Warning: Adoptees Ahead!

My birthmom friends are such an inspiration to me that since connecting with some of you in Charlotte in May, I realized how much I want that connection in my real life, in my own town. Although this is my first attempt at that connection, rest assured it won't be my last!

A few weeks ago, I found a local group through the American Adoption Congress and exchanged emails with the group coordinator for an "Adoption Support Group". I was excited at how fast she responded to my request to visit her group and how warm she came across.

That should have been my first clue something was wrong.

My first meeting was on a cool 90 degree evening at a bank building. Yep, you read that right. When I arrived there were already two ladies chatting in the parking lot, one older (much older) and one younger (much younger). They were friendly and immediately introduced themselves and included me in the conversation.

As we stood talking, an older gentleman also joined us, apparently one of the regulars.

After driving down the street to McDonald's and air conditioning, we started the actual meeting. Since meetings like this are usually confidential in nature, it felt odd to be in the middle of a public place, but I went with it.

The leader opened the group by saying, "If one more person tells me how fortunate I was to be taken into a loving adopted home, I think I'm going to throw up." She's 70. And an adoptee.

The man pipes up and says, "Yeah. Like it was luck that made my birthmom throw me away with no chance of ever finding her or connecting with her." He's 60. And an adoptee.

That was the beginning of 2 very long hours of listening to the three adoptees talk about their horrible lives of multiple marriages, drug use, and feelings of worthlessness. While very eye-opening for this birthmom, and yes, they did know about my birthmom status before the meeting started, it was hard. And sad. And it made me wonder about them and their lives. They all acted like if they could just meet their birthmom, everything would be ok. Like meeting her would change the years of poor decision making.

But in their decades of life, they have had choices. Decisions. Options. And they chose those things that were harmful and destructive. Would connecting with their birthmoms really change all of that?

Obviously I'm still processing this meeting. I would love your feedback, perspective, thoughts.

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The Gift of a Child

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about children as gifts and the implications it has for those of us who relinquish those same children.  I’m not arguing that children aren’t gifts.  I believe all children are gifts to those that are fortunate enough to be involved in their lives, and I don’t think you’ll find a single parent, birth parent or otherwise, that would disagree with me.

The hazard with thinking of children as gifts, however, comes when we think of them as gifts to give another family.  I believe I’ve said before how strongly I feel that children have families already when they are conceived.  You as a pregnant woman were your child’s family even if no other biological relative wanted to be involved.  When you signed away your legal rights to that child that did not mean that you signed away your motherhood as well.  No legal document can ever diminish the fact that you are still family to that child.  You are still that child’s mother.

When we choose a family for our child and subsequently sign away parental rights to that child, we are not giving that family the gift of a child.  We are giving our child the gift of an additional family that is better equipped to raise him or her than you feel you are at the time.

I’ve spoken on my own blog several times of the importance of adoption as a whole needing to be focused on the child and not focused on the parents.  That doesn’t mean no support is needed at all for the parents involved.  What it does mean is that we support the parents of that child by focusing on that child.  I’ve heard this attitude described as “finding a home for every child” instead of “finding a child for every home.”  That says it so completely and correctly.  When we consider ourselves as giving a gift of a child to the adoptive family, we’re “finding a child for every home.”  We’re not finding a home for that child.  Our focus is put on the hopeful adoptive family instead of on that child.

I’m not saying that we can’t or shouldn’t look at the positives for the family that is adopting our child as well.  In my own situation, though I didn’t choose Mack’s parents for their happiness, it does make me happy that they’re happy with my daughter.  I still did not place Mack with them for their happiness.  It was a side benefit as I like to see my “gifts” appreciated.  If Mack grows up surrounded by an adoptive family that love her and take wonderful care of her, then the gift I gave to her will truly be realized and fulfilled.  It will make me happy seeing that she likes the gift I gave to her.  It will make me happy to see her contentment with the family that I chose.

I’ll close with this thought.  It’s okay to think of your child as a gift.  Mack was and is a wonderful, life-changing gift.  But when you give your child an additional family, don’t let yourself fall into the trap of thinking you’re giving the gift of your child to those people.  Think of yourself as giving the gift of an additional, more-prepared family to your child.

