Where Do I Fit In?

I recently had my fourth visit with my daughter E.  She is now 19 months old and is becoming a little person with her own personality.  It's an amazing privilege to see and watch her grow up and I will be forever grateful for that.  I know how truly lucky I am to be able to visit her at all.  I was able to take my niece and little sister along, as well as her birth father.  We all had a blast at the zoo together and it was an amazing day.  The adoptive parents and I were extremely close throughout my pregnancy and post placement, but time goes on and life gets busy.  We still communicate monthly and have our visits twice a year, but I cant help but think where I fit in in this picture of E's life.

She is the most amazing girl I have ever seen, and even though I am not sure I truly believe it myself, I feel like deep down she knows who I am.  I know her adoptive parents have told her that she grew in my tummy, but how much of that does a 19 month old really understand.  But when I held her against me and when I chased her around the zoo, I felt like there was an unspeakable connection.  She knew who I was, or at least felt that I was familiar.

So what does that all mean?  I am not her mom.  I will never really be her mother.  I am her birth mom.  I gave her life and I held her so tight in that hospital, but then I had to let her go.  I have moved on with my life in so many ways.  I am going to school with hopes of graduating in the spring, I have made countless new friends and have a new job.  I am supporting myself without help from my parents, something I would have never done had I parented.  I think about her daily and I know I will continue to do so forever.

When I was watching her with her mom and dad I couldn't help but feel like an outsider looking in.  I saw the little family that I helped create.  I saw her look for her mom when she was out of sight.  I saw her grab onto her dad and I felt that love between them.  They are her parents.  It is hard to fully come to terms with something like that.  Knowing that no matter how close I am with them, with E, I will never be her mother.  She will never call me mom.  She wont come cry to me with her boo-boos.  I'm not going to hold her when that first boy breaks her heart.

At our visit I had a really important moment with her adoptive mom.  A moment that is going to stick with me forever, that helped me discover my place in this ever so complicated relationship of adoption.  We were discussing all of the rude comments we get as birth parents and adoptive parents and sharing stories.  She told me about how someone asked her how she was going to deal with the dreaded "You're not my real mom" that was bound to happen one day.  I cringed at that.  I cant stand the thought of E saying that to her mother one day, but we all know eventually it will come.  Her mother told me that when she does have those moments when she feels like she doesn't fit in and questions everything, that she is so glad that I was there to hold her hand.  She was thrilled that when E gets older and she is having her own crisis that I will be there to help her.  She said she was happy that she would have someone there that is an amazing a trustworthy person.

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Bad Days

I try my very best to make everyday a good day, and most of the time they are. I go to class, I go to work, I hang out with my amazing roommates and have a beer or two. Recently I celebrated my 21st birthday and it was amazing and all I've ever dreamed of since I was 16. I had a rough patch a few months ago, I struggled with my decision for a while. Since then I have been extremely positive most days about everything. I learned in therapy how to love myself. Even still those bad days sneak up on you.

I know that I made the best decision for my daughter at the time of placement. I know that she is where she belongs and I am where I belong but those bad days can question everything you have ever believed in. I know that I am lucky and many of our birth mother sisters are not as lucky to be confident and happy in their adoption. I know that many of us have been lied to and cheated and felt that this was our only option. I know some of us live in regret and struggle with the everyday. The one thing that helps me get through these bad days are remembering that sweet little face. Remembering those little kicks I felt as I lay awake trying to sleep. I cherish every second I had with my daughter, even though it was for a short nine months.

The best piece of advice I have for people on their bad days is to think of their sweet children. Think about how no matter what happened in your circumstances that you did what you could for them at the time. Our children would not want us to suffer and live in distress. I heard a quote the other day from a friend on one of my bad days, "Being angry and bitter is like drinking poison everyday and expecting the other person to be hurt". It really helped me put many things into perspective. Being upset and jealous are natural human emotions and yes as a birth mother you are going to feel these things, but if I let them consume my life I am doing no one any good and only myself harm.

