One Little Word 2017

For the past 5 years, as the new year approaches, we (Coley and Leilani)  have each chosen a word of the year. The one little word concept is easy in that you just choose a single word or two to focus on throughout the year implementing that word into your life as much as possible for the year. It’s a great alternative to New Year’s Resolutions that are often hard to achieve.

Coley’s Word – I love the one little word concept and start thinking of what my word will be around December. Some years, the word comes easily to me and other years, it takes a lot of thought to finally settle on a word. Last year, my word was gratitude. And that word was so good to me! I implemented that word into my daily life by listing 10 things I was grateful for each week. I focused on the positive in my life and tried to let the negative go. As silly as it sounds, that word and the way I implemented it into my life, helped me become a happier person. So choosing a word this year was difficult because it had big shoes to fill from last year. I wanted to keep focusing on the good things in life and try and get rid of the negative, anxious thoughts in my mind so I ended up choosing the words “Be positive.” I’m implementing this little phrase into my daily life by framing it in my office, printing it out to put in the front of my planner, among other things.

Leilani’s Word - One of my favorite things about a new year is choosing a new word. This year’s word is really two words – one being plan and the other is the best part of planning; to implement what you have planned. I’ve shortened my word to P.I. which obviously stands for plan and execute. Plans only come to fruition with action so this year I will make 2017 successful by planning my family time, time with God, friends, finances, and fun. With all that planning, I will implement those plans by taking actions to complete them. I encourage each of you to come up with a word for the year. It could be something as simple as focus, which was a word I used a previous year. Pause was one of my favorite words of the year because it helped me remember to stop, breathe, and remember who I am and where I’m going when life gets busy.

Do any of you choose a word for the year? If you’ve never heard of this concept until now, it’s not too late to choose a word! If you do choose a word, we’d love to hear what your word is. Drop by our Facebook page and tell us what your word is!

First published in the Founder's Corner section of the 1st quarter 2017 newsletter.

I'm having their Baby Defense Mechanism

A little over twelve years ago, I was in my mid twenties, single, scared out of my mind, and pregnant. For a myriad of different reasons that aren't the point of this post, I’d made the choice to place my baby for adoption. I had chosen a good family and things were falling into place logistically but they weren't in my heart. There is absolutely nothing natural about rubbing your own belly to calm your kicking baby knowing you’ll only spend a few short days with him (or her) before you hand him over to the woman he’ll call Mom. But, I needed a way to cope, a way to be strong enough, and follow through with what I felt was best at that time in my life.

So my defense mechanism became referring to Charlie, referring to my son, as “their baby.” “I’m having this baby for them. This is their son.” I’d tell myself that over and over. I’d use it in conversation with strangers. I’d even go as far as to say “I’m having this baby for friends” because at that point, they had become my friends so it wasn't totally a lie but it wasn't the truth either. I was in big time denial of the way I was about to feel. I was trying to detach myself from my baby. It was my way of coping and it continued until the day I gave birth four weeks early.

As I sat cross legged in a red t-shirt and watermelon boxers in the hospital bed holding a sweet four pound, six ounce little baby boy in my lap, I cried. He wasn't theirs. He was mine. I was his Mother. He was a part of me and he was absolutely beautiful.  I saw my nose in his, our complexions were similar. As I counted ten toes and ten tiny fingers, in that special moment many, many Mothers have with their babies, I realized that I’d just been telling myself he was theirs to make it easier on me. It didn't work. It was silly. I’d tried so hard to not bond with him but the bond I felt with him those moments was absolutely overwhelming and undeniable. I wish I’d fully experienced, accepted, and enjoyed that pregnancy as my own because sadly it will probably be my last full term pregnancy ever and I spent most of it pretending he wasn't mine.

I’m not the only birthmother I know who has told herself this – who used this defense mechanism to cope and make it through the difficult process of placing a child for adoption. Did you do this during your pregnancy? How do you feel about it now? 

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Forgiving Yourself

One adoption related issue that I still struggle with is forgiveness; particularly forgiving myself. Forgiving other people for what I felt they did or did not do wasn't always easy but it is something that I have been able to work through.  Where I struggle in terms of forgiveness though, is with forgiving myself.


What do I have to forgive myself for you might be wondering? Well, I have many guilty feelings about a variety of issues surrounding Charlie’s conception and subsequent adoption. I feel guilty for the mistakes that led up to Charlie’s conception. I feel guilty that I wasn’t in a position to my parent my son at that time in my life. (Let me clarify though, I don’t feel that Charlie was a mistake, just the actions that led to his conception.)

