The Power of a Support System

When I found out I was pregnant, my mom and dad were shocked, angry, and sad.  They could not believe that someone who was raised the way I was could be pregnant without being married.  My parents are liberals, but still traditional in the way that a man and woman shouldn't live together before getting married, let alone get pregnant.

But I was.

I was 6 weeks along when I found out but waited till I was 9 weeks to tell my parents.  I was terrified and disappointed in myself, that I had acted so dumb and not more careful.  I cried and cried when I told them, so did they.  The next day, my mom told me she would support any decision I made, keeping Noah or placing him.  This was everything to me.

Making such a difficult decision and surviving it would have been impossible without having my family's support.  I know there are so many women who place that have to go through this journey alone and it pains me to see what they go through.

I am very blessed, my family eagerly waits for updates like I do, we even share an iCloud album with Noah's adoptive mom so they get them the same time I do.  I think this is going is just going to reaffirm Noah of how much he is loved down the road.  He has so many people who love him.

 

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Preparing for a Visit

My open adoption is incredibly open. I never knew exactly how it would all play out, but it quickly evolved into a very open relationship with a great deal of active involvement. Currently I am blessed to see my son every other month. I will be leaving for my visit this month, so I thought it was a good time to reflect on some of those feelings and emotions that arise when getting ready for a visit, during, and following.

In the days and weeks leading up to a visit I am incredibly excited. There is nowhere I would rather be, so knowing I have that opportunity coming is so great! I am always anxious counting down the days and begin planning and packing days before! I'm so blessed that my family also has the chance to visit, so I keep myself busy preparing with my girls for a long trip.

There are also some nerves that arise when thinking about visiting. It often depends on things surrounding the visit, such as my own emotions in life, or the adoptive parents recent behavior. I often fear that things will be different this visit, or he won't be excited to see me. Thankfully, I have not yet experienced this in our five years of visits. Our relationship has continued to grow and be one that brings so much joy to us both. I pray this will always be the case. I often worry about my girls and how my son will react to them. I don't want their feelings to be hurt if he doesn't seem interested or is too busy playing to focus on them. Again, this has not been the case, but as a mother to all these beautiful children, the worry is still there. Despite these worries my heart is so overjoyed knowing I will be together with my baby again. It is the only opportunity I have to feel my heart at its fullest. When we are visiting Aidan I have all of my children in one place around me and my heart is full!

My husband, my parents, or my other family members have all told me they can see a difference. Not that I am sad all the time in my daily life or anything to that extreme, but the fullness of my heart just radiates from me. I know it because I can feel it and others have seen it. I can also see a difference in my girls. They are always happy children and don't struggle in daily life, but when they are with their "bubba" I see a new spark within them. They all run and play together as if they have never spent a day apart. They laugh and hug and love each other as any mother would wish for her children.

These moments are life giving. They bring so much joy to my family, and do wonders for my heart. My spirit is always lifted and I feel like I can do anything. It is a feeling like no other! I have often wondered if this feeling is unique to the birthmom experience or if mothers who parent each child feel this way all the time? If so, I hope they treasure it! I believe in many ways that this is just another gift given to us birth mothers, for we have known such a great loss, we have the gift of feeling joy and love more fully.

After a visit there are many tears shed as I have to leave, yet again. It hurts to again be left with that empty place in my heart, but it is worth it. I would never give up the opportunity to spend even a minute with
My son, even if I knew I would cry thousands of tears as I leave. We are all sad to leave, my girls, my husband, my parents, but we are all so happy for the time we have shared. Each moment we build priceless memories, and they help carry us through until our next visit. These times give me the opportunity to see the amazing life that I brought into the world, and to treasure the place I have been given in his life. My heart is happy as I anticipate this weekend and the joys my son brings to the world each day! 

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The Power of Family

Each one of us has a very different story and different people who share in our journey or may have chosen to take leave from our lives because of it. While my particular story may not speak directly to everyone, I think we can relate to the importance of those around us; either because we experienced their love and support or because we did not.