I was trying to find a good picture for this post and so I decided to search the word birth mom and see what came up. I found the picture above and fell in love with it. For those that made the decision to choose adoption, we gave our children all we could do for them at the time, no matter how you feel now just remember that. You gave them more than you thought you could at the time. Love conquers all.

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Acceptance

I did really well right after my daughter was born. I went back to school about two months after I had her and lost 50 pounds in five months through diet and exercise. I felt great and loved my new found freedom and getting my life back. Then one day it all hit me. I was just plain sad. I had never let myself truly grieve for what had taken place. I saw a therapist at my school and slowly I got better again. Through everything though I have never regretted my decision to place, and for that I am thankful. I grieved my lost motherhood. I grieved not being able to be her mom, but I knew that she was where she was meant to be. I wanted her to be happy more than I wanted myself to be happy, because honestly that's all that really matters.

For everyone out there who is struggling just know that it is okay to ask for help. No matter if its been a month, a year, three years or 34 years after placement, it is okay to let yourself grieve. Do not run from these feelings, they will catch up to you and hit you harder. I know that there are many of us who do regret placing our children, and for you I hope you find peace. You made the best decision you could with the knowledge you had. You put your child first in that moment, and that is the most selfless thing you could have ever done.

This last weekend was mothers day weekend and I know for many of us that is the worst weekend of the year. I woke up and felt an overwhelming sadness, thinking about how my motherhood was gone. But then I realized something. It isn't. I love my daughter and I put her above myself, which is what any mother does. I think about her everyday and miss her when she is not around, just like any mother out there. You are all mothers no matter what a mean spirited person says to you. You deserve every ounce of praise that another mother receives. Love yourself. I hope all of you had a good weekend and received that praise. And if you didn't here it is. Thank you for being so amazing. Thank you for being the best MOTHER you could be for your child. Thank you for bringing an amazing new life into this world.You are loved and honored.

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Being pregnant

There were days where I loved being pregnant and days where I absolutely hated it.  For the first four months of my pregnancy I was sick and had a lot of trouble keeping any food down.  I wanted to die.  The only thing that made it worse was that I was a freshman in college for the first 3 months I was pregnant so that meant I was living in a co-ed dorm sharing a bathroom with about 20 other girls.  Getting up 3 times a night to either pee or vomit is not the way to make new friends.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I knew from the time I found out I was pregnant that I wanted to place.  For me parenting was never an option and I was either going to terminate or do an adoption plan.  I am forever grateful that I chose to go through this amazing journey for my daughter. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I cant imagine my life with out her.

I gained about 50 pounds through out the course of my pregnancy.  I had never felt so bad about myself before.  I felt like a whale and that there was no way anyone would ever find me attractive.  If any of you are out there right now and are feeling this way, just know that it does get better!  I hated my body during pregnancy and even though my body will never 100% be the same, I have learned to embrace my new hips.  You have to love yourself before anyone else can.

Being pregnant is hard and no one will ever try to argue that point.  Being pregnant and making an adoption plan is something not a lot of people are familiar with.  Not only the struggle of being an emotional wreck from hormones, but also being a wreck because of knowing where this journey will take you makes everything harder.  There was one day I was shopping with my amazing sister for dinner.  I couldn't decide between two different foods for dinner so I started to cry right in the middle of the store.  I felt insane!  I felt like I was losing my mind and didn't know how to get it back.  I just wanted to be normal again and something I was never told when I was pregnant was that I will never be that.   I will always be a birth mother.  I will always have a little person on my mind who I care about a million times more than myself.  I wouldn't trade it for the world, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I remember the simple and casual talk to a stranger and how sometimes that would make my day so much worse.  I was asked so many times "When are you due?", "Are you excited?" and "Are you ready to be a mom".  Most of the time I didn't tell these people my plan.  It was none of their business.  I don't know why people just assume that because you are pregnant that everyone deserves to know everything about you.  If you're pregnant right now and struggling to make an adoption plan, just know that it does get better.  There were many nights where I thought I was going to be able to do all of this, nights where I just wanted to go to bed and never have to wake up again.  Just know that I would go through it all over again if it meant giving my daughter the life that she has.  There are so many women out there who have been in your shoes.  I have met so many amazing women through adoption, friends that are for life.