I looked up the word forgiveness in the dictionary, which took me to the word forgive and then gave me this definition.

Forgive: verb a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital for (forgive an insult) b: to grant relief from payment of (forgive a debt)2: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON (forgive one’s enemies)

I know I have to learn to forgive myself. I cannot beat myself up constantly for the mistakes that I have made, things I didn't do, or things I wish I would have done differently. I know those things are in the past, what’s done is done, and I can only learn from them and move forward. Unfortunately, life doesn’t have a rewind button where we can go back and fix our mistakes. (Boy, don’t you wish it did!)

To me, it just seems so much easier to forgive another person for something, than myself, but lately I have really been working to forgive myself. I start by praying and asking God for forgiveness but that was easy compared to the work I have to do within myself.

Recently, I wrote an apology letter to myself. It may seem a little hokey, but it really did help. I wrote a letter apologizing to myself for the things I feel like I let myself down on. I then, wrote myself a letter of forgiveness, forgiving myself for the things I felt I have done wrong. It really has helped me on the road to forgiving myself.

Anyone else out there struggle with forgiving yourself? What have you done in order to try and forgive yourself?

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Spotlight Blogger: Meet Coley

Coley reading with Noah on the left and Charlie, on the right

To a lot of us, Coley is a very familiar face.  She's a trusted friend to us and one of the founders of this wonderful website and subsequent community.  She has a blog called Coley's Corner, where she blogs about her crafts and her adventures as wife and mom to Noah, her parented son.  However, she doesn't use that forum to talk about the fact that she is in fact a birthmom.  She recently started a personal blog to talk about adoption and her role as a birthmother: Living the Bittersweet Life.  I wanted to interview her so that people would be able to know her even better and appreciate yet another facet of who she is.  Without further ado, my interview with Coley!


First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

I’m currently in my mid 30’s and live in the Carolinas. I’m raising my son, Noah, who has special needs and is currently 15 years old. I placed my son, Charlie, in an open adoption following his birth in 2001.

When and why did you begin blogging? 

I actually began blogging in 2005 as a paid blogger writing about open adoption and unplanned pregnancy. Soon after that I discovered I enjoyed blogging but wanted to write on a more personal level so I started a family blog. Earlier this year, I realized I needed to blog about my adoption and the issues and feelings I experience as a birthmother on a deeply personal level, so I decided to start a personal blog about adoption.

Tell us more about the title of your blog, "Living the Bittersweet Life.". Why did you choose it? 

One of my favorite words to describe being a birthmother in an open adoption is bittersweet. It’s sweet to be a part of his life but bitter at the same time because I’m not the one raising him so Living the Bittersweet Life seemed an appropriate title.

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?
 
Well, to be completely honest, there hasn’t been a whole lot of any kind of response because I haven’t given the blog URL out to many people yet. But the response I have had thus far has been positive and encouraging.

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time? Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why? 

My favorite post is probably Being a Birthmom is Bittersweet because it describes how I feel as a birthmother in an open adoption.

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog? 

Just do it! Don’t worry if you aren’t able to post everyday or if you don’t think you are the best writer in the world. Blogging and getting your emotions out can be healing and helpful so a blog can sometimes be more for the writer and the readers are just lucky to get a peek inside your heart.

Article/Story in Adoption Today Magazine

Recently I wrote my personal adoption story, which leads into the creation of BirthMom Buds, for Adoption Today magazine. I finally saw a copy of the article in the magazine last night and after posting about it on our Facebook page, many people wanted to read it so I thought the easiest thing to do would be to post it here since you can not read it on the magazine website without a subscription. 

At the age of 24, I left the health department and felt like a huge failure for the second time in my life because I was again single and pregnant. When I was 19 years old, I became pregnant and married my child’s father because I thought it would be the best thing for my child to have two parents living together. That child, Noah, was born in 1996 and was later diagnosed with cerebral palsy and epilepsy. His father and I had married for all the wrong reasons and the difficulty of parenting a child with special needs was more strain than our marriage could handle so we split up.

After sometime I began dating someone, but we realized we did not want the same things out of life and moved on. We had been intimate though and I thought I had nothing to worry about since I was on the Depo-Provera shot for birth control and it was practically fool Proof. Boy, was I surprised to discover I was pregnant! I immediately made an appointment with a gynecologist to find out how far along I was. I stared in disbelief at the screen as the ultrasound tech told me I was nearly five months pregnant. Because of all my complications with Noah’s pregnancy and birth I was automatically considered a high risk pregnancy.

