Running Away

I feel like running away sometimes. Can anyone relate? It is all just too much... everything in my world seems to be shifting and out of control. While I don't consider myself to be a control freak, I crave routine. I love routine. I am routine. Which causes it's own issues. But that's not where I'm going here.

I am blessed to have a very hardworking husband. And I am thankful for his job. And I mean it. His job has taken him to California almost weekly since about August. And this week I just had enough. He comes home Friday night exhausted, we try and cram all kinds of family stuff and church stuff and home responsibilities into one 48-hour period, and then he's gone again.
Can I get a witness? This is hard stuff.

So this week when he got home I told him I wanted to run away. Even with the responsibilities of children at home, I was teetering on the edge of packing up and bolting. 

I'm glad to say that while the urge did not pass on its own, I was able to help it along. Not matter your home situation, if you feel like running away, these are the things that helped me keep moving forward instead of skipping out:

• Routine. This is very important to me and on my own with the children, homeschooling and all of out other responsibilities, I have to find a way to manage it all. So I figured out a routine that includes time to and for myself.
• Take care of you. Of course I love my girls. But after pouring out to them all day, I'm tired. I've been much firmer on my boundaries without daddy around. They go to bed at a certain time and stay there. I am up front with them that mommy needs time alone. For me, this also includes exercise, so I build that into my daily/weekly schedule.
• Bookshelf your time. As an introvert, I require more alone time than many people. So I have structured my days to include time alone at the beginning and the end of each day. Knowing I will have that time helps me get through the rough patches.
• Plan a getaway. While I'm not able to run away right now, planning our next family time away helps me mentally. And in the meantime when my husband is home, I find ways to be out on my own for a few hours.

I know the particulars of our lives may look different, but we all get stuck and we all need time away. Running away when we feel like it probably is not the best answer, but getting the mental space we need sure helps.

Photo credit

A Tale of Two Pregnancies

For quite a while now, this thought has been bouncing around my head. It's true we don't always get to see the immediate impact and results of our choices, but eventually we do. Eventually for some of our choices we get a glimpse of the bigger picture.

This post is a tale of two pregnancies. My dad passed away about 10 years ago and my mother has since remarried. I did not know her new husband while I was growing up nor did I know his daughters. But while I was having an unplanned pregnancy, one of his daughters was having one, too. The circumstances were different as were our ages and many other variables, which I think is important to note. But we were both unmarried and unexpectedly pregnant.

Our families took radically different approaches on how they handled the crisis. Darcy was an adult, but her family moved her into their home, took care of her, and supported her in every way while she continued her pregnancy, gave birth and parented her child. My family moved me to a maternity home, kept their distance, and waited for me to deliver so they could bring me home and forget it ever happened.

Fast forward 27 years. I placed my child with an adoptive family and they divorced. My birthdaughter dropped out of college, got married, got divorced, dropped back into college and got her degree. She married again and has a child of her own. She is a successful actuary, they bought their first home this year, and seem to be happy.

Darcy's child experienced her second unplanned pregnancy this year with her second baby daddy. She was about to finish nursing school but flunked out. She is still being supported in every way, including financially, by her mother and extended family members. She has moved in with her boyfriend who has children of his own.

I know this isn't a fair comparison and I won't try to convince you that it is. There are so many differences in these two stories that it's like comparing apples to oranges. But this is my true family story. And while I made the hard choice and did what I thought was the absolute best I could do for my child, I have been put down, called names and ignored by the ones who say they love me, including my own mother. Darcy's child can do no wrong, is the apple of everyone's eye and gets overwhelming support even with her poor choices, even from my own mother.

Life isn't fair. It just isn't. There are days I would love to cut off any kind of relationship with my mom and other family members. But that is not what the God of the Bible has called me to do. He has called me to love those who hate me, to love those who hurt me. And what is love you ask? Love is patient and kind, it does not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Image credit

Adoption's Impact

Most of you know by now that my adoption was closed a million years ago. And at Christmas and other holiday times, I feel an emptiness or like something is missing rather than sadness. Since we have never shared any holidays together, I don't have those kinds of memories. You might say that my loss is rather undefined. A strange place to be.