How was your pregnancy?  And if you are pregnant how are you making it through?

Holidays

For most of us the holidays can be the hardest days of the year.  What is supposed to be a time of joy is a time of sadness and mourning the little face we wish we could see on this day.  Usually I do well with the holidays, my adoption experience has been a pretty good one.  I have remained in good contact with the adoptive parents and we are planning our visit for this summer.

This Easter however was a hard one.  I made a big dinner for my roommates and a friend because none of us could go back home.  I couldn't help but imagine the life I would have had.  The "what ifs" are the hardest parts for me.  It's hard not to imagine what could have, or would have, been.  Her birth father and I are still together, which makes it even harder on some days.

I would be cooking Easter dinner and she would be running around in the living room in her little Easter dress.  She might be outside with her daddy searching for eggs in the bushes.  There would be laughter and joy.  But then I come down from that fantasy.  I think about everything else that would be surrounding that.  Would her daddy even be around?  Where would I have got the money for the dinner, for her little dress?  Would we be the midst of some kind of custody battle, something so many of my friends are familiar with.  Where would we even be living, with my mother in a tiny apartment?

Its hard to get past those what ifs.  And when you do its even harder to imagine the reality of them.  Its easy to think about how amazing life would be with your child, but its hard for me to imagine how hard things would be.

I know that for me adoption was for the best interest of my daughter.  That doesnt make this any less difficult.

How do you guys spend the holidays?  What is the hardest part for you?

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Telling everyone

Finding out you're pregnant is the scariest thing in the entire world, even if it is a planned pregnancy.  When I found out I was pregnant I was devastated but the hardest part for me was telling everyone.

I was the first in my family to go to school, and my second quarter in I found out I was pregnant by a guy I barely knew.  I almost immediately knew I wanted to do adoption.   I considered terminating for quite a while, but by the time I was 8 weeks along I knew I wanted to do adoption.  Parenting was never an option for me.  I didn't want to continue the cycle of unplanned pregnancy and struggling to make ends meet, my daughter deserved so much better than that.

My mother found out I was pregnant in an interesting way.  I made an appointment with a doctors back home because my plan was to go back home for the pregnancy and return back to school after placement.  I gave the doctors my moms address and they sent an appointment reminder in the mail.  My mom received it and opened it, saying she thought it was going to be a bill.

I was kind of relieved that she found out that way, I didn't have to look her in the eyes and tell her I was pregnant, but I still had to tell her about the adoption.  She took it pretty well in the beginning, but later on in the pregnancy she did everything she could to try to get me to parent.

Telling my friends was a really hard thing to do.  I was friends with all of the "crazy" kids back home.  We partied, drank and smoke anytime we could.  I was scared that I was going to be left behind in a sense.  I knew that we were going to lose touch and that they wouldn't necessarily be supportive.  I sat them all down and told them I was pregnant and doing an adoption.  Everyone was in shock, but generally supportive.  I did lose a lot of friends because there were so many things they didn't understand.  Nobody will ever fully understand the life of a birth mom unless they are a birth mom.

Telling the father was also extremely difficult.  I called him and told him over a six minute long phone call.  He told me that he was scared and he didn't want to be a father.  I told him that I was planning on terminating and he made me promise that I wasn't going to keep the baby.  I was 18 and he was 19, we were too young and too dumb to try and make it work.  When I told him a few weeks later I wanted to do an adoption, he was extremely upset.  He didn't like the thought of a child out there with his DNA.  He was scared that I would change my mind and then he would be stuck raising a baby with me.  There are so many fears in the beginning and now two years after finding out I was pregnant, it's crazy to think about how uncertain everything was.  I wish there was a way I could tell my younger self that everything was going to be okay and that E was going to have the best life I could ever imagine for her.

