiral and be really bad, but that if they have a great support system then abortion doesn't have to be the only option.


But that whole thing got me to thinking...why is it that when people talk about adoption its just as forbidden as when talking about abortion? They are completely different sides of the spectrum, yet they are debated and put in the same context with each other. You're either loved or hated for both and it's just really unfortunate. I have always been a person for woman's rights and I believe that every woman is in control of her own body, and what she wants to do with it. I believe every woman has a choice, now this is not a choice that I would make for myself, but I still think that it's your body, your area your stuff and what you do with it is your decision. Just like if a woman decides to have an adoption plan then that is her choice, that is her decision, and she has her reasoning behind it.


I've just been sitting around thinking that we get judged so much daily, still to this day about being woman and our choices and decisions are always looked at under a microscope. It doesn't matter what we say or do it just seems to never be the right decision.


I guess I'm rambling trying to figure out why people want to put us all in the same boat? I am just really frustrated these days because it seems that no matter what we do, be it for ourselves or for our unborn children that we are forced to have to make a choice dependent on other peoples views and ideas. We all have our reasons for abortion and we all have our reasons for adoption, I just wish that some people would stop judging. I may not believe in abortion, but I do believe that a woman's choice is a woman's choice. They also tend to be in hiding, or feel shameful for what they do, when in all actuality there should be people that step up and support these people. Just like I hope that people will one day step up and support adoption more so that these women who even have the thought about abortion, understand that there are more options out there.


Sorry for all the ranting, just been a weird day and I just needed to speak and say some things that I felt needed to be said.


-Alicia-

Abandonment Fear

I've been trying to gather my thoughts together for the past week or so since I was at church and we were doing this series called "Scars" and it had a section on Abandonment last week and I completely was a wreck the entire time that our pastor (we'll call him J) was giving the sermon. Hearing him talk about his own abandonment that he had as a child just brought back all these fears and demons that I had with my own abandonment as a child, and the fear I have the E will think that I abandoned him. 

I was sitting through the service with all of these thoughts and things going through my head about what he's going to think when he is older. I was thinking to myself, "is he going to think that I left him? that I just gave him up? that I never tried to contact him?" All of these thoughts were going through my head and I had to take a minute to myself. 

Even though I know that E has some of the greatest parents who will tell him anything he wants/needs to know about me, I always have those little fears that keep popping into my head. Because, I know that financially we can't really afford to go see him so I've been thinking he's going to be all grown up before I will be able to see him and he's going to think that I didn't care enough to come see him, or be there for special events in his life. 

I have just been trying my best to make sure that he knows that I love him and that I love him every single day and I'm always thinking about him. He is 9 months old now and I do get pictures, texts, and doctor updates but I seriously just want to hold him and tell him that he is growing into the most amazing little man on the planet and has such a cute personality. 

I don't know, I guess that I have been thinking about all these bad things that could happen instead of all the great things that are happening. He's growing up into a handsome baby and I love him everyday. 

"The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him."-Pablo Casals 

~ Alicia

Always in my Heart, Always on my Mind

It's been awhile since I have posted but I have always wanted to write about something when I found something that was worth writing about. I have been in a "nothing is good enough for this blog" mind set. I wanted to write about something that others could relate to with me and it's just been one of those weeks I guess.

I have had a lot on my mind, just so much has been going on that I haven't really had time to sit down and think about E. I know that sounds really bad, because he should always be on my mind, but I feel like there is a place in my head that is trying to shut that off. Because I have spent almost 9 months trying to just stop thinking about him every second of everyday. I'm trying to cope and just trying to move past the point in my life of sadness and mourning. I have actually been doing a really good job of just staying focused on what I have going on at home. 

Ever since E was born and we actually decided on going with adoption, I have wanted to get his intials, his name, his birthday, SOMETHING about him tattooed on me. I wanted to have him be a part of me forever and I have been searching all over to find the perfect representation of him and his adoptive parents and myself. I wanted something that meant something, and I didn't want to get inked and then realize there was nothing I could do to change it if it was something that I didn't like or that didn't turn out the way that I had planned. And I really thought that fate had come along and tapped me on the shoulder when my sister-in-law informed me that she was having a tattoo party for her 24th birthday. So, I thought to myself, what the perfect opportunity to get what I want and start thinking more seriously about it. 

So, I did my search and came across the adoption symbol. And I went and did more searching and found the meaning behind the adoption symbol, and I just sat there in awe, and thought about it and it was the most perfect thing I could ever think of doing. Many of you are probably really familiar with the adoption symbol and know that the triangle part is made up of the birth parents (or just birth mom), adoptive parents, and the birth child, and the heart connects the triangle to show the love that each one has for the other. I found the perfect adoption symbol idea and I went in for the consult and I am waiting on Friday for it to get done. 

Here is what it will look like: 

Arching over the top of the tattoo it will say "Hope is", then an under-arch under the tattoo it will say "Easy", meaning that Hope is Ezra (Easy is Ezra's nickname), because he brought so much hope into our lives, all of our lives. and then on the left hand side of the triangle there will be a 6, in the middle of the heart and triangle where that space is there will be a 3, and then on the right hand side there will be a 10. 6.3.10. E's birth date. 

