Doc McStuffins

 I'm not too sure how familiar you all are with the abundance of shows that play on Disney Junior, but I have a young Minnie Mouse fanatic here, so I have a plethora of Disney Junior knowledge.  The other day, as I was watching the masterpiece that is otherwise known as Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, I saw a commercial for Doc McStuffins.  My attention was drawn to it because this season is featuring an adoption story line.  The McStuffins family is adopting a baby, and viewers will be able to follow the family through the process.

Naturally curious, I started Googling this (isn't that what everyone does?)  Adoptive families are ecstatic about the upcoming season, as the Doc McStuffins crew has done a good amount of research about adoption, proper adoption language, adoptees, and the adoption process.  They feel it will be a great way to normalize adoption with young children.

This is all great, but I wonder what role the birth mother is going to play in this scenario.  If the birth mom were involved in an open adoption with baby McStuffins, I would also be ecstatic.  Not only would this preschool TV show be normalizing adoption for adoptive families, but it would help young children of birth mothers (like my own) to see that their moms aren't different.

I worry, though, that birth families will again be lost.  I worry that, like many stories related to adoption, the McStuffins family will say, “We're adopting!” and then arrive with a happy baby to complete their family.  I worry that there won't be any statements about where Baby McStuffin's came from, and mostly I worry that the adoption will be portrayed as a closed adoption.  Closed adoptions have really decreased tremendously in popularity over the last several years, and I really feel that it would be doing a disservice to adoption to portray it this way.

As a whole, Doc McStuffins has done a nice job of portraying a family that doesn't always subscribe to the norms of society (Mr. McStuffins is a stay at home dad, while his wife is a successful career woman).   I have high hopes for this series, but I'm always hesitant when adoption is portrayed in the media.

Photo Credit

Movie reviews

Recently I have found myself becoming a lot more interested in the way adoption and birth mothers are portrayed in the media. For the most part it isn't that good. So as often as I can I try to find and watch as many movies as I can that have any link to adoption.

I have seen two movies that really stuck with me. Mother and Child and Philomena.

Mother and Child is a movie that involves three stories that intertwine. A birth mother who placed her daughter 37 years ago in a closed adoption, a woman who was adopted at birth and a young couple trying to adopt a baby. The stories are all interesting and for the most part I found that the characters were believable. It is easy to relate to most of them. There were moments however that I got a little lost and I felt like they went a weird direction with the characters. I would recommend this movie if you are ever bored and want something to do,  however I would not recommend going out of your way to see this movie. I did cry just to warn you but I am also a very sensitive person, especially about any kind of adoption story.

Philomena is an amazing movie. It is about a woman who was forced into placing her young son up for adoption. He was basically taken from her and 50 years later she decides that she wants to find out what happened to her son. I feel like talking about it just does not do it any justice. I cried through out the whole thing, just to warn you guys again, but I loved every minute of it. You feel her pain and you know where she is coming from. The feeling of just wanting to know that your child is okay. The actors do an amazing job showing the real raw emotion and the ugly side of closed adoptions. Did I also mention that this movie is a true story? It makes me want to cry just thinking about it! Philomena is a must see movie for anyone and it is definitely a must see for us birth moms!

For me watching movies about adoption helps me. It helps me to see other stories, even if they are not true. Birth mothers are not always painted in a positive light and so it is nice to see movies that paint a picture of the loving and caring birth mom and not the lady who abandoned her baby, because none of us are like that.  I hope that one day we can make our story known more and then adoption won't be as taboo to talk about.

Photo credit

My Ultimate Frustration

So, it's November.  November, among other things, is national adoption month.  A friend of mine, who is a photographer, posted a list of twenty photos celebrating national adoption month.  Of those, about two were domestic adoptions that were the result of custody battles and divorces.  All the others were international adoptions.

Okay, before I get scolded, I have no problem with either kinds of adoption.  I agree that people who get divorced and then end up with blended families, should be able to adopt their step children.  I also agree that there are children in other countries who need homes and the opportunities that this country can provide.

That said, my frustration is mainly in that the adoptions we hear about the most are those that happen in blended families or international adoptions.  Adoptions like the ones that we know of?  I hear about them at birthmother support groups.  I hear about them on this blog.  I hear about them when I look really hard for them.  I hear about them when I share my story and people find the courage to speak up as well.  I don't hear about our stories on TV, on the news, in the movies, or in books.  Not most of them anyway.