If you are in the beginning of your journey, just know that it gets better.  And whatever the decision you make for you and your child will be the right one for you. 

How did you tell everyone you were pregnant or that you were considering adoption?  Were they supportive of the pregnancy and your decision?

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Finding Out

Sorry I have been on a little bit of hiatus lately. The stress of school, work, and being a birthmom was a little much for a bit. We all have our bad times, this one just lasted a few weeks. I am doing 100% better now and I feel better than I have in a long while.

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. That day was March 5th 2013. It was probably one of the hardest days of my entire life, besides placement day. I was a freshman in college and my period was a little over a week late. I had taken a test 3 days before and it was negative, so this test was just the last one I was going to take to convince myself that I wasn't pregnant and that it was just stress from school. But oh was I so wrong. At first the test wasnt working so I put it away to go to class. I thought it was a dud. When I came back from class I saw those two little pink lines that changed my life forever.

I feel like you make up hypothetical situations as a woman. I would always say "if I ever got pregnant.. blah blah blah" and tell some line about how I was never going to have children. But when that white stick comes back positive, everything that you ever knew goes out the window. I knew my life was going to change no matter what that meant. Those three options are all you can think about.
I barely knew the father and I knew what his stance on the pregnancy was. I have always been pro choice but just something about termination just didn't sit right with me. I would never tell another woman what to do with her body, but I just didn't want to do that. And today a little over two years after finding out, I could not be happier with my decision to continue my pregnancy and give my baby the best life I could give her. I am still pro choice but I love that little girl so much and I couldn't imagine my life without her in it.

As women we need to be there for each other, no matter what that means. I had my best friend in my life who was able to help me. I can never thank her enough for that. Groups like these are amazing and are so much help when you need it. I have connected with so many amazing people through adoption and I am so thankful for all of them. 

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Movie reviews

Recently I have found myself becoming a lot more interested in the way adoption and birth mothers are portrayed in the media. For the most part it isn't that good. So as often as I can I try to find and watch as many movies as I can that have any link to adoption.

I have seen two movies that really stuck with me. Mother and Child and Philomena.

Mother and Child is a movie that involves three stories that intertwine. A birth mother who placed her daughter 37 years ago in a closed adoption, a woman who was adopted at birth and a young couple trying to adopt a baby. The stories are all interesting and for the most part I found that the characters were believable. It is easy to relate to most of them. There were moments however that I got a little lost and I felt like they went a weird direction with the characters. I would recommend this movie if you are ever bored and want something to do,  however I would not recommend going out of your way to see this movie. I did cry just to warn you but I am also a very sensitive person, especially about any kind of adoption story.

Philomena is an amazing movie. It is about a woman who was forced into placing her young son up for adoption. He was basically taken from her and 50 years later she decides that she wants to find out what happened to her son. I feel like talking about it just does not do it any justice. I cried through out the whole thing, just to warn you guys again, but I loved every minute of it. You feel her pain and you know where she is coming from. The feeling of just wanting to know that your child is okay. The actors do an amazing job showing the real raw emotion and the ugly side of closed adoptions. Did I also mention that this movie is a true story? It makes me want to cry just thinking about it! Philomena is a must see movie for anyone and it is definitely a must see for us birth moms!

For me watching movies about adoption helps me. It helps me to see other stories, even if they are not true. Birth mothers are not always painted in a positive light and so it is nice to see movies that paint a picture of the loving and caring birth mom and not the lady who abandoned her baby, because none of us are like that.  I hope that one day we can make our story known more and then adoption won't be as taboo to talk about.

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Visits

Hello there everybody!

I have been very busy these last few weeks with school and work and somehow in all the chaos I got to have an amazing visit with my daughter who just turned one last month.