I contacted my baby’s father and he was unsupportive. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I was overwhelmed, afraid and even a little bit in denial. I knew I had to accept reality and begin making plans for my unborn child soon. Parenting just did not seem like the best option to me at that time as I was struggling so much financially and emotionally in trying to put my life back together since splitting up with Noah’s father.

Just a few days after the ultrasound appointment, I was at the restaurant where I was a waitress when one of my regular couples, Sam and Alice, whose names have been changed to protect their privacy, came in for lunch and for some reason I mentioned that I was pregnant. They congratulated me and I explained that it was unplanned and that I was thinking of adoption. They then told me that their daughter was adopted in an open adoption arrangement. Alice gave me her phone number in case I wanted to know more about open adoption, pressuring me in no way whatsoever and probably thinking I’d never call. However, I called her a few nights later.

Alice explained to me how their daughter has always known that she was adopted and that she grew in another lady’s tummy. She also explained open adoption, which at that point, was a foreign concept to me. The idea of being able to place my baby in a stable two-parent Home, yet still maintain some form of contact, was appealing to me. I began to spend more time with them and I soon realized that this was what God intended for me to do. However, finding a good family and knowing that it was the answer for me didn’t make dealing with my choice any easier. Knowing that I would bring this baby into the world and then hand him over to another family was extremely hard to deal with. I was trying so hard to be strong and follow through with my adoption plan because deep down I knew it was for the best.

Our son Charlie entered the world four weeks early on Sept. 20, 2001 via an emergency c-section. He was healthy, yet small, and loved by both his birth family and adoptive family! I spent three days in the hospital with Charlie and then left the hospital empty handed and broken hearted. All throughout my pregnancy and as I left the hospital that day, I held onto the fact that Charlie would be doubly blessed. Not only would he have one family that loved him — he would have two!

Even though we had an open adoption, I still struggled emotionally after his birth. I was grieving for the child I willingly lost. I gave him something more and better than I could at that time in my life. I gave him two parents who were financially, physically and emotionally ready to parent a second child. Although I knew I made the right decision for Charlie, it was incredibly difficult those first few weeks alone. I felt as if no one else really understood the turmoil that was going on in my heart.

Sleepless one night, I turned on my computer and began typing different adoption related words into my search engine. I was desperately looking for someone to talk with who would understand my pain. I came across many websites for adoptive parents but few for birth parents. Finally, I stumbled across an “Is anyone out there post?” on an adoption forum written by another birth mother named Lani. I replied and we began chatting via email. Lani’s daughter was born and placed in an open adoption just four days before my Charlie, which just happened to be my birthday.

At first all we talked about was adoption — she understood what I was thinking before I could even get the words out of my mouth. Since our babies were the same age we were experiencing many of the same emotions and feelings at the same time. As time went on, our friendship strengthened and became about so much more than adoption; she is now truly my best friend. As we watched our birth children grow from a distance, our emotional pain began to lessen. We still had bad days and we had not forgotten our children, but were trying to move forward. We both knew we were making it through that grief because we had each other to lean on. We did not want others to have to go through all the searching that we did in order to find a friend who understood.

Based on that principle, together in February of 2003, Lani and I started BirthMom Buds, an organization and website for birth mothers and pregnant women considering adoption. We wanted birth mothers to have a safe haven to go to so they could find other birth mothers and discuss their feelings. We never dreamed BirthMom Buds would become the successful National organization that it has today. Our organization provides birth mothers with an outlet, a way to meet other birth mothers, a means to begin healing, and much more. Our members range from teens to women in their sixties who placed during the baby scoop era.

Through BirthMom Buds, I have had the pleasure of meeting and befriending so many amazing birth mothers. I’ve also enjoyed becoming active in the adoption community and have shared my story with others publicly. I have mentored expectant mothers considering adoption. The opportunities have been endlessly amazing and I never would have had any of these opportunities had I not walked this path.

Like any relationship, my relationship with Charlie’s adoptive family has had its ups and downs but we are still in contact and visit when our schedules allow it. Charlie knows who I am, that I am his birth mother, and he is proud of the fact that he has two mothers.

It is still hard sometimes but the good days outweigh the bad now. I have now learned the pain will never totally subside but I have allowed myself to move forward.

Today, I still believe that Charlie is doubly blessed, but I believe that my life has also been doubly blessed as well. Because of adoption, I have had the privilege and pleasure of getting to know many birth mothers who I now consider dear friends that I never would have had the opportunity to meet had I not chosen adoption.

