Threads of Feeling

Recently my family traveled back in time to Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia. My daughter is studying that time period this year in history and we thought it would be fun to build a vacation around some history.

I can remember going there as a child and how other-worldly I remember it being. The costumed townspeople are all very well read as to their roles and the specifics of that time period. I learned so much!

Anyway, my daughter took a couple of classes at the Art Museum so one day we were in there and I was wandering around. I came across an exhibit entitled Threads of Feeling and, having no idea what I was in for, started looking around.

Inside the glass cases I found books full of scraps of fabric left as tokens and identifiers when moms left their children at this hospital or orphanage. In the 19 years the Foundling Hospital was up and running, it took in some 17,000 babies. About 11,000 of them died and 152 of them were eventually collected by their mothers.

The hospital got so busy at one point that when mothers came to the door with their babies, they had to reach their hand into a bag full of balls and draw out either a white or a black one to see if the baby would be allowed to stay. What about the babies that didn't get admitted? If the circumstances were so dire that the mother would take them to that place to begin with, how desperate were they? And what happened to them after being denied safe harbor?

This was a different time and while perhaps births to young women not yet married may have been low, there were obvious issues in caring for children. I wish I had been able to go on a tour and hear more of the backstory. Emotionally, this exhibit slapped me in the face. I was not prepared for what the exhibit was about or what I was going to see.

Always in my Heart, Always on my Mind

It's been awhile since I have posted but I have always wanted to write about something when I found something that was worth writing about. I have been in a "nothing is good enough for this blog" mind set. I wanted to write about something that others could relate to with me and it's just been one of those weeks I guess.

I have had a lot on my mind, just so much has been going on that I haven't really had time to sit down and think about E. I know that sounds really bad, because he should always be on my mind, but I feel like there is a place in my head that is trying to shut that off. Because I have spent almost 9 months trying to just stop thinking about him every second of everyday. I'm trying to cope and just trying to move past the point in my life of sadness and mourning. I have actually been doing a really good job of just staying focused on what I have going on at home. 

Ever since E was born and we actually decided on going with adoption, I have wanted to get his intials, his name, his birthday, SOMETHING about him tattooed on me. I wanted to have him be a part of me forever and I have been searching all over to find the perfect representation of him and his adoptive parents and myself. I wanted something that meant something, and I didn't want to get inked and then realize there was nothing I could do to change it if it was something that I didn't like or that didn't turn out the way that I had planned. And I really thought that fate had come along and tapped me on the shoulder when my sister-in-law informed me that she was having a tattoo party for her 24th birthday. So, I thought to myself, what the perfect opportunity to get what I want and start thinking more seriously about it. 

So, I did my search and came across the adoption symbol. And I went and did more searching and found the meaning behind the adoption symbol, and I just sat there in awe, and thought about it and it was the most perfect thing I could ever think of doing. Many of you are probably really familiar with the adoption symbol and know that the triangle part is made up of the birth parents (or just birth mom), adoptive parents, and the birth child, and the heart connects the triangle to show the love that each one has for the other. I found the perfect adoption symbol idea and I went in for the consult and I am waiting on Friday for it to get done. 

Here is what it will look like: 

Arching over the top of the tattoo it will say "Hope is", then an under-arch under the tattoo it will say "Easy", meaning that Hope is Ezra (Easy is Ezra's nickname), because he brought so much hope into our lives, all of our lives. and then on the left hand side of the triangle there will be a 6, in the middle of the heart and triangle where that space is there will be a 3, and then on the right hand side there will be a 10. 6.3.10. E's birth date. 

I wanted to make this tattoo be something that would always be there, that it would always at least once a day remind me to think of him and make sure that I never ever forget him (as if that would EVER be possible). I am getting it on my left inner wrist, because the vein that it is going on top of is the closest to my heart. 

I will be able to blog next week on how that experience goes, just thought I'd touch base here and let everyone know how I was doing. 


~ Alicia

Holiday Traditions

( as shared in the Founder's Corner Section of the December 2008 BirthMom Buds Bulletin)

Traditions are an important part of any holiday but it can be hard as a birthmother because your child will be participating in his/her adoptive family’s traditions and those may not be the same traditions that you have grown a custom to. But you can create some special traditions as a birthmother.
Coley’s Ornament Tradition
One tradition I’ve created for Charlie is to give him a special ornament each year at Christmas. I originally didn't plan on it becoming a tradition but it has turned out that way. 

When searching for something to give Charlie his first Christmas, I came across a really neat Precious Moments Christmas “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament that had a spot to write his name, birth date, weight, and length. I purchased the ornament and thought what a neat keepsake item it would be for him to have one day in the future.

The next Christmas it only seemed natural to give him another ornament, thus it has become a yearly tradition. I plan to continue this ornament tradition for years to come and when he is all grown up and leaves home, he will have years worth of ornaments to put on his own Christmas tree.
Lani’s Verse Tradition
I have always loved family traditions and thought it would be great to still have a part of that in my birth child’s life.  Since the time she was born I started a  neat tradition that I do periodically when I send her gifts. I have a special Bible verse (James 1:17, Every good and perfect gift comes from God.) that is kind of like my thoughts about her.

Over the years I have given her different things that have that special verse on it such as a blanket with the verse embroidered on it, a stuffed bunny with the verse embroidered on it, etc..  One day I hope that she will see the link in all these things and know that time, thought, and love was put into it.  

We both encourage each of you to find some sort of tradition that you can do over the years for your child. Even if you are in a closed adoption you could still do something and just save it for the day when you are reunited.

Holiday Traditions

Traditions are an important part of any holiday but it can be hard as a birthmother because your child will be participating in his/her adoptive family’s traditions and those may not be the same traditions that you have grown a custom to. But you can create some special traditions as a birthmother.