This year for the first time I am acknowledging another rather undefined loss: the birth of my grandson. Now he's actually 4 this year, so it's not a brand new thing. But for some reason this is the year it is really hitting me. My birthdaughter Katie did not invite me into her pregnancy or delivery. I didn't actually find out about Little Man until he was about a year old. At that time I was juggling two babies of my own. Maybe that is the reason for the delayed response.

But this year I am experiencing the profundity of it. The enormity of the impact one decision made in secret can have. For me the decision to carry my unplanned pregnancy seemed huge at the time, and it was. In spite of my mother's wishes, I decided to remain pregnant with no plan.

The decision not to parent was the next big decision, although the obvious right choice for me and my girl.

But now... seeing a bigger part of the picture is overwhelming at times. Realizing that even though I made a mess of things, the Lord has redeemed it and used it for good. Seeing for the first time that my decision stretches far beyond myself and my child and her adoptive family. Seeing that my decision will impact generations.

Only God has the perspective and can see the full impact one life can have. He alone sees all the generations not in existence because of one abortion. And he alone sees all the generations in existence because of one adoption.

Be encouraged this Christmas. No matter your circumstances, you have given a great gift to this world. God sees you and knows your pain and your sacrifice. Trust him to get you through.

Photo credit

Thankful during the Holidays

Oh the holidays!

I don't know about you, but I have much to be thankful for this year. I may have mentioned our family's time of trial earlier this year. My husband broke his hip and the day after the BMB Retreat, he had it replaced. Now that is a surgery for old people. In fact his mother fell and broke her hip a few years ago and had it replaced. But we are not grandparents!

I digress... This year has certainly been hard. Instead of two children to care for, I've had three. Instead of giving two baths each day, I've given three. And my normally self-sufficient husband was not able to drive himself to and from work for a while. For those of you who are married, you know that husbands are the worst patients!

However some how along the way, our relationship changed. We became closer. He began trusting me more, which was his issue, not mine. We began to communicate in a whole new way because we had to. And along the way we experienced a journey that is uniquely ours and our girls'.

So what's my point here? Well, struggle stretches us and grows us and changes us. It's hard and we often don't want to do what is required. I don't know how many times during that period that I asked God to pleeeaaasssee return me to my life of ease. I know he was just laughing. But we're on the other side and the benefits of that short period will last us a lifetime.

What trial are you facing today? I promise if you will walk through it you will reap the rewards.

Photo credit

Fighting Fear with Peace

Oh girls, I have really been fighting fear lately. I mean on a level I have not experienced before. All the ebola and other sickness news has had me awake at night and on the edge of my seat by day. Sunday morning my pastor opened the service by saying he knew there was fear all around us. And he knows that many of us are really struggling. But that the God of the Bible is not afraid and not caught unprepared. As children of God, we needed to make a decision. Were we really going to put our faith into action? or were we going to let our fear consume us and dominate our lives?

I needed that challenge. I so want to be a true follower of Jesus even though it's completely counter-cultural. So the next day was Monday and I sent both of my kids to their Monday co-op despite Peanut's headache. I spent the day talking to the Lord, telling him the truth about my fears and even crying a little bit. It wasn't so much a goal of 'feeling better', I just knew that drawing closer to God would give me peace.

And so it was. Peanut's headache turned into full-blown vomiting that was still raging out of control 24 hours later. I opened a notice that said our life insurance had been canceled. And with family vacation looming on the horizon and laundry piled sky-high, I was at perfect peace. Like crazy peace. Like as still as the surface of a lake in the early morning peace.

In this crazy life, the only place to find peace is in the Lord. There is nothing else. No pill. No bottle. No sport or tv show can compare. If you don't have this peace, message me. I'd love to talk with you about it.




Photo credit

The Lie of Irrelevancy

Recently I attended a conference of sorts that was looking for ways to reach the younger generation, specifically those in their 20s. Now the organizers, attenders and most speakers were in their 60s so the generation gap is noticeable.

My situation is that I'm not 60. And I'm not 20. I'm somewhere in between. Yet the conference organizers were not focusing on reaching ME. They were focusing on reaching those younger than me. Much much younger.

Because of the way my brain works, it took me a couple days to sort out all the information I had heard and been bombarded with. And it left me feeling irrelevant. As in unimportant. Such a yucky word. And so deflating for someone who walks everyday in her purpose.

