Movie reviews

Recently I have found myself becoming a lot more interested in the way adoption and birth mothers are portrayed in the media. For the most part it isn't that good. So as often as I can I try to find and watch as many movies as I can that have any link to adoption.

I have seen two movies that really stuck with me. Mother and Child and Philomena.

Mother and Child is a movie that involves three stories that intertwine. A birth mother who placed her daughter 37 years ago in a closed adoption, a woman who was adopted at birth and a young couple trying to adopt a baby. The stories are all interesting and for the most part I found that the characters were believable. It is easy to relate to most of them. There were moments however that I got a little lost and I felt like they went a weird direction with the characters. I would recommend this movie if you are ever bored and want something to do,  however I would not recommend going out of your way to see this movie. I did cry just to warn you but I am also a very sensitive person, especially about any kind of adoption story.

Philomena is an amazing movie. It is about a woman who was forced into placing her young son up for adoption. He was basically taken from her and 50 years later she decides that she wants to find out what happened to her son. I feel like talking about it just does not do it any justice. I cried through out the whole thing, just to warn you guys again, but I loved every minute of it. You feel her pain and you know where she is coming from. The feeling of just wanting to know that your child is okay. The actors do an amazing job showing the real raw emotion and the ugly side of closed adoptions. Did I also mention that this movie is a true story? It makes me want to cry just thinking about it! Philomena is a must see movie for anyone and it is definitely a must see for us birth moms!

For me watching movies about adoption helps me. It helps me to see other stories, even if they are not true. Birth mothers are not always painted in a positive light and so it is nice to see movies that paint a picture of the loving and caring birth mom and not the lady who abandoned her baby, because none of us are like that.  I hope that one day we can make our story known more and then adoption won't be as taboo to talk about.

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My Ultimate Frustration

So, it's November.  November, among other things, is national adoption month.  A friend of mine, who is a photographer, posted a list of twenty photos celebrating national adoption month.  Of those, about two were domestic adoptions that were the result of custody battles and divorces.  All the others were international adoptions.

Okay, before I get scolded, I have no problem with either kinds of adoption.  I agree that people who get divorced and then end up with blended families, should be able to adopt their step children.  I also agree that there are children in other countries who need homes and the opportunities that this country can provide.

That said, my frustration is mainly in that the adoptions we hear about the most are those that happen in blended families or international adoptions.  Adoptions like the ones that we know of?  I hear about them at birthmother support groups.  I hear about them on this blog.  I hear about them when I look really hard for them.  I hear about them when I share my story and people find the courage to speak up as well.  I don't hear about our stories on TV, on the news, in the movies, or in books.  Not most of them anyway.

So right now, I'm just frustrated.  I'm frustrated that our society is one that keeps us quiet.  I'm frustrated that people like us get painted as drug addicts, screw-ups, and women who abandoned their children.  At least this is what it feels like right now.  That's what I keep seeing.  And it's so incredibly frustrating to me right now.

What's worse is that this will be something that will have to change over time.  I know that the best idea is to remain patient and work as we go along.  We're only a few people.  And even as I write this, I feel like a bit a of a hypocrite because I am not open about my son on my own Facebook page due to various family that I don't want to know about happened.  How can I call for people to be open when I'm barely open myself?

Sorry all, just very frustrated this week.  Feel free to vent your own frustrations on here.  I know I've been frustrated about this for days now.

Good Drama

There's a show that was once on television called "Northern Exposure" about a tiny little quirky town
in Alaska.  During the run of the show, the character Shelly gets pregnant.  At her baby shower all the other women are talking about their horror stories and it freaks Shelly out.  So she goes for a walk in the woods and meets Mother Nature.  I said it was a quirky town, remember?  She, Mother Nature, Queen Victoria, and Medea have a big talk about motherhood and how it changes everything in a mother's life.  But Mother Nature makes a very good point.  She tells Shelly that the other women talk about the horror stories so much because "they make good drama.  I mean you never hear about the baby who just popped out."

After being pregnant, giving birth, placing my child for adoption, and then going out into the world to carefully tell my story, I found that people were surprised over and over again.  Most of them had never heard a "good" adoption story.  All they had ever heard were the bad ones.  The ones were there is a fight over the kid, or the kid tries to find his parents only to be rejected, or even just the plot line of the latest Lifetime made-for-TV movie.  Everyone was shocked by my story because it was a good one.  And it continues to be a good one.

At some point, a friend told me once again about how all they ever hear are the bad stories about adoption and that it was so rare to hear about the good ones.  I was badly confused because ever since I placed my child for adoption, I've only heard more and more good stories.  Then I remembered this quote: "they make good drama."  That's when I realized why so many have heard the bad stories, but very few of the good.  It's a very simple reason.  Those stories make good drama.  The stories like mine about the adoptive parents and the birthmother who always get along aren't good drama.  People in general see it as a good reason to still have faith in humanity.  But not much more.  And my story is not fodder for a made-for-TV movie the will have everyone biting their nails and wondering who should get the child.  There was no struggle, there was no last minute change of heart.  My son went from my arms to theirs and that was it.