So right now, I'm just frustrated.  I'm frustrated that our society is one that keeps us quiet.  I'm frustrated that people like us get painted as drug addicts, screw-ups, and women who abandoned their children.  At least this is what it feels like right now.  That's what I keep seeing.  And it's so incredibly frustrating to me right now.

What's worse is that this will be something that will have to change over time.  I know that the best idea is to remain patient and work as we go along.  We're only a few people.  And even as I write this, I feel like a bit a of a hypocrite because I am not open about my son on my own Facebook page due to various family that I don't want to know about happened.  How can I call for people to be open when I'm barely open myself?

Sorry all, just very frustrated this week.  Feel free to vent your own frustrations on here.  I know I've been frustrated about this for days now.

Good Drama

There's a show that was once on television called "Northern Exposure" about a tiny little quirky town
in Alaska.  During the run of the show, the character Shelly gets pregnant.  At her baby shower all the other women are talking about their horror stories and it freaks Shelly out.  So she goes for a walk in the woods and meets Mother Nature.  I said it was a quirky town, remember?  She, Mother Nature, Queen Victoria, and Medea have a big talk about motherhood and how it changes everything in a mother's life.  But Mother Nature makes a very good point.  She tells Shelly that the other women talk about the horror stories so much because "they make good drama.  I mean you never hear about the baby who just popped out."

After being pregnant, giving birth, placing my child for adoption, and then going out into the world to carefully tell my story, I found that people were surprised over and over again.  Most of them had never heard a "good" adoption story.  All they had ever heard were the bad ones.  The ones were there is a fight over the kid, or the kid tries to find his parents only to be rejected, or even just the plot line of the latest Lifetime made-for-TV movie.  Everyone was shocked by my story because it was a good one.  And it continues to be a good one.

At some point, a friend told me once again about how all they ever hear are the bad stories about adoption and that it was so rare to hear about the good ones.  I was badly confused because ever since I placed my child for adoption, I've only heard more and more good stories.  Then I remembered this quote: "they make good drama."  That's when I realized why so many have heard the bad stories, but very few of the good.  It's a very simple reason.  Those stories make good drama.  The stories like mine about the adoptive parents and the birthmother who always get along aren't good drama.  People in general see it as a good reason to still have faith in humanity.  But not much more.  And my story is not fodder for a made-for-TV movie the will have everyone biting their nails and wondering who should get the child.  There was no struggle, there was no last minute change of heart.  My son went from my arms to theirs and that was it.

I still go about and tell my story to many who are often surprised over and over again.  A few have heard good stories or were even part of a good story.  And those people are the best to meet.  But I find they are often few and far between.  Most everyone else has heard the bad stories, the horror stories, the ones that get passed around and around and are eventually accepted as the one and only truth.  Which isn't fair to the many many stories that are good.

I encourage everyone, if your story is good, please tell it.  You'll hear lots of people say how they heard about this terrible story or that.  But just be patient.  Some have just never heard the good stories.  Not their fault.  They're just not considered "good drama."  But that doesn't make them any less viable or any less important.

Despicable Me 2

I know that animated movies aren't real. I mean, obviously the people aren't reals and the characters are just drawings voiced by someone else. We took our kids to see Despicable Me 2 last week and I really just have to write about it.

In the first movie, we meet Gru who is grumpy and irritable and an overall mean guy not to mention a villain. He adopts three sisters in order to gain access to another villain's home and stolen goods.

But then the good part happens. He falls in love with the girls. They steal his heart away and before he knows it he is no longer stealing things or focusing on his work for that matter. He takes them to an amusement park and even gets his face painted.

However, his old self still struggles for control and alas, he loses sight of what's really important and lets go of the girls in order to focus on his work.

In the new film, we see a totally changed man. Not only is he a devoted family man, but he has given up his life of crime for good. He has retrofitted his lab and retooled his minions to do good work. He has his priorities totally in order so much so that when a lucrative offer to go back to his previous life appears, he quickly flees the scene.

This film is the story of redemption. It shows us that we're never too old, too far gone or too mean to change. Sometimes we have to come to the end of ourselves in order to see ourselves clearly. For Gru, it happened after adopting three sisters.

Tell me, what's it going to take for you to come to the end of yourself? to realize you need a change? to take that first step in a new direction?

Photo credit

Stop the Stigma

credit:estarrassociates.com

My grandma sent me a newspaper clipping about the stigma surrounding adoption.

"Birth mothers choose life, and a family, for their child. But this choice is rarely celebrated. Women routinely face family, friends and even health-care providers who think that adoption equals abandonment, according to researchers and conversations with birth mothers.