But my friend was quick to come alongside me and remind me that that lie of irrelevancy was straight from the pit of hell. We all matter. We are all important to God. And we all have a specific plan and purpose for our lives. Just because I'm not 60 or 20 does not take me out of the game.

Are you feeling irrelevant today? Is something making you feel that you don't matter? or that you are not important? It's a lie. Don't fall for it.

Photo credit

Be Who You Are

I feel like I write about this all the time, but I promise I looked back to make sure. It doesn't look like I've written anything like this for a couple months at least! 

It probably feels that way because God is always teaching me, and I think this is one of the Big Lessons for my year: Be who I am. 

Just like you, I am special and unique and created for a purpose. God knew what he was doing when he made me stubborn and introverted and all the other sometimes-annoying qualities about me. I am who I am and this has been a year of resting in that. Now that's not to say that I'm always growing and trying to be a better version of myself, but there are just some things about me that I cannot change.

Take my age for example. I am aging and trying to come to terms with it. Last week I went to a different dance class than I normally attend and was pleased to see a brand new instructor. She and I had attended class together many times, but now she would be teaching! I figured she would be good and I was right.

In the middle of class, about the time I think the instructor is trying to kill me, it suddenly occurred to me what was happening. I was following her and doing what she said instead of doing my own workout. In any kind of aerobic exercise there is a wide range in which to operate. I push myself as much as I can while also listening to my body. Well I was not doing that. I was doing her workout. And it was too much!

It's sometimes mentally hard for me to realize I just can't jump around as much as I used to. But the more important issue here is that I continue to exercise and take care of my body. It is not reasonable for me to try and keep up with someone who is half my age. Some ladies can do it, but I am not one of them.

In your life, remember that you are who you are. Rest in the fact that God knew what he was doing when he made you a particular way. Don't wear yourself out constantly trying to be someone else or something you're not. It's ok to be you. You are the only one like you.

Photo credit

Be flexible!

I have heard this expression more times than I care to count. Whenever I'm in a tight spot or a stressful situation, invariably someone will remind me to be flexible. Many times my immediate reaction is to tell them to shut up. But other times it helps.

So what does it mean to be flexible? The dictionary defines it as capable of being bent, usually without breaking; adaptable; pliable. It's easy to think about this description as it relates to a ruler, let's say, or even the latest iPhone. But how exactly does it apply to me?

Well recently we were on a Family Road Trip, which if  you know anything about me, you know I just love. But things weren't going according to plan. (It's funny how even on a 'vacation' or 'time away' we still have expectations, isn't it?) Anyway, at the moment we were sitting on the interstate not moving, the thought popped into my head to 'be flexible'. Ugh! I wanted that voice to keep quiet! But since I had nothing other to do than to be still and think, I asked myself (quietly of course) what does it mean to be flexible in this situation?

It was then that I came up with my own definition. Ready? Here it is. To be flexible means to stop holding on so tightly to what I want or think I want. Ha! How does that feel? Yep, it was a little startling to me too. But as soon as I relaxed my grip on the plan I had in my head, I was able to stop stressing over the fact we weren't moving and start enjoying the beauty of the mountains all around me.

Try it today. Take one thing you are hanging onto tightly and relax your grip just a little. You may be surprised as what happens.

Photo credit

Community

I've been reminded once again how God puts all kinds of people in our lives if we will allow it. I was with a friend yesterday, someone with whom I have built a relationship for years and years. In fact, it's hard for me to pinpoint exactly a time when she wasn't in my life!

But I do remember the way we met. She was a graduate student in marriage and family therapy. I was working as the client care director at a pregnancy center. She wanted to come and intern with me in order to get her clinical hours to graduate. I wasn't the least bit interested in investing in her. And truth be told, she wasn't that interested in the pregnancy center as a placement site.

In the end, though, we each accepted the challenge. And here we are ten? twelve years later? Still friends, we both have children of our own and we're both homeschooling. We actually have some important things in common even though our backgrounds are vastly different.

