Good for the Soul

As I mentioned in my post last week, I just had a visit with my son this past weekend. Words cannot describe how thankful I am for these bimonthly visits with him. We had the opportunity to spend a full day doing exciting things and spending priceless time with him. While there are definitely some hard moments during visits, they are so life-giving to me and my family. We treasure each and every moment and carry them with us until we are able to visit again. It is so amazing to be able to watch Aidan as he grows and to see the growing relationship between him and his sisters, my parents, my husband, and of course, with me. I think the feelings surrounding a visit can only be understood by birth mothers who are involved in an open adoption. There are unique relationships with each situation, but I believe there are similar feelings for us all. I am still at a place of greater peace following my visit, and for me, I am just trying to enjoy this time and know that I have just seen my beautiful baby and shown him all my love, and I cannot wait to see him again.

There are always special moments between Aidan and I on each one of our visits. As he has gotten older they are fewer, mostly because he is so busy and excited to run and play he is not as interested in cuddles and sweet talk. However, I am always so blessed by the times when we share a special look with each other in which our eyes meet, and it is as if he understands everything I feel and our hearts are one. When I hold him in my arms and he locks his arms around my neck it is as if the world stops for a second. There is nothing better. I see his love for me and my family when I watch him interact with my girls. He constantly reaches for my sweet Ava’s hand, and they laugh and play together like they have never been separated. He laughs and plays with my younger daughter Olivia and gives her the sweetest hugs at random. I have no doubt that he feels a special connection with his sisters, and this brings me great joy. I can see the love in his eyes, and no matter how confusing things may be, or how our relationship grows and changes over the years, I am confident in the love that we have shared. We have so many memories together already. We share something I cannot explain, but it is beautiful. Each time I have the chance to be with him it gives me strength for the times when I cannot. He is everything to me. He is my angel. He is my girls’ “bubba.” He is a gift. I am so blessed to watch him as he grows and to continue to share my love with him.

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Families

Sorry for the silence past couple of weeks.  The holidays have been a little bit rough.

If you're reading this, congratulations, you survived the holidays and have made it (hopefully) safely into the new year.  I do believe that everyone deserves a round of applause for that.  After all with travel, weather, various kinds of insanity, there are a great many things that can, and sometimes do, go wrong.  The one thing that I have found is constant in life at those times is family.

When I say family, I don't always mean the people that you are related to by blood.  I have a few different families.  Most would call them social groups, and that's a valid name.  But some are close enough that I do call them family.  I spent my holidays with my parents and we had a very nice, calm, relaxed Christmas.  Exchanged a few presents, made some great food, and had good and hilarious conversation.  I learned of problems in our extended family and in particular one of us that I'm going to try to reach out to as much as I'd like to just let her go.  But she is family.

Before I left though, I was in attendance at a party with friends.  A few of these friends I have grown very close to over the past year.  Close enough that soon I will be giving one a ride to pick up her car and then having dinner with her.  This is the family that I've formed here in Athens.  They're the people that I hang out with, go to dinner with, have late-night philosophical conversations with, and the ones that I whisper my secrets too and let them whisper their secrets to me.  They're as close to me as the people I grew up with.  They're the family of friends that I have gained here in Athens.

I hope that I will get to visit my family of friends in Columbus this summer.  I spent nine years of my life there and the connections made there have refused to fade over time.  One friend, who owns a book shop, almost never leaves my thoughts.  And I know when I step into his shop we will probably pick up the conversation we were having the last time I was there.  Sometimes it feels like I have never left once I find the people I knew for years.  Recently, we've suffered a tragedy in our little close-knit family.   And like all families, we are reaching across the lines of communication and assured each other that we are all still here.  We are still family.

Later this month, my son, J, and his parents will be coming over to my parents' house for the "Christmas visit."  It's been pushed back a little because of illness and problems in their family.  But his mother assured me that they are looking forward to seeing us, and I do believe her.  They have just had a difficult year, and I know it.  My son lost two grandparents this year.  And I know one was a much tougher loss than the other.  I know one was expected and one wasn't.  But like all families, they have bonded together to see each other through.  His father and I have talked every month at the poetry readings.  We hang out together afterwards and I get to hear how my son is doing on a very intimate level.  And this is the family I have made with my son.  I'm very lucky in this, and I'm no idiot, I know this doesn't always happen.  But sometimes it does.  It's different from every other family I've had.  They're closer than friends.  Yet not as close as family.  But we share a life together.  We share one life, J's life.  We both watch him grow and am amazed by it every day.  We are learning together what to do and what he may be one day.  And this family I believe will always be a part of my life just as my blood family, my Columbus family, and my Athens family always will be.