Extended Family

Image credit: professortassel.blogspot.com

Most of you know at this point that I have a fairly open adoption.  I call it “semi-open” because we don’t have supervised visits, but they’re always in a public, neutral location and we don’t yet know their last name or their home address (though we know the city in which they live).

Last Monday, I got an email from T.  In it, she mentioned that she and C have decided they’d like to meet my family.  They want to meet my boyfriend’s family too, but they’re much farther away.  It won’t be until “after June,” but they plan to drive up north (they live in Oregon, and my family lives in Washington) and evidently stay with C’s family who doesn’t live too far from where my family does.

When I read that, I immediately got excited and then got nervous.  My family was NOT supportive of my making an adoption plan (they thought I should parent or place her with my sister – not good ideas).  I think they’ve come to terms with it now, and seeing that I’m working actively on maintaining a relationship with my daughter’s parents has helped a lot.  My main concern was that the visit would overwhelm T & C because my family would be so excited to meet them and see their granddaughter.  I didn’t want my parents or my sister to assume that because T and C want to meet them once that visits will continue and they’ll start to get updates about my daughter from “the source.”

I also have to fight with my feelings of selfishness when it comes to my daughter.  I would NEVER say this to T and C simply because I don’t want them to assume that I’m pushing for more contact when that’s not the case.  But I feel that I get limited visits with my daughter anyway, and now I’m going to have to “share” her with extended family as well.  I know that had I decided to parent, I’d be grateful to have my family spend time with her, but it feels different simply because I’m not parenting.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining.  A lot of you don’t even get letters or pictures, much less visits. I’m very grateful for the contact I receive.  I just now have to fight with wanting to keep my daughter “all to myself” when the extended family visit finally happens.

What about you?  Do any of you have contact arrangements in place that have allowed your families to spend time with your son or daughter and their parents?  How do you deal with anxiety over “sharing” that contact with your families?

An Introduction: Sarah's Story

Hello all!


Introductions are in order :) My name is Sarah: I am a senior at the University of Central Florida studying Social Work, I am a sister, daughter, girlfriend, and friend; I own a pembroke welsh corgi named Pepper, who is extremely feisty and I am a birthmother. The story of my son, ML(his initials), and I is very long and complicated so I'll try to give you the short version with more details as I continue to blog.


Two years ago I was attending a college in another state. I had a boyfriend who decided to visit me against my parents wishes and suffice it to say we were incredibly stupid, stubborn and I was naive. I didn't think I was pregnant until I got home for winter break. My mom commented on how I was always sleeping and wondered if I was pregnant. I, of course, denied everything and anything. I privately took a pregnancy test and found out I was but I continued to deny it. On the break, while I was less than three months pregnant, I rode roller coasters and I drank alcohol and I did everything that as a pregnant woman should not do. In January, when I went back to school, I started losing a lot of weight and convinced myself again that I couldn't be pregnant because I was losing so much weight. The school found out I was pregnant and made me call my parents and tell them. After a lot of drama with the school I asked my mom if I could just come home. My mom drove with my then boyfriend to pick me up and bring me home.


At home I found more peace than at school. My parents were shocked and they went through stages of anger and disappointment but they rallied behind me and gave me a ton of support. I at first had decided that my boyfriend and I would work towards marriage and raise our son together. To make a long part of this story short, at 8 months pregnant he told me he was in love with someone else and wanted to be with her over our son and I. So I said goodbye to him and found myself lost as to what to do. I didn't want G in my life or in my son's and I knew that if I raised my son I would have to see G and that my son would be affected. My mom and I looked into adoption and talked with a few good friends about it and we were directed to an agency. Through the agency, G's rights were terminated, however I had him involved so that he wouldn't be able to make a fuss at all after the adoption went through.


At this point I'm about to look at family profiles and decide who was going to raise my son. I had a long list of qualifications such as my son had to be their first child, they had to like music, sports, they had to have dogs and they had to want other children besides my son, etc. G and I had already named our son but I realized that the parents would decide what they wanted. I told my mom and dad that if my qualifications weren't met then I would raise my son myself. Only the best for my son. My mom told me I'd never find anyone who met all my qualifications. Before I could look at any profiles, an old friend of the family told my mom that she knew a couple that were interested in adoption and would I be willing to meet them. The only reason I said yes was because this woman was like a second mom to me.