Don't Keep Your Emotions Bottled Up

Do you allow yourself to express and experience the emotions you are feeling as a birthmother or do you try and hold them all inside?

There have been times in my life since becoming a birthmother when things are very overwhelming emotionally and sometimes instead of allowing myself to experience what I was feeling, I’d push it away. I would tell myself to be strong, thinking that crying and the other emotions I would be feeling pertaining to adoption were signs of weakness or perhaps even signs that I made the wrong decision. So, I’d hold all those emotions in and create a very unhealthy and destructive pattern. Then something would happen, and it could be tiniest little thing, and I would loose it, all those emotions would start rushing forward and flowing out of me like water from a dam.

Those breakdowns would end up being much worse than they would have been if I had dealt with the emotions as they came up initially. I have learned a lot about myself, my feelings, and how I process things since becoming a birthmother. I am learning that it is ok to experience the emotions and to release those emotions should it be crying, screaming, or laughing, depending on what I am feeling. Experiencing and releasing emotions is actually healthy!

So, my advice to fellow birthmothers out there is to let yourself feel! Don't keep your emotions all bottled up inside! Heck, we are women, aren’t we supposed to be emotional?

If you should become overwhelmed with your feelings, here are a few suggestions on how to deal with them.

1. Journal. I know I say this a lot but it really is a great release for many people.
2. Cry, yell, laugh – whatever release is appropriate at the moment.
3. Talk with a counselor or therapist if you have one.
4. Talk with a trusted friend or family member.

Emotions are healthy!

Do you keep your emotions bottled up or do you allow yourself to feel? How do you cope when you are feeling too much?

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Expectations

“You’re not what I expected.”

Someone who had never met me in person but knew I was a birthmother said this to me upon meeting me. I guess by their comment that they had some preconceived ideas of how a birthmother might appear or act and I’m also guessing by their comment that I didn’t meet their preconceived notion of a birthmother.

I jokingly asked if I was better or worse than what they expected and they responded with better. Perhaps they were expecting someone younger, like a teenager or perhaps they were expecting someone who is uneducated. Maybe they were expecting someone who wasn’t parenting a child or maybe someone who isn’t married. I really don’t know; I’m not really sure what they were expecting! But whatever it was, I wasn’t it.

One thing I learned quickly once becoming active in the birthmother and adoption community is that birthmothers come in all different shapes, sizes, races, ethnicities, backgrounds, levels of education, etc. We (birthmothers) have chosen adoption for different reasons and we have varying different types of adoption and thoughts and views on adoption. But there is that one common bond that draws us all together – our (birth) children.

There is no “look” or “age” that predicts who is going to choose adoption and become a birthmother. And we may or may not be what someone else is expecting when they think of the word birthmother. The truth of the matter is we each define ourselves instead of our choices defining us.

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Grief Worse at Night

Have you ever noticed if your grief is worse at night? For me personally, my grief has always seemed to be  worse at night. Night time always seems to be the time that I get upset and have my mini breakdowns. In the beginning, right after I placed my son for adoption they were frequent. Now, the bad nights only come every so often, like if a birthday or a holiday is coming up or just passed.

So, why are nights more difficult at times? I think that during the day it is easier to keep ourselves busy and that often we just get caught up in the everyday busyness of our lives. We have jobs, friends, family, possibly other children, school, etc. to keep us pretty busy and that doesn’t give us a whole lot of time to just sit and think about or deal with our grief.

But at night time when all is quiet and dark, the grief can creep back in, hit us hard, and is unescapable. Late at night, you typically can’t just pick up the phone and call a friend for support like you could during the day. You don’t have the same coping options at night as you during the day so that makes dealing with the grief more difficult.

What you do at night when the grief hits you hard and most of the world is in bed asleep? I have a few coping strategies I've developed over the years.

Sometimes I will just go ahead and cry. Giving in to your emotions is often better than holding them inside. tears are cleansing and sometimes I just feel better after a good cry.

Another coping mechanism for the rough nights is writing. I'll get up and write in my journal or my blog. Writing is another way to release the pent up emotions I may be feeling.

Lastly,  I'll visit our forums. They are open 24/7 so I go in there anytime I feel like it and often feel less alone just reading the words of other birthmothers even if they aren't identical to what I am experiencing at that moment.

What about you - is your grief worse at a certain time of the day? How do you cope?

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Expectations

"You're not what I expected....." 


Someone said this to me recently. They had never met me before but knew that they would be meeting me that day and they knew ahead of time that I am a birthmother. I guess by their comment that they had some preconceived ideas of how a birthmother might appear or act and I’m also guessing by their comment that I didn’t meet their preconceived notion of a birthmother.