This was my third visit since she was born and the weeks and days leading up are always nerve wracking. It has been about seven months since our last one, so we were all pretty nervous. This time the visit was going to be even more stressful because it was going to be a lot larger. My boyfriend and I were going to be accompanied by my mother and his mother. The plan was that our parents could meet her at a coffee shop for a little while and then my boyfriend, the adoptive parents, E and I could go to an aquarium.

Our parents have been very flip floppy on this whole adoption. My mother started out crazy and by the birth she understood my decision. My boyfriend's mother started out extremely supportive and then by the end was going crazy. She oh so conveniently forgot that she was not going to be able to go to the aquarium with us and she would have to leave after the coffee shop. She has had a lot of these moments in the last year and somehow she can make everything about her. I'ts frustrating and I could go on about that for days, but I won't bore you guys with that.

We ended up having an amazing visit. Of course there were a few bumps in the road with my boyfriends mom pretty much demanding that we open the presents with E instead of having her open them later. Anyone who has visits understands how scary and nerve wracking it can be. I never want to do anything to make her adoptive parents uncomfortable because they are her parents and even though we have a contract, they are the ones who help make the visits and the pictures happen.

My boyfriend's mom didn't make a scene and after some uncomfortable small talk we all felt comfortable. We got to take her out to an amazing day of fun and I got to see my eyes and lips on another little person. It is an amazing feeling to see yourself in someone else in pictures, but seeing this in person after waiting so long is indescribable.


Open adoption for me is amazing but I know that there are so many of us out there who never had that option. We all made the choices we thought were right at the time so you should never make yourself feel upset. My new philosophy for life is "everything happens for a reason". I am not religious so saying this makes me feel good at the end of the day.When I saw my daughter I knew that this placement and her birth had all happened for a reason. She was meant to be here and they were meant to be her parents.

I am wishing you guys all a happy and healthy new year!

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"Who is That?"

For any of us birth moms who receive pictures of our children it is hard to not want to show the whole world the amazing pictures that can help us get through a hard day. My phone screen saver has been my daughter since the day she was born and I know that it will most likely remain that way for a very long time. I don't think much of it because most often the person looking at my phone is me, so I never have to explain anything, and the friends who do look at my phone already know about my daughter.

The other day in one of my classes I was talking to a girl who I am casually friends with. We talk about class and homework and have hung out a few times but we definitely have not reached the point where I would bring up my daughter. Today I sat down in class and when I checked the time on my phone my screen saver was on and she saw  the picture of my daughter and said "Aw, who is that?". Honestly at the moment I was so upset that I had that picture up, I didn't really want to go into about the adoption and everything 3 minutes before my classed started but I didn't want to make up a lie and say she was a niece or something. In the back of my mind I also knew that this girl is raising her boyfriends daughter and she often complains about how the biological mom is a deadbeat. Having all this in mind, it made me very intimidated to talk about my story with her because I was
scared she would also label me as a deadbeat or someone who didn't care for my daughter.

I took a few seconds to answer and then I just said "Shes my birth daughter, I placed her for adoption last year and she is with a really amazing family." And of course after I said that there were a million more questions I could see that were about to explode out of her mouth. Most of them were understandable like "How long ago was it?", "How old is she?" and grew more ignorant with questions im sure some of us had heard  "Are you still with the father?" "Why?",  "Was it hard?". Honestly in the moment I wanted to scream at her. Of course it was hard, it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. What kind of a person do you think I am?

The ignorant questions from some people are extremely difficult to deal with. Sometimes I wish people could just think about things a little longer before they say them. I understand the questions, I would probably have questions too had I not been a birth mom. I cannot wait for the day where telling someone you're a birth mom isn't followed by a million personal questions about yourself and the situation.

Have you ever been in a similar situation? What kind of questions have you heard?

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Guilt

November is my daughters birth month and it is also national adoption month so needless to say, it has been a rough couple of weeks.  Most of the time I am happy go lucky and can see the light in most situations, but lately I have been feeling something I am not used to feeling, Guilt. Guilt about placing my daughter.

