Movies, Movies, Movies

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There are few movies that include depictions of birthmothers I've liked and which haven't left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Recently we watched "Admission" which, semi-spoiler alert, includes a birthmother storyline that I actually enjoyed. It wasn't a movie about being a birthmother, but I thought it was realistic, yet positive, and simple and almost nonchalant (something I'd like to see more often).

More positive media portrayals of average women who happen to also be birthmothers, I believe, would help shape the overall general view of women who place their children with adoptive families, and I was pleased with this particular example. What I could do without are characters like the birthmother in October Baby, a movie highly recommended by everyone I knew who saw it, yet which I really disliked. I'm not denying that there aren't very calloused, dramatic birthmothers who do much harm to families as well as to the reputation of other women who have chosen the path of adoption for their children. I know women like that. I've read stories like that.

But I feel that many people are aware of those stereotypes and could instead benefit from hearing and seeing something different, perhaps even more common: genuine, kind, real women who faced a difficult decision. Women they can relate to. I also know so many birth mothers who don't fit the lifestyle stereotype - the lost cause, hopeless, drug or party addict who may only barely finish high school - and I want others to realize that as well.

So, do you know of any movies with birthmother stories that you can recommend? Or that you would never recommend? Which movies have really struck a chord with you, good or bad?

What are your thoughts on movies like Admission, Juno or Mother and Child? How about October Baby?

Book Review: Delivered

Image credit: Amazon.com

Today for my blog post I’m doing another review.  This time I had the honor of previewing a book that has only recently been published but is available on Amazon.com and through her website.  It’s Michelle Thorne’s “Delivered: My Harrowing Journey as a Birthmother.”

I think my experiences with such words as are in the title shaped my expectations of this book before I read it.  Frankly I expected a story of a woman placing under coercion, her hatred of her experience and her finally coming to terms with it at the end of the book.  What I read was not at all that storyline, and I was pleasantly surprised.

Instead the book is an autobiographical account of the events leading up to Michelle becoming a birthmother.  In fact in this book, Michelle spends approximately 75% of the 197 total pages on her emotions and the events and decisions that led up to the placement of her son.  Birthmothers of all types, whether in open or closed adoptions, may find themselves relating to the emotions that Michelle so aptly describes upon finding out she’s pregnant.

A portion of the book really caught my mind and heart.  After she has her son and subsequently places him, she quotes her own journal from that time.  In it she says, “Today was gut wrenching.  I have not known pain until today.  I have not touched death until now.  I am lost.  These words are void of the gravity of the situation.  This feeble attempt at capturing such a thing is ridiculous.  I am crushed under the magnitude of it.  Part of me is now dead.  I can only hope the rest of me will soon follow.”  Later she says, “I think the finality of it shocked me the most.  I was prepared for what was going to happen, but I wasn’t prepared for it being done.  Finished.  Over.  I was left with an empty belly and empty arms.  There was an unmistakable void in my life.  My arms would ache, much like a phantom pain experienced by an amputee.  It was so real and painful.”  I frankly loved that description.  It was so real that I think even those who aren’t birthmothers and haven’t experienced that pain would be able to understand the pain of placing a baby.

In short, this book was an engaging read from start to finish.  I find myself wanting to know more about her experience as a birthmother post-placement.  I want to know if she’s had any contact with her son over the years or if she wants contact.  In it she states that she never expects to hear from her son again, but I do wonder if she’s now heard from him or his parents.  She will be speaking at the BirthMom Buds Retreat in a month and I hope to be there to get my questions answered!

Thank you, Michelle, for being so generous with your life in telling us your story, and for the honor I received of being one of the first ones to read your book.

Disclaimer: I was given a free copy of the book to review but all opinions are my own. 

Book Review: Because I Loved You

Image credit: Amazon.com

Today I’m reviewing “Because I Loved You: A Birthmother’sView of Open Adoption”, by Patricia Dischler.

It’s a relatively short book, and an easy read for those of us who’ve been in the adoption world for some time, especially as birth mothers.  It’s well-organized, and I love the way that she intersperses her own story with practical advice. 

I would say this book would be best for expectant mothers considering adoption.  The story begins from the moment she found out that she was pregnant and her circumstances at that point, so that’s when the advice begins as well.  Patricia describes her book the best at the very beginning of chapter one when she says, “This book is about being pregnant when you hadn’t planned to be and about making a decision to keep your baby or place your baby with an adoptive family.”  She goes on to say, “This is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make in your life, and there is no single right decision for every woman or girl who faces an unplanned pregnancy.”  I very much appreciated the latter quote as society as a whole still tends to dump two choices in our laps when we’re faced with an unplanned pregnancy – abortion or placement, and even those aren’t compatible choices.  There isn’t one right choice when faced with an unplanned pregnancy, and I strongly believe society as a whole shouldn’t ever force someone to make a decision like adoption if it’s not the right choice for them.  Adoption was the right choice for me, but I’m not assuming it is for everyone.  On this, Patricia and I are in wholehearted agreement.