I still go about and tell my story to many who are often surprised over and over again.  A few have heard good stories or were even part of a good story.  And those people are the best to meet.  But I find they are often few and far between.  Most everyone else has heard the bad stories, the horror stories, the ones that get passed around and around and are eventually accepted as the one and only truth.  Which isn't fair to the many many stories that are good.

I encourage everyone, if your story is good, please tell it.  You'll hear lots of people say how they heard about this terrible story or that.  But just be patient.  Some have just never heard the good stories.  Not their fault.  They're just not considered "good drama."  But that doesn't make them any less viable or any less important.

Movies, Movies, Movies

credit: www.coscampusonline.com

There are few movies that include depictions of birthmothers I've liked and which haven't left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Recently we watched "Admission" which, semi-spoiler alert, includes a birthmother storyline that I actually enjoyed. It wasn't a movie about being a birthmother, but I thought it was realistic, yet positive, and simple and almost nonchalant (something I'd like to see more often).

More positive media portrayals of average women who happen to also be birthmothers, I believe, would help shape the overall general view of women who place their children with adoptive families, and I was pleased with this particular example. What I could do without are characters like the birthmother in October Baby, a movie highly recommended by everyone I knew who saw it, yet which I really disliked. I'm not denying that there aren't very calloused, dramatic birthmothers who do much harm to families as well as to the reputation of other women who have chosen the path of adoption for their children. I know women like that. I've read stories like that.

But I feel that many people are aware of those stereotypes and could instead benefit from hearing and seeing something different, perhaps even more common: genuine, kind, real women who faced a difficult decision. Women they can relate to. I also know so many birth mothers who don't fit the lifestyle stereotype - the lost cause, hopeless, drug or party addict who may only barely finish high school - and I want others to realize that as well.

So, do you know of any movies with birthmother stories that you can recommend? Or that you would never recommend? Which movies have really struck a chord with you, good or bad?

What are your thoughts on movies like Admission, Juno or Mother and Child? How about October Baby?

Despicable Me 2

I know that animated movies aren't real. I mean, obviously the people aren't reals and the characters are just drawings voiced by someone else. We took our kids to see Despicable Me 2 last week and I really just have to write about it.

In the first movie, we meet Gru who is grumpy and irritable and an overall mean guy not to mention a villain. He adopts three sisters in order to gain access to another villain's home and stolen goods.

But then the good part happens. He falls in love with the girls. They steal his heart away and before he knows it he is no longer stealing things or focusing on his work for that matter. He takes them to an amusement park and even gets his face painted.

However, his old self still struggles for control and alas, he loses sight of what's really important and lets go of the girls in order to focus on his work.

In the new film, we see a totally changed man. Not only is he a devoted family man, but he has given up his life of crime for good. He has retrofitted his lab and retooled his minions to do good work. He has his priorities totally in order so much so that when a lucrative offer to go back to his previous life appears, he quickly flees the scene.

This film is the story of redemption. It shows us that we're never too old, too far gone or too mean to change. Sometimes we have to come to the end of ourselves in order to see ourselves clearly. For Gru, it happened after adopting three sisters.

Tell me, what's it going to take for you to come to the end of yourself? to realize you need a change? to take that first step in a new direction?

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Hard Love

One of my main goals for telling my story is to change the perception of adoption. Unfortunately, unplanned pregnancies happen. Why is the main stream so tied to Parenting vs Abortion? Why is there so much shame and stigma towards Adoption?

I believe I knew in the beginning, while still pregnant that I was not equipped to parent my son and provide for him as he deserved. But, I fell into the trap thinking that my choices were parent or abort to be accepted by those in my life. If I had an abortion no one had to know. And, well, if I parented then “I stepped up”.

I tried. God knows, I tried. I parented for 2 years, 6 months, and 5 days.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I felt confident that adoption was a viable option from the beginning. I believe the healing process would have been easier had the shame and guilt not hung over me like a cloud on a stormy day for so long.

We, as birthmothers, do not love our children any less. We, as birthmothers, are not looking for a way out from responsibility. This may sound a little self-righteous, but when people look at me in horror when I tell them about the adoption and say things like, “I could never GIVE my child away, I love him too much.” I want to answer back, “Maybe I loved my son MORE than you and that is why I did everything I had to, to make sure he had the best life possible.” It is not that I truly feel that way. I just cannot grasp why others believe that is what adoption is about.

I was excited when the movie Juno came out. Finally a movie about a birth mom. They did a good job, overall. But, I was angry. I was angry that they did not show an accurate portrayal of the roller-coaster this teen mom would go through. I had not heard of the movie that Natasha just reviewed, Like Dandelion Dust, but I'm disgusted with the portrayal of that movie as well. 

Adoption is HARD, but it also BEAUTIFUL. Adoption is not weak, it is BRAVE. Adoption is not selfish, it is SELFLESS. Adoption is not shameful, it is INSPIRING. Adoption is not indifference, it is LOVE. These are the key words that need to be used when discussing adoption.