Birth mothers in the United States each year number in only the thousands, compared with approximately 1.2 million abortions performed annually, according to Guttmacher Institute estimmates, and 1.4 million unexpected unwed births each year. Women bucking the cultural tide generally do not publicize their choice. They are much more willing to admit they have terminated a pregnancy, adoption advocates say, than to say they have placed a live newborn with loving parents."

Now, I'm not here to open up the abortion can of worms. 

And I'm not here to say choosing to parent your child is a lesser decision.

I am here to simply educate about the option of adoption. The article goes on to describe the fact that many women don't consider adoption because it's just never presented to them as an option. Many times women may think parenting and abortion are their only choices. Of those who are aware of adoption, many hold the old prejudices that adoption is abandonment, is selfish, is damaging and therefore don't consider it a legitimate choice.

And as the article said, and as some of us know very intimately, birth mothers often don't go publicizing their decision because of that stigma.

But it may be that they only way to slowly turn that stigma around and to inform expectant mothers of the third route is for birth mothers to make their voice known - about the benefits of adoption for all involved, about the reality of the difficulties after placement, about the many stereotypes and misinformation that is spread about birthmothers, adoptees and choosing to place a child.

How do you feel about being a voice for adoption? Have you met any of this stigma? What have you done to educate others about the third choice?

Hard Love

One of my main goals for telling my story is to change the perception of adoption. Unfortunately, unplanned pregnancies happen. Why is the main stream so tied to Parenting vs Abortion? Why is there so much shame and stigma towards Adoption?

I believe I knew in the beginning, while still pregnant that I was not equipped to parent my son and provide for him as he deserved. But, I fell into the trap thinking that my choices were parent or abort to be accepted by those in my life. If I had an abortion no one had to know. And, well, if I parented then “I stepped up”.

I tried. God knows, I tried. I parented for 2 years, 6 months, and 5 days.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I felt confident that adoption was a viable option from the beginning. I believe the healing process would have been easier had the shame and guilt not hung over me like a cloud on a stormy day for so long.

We, as birthmothers, do not love our children any less. We, as birthmothers, are not looking for a way out from responsibility. This may sound a little self-righteous, but when people look at me in horror when I tell them about the adoption and say things like, “I could never GIVE my child away, I love him too much.” I want to answer back, “Maybe I loved my son MORE than you and that is why I did everything I had to, to make sure he had the best life possible.” It is not that I truly feel that way. I just cannot grasp why others believe that is what adoption is about.

I was excited when the movie Juno came out. Finally a movie about a birth mom. They did a good job, overall. But, I was angry. I was angry that they did not show an accurate portrayal of the roller-coaster this teen mom would go through. I had not heard of the movie that Natasha just reviewed, Like Dandelion Dust, but I'm disgusted with the portrayal of that movie as well. 

Adoption is HARD, but it also BEAUTIFUL. Adoption is not weak, it is BRAVE. Adoption is not selfish, it is SELFLESS. Adoption is not shameful, it is INSPIRING. Adoption is not indifference, it is LOVE. These are the key words that need to be used when discussing adoption.

No one wants to find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy. None of us want that for our children, family members or friends. But it happens. It will continue to happen. I wish everyone who found themselves in that situation immediately thought parenting or adoption. I may be pro-choice, but I do not believe anyone should feel that is their only choice if they are unable to parent.

I want to educate others to be pro-active regarding adoption. I want the media to build adoption up, not tear it down. I want us, as birth mothers, to be able to hold our head high, not be tempered by shame or guilt. We chose good things for our children. We planned more promising futures for our children. We should NEVER feel bad for that.  

Like Dandelion Dust Movie Review

Like the Dandelion Dust is based on a book written by an adoptive mother Karen Kingsbury.

The movie opens up with a scene involving intimate partner violence on a woman, Wendy Porter. Her husband Rip goes away to jail for abusing her, and while he is away Wendy finds out she is pregnant. Judging by the house alone, it seems like she does not have very much financial resources, living in a working class neighborhood. It is implied that Wendy relinquishes custody of her child while Rip is in jail.

A few years have passed and Rip gets out of jail and returns home to Wendy who tells him about the pregnancy and their son. Rip is devastated by the news and wants to obtain custody of their son. Legally, he is able to because he never signed relinquishing papers.