I jokingly asked if I was better or worse than what they expected and they responded with better. Perhaps they were expecting someone younger, like a teenager or perhaps they were expecting someone who was uneducated. Maybe they were expecting someone who wasn’t parenting a child or maybe someone who isn’t married. I really don’t know; I’m not really sure what they were expecting! But whatever it was, I wasn’t it.


One thing I learned quickly once becoming active in the birthmother and adoption community is that birthmothers come in all different shapes, sizes, races, ethnicities, backgrounds, levels of education, etc. We (birthmothers) have chosen adoption for different reasons and we have varying different types of adoption and thoughts and views on adoption. But there is that one common bond that draws us all together – our (birth) children. 


There is no “look” or “age” that predicts who is going to choose adoption and become a birthmother. And we may or may not be what someone else is expecting when they think of the word birthmother. The truth of the matter is, we each define ourselves instead of our choices defining us. Being a birthmother is only a small part of who we are.




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The Past is the Past

Not long after writing my post on forgiving yourself a few weeks ago, I ran across the following quote:

"The past cannot be changed, edited, erased, or forgotten - it can only be accepted."

Wow! Isn’t that the truth? So often, I think we become too wrapped up in our past. Our past does shape our future; that is true. You probably wouldn’t be here reading a birthmother blog if it weren’t for placing your child which is something that happened in your past.  


But the past is just that – the past. No matter how much it hurts, how much regret we may have, how much we wish we could rewind and re-do the past, we can’t. We must live in the present. And I believe the best way to live in the present and move forward to the future is to accept the past for what it is. Accept the beauty of our past and accept the ugliness of our past. 


I’m not saying forget your child, forget what you have been through, or anything like that. I am simply saying that in order to move forward in life, in order to create a meaningful life, you have to accept that the past is the past. It is what it is.


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Writing your Child's Birth Story

Last week, I talked about writing letters to your child. Today, let's talk about writing your child's birth story. 


Many children like to hear their birth story. Noah (my son that I parent) still enjoys me telling him all about the day he was born. I tell him that he was impatient and arrived early because he couldn’t wait to see the world. I tell him about how his first cry reminded me of a kitten meowing. I also include age appropriate details about the pregnancy complications I had and the complications he had once he was born.


Considering that Noah enjoys hearing the details of the day he was born, it should have been no surprise to me that Charlie would want to hear these details as well.
Charlie’s adoptive Mom, A, told me awhile back that he had recently begun asking questions about the night he was born. He wanted to know all the details. Because we have an open adoption, she was present at the hospital (but not the operating room) when he was born so she was able to tell him as she could from point of view. She tells him about nervously waiting in the weighting room while I was having the c-section. She tells him about the first time she saw him, about staring at him through the nursery window, etc.


But Charlie’s adoptive Mom’s view of the night he was born is a bit different from mine version of the night he was born and I want Charlie to know both versions. He has begun asking me questions about the night he was born as well. He wants to know when I first saw him, how long I held him, etc. After answering his questions I decided that it might be a good idea to write down his birth story. I honestly wish that I had done this before now when the details may have been fresher in my mind. I do remember a lot of the details though and have recorded all that I remember in my own words in his life book.
No matter how old your child is or what type of adoption you may have, I want to encourage each of you to write down your child’s birth story. For some I know the details might not be as fresh, but still record what you can. If this isn’t something that you want to give your child at this time or your adoption doesn’t allow for that then, it’s something you could put up and save for them later in life. Even if you don’t share it with your child at any point in his or her life, you may find that writing your child’s birth story will be healing and therapeutic in some ways.


Where do you start writing your child’s birth story? Below are a few ideas to get you started.

• Write about where you were when you realized you were in labor, who you were with, etc. Or if you were induced write about how and why your doctor came to the decision that inducing you was necessary. Write about how you felt during all of this.
• Write about going to the hospital. What did you do to prepare? Who took you to the hospital? What happened once you got there? How did you feel?
• Write about how your labor progressed. Who was there at the hospital with you? How did you feel? How long were you in labor? If you had a c-section, how and why did the doctor come to the decision that a c-section was necessary? How did this make you feel?
• Write about the moment your child was born. Who was there with you? What did you think when you first laid eyes on your child? Did your child cry right away? What did others in the room with you do and say?
• Write the details of your baby such as weight, length, APGAR scores, etc. You could also include a physical decryption of your baby such as hair color, who he or she looked like, etc.
• If you spent time with your child in the hospital, write about that as well. What did you do with your baby? Did you sing him or her special songs or tell them how much you love them? Did you have visitors during the hospital stay? Those are all things you could include. 