Kind of reminds me of the BirthMom Buds community. There is no way I would have the pleasure of knowing so many of you were it not for this group. Some of us are so different from each other  that we would never cross paths. Yet, here we are bonded together by a common experience. And I'm so thankful to have this group that knows what it's like. You guys get something about me that no one else on the planet can understand. And for that, I am thankful.

Photo credit

To Claim or Not to Claim?

One of the things I hear consistently across different chatrooms and blogs is whether, when, and/or how to claim our birthchildren. This is definitely something I have struggled with over the  years. I can remember being at one church many years ago on Mother's Day. The pastor asked all the mothers to stand up and I did. Be it out of defiance or whatever, I stood up with those other ladies and was recognized for being a mother.

Fast forward a couple of decades. Now I have children I parent, a birth child, and a birth grandchild. And I am still trying in some ways to make sense of it all. So last week I did something I've never done before. I claimed it all. And it felt right.

In a brand new Bible study group of 11 women, I introduced myself as a wife, birthmother of one, homeschooling mommy of two and grandmother of one. It felt weird but right as if I had in some way just told the truth for the very first time. I'm sure no one else in the room had any idea what a monumental moment that was for me.

The only noticeable reaction I got was from the leader who was absolutely sure I was not old enough to be a grandmother because she herself was not a grandmother yet. But jealousy aside, the moment passed and now it's out there. Will those ladies remember that about me next week? Maybe not. But I didn't do it for them. I did it for me.

Photo credit

Extending Grace

Sometimes I do things that are really stupid. Anyone with me? Just the other day I was running errands early one morning. My family was still asleep at home and I was getting caught up after being away. I went to a store and saw someone I knew there. I'll call her Bobbie Jo because I'm feeling silly today. Anyway, I spotted Bobbie Jo nearby. My first response was a smile and a "hello!"

But when I thought again I started thinking of the way she treated me the last time I saw her. She was rude. She acted like I was invisible. So what did I do? Well I ignored her of course! Because that's the grown-up thing to do.

Fast forward ten minutes and I see her at the next store I go to. What did I do? Did I say "hello!"? Did I act like a grown-up given a second chance? No way! I continued acting like a child and completely ignored her.

Now I seriously doubt Bobbie Jo saw me at either of those two places. And even if she did it's not important. I can't control her. But I sure can control me. And I'm ashamed to say that I did not take the high road and I did not offer her grace. I ignored her and instead of building a bridge I built nothing.

I know women are hard to deal with. But we need each other. This body of birthmoms needs each other. Let's extend grace to each other even if we have received snark in return. Let's smile and hug each other even if our last meeting was not friendly. We are all in this together and whether we like it or not, we are who we are stuck with.

Pep talk done! Next time I will smile and try my best to be a grown-up.

Photo credit

Facing my fear

Hello ladies. This week I'd like to take a break from our talk about boundaries and go a different direction. Something so much easier. Or not.

A recent phone call from a dear friend brought me to my knees again. Her and her boyfriend had had another knock-down-drag-out sort of fight. While he's never been abusive, their relationship has always been super-intense. Know what I mean? Things are either super great or going to hell. It's a total crapshoot.

Anyway, I got a call from her after one such fight and tearfully she said, "It's over I guess," something I have heard more than once. As the details of their latest encounter unfolded, I felt anger and even something that may be construed as rage well up inside of me. I wanted to punch him, honestly. I guess we all have that in our nature when pushed to a certain point.

At the time my girls and I were on a very long walk, which was probably a good place for me to be. They were riding their bikes and when not on the phone with my friend, I was talking, out loud, to God and I guess anyone else who was listening. After a few minutes of fuming about the situation, I realized my problem was not anger. Or even rage. It was fear. I was afraid.

Fear is often at the root of many of our emotions. But usually we don't like to admit it. Instead of saying we are afraid, we say we are 'angry' or 'frustrated' or 'at the end of our rope'. And sometimes we are those things. But sometimes we are just afraid and either don't know it or are afraid (ha!) to admit it because we think it will make us look weak.

So what do we do? As a Christ follower, I know that God knows everything about me. He knows when I'm afraid even when I don't realize it. By telling him the truth I am showing that I trust him and his plan for my life even when I can't see it.

So what does that look like? For me that night, on that walk, it looked like saying out loud that I was afraid and naming my fears. Not simply a blanket, "Lord, I'm afraid," but a specific naming of what I was afraid of.