I have been having those moments of “I could have done it” or “What if I tried harder?”.

When I was pregnant and considering adoption guilt was never something I thought I would be feeling after the birth of my daughter. I knew I would be sad and emotional, but guilt was never something I considered. I still know that I did what was best for my child, there was no way I could have provided the stable and loving home that she deserved. We would be struggling everyday just to keep our heads above water and logically I know that adoption was the best thing that could have happened for her. Those what ifs are the most difficult things to get by. Your head says one thing but your heart feels another. 

I decided to write about this to let any other birth moms out there who feel the same way that they are not alone. This journey is hard and there are so many different emotions that we feel, and none of them are wrong. I love my daughter and think of her often, as we all do. And guilt, along with many other emotions are just a natural part of the grieving processes.

I was recently talking with my best friend about how i was feeling and she helped me come to a realization. The grass is always greener on the other side. Had I parented my daughter and struggled through life with her I would always think that maybe had I placed her she would have a better life. I placed my daughter so now I am dealing with the other side of this battle. 

The most important thing to remember is that you did what you thought was best for you and your child. You love them and nothing that happens will ever change that bond. 

How have you dealt with emotions such as guilt? What other ways have you felt that you maybe did not expect to feel?

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The First Birthday

My daughters first birthday is coming up later this week and let me tell you, it has been a strange month. I’d like to think that I have been doing pretty well over this last year. Yes, I have cried when I needed to cry and yes I have been in touch with my emotions and yes I have had bad days when I didn't want to get out of bed, but all in all I have had a pretty good year. I returned to school and got my very first job. I am at peace with my decision and I know I did the best I could have done under the circumstances, but this last month has been so hard. Every time I think about her upcoming birthday I want to cry. I am sad that she is growing so fast and that it feels like yesterday that she was rolling around in my belly keeping me up all night. I have just been plain sad these last few weeks.

 Even during my pregnancy I never had a time like this where I was just sad. It has taken some getting used to and after talking to several other birth moms I realized that sometimes this is just the way you are going to feel. There will be times of the year that are just harder than others.  Everyone grieves differently and for me it took a year before I was feeling this level of sad. Trust me I was devastated in the beginning during those first few weeks and leaving the hospital with nothing in my arms, but that didn't last long because only 8 weeks after placing I returned to school 3 hours away from home and was able to keep my mind a little busy.

But now as this first year comes to a close I have been feeling emotions I didn't quite know was possible.  And for those of you, who are also in their first year; don’t let anyone ever make you feel bad for how you are feeling. Honestly this really applies to any birth mother out there, but if you feel like you have to cry everyday then do it. If you don’t feel like you need to cry, then don’t. Grieve in your own way. Every adoption is different and so is every birth mother.

This last year has taught me that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We are all strong women who have made it through one of the hardest things we will have to. We survived and we are thriving. I am proud of every woman on birth mom buds who has made it through one of the hardest journeys in life. 

We have made plans to facetime on her birthday with her and her parents, even though she is only a year old and she most likely wont sit still for long, I am so excited to see how big she is. Just seeing her for a minute on her birthday would make me feel so happy and relieved to see how far we have come in the past year.  And I will be sure to let everyone know how this "visit" goes.

How did you handle your child's first birthday and the first year after placement? How did you grieve? Were you able to contact or speak with your child? 