I wanted to make this tattoo be something that would always be there, that it would always at least once a day remind me to think of him and make sure that I never ever forget him (as if that would EVER be possible). I am getting it on my left inner wrist, because the vein that it is going on top of is the closest to my heart. 

I will be able to blog next week on how that experience goes, just thought I'd touch base here and let everyone know how I was doing. 


~ Alicia

Chocolate, the Root to all Happiness...

First, I want to start this post by saying I'm sorry for being so MIA lately with blogging, I just haven't really been in the mood to blog, write, or even look at anything that has been adoption related. Not because I don't want to, but it's just been one of those weeks. But I finally got off my "woe is me" soap box and am back now with lots of things to share.


I will start with last week, it was the week that I turned 24. The past 4 years I have always looked forward to my birthday because they are times in which you are celebrating your life and celebrating things that you look forward to in that year of your life. Well, this year I guess that I just wasn't as excited as I should have been. I think the biggest reason why, is because it brought back memories to where I was last year on my 23rd birthday. I was pregnant with the most amazing little boy on the planet and I was able to just enjoy that time, those kicks and finding out in the month of January that E was in fact a boy :). I also remember, 2 days before my birthday I was admitted into the hospital with a massive kidney infection (that was not my favorite part) but it's how I found out what his sex was. But, with this birthday looming over my head I just had a wave of emotions, and so many questions that I had to ask myself. I was wondering "what if people don't show up, what if people ditch me, what if we don't have the money to go out and celebrate the way that everyone should be able to celebrate?" and of course those are all pathetic questions but I'll admit those were things going through my head.


Well, the day arrived and I had many surprises, my husband brought me flowers when he had a break from work as well as he bought me 2 bottles of wine (he just knows me so well), and then I get this AWESOME knock on my door *insert sarcasm here*. It was UPS....I will say this they need to calm down with the knocking...I believe 2 times is enough. But it was a package from E's parents. I opened it and it was a potted rose bush plant (yellow roses, his parents' favorite).When I opened it I just started crying. I was never expecting anything from them. I mean, of course I was thinking I'd get some kind of card or a well wish via text message but never thought that they'd ever send me anything in the mail. Well, I opened it and was then sad because the leaves were black (meaning that the plant was dead and not because of the delivery, but because of how flipping cold it had been). I was just so sad, but I sent a Thank You message to them and told them how much I appreciated them, only to find out there was a second part to my gift which I was supposed to receive the next day. Needless to say, the weather in the Midwest, as well as on the East Coast made me receive it on Monday.


When Monday came I got another box from UPS....I was SO excited. I just love receiving boxes in the mail as well as getting to open up awesome surprises. Well, this one not so much. Thank you to the packaging for this company, as well as the H. E double hockey sticks that this box went through being sent to me from a bakery in NYC I had 4 smashed cupcakes and a ravaged box. The box that held my birthday cupcakes, which by the way were my FAVORITE flavors looked like it had been shredded by ravaged dogs and I had sprinkles and chocolate/red velvet cupcakes all over the place. I was so upset. I don't even know why I was upset, but I called the number on the order form and I was very polite and asked the lady if there was anything I could do. At first I didn't say anything about who they were from and how much this particular gift meant to me because normally people always feel sorry for you or think you're lying. Well, at first she was only going to give back E's parents half of their shipping cost, and I would be left with nothing. And I pretty much had to lay all of my cards on the table, to a complete stranger. I had to tell her, so I did. I just let her know this "these cupcakes, are more than just cupcakes to me. These are a gift from 3 of the most important people in my life and receiving them in this condition is just heartbreaking. The money isn't a huge deal to me, it's the fact that with this weather and the care that was taken with these I'm just not happy." and then I just started to cry.


I don't know why those two presents meant so much to me but they did. Normally, you have your adoption where you get things like pictures, emails, or phone calls and those light up your day. Well, they do light up my day, but knowing that E's parents care so much, and love me enough to even think about me on my birthday just really pulled at my heart strings.


The reason that this blog post is titled "Chocolate, the Root to all Happiness" is really just that. We eat chocolate to make us happy, when we get chocolate from friends we are happy, well, I received chocolate cupcakes and I was happy.


Photo Credit

Moving Forward....

I have noticed lately that my life is actually starting to move forward and it seems that the pain is less and less everyday. I have been fighting this moving forward phase because I don't want to forget all the things that adoption has meant for me. I know that I will never forget what adoption has done for me and my family, but whenever I start to move forward and move on with my life I feel like I'm pushing down all the feelings instead of dealing with them. But how do you deal with feelings as well as live your everyday life? I have been struggling with this a lot lately and addressing all of the issues has been the hardest thing for me. I want to be able to live my life without adoption looming over my head, but I also want people to know my story as well. It's a fight that I fight with every single day.

