Thursday, July 4, 2013

Warning: Adoptees Ahead!

My birthmom friends are such an inspiration to me that since connecting with some of you in Charlotte in May, I realized how much I want that connection in my real life, in my own town. Although this is my first attempt at that connection, rest assured it won't be my last!

A few weeks ago, I found a local group through the American Adoption Congress and exchanged emails with the group coordinator for an "Adoption Support Group". I was excited at how fast she responded to my request to visit her group and how warm she came across.

That should have been my first clue something was wrong.

My first meeting was on a cool 90 degree evening at a bank building. Yep, you read that right. When I arrived there were already two ladies chatting in the parking lot, one older (much older) and one younger (much younger). They were friendly and immediately introduced themselves and included me in the conversation.

As we stood talking, an older gentleman also joined us, apparently one of the regulars.

After driving down the street to McDonald's and air conditioning, we started the actual meeting. Since meetings like this are usually confidential in nature, it felt odd to be in the middle of a public place, but I went with it.

The leader opened the group by saying, "If one more person tells me how fortunate I was to be taken into a loving adopted home, I think I'm going to throw up." She's 70. And an adoptee.

The man pipes up and says, "Yeah. Like it was luck that made my birthmom throw me away with no chance of ever finding her or connecting with her." He's 60. And an adoptee.

That was the beginning of 2 very long hours of listening to the three adoptees talk about their horrible lives of multiple marriages, drug use, and feelings of worthlessness. While very eye-opening for this birthmom, and yes, they did know about my birthmom status before the meeting started, it was hard. And sad. And it made me wonder about them and their lives. They all acted like if they could just meet their birthmom, everything would be ok. Like meeting her would change the years of poor decision making.

But in their decades of life, they have had choices. Decisions. Options. And they chose those things that were harmful and destructive. Would connecting with their birthmoms really change all of that?

Obviously I'm still processing this meeting. I would love your feedback, perspective, thoughts.

Photo credit

1 comment:

  1. This story made my jaw drop. I'm an adoptive mom, not a birth mom, and I just can't imagine how this experience made you feel. It's great that you recognized how skewed their perspective is, though. I want to learn what birth parents and adoptees go through, but to blame someone else for everything and take no responsibility rarely reflects an accurate view of reality. Hope you find a much better support group!