I was extremely nervous meeting this couple as I'm sure they were with meeting me. To my surprise the people who walked in were my old youth pastors and their eldest son and daughter in law. I was shocked but happy at the same time because this was a family I knew since I was little. I had never met G and K but I knew his parents and his 3 younger brothers. I didn't really want to say anything or ask questions so my mom took the lead and asked them everything. Turns out they met everything on my list of qualifications. I had to leave for an outing with my sister but my mom stayed and talked some more with them. Later on my mom told me that the name G and K had picked out for their first son was the same name that G and I had picked out. It was then I knew that they were to be my son's parents. God had set it up in such a beautiful way.


I'm sure I'll fill you all in on the small details later. We have an open adoption and I get to see ML about twice a year and I feel like I am a part of their family. I couldn't have found better adoptive parents. G and K treat me like a sister and they are really, truly wonderful people. Through this experience I found that I want to change society's view of birthmothers. 


I hope that through this blog I can help other birthmothers in some small way :) 


Have a great week!!


~ Sarah

Introductions

Hey everyone!  I'm Monika and since this is my first BirthMom Buds blog post, I thought I'd tell you my adoption story.

Mackenzie (her name is changed to protect her) was born November 10, 2009.  Guess what?  It was a complete surprise to everyone (including me) that I was even pregnant.  I had NO idea.  Being diabetic, it's not uncommon for me to miss periods, and I wore all my own clothes all the way through.  I was about 36 weeks with her when they delivered her, so she was almost full term.  From what I gathered later, no one at the ER knew I was pregnant either until they wanted to do a test on me that required them to know whether I was pregnant or not.  You see, I was having seizures.  I had the first one at home that morning.  My roommate at the time heard me flop to the floor and when she couldn't rouse me, she called 911.  I evidently had at least one more seizure on the way to the hospital.   You see, I don't remember anything from the 10th of November (when I was admitted) to the 14th of November (when they finally released me), so I've had to piece things together the best that I know how from other peoples' stories.

I do remember NOT wanting to hold her or see her after she was delivered via emergency C-section.  I've known for a very long time that even though I love kids, I never wanted to have any of my own.  I thought originally that I would want a closed adoption so I didn't want to hold or see her in the hospital because I thought that it would be too hard on me to have to place her after holding her.  I do regret that.  I regret not holding or seeing her in the hospital, though I'm not certain how much I'd actually remember of holding her.

Without medical history on me, because I had no family in the area (my family is all in Washington state and I was living in mid-Oregon at the time), and because Mackenzie was ready to leave the hospital before I was, the state took her into their custody.  I know that they questioned my ability to make an adoption decision because I was having seizures (due to high blood pressure, not brain issues).  I'm very glad that it happened the way it did, because the additional time gave me the ability to change my mind and request an open adoption instead of a closed one.

After a couple of court dates and finally getting to meet my daughter for the first time on December 11, 2009, I was able to place Mackenzie with her adoptive parents on January 4, 2010.  It was our first time meeting each other.  We didn't even get the opportunity to even talk with each other on the phone.  I picked them by their adoption book, but I had no other contact with them.  I found out much later, almost a year later, in fact, that T & C (Mackenzie's adoptive parents) requested multiple times to have the opportunity to meet me before "adoption day," but they were ignored by our adoption agency.  Going into the meeting, my social worker told me that if I didn't like them or if something struck me as odd about them, that I would have the opportunity to change my mind about them.  That the adoption would still happen, but I would have the opportunity to pick another set of parents for my daughter.  But when I met them, I just knew.  I had no doubt that while God may not have made me get pregnant, He kept her in me despite all my "efforts" (simply from not knowing) to get ride of her, and that He allowed things to happen in my life the way they did so that I could give T and C the gift of a child they'd wanted for so long.

I still console myself with that knowledge when things get rough.  Though I've had sad and rough days (more about those later), I have an extraordinary sense of peace about the whole situation.  I know God's plan is in motion, and that He's with me through every step of the way.

Birthmother Support

“Birthmom Buds are like a good bra, close to your heart and there for support.”