My moving forward battle consists of these things; I want to be able to live my life with my current children and my husband and move along in my faith without having to have this dreadful pain looming over me. Trying to deal with the pain while being a mother and a wife is a pretty hard task. I can't complain though, I think that being able to juggle all of those things takes a pretty strong person, and I'm happy to call myself strong. I don't want anyone to think that I'm trying push down my feelings or try to hide that I'm a birth mom. That is not my intention. I'm just trying to figure out what it is that I need to do in my own life. I feel like sometimes I am abandoning my own children while I fight this long fight. And I shouldn't be leaving them behind while I wallow in my pain.

Thankfully, I started this YouVersion where I have a devotional each day and today's was from Psalm 6:6 and I believe that many of you may understand it's meaning and be able to relate to it. "I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with tears." It has made me think that I really have spent a lot of time crying over things that I cannot change. And not putting mercy into the hands of God. Which is another fight that I have.

I want to be able to focus more attention on my children and my marriage as well as my walk with faith, but this is so hard to do when my pain is so deep. I'm still in the process of figuring out the path that I need to take...we shall see where this takes us.

Be Faithful

So, I have a huge weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders. I have been battling with so much anger, sadness, and this huge hole in my heart and I have been completely oblivious to the way that I have been towards others and all the stress that I was putting upon myself.

Last week I got into contact with a dear friend of mine who's relationship was very strained and it was causing massive amounts of problems  not only in my personal life but with my relationship with others and my husband. It was affecting my healing process more than I can really explain.

But, because I was divinely directed in a path that was healthy, and more faith based I was able to deal with my personal relationships as well dealing with my heartache, and depression with my adoption choice. I went to church on Sunday and I felt like I was MEANT to be there that God was speaking to me. The reason that I say this is because the pastor spoke from the book of Ezra. That is my birth son's name and I knew that I was meant to be there. It couldn't have been more perfect unless he yelled from the top of his lungs "LISTEN ALICIA". He talked about mourning and how we mourn for loss, mourn about job situations, as well as mourning for the loss of happiness, etc. It really brought me forth in my decision and made me understand that what I did was okay and that the only person that can truly judge me is God himself. Others opinions of myself and my decision truly do not matter because they again, don't get it unless they are in it.

I want to tell everyone that I am in a better place now and I hope to talk about the happiness of adoption and the way that you can feel better about it if you are hurting.

During my search to find God and make him a part of my everyday life as well as my marriage I found my life verse. I want to share my life verse with all of you.

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me, He delivered me from all my fears." -Psalms 34:4

Holiday Memories

I remember growing up and always being so excited about Christmas and the New Year and being able to make cookies for Santa and also having that special NYE kiss at midnight with that one special person. Now, that I have all of those things now that I am older I now am starting to look at Christmas and New Years Eve a lot differently. When my children had their first Christmases they were the most special to me and I was so happy to see their faces when they saw what Santa had gotten them for the big day. And also going to the church service the night before and having them be a part of that. This year, because of the adoption, I didn't think that I would enjoy the holidays as much. Thanksgiving was probably the hardest for me, as you may have seen I haven't posted in a few weeks. I actually thought that I would be angry, sad or mad, but actually because I have such a great family it was filled with love, laughter, and "OMG IT'S A BOX" (an inside joke that we came up with while opening gifts at my in-laws). Those things happen every year, there is always something that we come up with.

My favorite thing, was getting to open the gifts from our adoptive couple. We weren't even expecting gifts from them, we never do. Trent got an awesome game for the Wii, as well as the kids were given an amazing gift card so that would help us with Christmas this year, because we didn't really think we would be able to afford gifts this year. Also, getting the gift from my Secret Sister really made my day as well. Probably out of all the gifts from everyone was my locket and bracelet that was given to me by E's mom and dad. They had pearls on them, pearls are the birthstone for June, the month that E was born in. I think that I cried more with that than with anything else. I have tried wearing the locket a couple of times but it's really loud, not in a bad way, but it makes me laugh because I'm a loud person so it kind of went with everything. Also, on Christmas I received a picture of E in this "little elf" onesie and I all I could do was smile. Knowing that he is getting all of these traditions with other people does sometimes make me sad, and I wish I could have seen him open his first gift, or eat his first cookie. But seeing him be with some of the most amazing people that I know was great enough, and I was lucky enough to not shed any tears on Christmas. As much as I thought that I would be so upset and sad I really had the most amazing time with my mom&dad, my husband, my beautiful children, as well as my in-laws. It was so nice, because my sister-in-law is pregnant and it reminded me of when I was pregnant last year with E and it made it even more amazing, to know that her beautiful daughter will be here next year for me to spoil and everyone to hold and love on. I always believe this that with every adoption comes a miracle of life born into a family...and lucky enough my hunch was right and when we had E she told us the day after that she was pregnant and it just made me so ecstatic to know that I was going to be an aunt, and for that little girl to grow up knowing about E and being able to one day be able to spend time with each other.

I wanted to let everyone know that Christmas is about love, blessings, and sharing time with your family near and far. Not all of us are lucky enough to be able to see our birth children, or know about their day. But I was lucky enough to know about it and be able to see him (I didn't get to in person although that is the the goal one day to be there for one of his Christmases) but being able to see a picture melts and warms my heart to the core.