The adoptive parents, Jack and Molly Campbell, are disturbed by the news.  In the story, the social worker thinks it is best to ease the son Joey into the home of the Porters slowly. “The first visit they are friends, the second visit they are the other mommy and daddy and the final visit Joey will be told the truth” Seriously? I really hope no social worker in real life would think that lying to a child about where they came from would be a good idea. Someone please explain how that would be in the best interest of the child?

Overall, the movie perpetuates the fear that adoptions will go horribly wrong after the placement of the child, that the birth parents will come back to ‘steal’ the child away from the adoptive family. It also uses negative language towards first/birth parents including ‘giving away’. Birth parents whom make an adoption plan do not give away their babies. By saying that they do, it insinuates the lack of value they have for the child. Mothers/parents make adoption plans for their babies (unless the state gets involved and takes them away, but that is an entirely different story) because they are not able to parent for a variety of reasons.

The misrepresentation of birth mothers in films about adoption are insulting to the mothers/parents who make difficult decision for their families.

Like Dandelion Dust attempts to dig into the emotional aspects of having no control over the disruption of one’s family. After Joey has visited the Porters a couple of times and the Campbell’s are fighting to keep custody of them, Wendy acknowledges the pain of Joey’s other mother Molly, “Somebody’s got to lose, and it’s not going to be us this time… we are his parents and it’s right for him to be with us”.

And of course, there has to be a scene between the fathers physically fighting after Jack tries to use his monetary power to buy out Rip. This scene also shows Jack’s vulnerability in the situation.

At this point, when both parents have met each other, I start to wonder what open adoption would look like for these families. With an open adoption arrangement Joey could stay with the Campbell parents -- the parents whom he has grown up with -- while maintaining contact with the Porters. And the Porters would be able to feel comfort knowing Joey’s well being and stay in contact with him. At the very least, the filmmakers could have shown them discussing it.

In the end, Wendy finalizes the adoption with the Campbell family, knowing it is what would be best for Joey. Before they depart, Wendy tells Molly,“I want Joey to know he has two mothers, one who loves him so much she couldn't let go. And one that loves him so much she had to“.

The DVD of the movie had several additional interviews from the filmmakers and writers. The author of the book which the movie is based on, Karen Kingsbury’s message about what she hopes viewers will walk away from the movie made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. She wants people to be interested in adoption to support orphans from other countries or ’suddenly’ for the first time be invested in the idea to adopt their own child.

Mrs. Kingsbury also shared her own adoption story. She and her husband adopted three sons from Haiti. She said, ”God always answers the financial prayer - that is never the reason not to adopt”. Really? What about those parents who don’t have the financial resources to financially provide for their children, whom ultimately end up in orphanages? What happened to their financial prayers? How fortunate Mrs. Kingsbury is to be able to afford to adopt 3 boys in addition to the 3 biological kids she already has. It doesn't take much reading about adoptions from orphanages to learn that not all children in orphanages are truly orphans (whose parents are deceased). Mrs. Kingsbury gives us no light into the story of her Haitian sons’ first families or how they became orphans - a crucial part of their story is missing.

Mrs. Kingsbury also says that she thinks everyone should consider adoption, she of course means everyone should adopt a child or three, like she did, but she doesn't seem to show interest in where these children come from. “Everyone has a role in adoption”, while she clearly ignores the birth/first families of the children.

One of the film producers, Kevin Downs shared his adoption story in an interview in a DVD extra. He says his wife didn't care where it comes from, she just wanted a baby. And that he and his wife ‘rescued’ the babies from the orphanages. Upon hearing that I shook my head in frustration. I really wish that people interested in adopting children get out of the mental framework that children in orphanages need rescuing. By doing so, I think they are feeding into the supply and demand of keeping orphanages grim. Read more here Good Intentions Are Not Enough.

(cross posted from http://invisiblemothers.wordpress.com/)

New Blogger writing about Adoption in Films

I'm Natasha and I become a birth mother at 19 years old when I made an open adoption plan for my daughter, born in 1998.  We share love for eating ice cream and cuddling with cats.

After watching countless movies that portray adoption and being angry and disappointed after every film, I have decided to write about it and my posts here on the BirthMom Buds Blog will be about this project.  We need to hear from birth mothers themselves to speak to their own narrative. Adoptions wouldn't happen without these mothers signing relinquishing papers.

A common contemporary illustration of adoption is described as a triad, containing birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees at their respectable points in the triangle. For me, when I watch a movie or when I read a story about adoption, I am curious about all points of the triad. For it to be a well rounded story, I need information about all parts of the triad. Frequently, I only see part of the story. Adoption stories told from the adoptive parents perspective starts from when they gained custody of their child or when they decided to adopt a child.