Coley’s Ornament Tradition

One tradition I’ve created for Charlie is to give him a special ornament each year at Christmas. I originally didn't plan on it becoming a tradition but it has turned out that way. 

When searching for something to give Charlie his first Christmas, I came across a really neat Precious Moments Christmas “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament that had a spot to write his name, birth date, weight, and length. I purchased the ornament and thought what a neat keepsake item it would be for him to have one day in the future.

The next Christmas it only seemed natural to give him another ornament, thus it has become a yearly tradition. I plan to continue this ornament tradition for years to come and when he is all grown up and leaves home, he will have years worth of ornaments to put on his own Christmas tree.

Lani's Verse Tradition

I have always loved family traditions and thought it would be great to still have a part of that in my birth child’s life.  Since the time she was born I started a  neat tradition that I do periodically when I send her gifts. I have a special Bible verse (James 1:17, Every good and perfect gift comes from God.) that is kind of like my thoughts about her.

Over the years I have given her different things that have that special verse on it such as a blanket with the verse embroidered on it, a stuffed bunny with the verse embroidered on it, etc..  One day I hope that she will see the link in all these things and know that time, thought, and love was put into it.   

We both encourage each of you to find some sort of tradition that you can do over the years for your child. Even if you are in a closed adoption you could still do something and just save it for the day when you are reunited.

Memory Box

When I got home from the hospital and unpacked, I ended up with bits of "C stuff" all over my room... a pacifier he used, his umbilical cord clip, the blanket and hat he wore at the hospital, various paperwork and documents, etc. For a few months, I was almost scared to touch any of this stuff, but stumbling across it unexpectedly brought up a ton of emotions.

After a couple months of this, I decided it was time to gather all these items into a single location. I got a really nice project box with a lid and handles (it's about 20"x20") and collected all these precious items together.

Here's a bit of what I've got in my "C Box":

hospital Birth Certificate

receiving blanket (complete with spit up... I've got it in a separate bag)

hat and shirt

pacifier and umbilical cord clip

my hospital bracelets

the card from the bassinet

the termination of rights paperwork

sonogram pictures

H&L's profile book

hospital discharge paperwork

ink footprints

hearing screening certificate

deflated balloons we received in the hospital

cards I was sent around the time of his birth

I've also added the church program from his baptism and a copy of the newsletter of an adoption group I go to that has a picture of us on it. I plan to add any memorabilia I collect over the years.

Having a "catch-all" kind of place for all things C-related is nice. I don't have to worry about misplacing things, and I always know right where it is if I need to spend a little time reminiscing over his tiny t-shirt. It also keeps me from happening upon these items on days I can't deal with them.

I will say, though, that putting the lid on the box was very difficult... it seemed somehow final, but I think it was a step in the healing process. It was a physical way of showing some level of acceptance. It's place in my seems somewhat representative of C's place in my life. Like the box, he's no longer always in the center of every thought... but he's always there. I know exactly where the memories are if I need to pull them out. I cleared out a special area in my room for the box, and C will always have a very special place in my heart.

The box is also a reminder that there is a piece of C's story that only I can share with him. I look forward to someday pulling out the box and going through its contents with C.

Do you keep some sort of memory box? What do you keep in it?

Hospital Memorabilia

Recently an expectant mother making an adoption plan asked me if she would be allowed to have the keepsake items from the hospital stay when her baby is born and I realized that this may be something other expectant mothers making adoption plans are wondering about too.

By keepsake items, I am referring to all the items from the hospital, like the little birth certificates with your baby’s footprints on it, hospital bracelet, the little hat, the hospital blanket, crib card, etc.

I’m sure older birthmothers from the closed adoption era were not allowed to have these items, but nowadays things are changing. You are allowed to have these items and it is YOUR choice then to decide if you want to share them with the adoptive parents. Nowadays, many hospitals will even make duplicate copies of the birth certificate with footprints if you ask them to.

A lot of birthmothers do keep these items. I did and they are all safe in my “Charlie box” which is full of various things related to Charlie and our adoption. I don’t look at these things often, as it brings up a lot of emotions and tears but knowing that I have them, knowing where they are, and knowing that I could look at them anytime I want to is comforting to me.

One last piece of advice regarding this subject, the hospital experience is such an emotional and overwhelming time, that it might be wise to ask someone you trust (like your support person) to make sure you leave with the keepsake items that you want.

Photo Credit: Coley

Greeting Cards

A couple months ago, I noticed that I often had the urge to tell C something. "I love you" or "I miss you" or "You're really just TOO cute!" Since I don't have the everyday option of snuggling him and telling him these things, I came up with another plan.

I scoured the $.99 card aisle at my local Target for cute, kid-friendly cards in themes like "missing you", "thinking of you", "love you"... or just blank notecards. I also got a nice box that was made for DVDs... which happen to be about the same size as standard gift cards.

Now, when I have those feelings, I grab a card from my bookshelf. The notes have ranged from serious to silly, depending on what I'm feeling at the time. It offers me an outlet to let out whatever emotion is welling up inside me, and it will provide C with some tangible evidence of just how often I think of him! It also keeps me from having to remember all the little things I want to share with him at some point... I know they are all written down and available to him when he's ready.

I put a date on the outside of the card and mark any special occasion it relates to. I also keep notes of dates that contain sensitive information. That way, if he's still pretty young and needs some evidence that I love him and think about him a lot, I can pull out any that might be inappropriate for his age and let him open all the cutesey ones. There are also a few that I think would be great to give him on special days later- his baptism, graduation, etc. I'm sure I'll write a new card then, too, but I hope this will be something special to share!

Do you have anything special you do to let your children know you're thinking about them?