I hope that everyone had a great Christmas, and has an amazing New Year. Remember 2011 is a new year, a new time, and a time to cherish what we do have, and not to be angry or harsh about what we don't have.

And I must make a public apology to my secret sister, for being so late on your gift, I really hope that it got to you on time.

Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year to ALL of you. You are all in my thoughts everyday.

-Alicia-

Path of Adoption

I don't know you and you don't know me, but we are one in the same. We gave our hearts away to fill someone else's life with joy and happiness. We gave our children the best life that we thought we could, by allowing ourselves to love our child enough to let them go. We walk along the same road, maybe down different paths but always in the same direction.

When I refer to paths- I mean the option of adoption paths. Some of us chose a closed adoption to make the pain or hurt less, even though it is always there and it will remain a part of us forever. Some of us were forced with closed adoptions because it was the only option at that time. Some of us chose the semi-open adoption path because there was a part of us that still wanted the option of seeing pictures and knowing how our child was. Then there are some of us that chose the open adoption path, like myself, who wanted full access to all of the information, wanted to feel in control, even when most of the time I feel like I'm out of control. And some of us didn't get a choice at all. 

No matter which path we have decided or are deciding to take it is one that we all go into with a heavy heart and did so because we thought it was best for our child. No one said that it would be easy. Many of us will wake up in the morning thinking of whether or not the decision we are making or have made is the right one. 

Some people may tell us that we are selfish because we just want to live our lives without the "burden or responsibility" of a child, or that we are abandoning our children. I want to address those comments. 

Our decision was the hardest one that anyone can ever make, one of the least selfish things anyone can do. How is it selfish to love your child enough to give them to a family that can give them more than you could ever dream of? Give them the option of being anything they want to be? How is it selfish to give people the most blessed gift from God that they literally are so happy that they cut up newspaper and magazines to show that confetti is flying in the air to show a celebration of their happiness? Or being so grateful to you that their cup runneth over with love and joy? It's not...plain and simple. 

If someone ever tells you that you are selfish they haven't walked a mile in your shoes, or carried a child for 9 months knowing all those kicks, heartbeats, ultrasounds, and even your first moments of holding that child would be the only firsts that you'd get to have in person. They will never know the pain, heartache, and happiness that you feel, and I really feel sorry for them. 

As for those that want to make snide jerk comments about you abandoning your child to live your life with no worries, no responsibilities or any other selfish comments they want to make, are obviously too self-absorbed to even care enough about what you are going through to see that you are not selfish and you are NOT abandoning your child. 

Maybe this post was more of a rant-- maybe it will put some people in their place, maybe it will put comfort in some birthmom's hearts and let them realize that they are not alone and what they are doing is just making others wish they had the strength and the selfless heart to go through it all. 

I've just been feeling so down lately because of some of the comments made by others who are bitter, and also been told straight to my face that I am not E's mom because I'm not raising him. I'm so frustrated with the arrogance and ignorance of others to think they even had or have the right to say such things to me. I am E's birthMOM, see MOM. Even if I didn't already have 2 kids before I gave birth to E I would still celebrate Mothers Day and I'd still be proud to call myself a mother because there are plenty of women out there that believe their children are a burden to their independence and that pregnancy is the most horrible thing that they ever had to go through, AND there are even "mothers" out there that leave their children with random people, ship them off every weekend, and even leave them with their parents so that they can have their "alone" time with their significant other, party with friends, or  do drugs. THOSE mothers are the ones that are abandoning their children NOT you. But yet they are still considered "mothers" even after doing all of that. We are giving the gift of life and love to families that can't do it themselves. We make very important decisions for them before they are even born. 

We are moms one and all, you never know the journey of someone's life and path of adoption if you never plan to walk a mile in their shoes, but you are willing to spit on the road that they are traveling. 

"All that still matters is the love and the laughter, after the life we've been through"
-Daughtry 

-Alicia-

The Thanksgiving Holiday & Heartache

So, I've been wondering for the past couple weeks how I would handle holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas and even little milestones. Since this week is Thanksgiving I have been thinking about how I enjoyed Thanksgiving time with my children that I already have and what I am going to miss about not having a new baby to share with the rest of my family.

With my daughter her first Thanksgiving was a riot because she was only 3 weeks old, and with Ethyn he was older and it was so much fun to see him interact with family.

When I think that we won't get to spend Thanksgiving with E or get to see his first moments maybe eating some mashed potatoes or green bean casserole, it kind of breaks my heart. I don't think it has really hit me quite yet on how I am going to feel on the day of. He is so blessed to have such a big family support and so many people that want to share their Thanksgiving with him, and somewhere deep down inside of me I wish that I could be spending it with him as well. I am wondering why my heart hurts so much during these times and why things are the way that they are. At this moment as I write this I'm not very hurt, I'm actually very calm, but I know that it's going to hit me on Thanksgiving when we are talking to family and friends about what we are thankful for how much I am thankful for him. I am thankful for E in so many ways, he has made me grow so much over the past 5 1/2 months that I can't really explain it, it's weird. Even though he is not around I still feel him in my heart.