And rarely does it include a story through the eyes of experience of the women having to make the decision to place a child for adoption. These women are invisible mothers.  Without these mothers signing relinquishing papers (if she is alive during the adoption), there wouldn't be an adoption taking place. I don’t believe mothers sign relinquishing papers because they do not want the children they place for adoption. Rather, the circumstances they were in during pregnancy and at the time they signed away their rights, they did not have the resources they needed to raise the child placed for adoption.

During this project, I hope that I will find a new wave of the way films about adoption are portrayed. Stories that are based on reality and not on myths which further perpetuates false ideas and stereotypes about adoption. 

Photo Credit

Focusing on the Positive

Image credit

There is a lot of negativity in the adoption world.  It seems I’ve been running into it more and more lately.  I had reason to speak to an adult adopted person and she told me that she prefers to use a negative approach to speak for adoption reform instead of a positive one.  There are people that have had negative experiences with their own adoptions that have preferred to focus on the negative parts of their adoptions instead of the more positive aspects.  Then of course there’s all the negative stereotypes about birth moms and adoption in general that were publicized by the atrocious TLC show, “Birth Moms.”

I know that it seems easier to focus on the negative especially if you’re in a situation that seems to have no positive aspects.  If your child’s parents have not kept up their end of the agreement at relinquishment or if there was no openness to begin with then it seems there’s no positive.  I’ll admit in such situations that it would be very hard to focus on the positive.

So with all the negativity, why not just join in?  It’s the more difficult path to walk when you decide to focus on the positive things.  This does not mean you can’t speak out about the negative aspects of adoption that need reform or at least addressing.  I’ve spoken out about negatives that need changing in my own blog.  But even if my own situation was less than the positive situation that it is, I would hope that I would still concentrate on finding the positive.

Maybe it’s just my personality.  I tend to think of myself as fairly grounded in reality but I also like to view the more positive side of the equation.  I also think that change isn’t accomplished negatively.  I believe wars don’t really accomplish much other than killing people.  Certainly you could say that people might change eventually just to get the squeaky wheel oiled, so to speak.  But it’s rather like discipline to me.  I’d rather have a carrot motivating in front of me than a stick beating from behind.  When speaking of adoption I think it’s especially important to be a positive motivator for change.  Birth moms in general over the years have been viewed as an unknown enigma meant to be feared.  The stereotypes about us are all negative and I believe if we focus on the negative when advocating for change or even in our own situations that we will simply add to the negative view of us as a whole.  I don’t personally know a single birth mom that fits the stereotypes of us and I think the more of us that don’t fit those stereotypes, the more that society will be less likely to want to cram us all into that feared box.

How do we focus on the positive?  I can’t tell you the specifics of how because I don’t know your own situation.  If you aren’t able to watch your child growing in updates and/or visits, trust that he or she is growing up in the family you wanted for him or her.  Come to peace with the factors that affected your relinquishment.  It’s too late to change them now, and allowing yourself to focus on the negative will eventually affect your life negatively.  In my own relinquishment I’ve come to peace with what happened and that has helped a lot.  I’ve owned up to the parts of the equation that I could control and let go of the parts that I couldn’t.  Believe that even the negatives in your own situation can and will eventually work for the positive if you let them.  When I made the decision to marry my ex-husband it wasn’t one of the best decisions of my life.  But if I hadn’t met and married him I wouldn’t have met the man with whom I believe I will spend the rest of my life.  Yes, sometimes it takes hindsight to see the positive and sometimes it’s hard when you’re still in the situation as you are when speaking of adoption.  Adoption is a lifetime circumstance.  But I also believe that a daily inventory of what has changed positively about your life as a result of relinquishment and what you know that you desired for your child that’s come true can go a long way toward changing your focus and your attitude.

Education is Key

Television shows this fall seem to be portraying a lot of adoption storylines. Unfortunately, they aren't portraying it the way that it really is and this kind of worries me.

I am a huge fan of the show Glee. In the first season, they did a story line about adoption and I think they did it justice. The characters seemed to go through what we as birth parents go through, such as grieving, and dealing with other people such as parents, peers, and family.