I particularly liked her analogy when speaking of beginning an open adoption.  She brings to memory the game that a lot of counselors can make you play where you close your eyes and fall backwards into someone else’s arms, trusting that the person will catch you and not let you fall.  She then says, “This is what open adoption can feel like in the beginning, except you have no reason to trust the person who is supposed to catch you because it’s a stranger.  They haven’t done anything to gain your trust, and, likewise, you’ve done nothing to earn their trust.  A birthmother blindly trusts strangers to love her child as their own, to let her know he’s happy, and to never deny her existence.  Likewise, adoptive parents trust a stranger to give up her child, to make them a family, and to never tear them apart.”  I truly appreciated that she not only brought in the birth mother’s position, but also the adoptive parents’ positions.

Patricia actually gave me not only the copy of her book that I read and am reviewing for you now, but she sent an extra copy for me to give to my daughter’s parents.  I thank her for her generosity!  My daughter’s mom just told me that she finished reading the book and that she agrees with my sentiment that it’s definitely a book geared toward expectant moms that are considering the choice of adoption.  I would add that brand new birth moms would benefit from reading this as well to give them some idea of the road ahead, and potential adoptive parents and their families might also benefit if they’d like to see open adoption from a birth mom’s point of view.

Thanks again, Patricia, for allowing me to read your book!

Book Review: Jessica Lost

Image credit: Amazon.com

Today I’m reviewing “Jessica Lost: A Story of Birth, Adoption, & The Meaning of Motherhood.”  It’s a well-written memoir by Bunny Crumpacker & J.S. Picariello about the events that led them to reunion and afterward.  I found this book on Amazon.com by putting in the search term of adoption.  I was surprised to see that this book came up toward the top of the list.  I figured I’d have to scroll through a lot of books geared toward hopeful adoptive parents and providing tips for successful adoptions.

The book is very logical and well planned.  It starts from the point of view of Bunny, and then the two women alternate chapters.  Bunny (or Faith, her given name) is the birth mom, and Jessica (or Jill, as her adoptive parents named her) is the adopted child, now an adult.  Their reunion doesn’t happen until Jill is 42, or as Bunny says, “Before she found me, the last time I had seen my daughter was when she was four days old. When she found me, she was 15,391 days old – just over 42.”

The expected heartbreak of both is there, as well as brief mentions of the women finding out that both the agency involved and Jill’s parents lied.  Bunny is married when she conceives Jill and Jill’s birth parents divorce soon after Jill’s birth.  They both make an adoption plan together, though it’s found out later that Jill’s birth father is not Bunny’s ex-husband, but the product of an affair.  When Jill finds out that the man she thinks is her birth father is not, she confronts him and asks why he’s been carrying on a relationship with her if she’s really not his biological daughter.  He says, “I’ve thought a lot about that.  I think it’s because I behaved so damn badly back then.  I want to take responsibility.  I want to be the grown-up I couldn’t be then.”

Jill then states, “It made sense to me, all of it: the drama, the responsibility, the stupidity of these young people who made a baby and messed up their lives and didn’t even know who did it.  I understood what they did, and even why they did it.  In my head it made sense, but in my stomach it was an ache, a pain.  They messed up their lives and messed up my life and really, deep down, I didn’t understand it at all.”  That quote I’m sure resonates strongly with every adoptee in a closed adoption.  I’m certain a large majority of people reading this have come into contact with at least one adoptee that feels this way – feels the logic of the reasons and the agony of the emotions colliding.

Toward the end of the book, Jill loses both Faith and her mom to death.  She says of the loss of Faith, “I know how fortunate I am to have found Faith – not just to have found this missing piece of my life, but to have found this particular person, this remarkable connection, this warm and enriching relationship.”  I think that all birthmothers who are still awaiting reunion want to be thought of by their children this way.

All in all, a wonderful book and an easy read.  The stories told by the women are engaging and engrossing.  I would highly recommend this book.  It gave me still more insights into the world of adoption in general.

The Shack Book Review

I know, another book review. I loved the The Shack! I'm sure everyone else read it a long time ago, but I just got to it. I loved the way it personified God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It made them so personable and so much more understandable.