I don't want to cry this week, I don't want to be sad, because Thanksgiving is about family, thankfulness, happiness and joy and it should be celebrated not mourned. I am in a content place this week, I think that Christmas will be the biggest hit for me, but I'll write about that another time. But I'm just wondering is how do I get through the holidays with the family that I do have here with me, instead of always missing the one person that I don't?

So much pondering and self reflection this week.

Angry...

I am angry...I am angry because I want to know when my bliss starts and when does it plan on happening for me? I want to know when my happiness starts. I am tired of crying over stuff that I shouldn't be crying over. I feel like this whole thing is taking over my life. It consumes every part of me. I can't sleep because all I feel is anger and animosity, and even jealousy. I see all my friends enjoying their new babies and all I want to do is scream. I don't have that new baby to hold, kiss, feed, change, and wake up with in the middle of the night.

I am angry at myself for not being okay with my decision. I was okay in the beginning, even hell bent on making sure that I was okay. And now, all I am is pissed off and mad. (sorry about the language). Don't get me wrong, I have two of the most amazing children that I could ever ask for-they are a blessing. And I have such an amazing support system in my husband that I truly need to stop complaining, but there is this huge hole in my heart. I feel like when I gave E up for adoption I gave away a part of myself. I feel like I have no passions, ambitions or dreams anymore. I always tell myself that I can do anything I set my mind to do, but I can't get myself out of this hole.

My grief system is off. Someone stated about the stages of grief in an earlier blog and I feel like all my stuff is backwards or non-existent. I can't deny that I gave my child up for adoption. I have accepted that part. But my anger and depression are starting to rear their ugly heads.

Through my agency I get a lifetime of counseling for this, but that's the thing...I DON'T want to talk to a complete stranger. I don't want my situation analyzed, I don't want to be told that "everything will be okay"...Because it won't be, and it isn't. Until we are financially set and able to see E I don't think that I will have the closure that I need. I don't want to be told that my feelings are normal, that will set me off. I am in a fragile state where if you say something, anything to me I go off. Like I said in the beginning this whole thing consumes my life. It is taking too much out of me and I need it to stop.

I want my life back....

Those were my feelings last week, and over the weekend things seemed much better. On the 5th we celebrated the 1 year "You found me" anniversary. A year ago on November 5th we found the adoptive couple that would completely change our lives forever. It was such a bittersweet day. And this weekend, November 7th my daughter turned 4 years old and we had amazing family and friends to share it with, so it kept my mind off of those things. But when those people leave and it's just me I sink back into my hole.

"Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now"

- The Verve-Bittersweet Symphony

Selfless vs. Selfish

Some people say they "wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy", but recently I've been waking up in the morning feeling like dookie. "Dookie" is my code word for crap. I sometimes feel like "Is this the day that I lose it?"

I haven't had that mental or emotional breakdown that I was told would come from this whole process. I keep getting told "your story seems too good to be true", "this is not how adoptions go, you're not telling the whole truth". How do you explain and make people understand you're not normal? That's the thing, you shouldn't have to explain to others your feelings or explain to them how your story is. Because your story is your story and how you feel, deal, and handle everything about it is all you. Nobody else can be in your shoes or know your experience. Only you hold the truths to all of that.

I've always been a very emotional person, someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. But up until about 6 months ago I've put up a very high wall when it comes to my feelings and my story. There are always going to be people that don't understand it and don't really even want to understand it.


For example: The day that I gave birth to E I received a very hateful message from a woman telling me that "I was a horrible mother and that E is going to hate me for what I've done and that I will regret what I've done and that I should be ashamed of myself for having two children and thinking that E wasn't good enough to "keep"". You can only imagine the pain that I felt by that message, the anger, resentment, and sadness that was going through my head. I was trying to look at it from her point of view and trying to understand why she thought what I was doing was so selfish and was wishing that I could show her that it wasn't a selfish decision but a selfless one.

Our decision was one that we made, that I made with a very heavy heart. I didn't go into it thinking that it would be the easiest thing I'd ever do in my life, when in all actuality it is by far the HARDEST most DIFFICULT thing that I have ever had to do in my entire life. But I will never apologize for the decision that we made.

Our story is one in a million, not everyone gets to experience the joy in it too. But where there is joy there is always that lingering pain.

We aren't the only ones that are hurting. My mom is a mother and a grandmother, so it was hard for her to understand this choice. It was hard for her because she loved me and loved the child that was growing inside of me but no matter what my choice was she stood by me. She even came to visit me while in the hospital to say her hello's to E and let him know that she loved him. Selfless.

My husband has had family members that have been very loving and very supportive of our decision, most of which also came to the hospital to see E and to be there for us in our time of sadness. Selfless.

We also have had family members tell us that our adoption was a "publicity stunt to make people feel sorry for us and to like me more". We have taken those people out of our lives. The negativity of some people personally is disgusting but you have to realize that those people have nothing better to do then to talk badly about such a selfless and strong choice that you have made. That makes them selfish.