But now that it is season 3, they have brought back that story line, and needless to say, I am not a happy camper about it. In a recent episode. the adoptive Mom tells Quinn (the birthmother) that she wants her to be a part of the baby's life but not until she gets her act together. And at the end of the show Quinn goes back to looking normal (she dyed her hair, dressed inappropriately, was hanging with the wrong crowd, and rebelling as some teens do.) She tells the birth dad "If being blonde, dressing like this, and acting like everything is okay is what I need to do to get my daughter back I'm going to do it. WE are going to get full custody of Beth". 

This line completely made me so mad. She relinquished her rights in season 1 and this is a year and half later. Obviously, her rights would have been terminated by now and she legally wouldn't be able to get her daughter back. I feel like it this is showing us birth mothers in a very bad light and showing the non-educated people of the world, and even hopeful adoptive parents the fears, and adoption in a bad light.

And on another show that I don't watch but have seen the previews for called Parenthood one of the girls that wants to adopt a child says to a teen that is pregnant "Can I have your child?" These lines that they use just makes adoption all around look bad. Now, I can't say I haven't seen a couple of hopeful adoptive parents be forward like that, because I have. But NOT all hopeful adoptive parents are that forward, and they are definitely usually not that rude about it.

I have posted and emailed both networks on the problems with their story lines and how as writers, they obviously had to go to school and are educated people. Yet, before they write a script or lend a hand in the development of a story line they don't educate themselves on adoption law and how adoption TRULY works. I say this because in Glee, legally no matter what Quinn does to her appearance, or the way she acts she will NEVER get her child back. She relinquished her child, and after an adoption is finalized and all her rights are gone I don't believe there is any judge in the world that would overturn the ruling. Also, in most cases, a case worker or social worker for the hospital is present and the birthmother is asked before signing if she is under any duress, been bribed, pressured to sign, etc.

I think it's one of those things that just gets to me because I feel like adoptions have come so far since they first started and now these TV shows are setting us back.  They are showing birthmoms in a bad light and scaring adoptive parents more than they should be.

We as birth mothers aren't perfect, but showing to the world, and even potential birthmothers that they can just go and take their kid back whenever they want isn't right. We need to educate these wome, and also adoptive parents about the way that they act during certain situations. I feel like my main issue here is exploiting adoption as if it's this bad thing, and as if we are bad people. And we are far from bad people.

I understand that these are just television shows, and we should always take them with a grain of salt, but there are people out there that watch these shows religiously and get their information and their education from these shows because they look up to these people as if they, and their situations are real, when they are not. CLEARLY.

I leave you with this, "Who have you educated today?". If you can take one, just ONE person's perspective and give them a small piece of what your adoption story was like, then maybe, just MAYBE we could change the way the world sees adoption. Even if it is just one person at a time.

"Be the HOPE you wish to see in the world, be the CHANGE that changes the world".

Photo Credit

They're Only Words. Right?

Image credit: difog.wordpress.com

We’ve all heard that saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  So how can words cause so much hurt?  Perhaps words aren’t just words after all.  Perhaps words carry more meaning than we give them credit for and can cause more hurt than even a broken bone can.

I blogged in my personal blog last week about a television producer that was spamming Facebook and Twitter looking for birth moms and their adoptive families to do a documentary about.  They weren’t looking for them post-placement, however.  They were looking to do a show on “expectant birth moms.”  I have a problem with that term.

A woman is not an “expectant birth mom” when she is pregnant, even if she fully intends to place the child she is carrying for adoption.  She is not a birth mom at all until she has signed legal relinquishment papers.  Before that, a pregnant woman is simply a “mom” or “expectant mother.”  When a woman is pregnant, she is legally, emotionally, and physically that child’s mother.  When we place our children with their parents, we don’t call their moms “adoptive mom” or other versions of that term unless we are using that term to delineate their role from ours.  I know that as much as it may hurt sometimes to hear our children call someone else “mom,” we don’t expect them to call us “mom” and the woman who’s raising them something else entirely.  We call a woman a birth mom post-placement to continue to acknowledge the role she has in her child’s life, even if she’s not parenting that child.  Frankly, I need to be called “birth mom.”  I like the acknowledgment, and it makes it impossible to get stuck in the denial phase of grieving.

The other reason I dislike “expectant birth mom” as a term is that it’s coercive to call her that.  Sure, she may not even realize that it’s coercive.  That might not enter into her thinking when she’s making the final decision to place.  But it’s still putting that “seed” in there – the seed of that expectation that she’s going to place, and isn’t worth anything as a mother prior to placement.  You might as well call her a “vessel” or an “incubator.”  Talk about disrespectful terms!