Here's to you all and your families wherever they may be.  Hug them tight, let them know you're there, and I hope you all know that no matter what happens in your lives, you are loved by someone.

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Serenity

One of my favorite quotes is the “Serenity Prayer.” For those of you who may not be familiar with it, it reads as follows: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I think this is a perfect quote for a lot of people, but especially for birth moms.

The first part of that prayer can be difficult for any birth mom regardless of placement circumstances. Even if you’re like me and have a relationship with your child and his or her adoptive parents, there can be a lot of things we wish could be or could have been different. We can wish on our darkest days that we’d never gotten pregnant in the first place or that our relationship with our child’s adoptive parents was a closer relationship. We can spend days waiting for a picture, an email, or even a text that was promised and not delivered. If you don’t have a relationship with your child and his or her parents the doubts and desires get a lot stronger. It’s not much of a stretch to believe that accepting the things you can’t change would be harder to do in that circumstance than doing the same thing if there’s not much about your relationship with your child and his or her parents that you would change.

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I think that even if you have a wonderful relationship with your child and his or her parents you still have regret. Even our greatest decisions in life are tinged with regret. I’m not saying that I believe the decision to relinquish my daughter was the greatest decision I’ve ever made. I’m not assuming you would believe the same thing about your own situation, nor should you. However even if you believe as I do that you made an appropriate decision given your circumstances at the time that you will still struggle with regret at least occasionally.

There may not be a thing you can do to change your situation, whatever it may be. But if you cannot change your situation I hope that you find serenity in the things you cannot change. This doesn’t mean that you will be happy with the situation. Finding peace in your situation is not the same as finding happiness. Happiness is elusive and reliant on situations and other people. The peace that comes with a general acceptance of your not being able to change the situation in which you find yourself is something for which to strive.

It’s not easy. I think it’s a lifetime journey just as dealing with the lifetime grief journey that starts once you relinquish your rights to your child. But I also believe that it’s possible.

Titles Sometimes = Gray Areas

In my personal experience, I've found that adoption language is a little more than difficult to navigate. It's really not black and white, and there are so many gray areas (I ALMOST said so many shades of gray, probably because I've heard so much about that book lately!), which can cause people to walk on eggshells. Not just friends and family of birth parents or adoptive parents, but the birth parents and adoptive parents themselves. For example, I will always think of my little girl as my daughter. I know I signed my parental rights away, but I will always think of her that way.  I have never referred to her as my birth daughter, because personally, it doesn't feel right to me. Not that it isn't - I'm just not comfortable with it, whereas another birth mom may be comfortable with it.

My daughter's mom always refers to me as her birth mom, which is completely fine. I personally do not love the term, but I do prefer it over 'first mom,' or 'natural mom,' because the first makes it sound as if her adoptive mom comes second, and the latter makes it sound as if her adoptive mom is 'unnatural' - neither of which are things I believe. I get conflicted at times, because I refer to her adoptive mom simply as her "mom." While I recognize that I am not actively our daughter's "mommy," sometimes I wish we could both simply be called "mother." Sometimes adding adjectives adds conflict. (I have a habit of analyzing words, if you couldn't tell).

For Arianna's birthday, Jared* (*not her birthdad's real name) signed her card, 'your loving father,' which her mom and dad didn't take too well to. They were friendly and polite, but asked him not to refer to himself that way, as her dad who is raising her earns that title. She would prefer he signed it 'your loving birth father.' She gave me the heads up that she was going to be writing to Jared to tell him, which I appreciated, and I completely took her side. He does not deserve the same title or recognition that her daddy does! However, after speaking to him about it, and seeing how hurt he was, I started to see his side as well. At the end of the day, he is still her father -- no, not her "daddy," -- but without him being her father in the first place, her adoptive dad wouldn't have that title (not to sound overly self-righteous - because I'm not like that). Now the situation has blown over, but I'm still floating somewhere between seeing his side and also completely understanding hers. This is what I mean about the "gray" areas.

Have you run into any of these "gray" areas head-on throughout your adoption experience? If so, how did you handle them?  Are you able to "keep the peace?"