You know, when I think back, there was a long time I avoided my birthmothering experience, the way Mack avoided the Shack. I didn't talk about it openly. I kept the secret. I grieved all alone. I didn't externally acknowledge the birthdays, the anniversary dates.

But like Mack, I didn't have to acknowledge them. They found me. My own biological clock reminded me of her on her birthday, at holiday time and all the times in between. It wasn't something I had to remember to do.

About seven years into his Great Sadness, Mack gets invited to go back to the Shack. To go back into his pain. Instead of running away from it and denying it, God invites him to embrace it and really drill down into it.

It wasn't until I saw a counselor in college that I really started to face my stuff. To really see it and acknowledge it for what it was. It may have seemed easier for Mack to resist going back to the Shack, but he was desperate for a way out of his Great Sadness, for a way back to living life with his family. Desperate enough to do something crazy like trudge all the way back up that mountain to face his worst fears.

Birthmothering is like that. As painful as it is, God invites us to embrace the hurt, embrace the sadness and trust him with it. God met Mack at the Shack in a big way. In a real way. He can and will do the same for you if you let him.

Where are you today? Are you walking in freedom? Or are you still stuck in sadness and pain?

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The Girls Who Went Away Review

Thanks to your suggestions, I just just finished reading Ann Fessler's The Girls Who Went Away. Wow! I mean wow wow. I've known I wasn't alone. The statistics prove that. My research shows that. I've been speaking and counseling for years on this topic, and it never ceases to amaze me that whenever you throw out the word 'adoption' in a room, you can just see the ripples.

Although I thought my adoption in the 1980's was hard, I had no idea what hard is. I could identify with many things the ladies had to say. The feelings they felt, the way their lives have been touched or damaged or torn apart. So many similarities.

I think the thing that struck me the most was the shame of it all. My parents claimed they loved me, yet when it came to such a pivotal time in my life and my development and my health, they rejected me. For so long the line "this is what's best for you" made me question if it wasn't the best thing for them.

About 5 years ago, the pregnancy center where I was serving connected me with a new volunteer. Guess what she told me? She talked about her own set of circumstances and the daughter she had placed with an adoptive family almost 40 years ago.

And she also said that I was the first person she had ever told besides her husband! That is still so amazing to me. The only way I've been able to get through the loss and grief and all of it is through talking, sharing, writing, and speaking. To be silenced by shame would be the worst.

I think my mom would be more comfortable if I would stop talking, to be honest. I love her and we have spent many years building our relationship, but this is a subject we just don't talk about. It's kind of awkward for me since this is what I speak about, write about and can't shut up about.

You know, when I was in graduate school, one of our projects included looking at 3 generations of our family on both sides. It was interesting having conversations with my mom and dad about the history of them and their families.

What was shocking is that when I finished, there was an obvious pattern of unwed pregnancy. My aunt is the first one I know about. She got pregnant in the late 1960's and stayed with my parents during her pregnancy. Then she went on with her life. The only reason I know is because my mom told me after finding out I was pregnant.

It was appalling to learn that I hadn't done something unique, but rather just the opposite. I had unwittingly carried on the 'family tradition' of getting pregnant without being married. No wonder my parents were so mad at me.

But it has lead me to wonder, how does that happen? What is it about the family dynamic that allows something secret like out of wedlock pregnancy to be repeated generation after generation?

Those thoughts are too much for today. This book has changed the way I view things. 
Have you read it? If so, what did you identify most with?


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"Mom at Sixteen" Movie Review

Today's post is written by guest blogger, Alicia M. 

Take a teenage girl who gets pregnant, an over protective single mom, and a younger sister who feels out of the mix when her older sister gets pregnant and that is the situation that Jacey Jeffries (played by Danielle Panabaker), her mom Terry Jeffries (played by Mercedes Ruehl) and her sister Macy Jeffries (played by Clare Stone) find themselves in, in the Lifetime Original Movie, Mom at Sixteen. 

Jacey gets pregnant at 15 years old by her boyfriend Brad, (played by Tyler Hynes). During her pregnancy, Jacey and her mom decide the best thing to do is place her baby for adoption. When Jacey is in the hospital with her son, she bonds with him and decides she can not place him for adoption. Jacey’s mother decides that they will keep the baby, whom they named Charlie, as long as she (the mom) tells everyone that Charlie is her son so Jacey can go back to school, go on her with her life, and fulfill all the dreams she has for her life.