So why is calling an expectant mother a birth mother prior to placement disrespectful to her role and afterward it isn’t?  It’s disrespectful because prior to placement it doesn’t acknowledge the entirety of her role in her child’s life.  As I’ve said previously, she is entirely responsible for raising that child prior to placement.  She has the ultimate decision when it comes to what she does with her body that affects her baby, and every woman makes whatever decisions she makes willingly.  Post-placement, a woman’s role as a mother is diminished, though still important.  Without her, that child would not exist.  That diminished role is hard for a lot of birthmothers to accept, including me, but that’s a topic for another post, perhaps.

Yes, it’s “just” a word.  But words are powerful and come with all sorts of emotions attached to them.

Ignorance....It's What Makes the World Turn

This past week has been difficult to be a part of social networking because it seems that everywhere I turn there is someone with an ignorant thought coming out of their mouth. Through a birthmom support group that I am a part of it was brought to several of our attention that there is this group on Facebook that is called "I love to make fun of Teen Mom". Their goal in life is to make fun of the lives of others, and their defense to this is "well they put it all over television, so it's their own fault". Which, I somewhat agree with, when it comes to the part that MTV is no longer about education, but more about the drama of these girls' lives. It just isn't the same as it was when it started, but no show that documents people's lives stays as an education piece, it is always turned into promotion, and what will profit the network.

On this "fan page" there was a comment made that birth mom's "GAVE UP" their children. And that if we were to make "changes" in our everyday lives then we could have raised our children. (I will address this later on in my post). As well as that "when we choose to have sex, we run the risk of getting pregnant then as women we should PARENT our children". There are several statements made on that page that just really got to me. Other birthmothers tried to educate them and they just weren't having it. That's where it becomes ignorance - if you just don't know the language and need to learn it, that's one thing but if you refuse to listen , then it becomes ignorance.

So, to all those that think that we as birth moms GAVE UP I have a little bit of insight for you. I never GAVE UP Easy. I PLACED him and made a CHOICE for him. I MADE A LIFE for Easy that I could not give him myself. The only GIVING I did, was GIVE HIM the most amazing parents in the world, that I know can give him everything that I know in my heart I couldn't due to my other two small children. I placed my child with people that couldn't have children. So, this addresses the point that "we as women know the risks of having sex and getting pregnant", what about those women and men who can't have children due to infertility? They don't get to understand those risks or they do understand those risks and there is nothing they can do about it.

But reading these comments made by people on this site just makes me sick to my stomach. I'm tired of hearing the words "you GAVE UP your child for adoption". It is like hearing nails on a chalk board. And also hearing, from even people that I know in my family, that "you just could have made some changes, do this or do that".

There were NO changes that I could make to my already stretched lifestyle. I already had two small children, I just started going back to school, my now husband and I just got our relationship back on track, and we just moved in to a two bedroom apartment. What were we supposed to do, just make room in our already financially unstable, emotionally stretched, and unstable support system as a family life? There were so many things I know that I look back on and think to myself "well IF only I could have done this or this", but even when I think about that it comes to my realization that even with those changes, or those if's and buts wouldn't have even made a dent in my life to where I could have taken care of him AND my two other children and given all three of them the life they deserved.

Here is my key saying that I remind myself when I come across people like I did on this fan page: They will NEVER get it, unless they are IN IT. Which rings so true, because the stupidity and ignorance of people these days on what adoption is like and what it's meaning truly is gets overshadowed. Adoption is about LOVE, the most pure, and blessed love that there is. A birthmom is a woman that is SELFLESS in her choice to GIVE her child the best life possible, to be able to hand over her child to two people to take care of for the rest of it's life. We never GAVE UP. We were never SELFISH in our decision.

Please understand that you are amazing, beautiful, and SELFLESS. Birthmothers are selfless and the world turns on ignorance. I'm sorry that this was filled with big RANT written all over it but I just had to get my feelings out there.

How do you deal when someone says the words "gave up"?

Necessary Roughness

Are you addicted to this show like I am? Seriously, I don't know if it's the whole psychotherapy angle or the sports angle, I got totally hooked on this over the summer.

One of the last episodes, Baggage Claim, was about a Martha Stewart-type woman who was well-known for her craftiness and organization. She was required to attend therapy for anger management by her board of directors. After a few sessions the therapist, Dr. Dani, learns that this well-put-together woman is a hoarder! Shocker, I know.

As Dr. Dani works with her to get to the root of her issue, she keeps saying "once you give something away, you can never get it back." We finally come to one of her many boxes that contains a blue cap and some booties. That's right. The root of her hoarding habit is a son she was forced to give away and never grieved.