It's the reaction and actions you give and take that make the difference. I sometimes feel sorry for those people who can't understand or feel such an act of selflessness and love. You just want to shake them to make them understand, but doing so won't help, because you can't make those who aren't in it get it. Not everyone is strong enough to make this kind of choice. We are among the few that are strong enough to understand that we were chosen, we were picked to bring these children into the world and to bless others with the ability to have a family when they themselves could not do the same for themselves.

In closing I want to tell you do not let anyone tell you you are selfish, that you have made a bad decision. And don't ever feel that way either.

"We reflect on how things could have been but it was worth it in the end" -Daughtry

With love -

Alicia

Finalizing Forever

“May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.”

You've signed the papers, you've given someone the gift of life, you've been that person to heal the hole in their hearts and you've been trying to move on and move forward and live your life. But what about what happens when you find out that your adoption is being finalized? 


Some people don't get the opportunity to hear or even know about the finalization hearing let alone given the option to attend it. When Trent and I first went with our open adoption our agency told us that there would be a hearing that we would be able to attend if we wanted to contest our adoption. And we immediately said, we don't want to know about it, we don't want to know where it is, what time it is, we personally just don't want the option to say "We want him back". I mean we spent the whole time making sure that we didn't get attached, that all these big things that would even give us the chance to go back on our agreement would be taken care of by the agency. We were set in our decision the day that we signed the papers, and never would have thought to say we changed our minds. But sometimes people do change their minds and that is normal, it's a motherly instinct. We, were just not those people. 


Well, we found out through E's adoptive parents that their finalization hearing is on October 27 and that's when they will be legally Ezra's parents forever, not that they aren't already, but you all know how the law works, it has to be written on paper. And I also found out that on October 30th E will be sealed in their life for eternity through their church. 


So, the reason for this blog is just to kind of go through the feelings. When I first found out about E's finalization hearing I was happy and excited for his parents but then I started thinking and I got sad. I know that I will always be his birth mom, I know that I will always hold a place in their hearts forever. It's just different because I sometimes feel like I should be the one he calls mom, but all it takes is looking at his pictures to realize, no, I was meant to be his birth mom, not his mother. That Trent was meant to be his birth dad, not his father. But looking at it from the outside looking in I know how people feel about these sort of things. I have had so many people ask me "If you love him why don't you just go get him", but what they don't realize is that our love for E runs so much deeper than all of the technical paperwork. Our love is a bond that will last a lifetime and he is being loved by the greatest people I know and I wouldn't have it any other way. 


When I found out that E will be blessed in their church I think I was more sad by that, only because we can't be there. Money is so tight so we are just wondering when we'll get to see him again. That's a really special day and we've seen other birth mom's be able to be there for their child's blessings, baptisms, etc. and it just seems like I am in this place where I'm wondering...when is it my turn. Then I have to sit and think to myself, I will get my turn, that things happen to us when He wants them to, not when we decide. And I also have to think that we are going to be at his 1st birthday no matter what. 


I also received some amazing pictures this past week. The first set of pictures were over the past few months and when I went to put them in E's album I realized I had ran out of room and I will need to get another album, probably a bigger one. I also received a photo book of their professional photos that they had taken for when E was 3 months. I feel completely blessed to be able to receive pictures and get to see him grow up.


Finalizing forever is like finalizing hope, finalizing your child's life, that he/she is going to be in the greatest hands that He could put them in. 


So, I leave you with this...


It's never goodbye, always see you soon.

My blessing...My story

Hello everyone, my name is Alicia and I want to give you an introduction into my adoption story, and my journey/search in finding the parents of a lifetime.

October 2009: We (my now husband and I) found out that we were pregnant. And normally when you find out that you are pregnant it is an exciting overwhelming happy feeling that just makes you so full of joy and bliss. Unfortunately that was not the feeling for us. When we found out we were pregnant it was a huge surprise, we were scared, upset, angry (more me than my husband), and feeling very much in denial of what was going on. My husband and I had just moved into a new apartment, I just started going back to school and my husband had been laid off from his job. Times were hard, we were just getting our life, and our kids' lives back to normal. We already had (in 2009) two beautiful children who had been through a rough summer and we just wanted them to be happy and be stable in one place. And since we found out about the pregnancy it was a complete shocker and we weren't exactly "thrilled to death"...more like "scared to death."

For two weeks my husband and I talked and went back and forth back and forth over what was good for us, this little being that was inside of me, as well as what was best for our two children. At the end of October we made our final decision that we were going to give our child up for adoption.

November 2009: We found the most amazing website that was so easy to go through and search for adoptive couples. While we were searching for our adoptive couple we wanted to lay out what we wanted from our adoptive couple, what our hopes were, or our aspirations for how our child would live, and what kind of life that he/she would have. I think it’s very important while you are considering adoption to remember that while you are pregnant and making your adoption plan you are in control of what kind of adoption you want like open, semi-open, or closed and you have the option of how much information that you want to share, and how often you want to talk to your adoptive couple, or even if you want to share with them the experiences that you are going through such as doctor's appointments and ultrasounds. (Editor's Note: Open adoption isn't legally enforceable in most states.)