As I trusted those scary things to God, he brought back my peace. I was once again able to look around and enjoy the beautiful evening, the cool breeze and the view of my children being children. He can do that for you if you will trust him with your fears, too.

Photo credit

Boundaries are hard work!

I know I’ve been on a boundaries and limit-setting path lately but only because that’s where I am in my life. While I don’t want to beat a dead horse, after spending the weekend with my mom something very important came to me and I had to share it with you. I’ve talked about the types of boundaries and who to set limits with. We’ve also talked about moving the line when needed and how to reinforce those limits.

But I have neglected the obvious and it’s this: Keeping boundaries is h-a-r-d work. A week with my mother has served as a good reminder. It’s hard work to be ok with constant discomfort. My whole weekend with my mom was awkward because I refuse to give in to her demands that I live a certain way and speak a certain way. It is uncomfortable to constantly watch someone you love bang their head against your boundary.

Furthermore, it is painful to feel the distance between you and that family member or that person you love because you refuse to give in to whatever they want you to do or say or be.

Why am I telling you this? Because if you feel this way, then you are doing it exactly right! Yay for you! I can tell you after a week of living in this constant state of being on guard I am exhausted to the point of tears. I am sad that I feel so far removed from my mom. But I am proud of myself for holding my ground. I feel excited that I am healthy enough to stand up for myself with someone who says she loves me acts that way.

You are not alone. You can do this. You may not get it right the first time. Or the sixteenth. But keep trying. Don’t give up. You can do it!

Photo credit

Disapproving Friends

How do we express our boundaries when a friend disapproves of our actions? Recently I was having a conversation with a rather good friend. She has been supportive of my writing endeavors and I told her about some recent events. She then asked me if I had told my mother about all I was doing. I said no and was shocked by her disapproving look. I started to defend myself but then thought better of it. Shouting at her over the roar of the bowling alley is not my style, so I chose to wait until I got home and link her to some of what I've already written about that most difficult relationship.

Later that night as I was reflecting on the day, I started writing in my journal. Apparently I had a lot to say! My reasoning goes something like this. The closer I grow to God, the more myself I become. It's not about being anything other than who God made me to be. My friend thinks I'm wrong to do the blogging that I do without first talking to my mother. I guess I can either live what's left of my life for my mom or I can live it for God. I'm trying my best to honor her, but I won't let fear dictate how I live or what I say or do. I feel like I kept my mouth shut for so long because she didn't want me talking about 'it'.

But that's not who I am anymore. I have a brain and a mouth and I know how to type and as long as you, God, give me words to say and an audience, I'm going to keep talking and writing.

So who is it in your life that is holding you back? Who is it that despite all your efforts and hard work still calls you names? We've been talking about boundaries a whole lot here, and I believe this is more of that same theme. Because she is my mom and I love her, I continue to fight to find a way to have a relationship with her. But I can't do that without knowing what my limits are and how to express them in a way she can understand.

This life is exhausting girls. I'm so glad I am not on this path alone.



Photo credit

A Word about Encouragement

I have had a very good lesson on encouragement recently. Those of you that know me don't laugh, but I joined the summer softball league at church. No, sports are not my thing. But I felt like God wanted to grow me somehow through the experience. So I joined and toughed it out.

Growing up, I was the dancer in the family and my sister was the athlete. So the laughter that spilled out of her when I told her about signing up was understandable. But I'm not afraid to try new things, so I was not deterred.

Mostly I have held my own during our games, but two recent games really stand out to me. In the first, I had my kids there cheering me on and a teammate who was constantly giving me positive messages. In the second, I had neither. Consequently, the first of those games I played very well and connected with the ball several times. In the second, I struck out every time I was at bat.

This has reminded me how important it is to encourage one another. The Bible says it this way in 1 Thessalonians 5:11 "therefore encourage one another and build each other up...".

This group is so good at doing that. I love the way we can share our joys and our struggles with each other and instead of judgment, we receive encouragement to stay in it, to fight the good fight and to have hope.

Thanks girls for being here for each other. That encourages me this day.