I hope you’ll take the time to jot down your child’s birth story sometime. Getting it down on paper is something that he or she may appreciate one day. 


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Writing Letters to Your Child

Many birthmothers, even those in open adoptions, write letters to their placed child. Some birthmothers find it healing, therapeutic, and a way to connect with their child. Some birthmothers may write at the same time each month, such as the date their child was born while others may write only when and if they feel the need. Some may write on special occasions, such as birthdays and holidays. Some birthmothers may send the letter to their child right away while others may save it until their child is older and others may write and keep the letters in their journal.

There are also some birthmothers who may struggle with writing letters to their child. I admit that this can sometimes be a struggle for me, although I have managed to keep one letter writing tradition going on each year and that is the birthday letter tradition. When the son I parent turned one, I remember reflecting on how much had gone on in his first year of life. So I sat down and wrote a letter to him telling him about all of the things that had changed in that first year of his life, the battles we’d faced and overcome, etc... So on his second birthday, I decided to do it again, thus beginning a tradition.

When Charlie was born and his first birthday rolled around, it just seemed natural to sit down and compose a “birthday letter” for him and I have kept that tradition each year. I send his birthday letter to him each year in a special card, separate from what I give him when I spend time with him on his actual birthday. His Mom puts all the birthday letters up in his special keepsake box filled with things I have given him over the years.


Although, I’m not the best letter writer, I do enjoy sending cards. I try to send Charlie a card after visits and then I send cards for some of the smaller holidays (like Halloween or Valentine’s Day) with some stickers or candy inside. And sometimes I’ll just send cute cards that say “hi” or “thinking of you” for no real reason other than he was especially on my mind and heart that day. I’m much better with sending cards though than with writing longer letters.


Do you write letters to your child? Do you send/give them to your child, plan to save them for when he/she is older, or do you want them to remain private?

Along Came Today

“Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.”


I love this quote....  It explains how I often feel in the grieving and healing process that I go through as a birthmother. Do you feel that way sometimes?


I certainly know that I do. I have so many feelings regarding Charlie’s adoption and the subsequent loss of mothering him that came along with relinquishing my parental rights and then add in being the parent of a special needs child, dealing with infertility issues and those losses, plus other issues that we deal with in life and some days it seems like I will never be done working through issues!


And you know what, truthfully, I probably won’t. In twenty years, I may not be working through the exact same issues that I am working through today, but there will always be something. I will always be working through whatever is going on in my life as that is just who I am and the only way I really know to deal with things. I will always be trying to grow as a person, wife, mother, birthmother, etc. as long as I am on this earth.
But for me sometimes it seems as though I do all this inner grief work, get to where I think I need to be, come to terms with things, and just when I finally begin to feel ok with something, just as the quote says…. along comes today bringing more thoughts, feelings, and issues.


Grief, loss, and the issues surrounding them really are circular. I’m always thinking of them (maybe not as much on some days, more on others), always working through them, going past things, and then circling around and coming back to them.


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Everyday Conversations can be Difficult Too

While there are often comments that people say directly to us knowing that we are birthmothers that can sting or bother us, many times there are comments or situations that may hurt us as birthmothers that people are not intentionally directing towards us or even mean to be hurtful. No one tells you before you become a birthmother about the normal everyday conversations that may become difficult at times.


For example, J, a friend who is a birthmother was recently discussing a comment that someone made that that cut her to the core. The comment was not directed towards her and the person wasn’t intentionally being mean. She was just venting to some other ladies at church about some of the things that new mothers have to deal with, such as no sleep, getting up multiple times through out the night, the late night feedings, not being able to sleep for extended periods of times, etc. etc. and then ends the comment with a sigh and says that she guesses every new mother knows that and goes through that.


Those words hurt J she describes it as feeling like a knife was being drilled into her heart. You see, J is a new mother herself but she is a new birthmother. She doesn’t know exactly what a new mother goes through because she is missing it. Yes, she was missing all those not-so-fun things that every new mother deals with but she was missing so much more. She was missing all the firsts her new born was experiencing. She was missing snuggle time and so much more.


I know most birthmothers would have gladly given up sleep and comfort if they were parenting their babies. I certainly would have. It’s really hard to sometimes hear people talking like that, especially for new birthmothers. It can be hard hearing others discuss babies, motherhood, and even going to baby showers. It’s just another thing that we have to deal with as birthmothers.