We wanted a couple that had no children because we wanted our child to be the first, to be that answer to a couple’s prayer. To be able to give the couple all of the firsts that they were looking for. First smile, first laugh, first diaper change, first feeding, well you get the point…just all of the firsts that most mothers and fathers get, and we wanted to find a couple who had been trying to conceive yet because of God, were not able to because He had a bigger plan for them. We also chose to have an open adoption. We wanted to be able to have pictures, phone calls, letters, e-mails, and to also know where our child was going to be placed and what the adoptive parents’ last name was going to be. We really wanted to be in the loop, yet out of the loop all at the same time.

On November 2^nd, 2009 we contacted a couple via the website we'd found because we read their letter and it made us so hopeful about adoption. The next day we received a return e-mail stating that they had already found their birth mom, but gave us the profile of two of their friends, Kris and Timmy, who have been trying to conceive for awhile but were unable to have a child of their own.

So, that same day we read their adoption profile and their birth mom letter and we KNEW. The moment we read their birth mom letter we knew it was meant for us. That we were meant to heal the hole in their heart. We immediately contacted them and let them know that we would like to talk to them more.

On November 3^rd we received an e-mail back from Kris telling us how happy she was that we contacted them and that we were able to find their profile and that it spoke to us the way that it did. Several e-mails and instant messages were exchanged in two days and by November 5^th we knew that we wanted them to be our adoptive couple. We told Kris and Timmy through e-mail that we wanted them to be the parents to take care of our son/daughter. They were thrilled to say the least. Thrilled isn’t even a word to describe it...

Our main goal throughout the process, and the reason we chose adoption so early was because we wanted our adoptive couple to be a part of EVERYTHING. And by everything I mean, ultrasounds, the first heartbeat, finding out the sex and also being a part of the delivery experience. When I had my first ultrasound at 10 weeks we were yahoo chatting with webcam and we showed them the ultrasound and Kris cried and Timmy was elated. That moment just re-affirmed to us that our decision was the right one.

December 14: THE BIG DAY…Well meeting day that is. Kris and Timmy came to Indiana from Arizona to see us. And to also be apart of the doctor’s appointment that I had on that Monday. I can’t really give all the details of the visit but it was the most informational moment in our entire adoption. We learned so much about them, what they were like, what their families were like, their religion, their marriage, etc and so forth. Needless to say the visit was amazing. And, on that Monday we all went to my doctor appointment and they got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. I’ve never seen bigger smiles in my entire life. The moment that we had to say our goodbyes was pretty hard for me. Of course, my hormones took over, but I cried, Kris cried, it was just a very emotional moment because it was real.

Over the next months we talked on a daily basis. We kept in contact and we wanted to re-assure Kris and Timmy that we were serious about them being our adoptive couple. And the way that we are different from most, is because we truly feel like God sent them to US, not the other way around.

We also found out through these months that we were having a BOY. It was amazing to be able to give Timmy his first boy (I wanted a girl because they are so easy to dress up) but all we really wanted was a healthy baby. Another way that we wanted Kris and Timmy to be a part of the entire process was we wanted them to pick out the name, we wanted them to be able to design their own nursery and not be putting one together 2 days before he was born. And, my biggest thing is I wanted K to have a baby shower. I wanted her to literally experience everything that a mom experiences without being pregnant. And I’m so happy that her sister-in-law and church members were able to give her those things.

May 2010: By the near end of my pregnancy I was ready to be done being pregnant, I was ready for this experience to start for K&T and I wanted them to be able to hold their son. So, I convinced my doctor to have me induced on June 3^rd, 2010. I wanted to have our induction because I wanted K&T to be a part of the birth…now I know what you are thinking but I will clear that up.::

We talked to Kris and Timmy about being a part of the big day, and they were so supportive. We told them that we wanted them to experience it all and that even meant them being in the delivery room while it all went on….here is a breakdown of that wonderful day::

Tuesday, June 1, 2010: Such an exciting day. Kris and Timmy were flying out this evening to see come for Ezra's arrival. Needless to say I didn't get much done. I was trying to stay busy and keep focused and get some cleaning done but that just didn't happen. It was just a very relaxing and exciting day with so much going on I can barely remember it all.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010: This was just a great day! Timmy and Kris had arrived safe and sound and I would get a little bit of "day time" with Kris as well as get to have them around for my doctor's appointment. They got to hear the baby Ezra's heartbeat as well as get to be in the room with me while the doctor set up my induction time and pretty much made it official that we were having a baby the next day, bright and early! After the doctor's appointment Kris and I went to get pedicures. We wanted to get blue toes, I originally thought that Kris should get an E (for Ezra) and she could add some polka dots, but we had a NAZI nail lady who insisted that we get flowers....so since the lady spent so much time on the flower I decided oh well I'll keep it. (Kris later went and covered her flower up. haha). After the pedicure we went to BabiesRUs and I showed Kris what it was like to park in the "Expecting Mothers" parking. We had to get a boppy and a boppy cover. After that running around we picked up the boys and the kiddos and decided to hit up my place of employment and have some lunch. I introduced them to some fried pickles (which because I was still pregnant they were AMAZING...and they still are!) We then decided to go home because they were coming over later. After dinner we went out separate ways because we had a long day the next day (at least we hoped it wasn't toooo long)

Later that night: So, I was supppose to be up at 4 am (I set this time because I wanted time to get ready) well...needless to say I had NO sleep....I think maybe 2 hours.