No one wants to find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy. None of us want that for our children, family members or friends. But it happens. It will continue to happen. I wish everyone who found themselves in that situation immediately thought parenting or adoption. I may be pro-choice, but I do not believe anyone should feel that is their only choice if they are unable to parent.

I want to educate others to be pro-active regarding adoption. I want the media to build adoption up, not tear it down. I want us, as birth mothers, to be able to hold our head high, not be tempered by shame or guilt. We chose good things for our children. We planned more promising futures for our children. We should NEVER feel bad for that.  

Like Dandelion Dust Movie Review

Like the Dandelion Dust is based on a book written by an adoptive mother Karen Kingsbury.

The movie opens up with a scene involving intimate partner violence on a woman, Wendy Porter. Her husband Rip goes away to jail for abusing her, and while he is away Wendy finds out she is pregnant. Judging by the house alone, it seems like she does not have very much financial resources, living in a working class neighborhood. It is implied that Wendy relinquishes custody of her child while Rip is in jail.

A few years have passed and Rip gets out of jail and returns home to Wendy who tells him about the pregnancy and their son. Rip is devastated by the news and wants to obtain custody of their son. Legally, he is able to because he never signed relinquishing papers.

The adoptive parents, Jack and Molly Campbell, are disturbed by the news.  In the story, the social worker thinks it is best to ease the son Joey into the home of the Porters slowly. “The first visit they are friends, the second visit they are the other mommy and daddy and the final visit Joey will be told the truth” Seriously? I really hope no social worker in real life would think that lying to a child about where they came from would be a good idea. Someone please explain how that would be in the best interest of the child?

Overall, the movie perpetuates the fear that adoptions will go horribly wrong after the placement of the child, that the birth parents will come back to ‘steal’ the child away from the adoptive family. It also uses negative language towards first/birth parents including ‘giving away’. Birth parents whom make an adoption plan do not give away their babies. By saying that they do, it insinuates the lack of value they have for the child. Mothers/parents make adoption plans for their babies (unless the state gets involved and takes them away, but that is an entirely different story) because they are not able to parent for a variety of reasons.

The misrepresentation of birth mothers in films about adoption are insulting to the mothers/parents who make difficult decision for their families.

Like Dandelion Dust attempts to dig into the emotional aspects of having no control over the disruption of one’s family. After Joey has visited the Porters a couple of times and the Campbell’s are fighting to keep custody of them, Wendy acknowledges the pain of Joey’s other mother Molly, “Somebody’s got to lose, and it’s not going to be us this time… we are his parents and it’s right for him to be with us”.

And of course, there has to be a scene between the fathers physically fighting after Jack tries to use his monetary power to buy out Rip. This scene also shows Jack’s vulnerability in the situation.

At this point, when both parents have met each other, I start to wonder what open adoption would look like for these families. With an open adoption arrangement Joey could stay with the Campbell parents -- the parents whom he has grown up with -- while maintaining contact with the Porters. And the Porters would be able to feel comfort knowing Joey’s well being and stay in contact with him. At the very least, the filmmakers could have shown them discussing it.

In the end, Wendy finalizes the adoption with the Campbell family, knowing it is what would be best for Joey. Before they depart, Wendy tells Molly,“I want Joey to know he has two mothers, one who loves him so much she couldn't let go. And one that loves him so much she had to“.

The DVD of the movie had several additional interviews from the filmmakers and writers. The author of the book which the movie is based on, Karen Kingsbury’s message about what she hopes viewers will walk away from the movie made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. She wants people to be interested in adoption to support orphans from other countries or ’suddenly’ for the first time be invested in the idea to adopt their own child.

Mrs. Kingsbury also shared her own adoption story. She and her husband adopted three sons from Haiti. She said, ”God always answers the financial prayer - that is never the reason not to adopt”. Really? What about those parents who don’t have the financial resources to financially provide for their children, whom ultimately end up in orphanages? What happened to their financial prayers? How fortunate Mrs. Kingsbury is to be able to afford to adopt 3 boys in addition to the 3 biological kids she already has. It doesn't take much reading about adoptions from orphanages to learn that not all children in orphanages are truly orphans (whose parents are deceased). Mrs. Kingsbury gives us no light into the story of her Haitian sons’ first families or how they became orphans - a crucial part of their story is missing.

Mrs. Kingsbury also says that she thinks everyone should consider adoption, she of course means everyone should adopt a child or three, like she did, but she doesn't seem to show interest in where these children come from. “Everyone has a role in adoption”, while she clearly ignores the birth/first families of the children.

One of the film producers, Kevin Downs shared his adoption story in an interview in a DVD extra. He says his wife didn't care where it comes from, she just wanted a baby. And that he and his wife ‘rescued’ the babies from the orphanages. Upon hearing that I shook my head in frustration. I really wish that people interested in adopting children get out of the mental framework that children in orphanages need rescuing. By doing so, I think they are feeding into the supply and demand of keeping orphanages grim. Read more here Good Intentions Are Not Enough.

(cross posted from http://invisiblemothers.wordpress.com/)