 I have been blessed by an amazing outpouring of love and support from my family throughout this entire journey. I know for some this is not the case. I cannot imagine how difficult that can make an already difficult decision, followed with years of silent suffering. For those of you who do not have the support of family, I pray there is someone there that is your support when you need someone to lean on. If you don't then my door is always open to you. It makes such a difference having people around you who fully accept your story and know your pain.

My pregnancy and decision to place my son for adoption were filled with so many emotions. I was constantly up and down, I was angry when I didn't know what to do. I was sad and scared when I thought of what was to come and what I would have to do. Each and every moment was draining. I have never experienced so many emotions, along with the physical struggles I faced. It seemed, at times, that there was no way I could continue this journey. As a teenager, I was already difficult to deal with. I had an attitude and felt I always knew what was best and I never wanted the opinion of others. The difficult decision I was making only made it all worse. My family was facing their own struggles during this time as they discerned how best to help me. I know it was not easy for them either, and I did my best to make it even harder. Looking back I can't even explain everything that happened or what all I felt. I struggled through those months, I kicked and screamed my way through each decision, desperately trying to find a way that I could be the parent my son deserved.

Through it all my family was right there by my side, even when I wanted nothing less. They refused to let me go through it all alone. When my health worsened they all stepped it up even more. I had no choice in what was happening to me at that point in it all, but they all had a choice, and they chose me. They chose Aidan. I owe my family everything. Their love and support is what got me through each and every moment, even when I didn't know it. Their encouragement is what has made me who I am. It made me a strong person with a will that does not give up, even when giving up is all I want to do. To this day they are my support system. Since the birth of my son I have gained more people into my support system, but the power of my family remains strong. They love Aidan. They accept him and me and our journey. They remind me of my sacrifice and the great decision that I made. They show me my strength and love me when I do not feel strong. While they cannot take away any of the pain, they do their best to help ease it.

I know how blessed I am to have such an amazing support system behind me, beside me, or beneath me when I need to be carried. So many others are not as lucky. I have talked with so many birth moms whose family's do not accept their decision, or acknowledge their child. For all of you, I am deeply sorry. Reach out to someone. I may not know your story, but you know mine. I am always willing to listen. I have known the support, and seen the struggle of others who are lacking it. I have the opportunity to share my story with you, feel free to share with me as well! Stay strong!

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The Bigger Picture

Today I was in class and with the severe amount of rain we have been getting we seem to be going stir crazy, locked in our classroom all day.  So, I tried to find things for them to do to keep occupied and one of the activities actually used the rain to our advantage.  We made rain Kool-Aid water color.  It was so awesome to see their little faces light up each time a rain drop hit the Styrofoam cup and mix together to make a blood red.  As we took the paint inside we sat at a prepared table that had blue paper rolled out and taped so that we didn't paint the table.  They got paintbrushes and went to town painting.  Everyone talking among themselves about what they were creating.   However, an objective we haven't quite mastered yet is how to paint.  They tend to paint the same spot over and over again, resulting in the paper tearing.  So I told them paint a 'big picture', spread it all over and use all the space so that it doesn't tear in that one spot.  My choice in words hit me...the big picture.  Where was mine?

M told me before I gave birth to Mini M that there was a bigger picture than the moment we stood in.  Sure, it hurts now, but years later it will make sense.  I created a list that told about my future big picture soon after placement, but I began to forget about it all when things got more challenging.  Until now.  She's right, there is a big picture.  Much like my five year old's, if we paint in the same spot, or continue to live the same moments over and over and not venture out, we will tear and breakdown.  So, for the sake of staying together and continuing to be one, I will look at the big picture.  I will look at the need in the world and all the good that I can do because of my situation.  I will see that Mini M is where she needs to be because she will forever and always have what she deserves and desires.  I will look at the relationships formed because of this adoption.

If you are ever in a situation and you know you are about to rip or feel yourself slipping, change spots.  Spread that out and make it a bigger picture.  You have your entire life not just that second.  Use it all.