Thursday, June 3, 2010: D-DAY!!! (Delivery Day) Woke up at 4:15-4:30ish and got ready. At 5:30, we headed to the hospital to get ready for my induction! Around 6:30 I finally received my Pitocin. It was pretty awesome. It was perfection. I asked for the epidural before the doctor came in to break my water because I knew if the doctor broke my water before I got the epidural that things would just be worse. So, perfection means that when I asked for my epidural the anesthesiologist walks in and then the doctor walked in right after they started to put the epidural in. Wooo. So, I got lucky. Then after they did the epidural the doctor came in and broke my water and finally around 12:15 I started feeling like OMG I have to push. And finally, at 12:33 PM Ezra made his debut! And the only thing that I could ask everyone was "does he have hair"...and the reason that I wanted to know that was because I wanted to know if my heartburn had a reason! :D And of course he had hair!!! AND he has blue eyes. All the more amazing. That whole day was a whirlwind.

I was told not to eat from midnight on the night before because right after I had Ezra I was suppose to have my tubal ligation and unfortunately because of ALL the babies that were being born that day (7 all together) and so unfortunately I didn't eat for 18 hours and was finally told you will have your surgery in the morning go ahead and eat. So, because Timmy is so awesome he went and got me some food! And I let Kris and Timmy enjoy some time with Ezra, and to make sure that they were able to get the most time of the feedings, and also the diaper changing they could. So, Kris and Timmy stayed on the couch in my room so that Ezra could stay in the room with us. After all of that was said and done I was exhausted and just passed out!

Friday, June 4, 2010: Bright and Early, because I was having surgery I didn't eat yet again! So, at 9:30 because I was still so exhausted I headed down to surgery (I had to have general anesthesia) so I get downstairs and I pass out because I'm super exhausted, but they wheel me in the room to start my surgery and they say breath this in (supposedly it was oxygen) but after about 5 or 6 breaths I PASSED OUT! Next thing I remember I am going back into my room and getting back into my bed and going back to sleep because I'm soooo exhausted. I wake up remember eating, and remember how much pain I was in, looked down at my belly button and realize it has these tape pieces on it. I didn't even want to see the incision. Friday was a dramatic day, come to find out that Ezra wasn't able to be discharged without a court order (just a wrench in the whole adoption thing) and I couldn't sign papers because I had been under the anesthesia and I wasn't able to make an "informed" decision until 24 hours after the anesthesia wore off. So, we ended up having to stay in the hospital until Monday.

Monday, June 7, 2010: One of the hardest days of my entire life. The night before, everything was okay, until Ezra had his first "hungry, unhappy" cry. And, then all of the sudden my "mommy mode" came into play and I started to bawl my eyes out. I tried to keep it on the down low, because I didn't really want to show my sensitive side. So, I cried, and then just went to sleep. So, in the morning Dave showed up around 10:00 to start the paperwork. Before this Kris and Timmy went upstairs and had their showers and so I called Ezra in from the nursery to have some alone time. So, when Dave, my social worker arrived and Maria, a support person was there as well and she read me this book that just made me cry some more. But finally, after time I was able to sign the papers (Ezra still in arms). There were so many people in the room it just felt really unreal. But after the papers were signed we invited Kris and Timmy back in the room and I wanted to be able to give her Ezra and say "Hi, Mommy"...to just let her know that it was official, the moment she had been waiting for had finally come, and it was official.

I was discharged from the hospital that day and so was Ezra. Leaving was hard. I slept most of the day, barely ate and pretty much cried whenever I saw something that had Ezra on it, clothes I had worn when I was pregnant with Ezra, and even his ultrasound picture, I bawled my eyes out. I had to sleep with the elephant that they got me just to feel "relaxed".

I will not sugarcoat this for you and say that it’s easy…because it is the hardest decision that you will ever make in your entire life. It’s one that you shouldn’t take lightly. But like I said in the beginning YOU are the one that can make the choices, the ball is in your court the entire time.

In closing of this introduction I want to apologize for how long it was, I do want to say that there is not a day that goes by that there aren’t tears, or sadness, happiness and joy. But adoption is bittersweet… it is bitter because you are giving away a part of you forever, but it is sweet because you know that you are giving your child the life that you yourself cannot provide. You are giving HOPE to a family that has a huge hole in their heart, an emptiness that cannot be described or felt by any other. I am happy that each and everyday I am able to hear about our birth son Ezra, and that I get the opportunity through our open adoption to see pictures of him and his smiling face. He looks just like me with the big blue eyes, but he has all the personality and laughter, love, and happiness of his parents. He is my Ezra, and I am his Alicia…and I am pretty okay with that.