Milestones

As birth mothers, we face those milestone moments in our child’s life in a very different way than other mothers.  There is the normal excitement as our children grow and learn new things, but there is also a deep sadness and longing because we are often not there to witness these things first hand.  It is easy to feel left out of our children’s big moments because we are not the ones who get to see these things happen and experience the joy of these moments with them.

The time is coming in my son’s life for another one of  these milestones, and I can’t help but have a heavy heart knowing I will not be there to witness it.  Aidan is starting Kindergarten this year.  I am beyond excited for him to begin his journey with school and enjoy all the fun things he will get to do and learn.  I just wish I was the one who would be walking him into his classroom and holding back tears as I had to leave him on his first day.  I know I will get pictures, and I enjoy having the opportunity to see these special events, but it is in no way the same as actually being there.  While I am so thankful for the pictures and I always want more, in some ways it can make it harder at times.  It gives me the chance to see even more clearly the joyful things I am missing out on.

I cannot believe how fast my baby boy is growing.  It is hard to believe we are at another milestone in his life and he will be starting kindergarten in just a couple of weeks.  It seems like just yesterday he was still here inside and with me at every moment.  It is hard knowing that I am not there with him, and even more so, that these moments are no longer meant to be for me.  I gave all of those moments away the moment I choose what was best for him.  I am beyond blessed to still be included in so many moments of his life, yet it doesn’t take the pain away when I am not with him.  So I will allow myself to feel sad and happy on that day.  I will smile at the thought of my sweet boy with his backpack all ready for school for the first time, and I will cry that my hand is not the one that he is holding. 

picture credit

Remember the Journey

There are some days after placement that you will never feel whole.  However, there are the other days where love and peace surround you.  Those days are very rejuvenating and necessary for the soul to replenish itself.

Remind yourself how blessed you truly are for how far you have come in your life's journey.  Even if you have just five minutes, close your eyes and mentally walk through the steps you slowly took to get you where you are today.

Don't forget to express gratitude for those who supported you and helped you when you couldn't walk one more step.  "Gratitude is the key to abundance."

Relax and enjoy these moments.  Write about them and re-read them when you are having a rough day.

I listen to this song to remind me of my own path.... Reach for the Light by Steve Winwood.

Roller-coasters: Emotional & Circumstantial

My adoption closed almost 5 years post-placement from semi-open. I'm not sure if all the emotional aspects are the same for me or not as I reach one of the final milestones. But Frogger will be 18 this fall. 

It’s a struggle. I am so excited that I will finally reach that major milestone where Frogger can, by law, contact me. I am also afraid of getting my hopes up. Yet, I cannot help but to be excited.  I have done countless hours of research through the years, so I know that boys are less likely to seek out their birth-family, especially, early into adulthood.

Frogger is a part of my daily life. His pictures are throughout my house. My daughter, Ladybug, knows about her brother and has questions and expectations of a reunion as well. My family and friends remind me often that this is the year he turns 18, as though I forget.

Adoption is not only a roller coaster of emotion, but of circumstance as well. Will he want to meet me? Will he want to know me? Did he have the happy life that I had hoped for him? In spite of my believing in my decision, was it, in fact, the right one?

What about his parents? How are they feeling as Frogger’s 18^th birthday comes barreling towards us? Are they encouraging him to reach out or are they afraid of losing him?

It’s a roller-coaster  If he doesn't want to meet me is it because he feels that I abandoned him? Or is it because I truly did plan such an amazing life for him that he doesn't feel like a part of him is missing? And if he does not choose to connect, is the opposite is true?

I have had many people suggest through the years that my placing after parenting must have been more difficult than if I had placed at birth. I don’t think that is true. I had the opportunity to know him. I had the opportunity to be called “mummy”, by my son. There is no mistaking that I was his mom. It allowed me to know that my decision was because I thought he needed more than I could give. I have never felt that other’s made the decision for me. I have never felt that I was placing because of other people’s expectations.

All of the above is why I am here. I want to be able to help others on the “Adoption Roller-coaster . I want to tell my story, and maybe I can help someone. And most of all, I want Frogger to be able to find at least a small part of his story even if reunion is not his choice.