While Teen Mom on MTV shows the difficulties of what it’s like for three girls who have had babies at a young age, it also focuses on the struggle Catelynn and her boyfriend, Tyler, have had post-adoption. It shows the nitty gritty of the raw emotions faced by birth parents after placing their child into the hands of the adoptive parents. This week’s episode brought up how important it is to have a good support system, to get through the feelings that not just anyone can understand.

While Catelynn dealt with her grief last season by talking to her adoption worker and meeting the other birthmoms at a retreat, Tyler never had the opportunity to grieve Carly’s placement. This season shows a different light, where the “loss” of Carly is starting to hit him and he is realizing that he is in a much different situation than others in his age range. He is feeling guilty for wanting to have fun and enjoy his last year of high school, and his emotions seem to be causing a rift in their relationship.

I love that Tyler is able to talk to his mom. She has been supportive of their choice since the beginning, especially when Catelynn’s mom and Tyler’s dad were against it. I think it’s great that she was able to try to motivate him to do things and enjoy his life, rather than make him feel bad for the decision he made. I like that the adoption worker is still in contact with both of them and that she is an amazing resource for the couple, because that’s not always the case in most adoptions. I truly felt happy for Tyler for reaching out to another birthfather who was able to give him the support that only another birthparent could give. The man to man conversation they had was important because it gave him the perspective of someone who has been through it already and the ok to do things and be happy.

As a birthmother for the past 5 years, I wish I had the support that Tyler has from his mom. While my family has been able to somewhat understand my feelings and reasoning for the adoption itself thanks to Teen Mom, they don’t entirely get it and support me. Getting pictures in the mail is only a reminder to them of the piece of them that they never got to know. They say mean things from time to time and it has caused some tension between all of us. My family is more like Catelynn’s family, angry for the decision I made and unable to comprehend why. It has been the biggest source of the pain in my heart, more than letting go of my beautiful daughter, because they’re support matters most.

I think it is great that the adoption worker for Catelynn and Ty is still a part of their lives, following up with them and providing them with the resources for more support. I believe that post-adoption care is so important, and not all of us are as lucky to get that. My original social worker wasn’t the greatest. When I called a few weeks after I had the baby to ask for resources for counseling, she said to just check online or the yellow pages. She left the adoption agency I worked with about a year after Hope’s placement. She never called or emailed me, she just disappeared. I felt “jipped”, like she was there for me when it came to taking my baby from me, but she wasn’t there when I was sad about it and needed someone to talk to. It only made me feel worse.

Having other birthparents to talk to seems to have helped Catelynn and Tyler. I know it has definitely helped for me. For 4 ½ years, I basically lived with an emptiness and had no one to relate to. My friends didn’t know what to say or do when her birthday would come around or Mother’s day would come up. I didn’t ever think there was anyone out there who understood what it felt like to miss a piece of my heart, to wonder what she was doing or if I’d ever meet her. That was until I met the ladies from BMB.

I know I mentioned it in my last post, but I do feel forever grateful for the friendships I have created with the wonderful women all over the country who have become my support system. These birthmoms have become like sisters and are people I could laugh, and cry, and share my life with. One of those women, in particular, has become my go-to person for everything in my life and I honestly forgot what life was like before her. While we are a few states away, we text nearly everyday, and I consider her to be my best friend, even though we have only met each other once. It feels good to have that connection with someone who understands the emotions and feelings that go through my heart and my head. She’s been a b-mom a little longer than I have, and so I appreciate her wisdom when it comes to certain things.

Having the proper support is so important to get through the tough times. Whether it comes in the form of a family member, social worker, church leader, friend, or other birth parent, it helps to have someone to vent to or cry on. A good support system is crucial in processing the grief and guilt and heartache that we may carry. There is no need to go through that alone, especially when there are other people out there in the world who can relate to you.

Introducing Britney

Hi Ladies!

Coley asked if I was interested in writing a weekly post here at the Birthmom Buds blog in addition to my own, and I said yes! So, let me introduce myself:

My name is Britney, and I'm birthmom to an adorable 4-month-old little boy I call "C". I have an open adoption with his parents, H&L.

I'm a 24-year-old native Texan. I am studying non-profit administration through online courses and working for a local talk radio station. I go to a great church and volunteer in the nursery on Sundays, and I enjoy staying pretty politically involved.