I thought it was wonderful to see this particular subject matter come up. There are so many women out there who have never grieved for the child that was taken from them. And as a society, we don't even think about it. Nobody talks about it.

What do you think about the portrayal of birthmoms in the media?

Photo credit

The Best for You Adoption Book

Our friend, author, and fellow birthmom Kelsey Stewart asked us to spread the word about Adoptive Families Circle Magazine seeking nominations for your favorite adoption books. While, I'm sure they are expecting a lot of aoptive parents to vote and nominate books, I think it would be awesome if some birthmother voices were held as well. 


Kelsey is asking you to consider nominating her book, The Best for You. I had the pleasure of thumbing through a copy of Kelsey's book last year when she donated some copies as door prizes for our Birthmother's Day Celebration. It is written from a birthmother's perspective and talks about how a birthmother just wants the best for her child. It has fun illustrations appealing to a child. 


Here's what Kelsey had to say about her book and nominating it: 
"I get at least two to three messages a day from folks telling me how much they appreciate the children's book I wrote titled, The Best For You. I love these messages because it tells me that so many have embraced the message in the book that adoption is about the love for a child, not that the child was not wanted. Always touches my heart to hear others talk about how the book is helping them, or their chidlren, understand the mind of a birth mother a little better.

Well, I found this link this morning and thought I would pass it along to all of you. Adoptive Families Circle Magazine is taking nominations for your favorite adoption books and one of the categories is Children's Books. Take some time to click on the link and tell them about what your favorite books are and who knows, you may even win the Kindle that they are giving away!

You can help out this author, who is still trying to get her message to the masses, reach many more people just by entering and nominating The Best For You. It only takes a few minutes, and feel free to pass it along if you like. There are other categories that you can nominate a book for as well, so go take a look and make your opinion heard!"


Go here to nominate Kelsey's book. 

The Force Is Strong With Us

I had a major epiphany last week. Not like the time I decided my calling in life was to build dollhouses, or when I seriously considered going to clown college, but a real deal epiphany. What was it you ask? Only that the Star Wars trilogy is one of the most touching stories of a birth parent/adoptee relationship ever told! I’m not crazy…I swear!

I received a letter a couple weeks ago from Bee’s mom. She was nice enough to include a few of Bee’s school projects. One of which was a drawing of him rocking out on guitar hero with a caption that read, “When I come home I like to play video games”. Me too, Bee!

While I know it’s no crazy surprise that an eight year old digs video games, it still made me happy to know we share a common interest. Being a birth mom I have to deal with the fact that Bee is no longer mine. He won’t grow up with my family traditions. He will never call me mom. He belongs to an entirely different family all together. So I take comfort in knowing that there are things that he and I share that can never be taken away from either of us. He has my smile, my nose, and my crappy vision (much to my disappointment on the latter).

Luke Skywalker is Darth Vader’s son. Even though Luke stays true to himself and the good nature of his adoptive family by rejecting the dark side, he can’t deny his bloodline. His biological make up is the reason why The Force is so strong within him! Watching Star Wars from a birth mom’s point of view makes it so much more than a super rad space adventure. To me, it’s the story of an adoptee finding the balance between nature and nurture.

Of course I never want my son to have to struggle to find himself. I want him to grow up knowing exactly who he is. I want him to feel secure in knowing that he is living the life he was meant to live.

Still, if Bee turns out to be an awesome Jedi, I’ll take the credit for that one!

Cheers!

--Lacy

Amazing Race Birthmother and Daughter

If you follow this blog you probably saw my post about Andie and Jenna, reunited birthmother and daughter who were competing in this season of The Amazing Race. Sadly, Andie and Jenna were eliminated this past Sunday in just the second leg of the competition.

There's a short interview with them in People Magazine. You can read it online here. There's also a good interview on MSN, you can read that one here. In the MSN interview, Jenna is asked what their relationship is like today since the episode was actually filmed months ago. Jenna answers, "We really achieved our goal that we set going into the race—we wanted to become friends, and we definitely have. We email back and forth—we're never going to have time together again like we did on the race. I always know that if I need to talk to Andie, I can. "

Since they don't live in the same area, Andie and Jenna say they don't see each other in person much but they do stay in touch via email, texting, and such.

While this reunion playing out on TV was definately unique and not typical it was interesting to watch and even though they were eliminated early, I think they did those of us in the adoption community proud.