They move to a new town where no one knows that Jacey had a baby. Jacey and her sister attend a new high school full of gossipy teens, where sex is as free wheeling as candy. She slowly starts to befriend her health/sex education teacher, Donna Cooper (played by Jane Krakowski). Mrs. Cooper and her husband Bob (played by Colin Ferguson), who is a coach at the school, have been trying to have a baby and even had a failed adoption. One day, Jacey faints at swim practice and has to go the emergency room.  Mrs. Cooper goes to the hospital to check on her and finds Jacey holding Charlie while waiting on her Mom to finish the hospital paperwork.  She talks to Jacey for a while and figures out that Charlie is Jacey’s son. .

Jacey and her Mom argue often and Jacey decides that she can handle being Charlie’s Mom – she doesn’t need her Mom to do it but Jacey struggles and turns to Mrs. Cooper for support learning that they (the Coopers) had a failed adoption placement and were struggling to have a child.

Jacey is beginning to realize that her Mom being Charlie’s Mom is not working and is still considering her options regarding placing Charlie for adoption. Jacey decides to join a group for young mothers and talks to the girls and learns more about open adoption versus raising their babies.

Time passes in the movie, and Mrs. Cooper excitedly runs into the gym telling her husband that she has just received a call from the adoption agency and that they have been chosen by a birthmom! At the adoption agency, they are told the birthmom has already had the baby and wants an open adoption. They agree and are anxiously waiting when Jacey walks in with her mother and Charlie. Jacey tells Mrs. Cooper that this is the hardest thing she will ever do.

In the last scene of the movie, Jacey is visiting the Coopers’ in their living room and Mr. Cooper is video taping them. He is asking Charlie, who appears to be about 5 years old, questions about what is new in his life. He says that he has a new baby sister and Mr. Cooper said "Where did she come from?' .Charlie tells him that his sister came from his mommy's tummy. And then Mr. Cooper asks Charlie where did he come from? And Charlie says, "From my Jacey's tummy." Mr. Cooper asks him, "Who is Jacey?" Charlie goes over to Jacey and hugs her. Mr. Cooper asks him, "What is so important about Jacey?" He says "I am the only one who knows how much she loves me." And Mr. Cooper says, "How is that?" Charlie says, "I am the only one who knows what her heart feels like from the inside." The movie ends with Charlie giving Jacey a big hug.

Mom at Sixteen is a touching, yet complex movie, which shows teenage pregnancy and open adoption in a very positive light. The birth mother and the adoptive family love each other deeply and they share their love for the child.  I left out many endearing scenes and would recommend this movie to anyone who has not seen it, but be sure to bring a box of Kleenex.

"Tummy Mummy" Book Review by Leah O.

For Kaylee’s 4th birthday last year, I was trying to come up with the perfect gift as usual. It is often is a huge task for me each year as I’m trying to decide what is age appropriate and what message I want to send her through her birthday gifts.  For her 4th birthday, I decided on an adoption book since she was getting older and it might help her understand the dynamics of her twice-the-love family and how it came to be through adoption.  I knew I wanted the book I chose to echo these things: my love for her, her parents love for her, and somewhat reflect our open domestic adoption.

I searched and searched and finally an adoptive mother recommended the book, The Tummy Mummy by Michelle Madrid-Branch.  After reading reviews online, I ordered it and prayed that it would be age appropriate and “fit” our family as much as it could since I could not read it before I ordered. Thankfully, it suited my requirements and I was excited to give it to Kaylee. 

The Tummy Mummy narrates adoption from the birthmother’s perspective, which I loved.  It talks about a woman who loved her baby very much but knew she could not take care of it and then talks about a couple who had lots of love and all the baby things, but did not have a baby.  Therefore it shows that all around there is love for the child even before she was born. My favorite part is how the wise owl in the book guides the Tummy Mummy across the lake and leads her to the family. This to me was especially important because in my adoption, my “wise owl” was God and He certainly led me to Kaylee’s family. For another person, that wise owl could symbolize someone else in the adoption story (a counselor, social worker, a friend, etc). In the end, the message of love from all sides is well known, even from the birthmother afar. I loved that message: that even though I am not with her all the time I still love her.

While no book is going to perfectly match each of our adoption stories, this book of all the ones I’ve fit our story and the message I wanted to convey the most, even including a “God” figure.  If this one does not fit your story? There are more out there, just keep looking! Or, you can make your own.  Also, remember to ask your child’s adoptive parents if they are okay with you giving an adoption related and see what they might already have on their bookshelf!

This review was written by Leah O. To read more of Leah's writings,
visit her blog, O. Momma Writes.