Photo credit

Life with Limits

As you know, I've kind of been on this boundaries kick lately. And you may be sick of it. But if you really want to know why, it's because boundaries, limits, or lines are not something I learned one time and then put into practice and never looked at again. I am constantly looking at my perimeters to assess if they are working properly or if they are too loose or too rigid.

Of course I'm talking about my mom again. That relationship has been the constant one in my life that I have had to keep a close eye on. And even this week, I find myself pulling my boundaries in a little tighter around me where she is concerned. Which is a very important point about boundaries: they can change. It takes time to figure out the right boundary or limit for each person or situation in your life.

Some of my friends know everything about me and have the freedom to question my actions or motivations. Other friends know what I want them to know and nothing more. With my mom, well, big sigh, I love her to pieces. I want us to have a relationship that we don't have. And maybe never will. But it is important to me to have her as part of my life. So in order to have her as part of my life, I have had to be very deliberate with my limits.

For example,  the strongest boundary I've had to draw between us is the situation with my birth daughter. Of course my mom was part of my life when I became pregnant unexpectedly as a teen. But I didn't find her to be very supportive of my pregnancy or life afterwards. While she continued to be my mother, I moved on emotionally to where I could find the help and the healing that I needed.

During those years after I moved out on my own, I figured out for myself how to cope and how to grieve and how to survive the loss of my daughter. I didn't do it alone; God put people in my path to show me how to live a healthy life and how to grieve but still go on. I do not consider myself to be a self-made woman by any means. But I am strong and I do know myself. I know what I need and what I don't need.

But because my mom missed out on those years when I was grieving, learning, healing, and growing, she doesn't understand those things about me. And now she wants to. And it's too late. And there is no happy middle ground on which we can meet. So the line around all things birthmom in my life is squiggly and may remind you at times of an electrically charged fence. When she just leaves that area of my life alone, all is well. But when she doesn't and I have to defend it, I do. And she doesn't like it.

I know I'm not alone in struggling with limit-setting in my life. What is your hardest area? How do you draw the line and defend it?

Photo Credit

Write Your Story

When I was asked to lead a breakout session at this year's BMB retreat, I originally wanted to lead a session on writing your story. I know Michelle Thorne did one last year and Leilani the year before, but still I thought it would be a good topic. Even recently, one of you has contacted me with questions about how to get started and what to do first.

You've probably figured out by now that I love writing. I write almost everyday in a journal. I handwrite notes to others on regular occasion. I write lists. I write lists for my lists. And while I do love technology and the keyboard, there's still something about a clean, fresh, white piece of paper and a nice, smooth pen in my hand. Weird, I know.

In some ways I feel like I'm stuck between two generations. I learned to type on a typewriter. My first computer class was in seventh grade. While we didn't actually own a gaming console, Atari was my first computer game. All of the advances are awesome and a great way to stay connected. But somehow along the way, we have lost something.

My grandmother used to send me handwritten letters. For part of my life, I lived down the street from her. But I can still remember receiving her letters and thinking, "Why didn't she just get in her car and drive down here?" But then my family moved away, and getting those letters in the mailbox was like getting a little piece of home.

I have an aunt who, at 70, still handwrites me lengthy letters (read "books") on lined sheets of notebook paper. While her writing is as neat as a typewriter, she's never to my knowledge actually used one. I feel bad when time will only allow me to dash off a note on the word processer, print it and send it. Its somehow feels dishonoring to her.

My point is to try different mediums for writing your story. Something about snuggling up in a nest of blankets and pillows while pouring out my heart on a sheet of paper feels warm and safe. Contrast that with the vulnerability I sometimes feel while sitting here at a sterile keyboard and you can see the difference. Try different things before deciding, then focus on telling your story.

Photo credit

Unique and Special

In my last post, Bonding, I talked a little about how good boundaries are rooted in strong, steady relationships. And that without strong relationships and a safe place to land, it is hard or nearly impossible to keep good boundaries.

So this week I want to review a couple more basics from the same book, Boundaries (Cloud &Townsend, 1992). The terms separation and individuation simply refer to our need as humans to identify ourselves as separate from others. This experience takes place in childhood, but as we grow up through different life stages, it's important to continue identifying ourselves as separate from other people even while being a part of them. Let me try and explain.