What about you - have you had any difficult everyday conversational moments like I describe above? 


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Grief Will Not Win, I Will

"You can let the grief control you or you can control the grief." ~ Author Unknown

I love this quote. I came across it awhile back and wrote it down. I don’t remember exactly where I found it though.


In the beginning of being a birthmother, the grief controlled me. I think that’s only normal in the beginning of something life altering, like relinquishing a child. There were days that I thought the grief would win and take over my life. But slowly, I began to realize that I couldn’t go on like that forever. I had to take control of the grief. I’ve learned that I have a choice.


Each day, when I wake up, I have a choice. I can choose to get up, deal with the grief that comes to me that day, and do something with it and about it. Or I can choose to stay in my bed, have the biggest one person pity party in the world, and let the grief win.


That doesn’t mean that I don’t have days where the grief feels all consuming and I just want to stay in bed, pull the covers over my head, and hide from the world. Believe me, I do have days like that! And giving yourself permission to have one of those days every once in awhile is ok. And when it feels like the grief is going to win, I do something - like reach out to a fellow Birthmom Bud or journal. 


But most days, I get out of bed and push myself forward. I will not let the grief win! I will!


So, I ask you, which is it going to be today? Is the grief going to control you or will you control the grief?


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Unplanned Doesn’t Necessarily Equal Unwanted

Sometimes society views adopted children as unwanted or unloved because the birth mother made an adoption plan and “gave her baby away.” Sometimes it’s assumed that she didn’t want or love her child.

Do mothers who make adoption plans really not love their children or not want them? Of course not! Just because an expectant mother is considering adoption or actively making an adoption plan or because a birthmother made an adoption plan five, ten, or even thirty years ago does not make her baby unwanted or any less loved than the woman painting her nursery pink down the street.


I didn’t try to get pregnant with Charlie and I didn’t want to get pregnant at that time in my life which is why I was on birth control in the first place. But, the unthinkable happened and I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. Sure, there were times throughout the pregnancy that I thought why couldn’t this have happened a few years later when my life was in order and I was ready to parent but the circumstances were what they were at that moment in my life and wishful thinking wouldn’t change them. 


Although I didn’t want to be pregnant at that time, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t want and love my baby. I loved my baby with every piece of my heart. I spent many sleepless nights tossing and turning wondering what would be the best decision for my unborn baby. And once I decided to make an adoption plan, I chose the family, I asked them questions, and I got to know them over the duration of my pregnancy. I did all those things because I loved my baby. Once Charlie was born, I spent precious time with him telling him how much he was loved.


And now, even though it’s hard at times, I maintain an open adoption relationship with Charlie and his family. Just because he was placed for adoption doesn’t mean that he was unwanted or unloved.

The Valentine's Day Card Ordeal

Earlier this week I spent almost an entire hour in the kids’ section of the Valentine’s Day cards looking for a card that was appropriate to send to my birthson. I picked up after card growing more frustrated with each one. It seemed like every card said “son” or “grandson.” There were even cards saying “godson” and "nephew." If I wandered out of the kids’ section I found cards that didn’t use titles but they were more grown up and not very fun looking.

I know there are birthmoms whose children’s adoptive parents are perfectly fine with them sending a card that says “son” or “daughter.” I never thought to ask Charlie’s adoptive Mom about this in the earlier years of Charlie’s life and I worry that at an early age that type of card might have confused him and at nine years in it just seems odd to start sending those types of cards so I avoid ones that say “son.” Bottom of Form

Finally, I began to feel defeated and decided it was time to leave the store. I left totally frustrated. While I was pregnant and making an adoption plan, I never realized that something as simple as buying a greeting card would become such a complicated, emotional ordeal. 

My solution? Grab my crafting supplies and just make a personalized card!

Is shopping for a card an ordeal for you as well or are you able to find one that works quickly? 

Baby Showers and Birthmoms

Baby showers can be painful for some birthmothers, especially newer birthmothers, although I do know some older birthmothers who still get emotional at the thought of attending baby showers.

I think that baby showers are painful for birthmothers because they remind of us what we did not have and what we missed. Most of us who are now birthmothers did not have that celebratory baby shower that so many new mothers are thrown in the late months of pregnancy. It’s almost like the baby shower is a passage to motherhood and it’s one of those rights that we miss so going to baby showers can be difficult.

I attended a baby shower when my son was just a few months old. I should have politely skipped, but I forced myself to go. I busied myself by helping serve refreshments and made it through the shower but shed many tears later in the privacy of my own home. Nine years later, it’s much easier.