I found out I was pregnant a little over a year ago. I decided to place C for adoption very early in my pregnancy but, as most of us did, vacillated between parenting and placing several times before I made the final decision. Originally, I thought I would be placing him with friends, but ended up meeting H&L through the agency I worked with about four months before C was born.

I found Birthmom Buds while searching online about a week after my pregnancy was officially confirmed and got an e-mail from a mentor later that week. I've also had the opportunity to know several birthmoms "in real life," and I am so grateful for their support!

Since placing, I've become involved with a local group called Adoption Knowledge Affiliates, which has monthly meetings where all triad members (adoptive parents, birth parents and adopted persons) and adoption professionals gather and share our experiences.

If there's anything else you'd like to know about me, please feel free to ask! I look forward to sharing a bit of my journey with you!

BirthMom Buds mentioned in The Union County Weekly

BirthMom Buds was recently mentioned in the news again. The Union County Weekly (out of North Carolina) did a story about Helen, one of our members. The article is below. 

Buds Have Common Bond
by Kara Lopp

When Helen Smeha unexpectedly got pregnant 21 years ago, her mother was so ashamed she wanted her daughter to have an abortion. Smeha refused. Instead, she chose adoption. 

Smeha, who’s Lebanese, said her family was embarrassed she was dating a black man, which was taboo in her family, and doesn’t like to talk about the adoption even now. The 44-year-old Indian Trail resident had a closed adoption, which means Smeha doesn’t know where her son lives or what he looks like. But through the adoption agency there have been letters from his adopted parents over the years, and Smeha knows her son is in college. She doesn’t know where or what he’s studying. “You know that we did this because we love our children,” she said. “I’ve heard it all through the years. Some people say, ‘You have no heart,’ and it’s like no, we do have a heart. It takes a lot of love to do this. I love (my son) more than me.”

A member of the online support group BirthMom Buds, Smeha joined about 20 other birth mothers at the organization’s fifth annual Birthmother’s Celebration May 1-3 in Charlotte.

It was their first three-day event. Women who’ve chosen adoption swapped stories, celebrated being birth mothers and shared information on how to help other women experiencing unplanned pregnancies. The six-year old organization, started by two birth mothers from Spartanburg, S.C., and Atlanta, has about 900 members and hosts local support group meetings.

The goal? Co-founder Nicole Strickland said it’s to let birth mothers know “they’re not alone” and provide support long after the adoption is finalized. Strickland placed her son for adoption seven years ago. “There are people who have done this before,” the 32-year-old said. “It is something that you deal with forever. It’s not like you place the baby and the pain’s gone in a year.”

Strickland met co-founder LeiLani Downing, 28, in 2001 after Downing posted a desperate plea for support on adoption.com after she placed her daughter for adoption. The two became fast friends and now are the backbone of BirthMom Buds.Breaking birth-mother stereotypes,such as they’re drug or alcohol addicts or simply don’t care about their babies,is a constant battle the women also fight, they say.

Stopping stereotypes
Through BirthMom Buds, Smeha said she’s learned to embrace the fact that she is a mother, though she chose not to raise her child. Now a medical transcriptionist, she doesn’t regret the decision – though that doesn’t mean the decision hasn’t taken an emotional toll. Smeha doesn’t have any other children. “I have suffered,” she said. “I see parents, I see children … and sometimes I get a little sad and tormented. I look around sometimes and I say, could he be my son? Could I be talking to my son? But deep down I (know I) did the right thing.”

Like several other BirthMom Buds,Smeha has found reward – and healing– in mentoring unwed mothers. For more than a year, she’s volunteered at Charlotte’s Florence Crittenton Services,a nonprofit that helps single mothers and their babies, and has been present as two women she mentored gave birth. Smeha said she doesn’t push the women toward adoption but simply shares her story and offers a listening ear.

“I’m very real with them,” she said. “To me, a mentor means a friend. It doesn’t mean to tell them what to do.” 

Smeha hopes to someday be reunited with her son. He contacted the adoption agency about a year ago saying he was ready to write letters to his birth mother. Smeha has been waiting for that first letter ever since. She’s written to him since he was 10.“God has always heard my prayers and my unanswered prayers,” she said. “I know he’s in good hands.”