The hatching phase of this process is the time when as a toddler you recognized, sometimes suddenly, that you and mommy were not the same person. It's the time when you started crawling away from mommy and towards new things in order to touch them and explore them more closely. This is the beginning of us seeing ourselves as our own unique person designed with a special plan and for a special purpose.

In the practicing phase, we felt invincible, that we could do anything with no bad consequences. Of course that's not true, but it's also important that toddlers learn for themselves the fun side of this phase.

Finally, there's the third phase, called rapprochement, where we learned that we can't do everything. It's like a reality check. The toddler comes back to a relationship with her mother, but comes back having had her own experiences and thoughts. And so essentially she comes back as her own person, not simply as an extension of her mother.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because as adults, we could be stuck in one of these areas even though we're all grown up. Sometimes peer groups can pull us back into one of these phases by making us feel that if we are not of the same mindset, we just won't fit in any more.

Sometimes we never fully separated from our parent or caregiver that raised us. It's hard to be your own person in this world. It seems to me that there are lots of voices on tv and the radio and the internet and other sources telling us what to be, how to act, what to think, what to look like, even what to like and not like. It's hard to be our own person. But if God would have wanted a world full of people who thought exactly alike, he would have created robots, not humans with the ability to think for ourselves.

You are unique and special and designed for a purpose. Don't let anyone tell you differently. You are allowed to think your own thoughts and have your own opinions and be your own person. That's exactly what you were created to do.

Photo credit

Bonding

At the retreat, we enjoyed a breakout session on boundaries led by yours truly. And while an hour is not nearly enough time on such an important topic, it was a start.

For me personally, boundaries have been a struggle over the years. I don't feel like I got a good grasp on them growing up at home. I certainly didn't know how to draw lines in high school or college. It was only after I got out and away on my own that I really started realizing that I was in charge of myself. No one else was going to take care of me. It was hard when I started saying 'no' and doing my own thing. But it has been well worth it.

So where do boundaries come from? and how do we learn them? According to the book Boundaries (Cloud and Townsend, 1992) that I referenced in the breakout session, the very foundation of our boundaries is actually rooted in bonding. According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory, individuals need to belong. The need is so strong, in fact, that we see it in children who continue to cling to parents who abuse them.

God created us for connection. And many times when we draw a boundary, it can feel as though we are being 'mean' when in fact we are simply caring for ourselves. In order to have good boundaries, we need to have strong, healthy relationships that will support us in our quest for health. So stated simply, we cannot develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others.

So I challenge you to think through your family and friends. Who among those is truly supportive of your need to develop and maintain boundaries? Who among those is dead set on getting their way and making you do what they want you to do? Starting to recognize the difference is the first step towards change.

Photo credit

The Robins

I hope you made it to Charlotte a couple of weeks ago for the annual BMB Retreat. Going there feels like going home to me. It's amazing...we all look different, are from different parts of the country and have different backgrounds. But I feel more accepted in that place than many other places in my life. Thanks to all of you who were there and made it possible.

A mommy robin built a nest outside my kitchen window the week before I left for Charlotte. She fought the odds of wind, terrible location and the constant struggle to keep her next in tact. When she finally succeeded, I thought I saw a smug smile on her face as she sat in her nest built under an overhang in the pouring rain.

Upon returning from Charlotte, I checked on her to find three scrawny, ugly baby birds. I couldn't even see them the first couple of weeks until mommy or daddy brought home some worms. Then I could see them push up their heads, open their beaks, and disappear again.

A couple weeks later, the babies weren't so ugly anymore. Their feathers had come in nice and fluffy. They continued to let mommy and daddy feed them, but there was hardly any room left in the nest. The chirped to each other and while there was some pushing going on when a parent brought home the food, they all got to eat and grew.

Earlier this week I noticed not only were the babies getting big, but they would take turns flapping their wings while remaining in the safety of their nest. I guess they were getting ready for the big event.

Well this morning while standing at the sink, I noticed the nest was empty. It kind of made me sad because watching the birds had brought me some pleasure over the weeks. But it also reminded me a lot of this group. We are all in various stages of growth and nourishment and flight. But I love how we care about and care for one another.

Hope you are taking time to enjoy this fresh season.

Photo credit