If you feel too emotional or you are not ready to attend a baby shower just yet, politely try to bow out. Most of the times friends and family will understand. Don’t sacrifice your emotional health just to be there for appearance sake.

If you don’t want to bow out or feel obligated to attend, try going a little bit early and then leaving once it starts to get crowded or go towards the end of the shower. This way you are still making an appearance but you can avoid some of the “oh’s” and “ah’s” and baby shower games.

If you have decided to attend a baby shower and you need a gift but just can’t handle the baby sections of stores, then opt to buy a gift card or instead of buying a gift for the baby, buy a gift for the mother. She’ll receive a ton of gifts for the baby so you could buy her something pampering (like bath gels, candles, gift certificate for a massage, fuzzy slippers, a robe, etc.) and attach a card reminding her to take time for herself.

If you attend a baby shower and begin to feel emotional, take a minute to yourself in the bathroom or another area where you can just have a moment to collect your thoughts, breathe, and regain your composure. I usually offer to assist with refreshments, cut cake, or some other kind of activity that will keep me busy for a bit.

Do baby showers bother you? Do you have any helpful tips on how to survive a baby shower? Please share!

Regrets

One question that I am asked most often by fellow birthmothers, expectant mothers considering adoption, and just about anyone who dares to ask it is if I regret my decision to place my son for adoption.

It seems like a simple yes or no answer, doesn’t it? But, for me at least, it’s a loaded question with a complex answer. I wish I had a simple yes or no but I don’t. I also think that the answer to that question is ever changing just as my feelings regarding adoption are ever changing.  If you had asked me that question when Charlie was one my answer would have been a solid no but now it’s much more complicated. The older Charlie gets and the more I learn about adoption seems to correlate with how my feelings regarding adoption change.

When I chose adoption for Charlie nine years ago, I thought I was doing the best thing for him at the time. I still know that I made the best decision that I could at that time in my life.  However, I do have some regrets. I regret not educating myself about adoption more. Some days, I regret not at least attempting to parent Charlie. And as silly as it may sound, I regret not giving Charlie a name of my own choosing. (I knew what the adoptive parents were intending to name him and just had that name, with my last name, put on his original birth certificate.)

But I do not regret getting pregnant with Charlie at all. Yes, I do regret the events and decisions that led up to my getting pregnant with him, but I don’t for a single second ever regret having that little boy in my life. Even with the pain involved with adoption, I’m still blessed to have him in my life.

There are some days that I feel like Charlie is exactly where he is supposed to be. Then there are other days that I’m regretful. Little did I know when I was pregnant with Charlie that by his second birthday I’d be married with a supportive husband and the means to provide for more children and by his fourth birthday his (adoptive) parents would be divorced.

But hindsight is twenty/twenty as they say. I didn’t know how my life would turn out. I only knew what was going on in my life at the time wasn’t conducive to parenting a second child. I know that I made the best decision I could at that point in my life and I don’t regret that.

I could sit here all day and say “what if….” or “I wish…” but that’s not very productive and it certainly will not change the past. So when I’m feeling regretful I try to reassure myself that I made the best decision that I could at that moment in time. I know what’s done is done and I can only try to heal from the past and move forward into the future.

How do you cope when you are feeling regretful?

Missing My Son

Every single day I think about my birthson. Not one day goes by that I don’t think of him but there are days that I think of him more than others and therefore miss his presence in my life more at certain times than others. Yes, we are in an open adoption, thus a part of each other’s lives but I do miss his daily presence in my life that would occur if I were parenting him. I doubt I’m alone in this.

Sometimes there are triggers for times that I miss him more such as birthdays and holidays but at other times there isn’t any special date and I just find myself missing him more than usual. Perhaps it is because I see a mother and son out in public that remind me of what could have been or perhaps I see something in the son I am parenting that reminds me of Charlie or perhaps nothing but my heart sets off missing him.

How do you get through this when you find that the feelings of missing your child are more intense than usual?

For me personally, my number one thing to do anytime I am feeling something strongly is to write about it. Sometimes I might do that here or in my personal blog bust mostly I write about him in my personal journal which is private and for my eyes only.  There sentence structure, content, and misspellings don’t matter; I just pour my feelings out.

Another thing that I do is talk about my feelings to whomever I choose to that day. Usually I feel most comfortable discussing that either with my husband or a friend who is also a birthmother or both.

Scrapbooking also serves as a healthy way to cope with missing Charlie for me.

None of this takes the place of an actual visit or a phone call, but it does help me cope.

What do you do when you are missing your child?