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Jealousy

Recently I found out that an acquaintance of mine from high school was pregnant and considering adoption. When I found this out I reached out and told her my thoughts and opinions and gave her my support in whatever decision she made. It was even weirder that we had the same due date (only a year later) and she was also having a girl. I felt happy that for once I might actually be able to talk to and know someone else who was a birth mom. A few months later she had changed her mind and decided to parent her baby. I don't know why it had such a profound effect on me. I am a huge advocate for a woman making the right decision for herself whatever that decision may be. This weekend she gave birth to a healthy baby girl a few weeks early. Seeing the pictures just about broke my heart. It was hard to even look at them. I was so jealous that she had her daughter and was going to take her home from the hospital. She was going to do everything I wish I could do but was not able to at the time. I felt crazy for feeling this way because to be honest I was never really close with this girl in the first place, but I felt so devastated by watching this girls story unfold on Facebook. I kept thinking that it wasn't fair. I wanted to hold my baby and take her home from the hospital and raise her but I was in no place to do so at the time, and it hurt to watch this girl almost exactly a year later who was going to parent.

I spent most of my weekend upset and it just didn't make a lot of sense to me and I felt so crazy I didn't want to tell any of my friends or family about how I was feeling. I know I am not the first birth mom out there to experience jealousy but this was the first time I had experienced it in such a strong way. I wanted to be happy for this girl but it felt impossible for me. I felt terrible in so many different ways this weekend. I have had some time to think and I know that these are just more issues that we birth moms have to deal with and something I am going to have to work on in my life too. I know that the decision I made was right for my daughter and I, and I have to respect that she made the right decision for her. I wouldn't trade the life my daughter has for anything.

What have your experiences with jealousy been like? Is it harder to deal with new babies in your own family?

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Birth Grandparents

Depending on your situation telling your parents that you are pregnant and considering adoption can be one of the hardest steps in the process. My mother actually found out I was pregnant without me telling her. I had already made an appointment with a a doctor and had planned to tell her when I came home from school. When I came back to visit I was so nervous to tell her. I thought that she was going to explode, I was the first child to go to college and here I am 7 months later telling her I am pregnant by a guy I barely know.

When I returned home she pulled me aside and asked me why she had received an appointment reminder from an OBGYN in the mail that was addressed to me. I was in such shock I didnt know what to say. She went on to ask if she was going to be a grandmother. That moment broke my heart because I already knew in my heart that adoption was the right choice for me. At first she was angry and for the next 9 months there was always tension about the baby. I heard the same things that some birth mothers hear from their parents.  She wanted me to keep the baby or let her raise the baby. Wanting to make your parents proud and listen to their advice is a normal part of being human and it is extremely difficult when your parents are against one of the hardest decisions in your life.

I love my mom but there was no way I was going to let her raise my child. I wanted E to have the life I never could. I wanted her to grow up in a home that felt whole, not broken. I wanted her to have a mom and dad that loved her and had all of the resources that we didn't have. It was hard explaining to the woman who raised you that you didn't want her raising your child. She took it personally and felt as though I didn't think she was a good mother. Most of my pregnancy I felt like I was more worried about my mothers feelings than my own.

Now that my daughter is almost a year old, things have calmed down. My mom loves and appreciates that I send her my picture updates when I receive them and we are planning on including my mom in a visit sometime soon.  She realizes the reasons I made my decision and we no longer hold anything against each other. Time heals all wounds.

If you are pregnant, I highly recommend telling your parents before they find out another way. This way you have your chance to tell them why you are considering adoption for your baby. Being able to tell your parents how you feel and why you feel that way is the best way to start this journey.


How did your parents react when you told them about your pregnancy/adoption plan? How has it effected your relationship in the long run?
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A New Normal

Returning to life after the birth and placement of your child can be an extremely difficult process. For some women it can seem impossible. It has been almost a year since the placement of my daughter and for everyone out there who has recently placed, I can tell you that it does get better. It takes a while and it is a difficult journey,  but time does help you heal some.

I returned to school 8 weeks after the birth of my daughter. I was in college when I found out I was pregnant and since my due date was in the middle of fall quarter i decided that taking one quarter off school was a sufficient amount of time to take off. In some ways I am thankful I only took  a short amount of time off of school, but in other ways I wish I had taken more time.

I was kept really busy with school, friends and activites and it helped take my mind off of things, which can be really nice after the placement of your child. It is a constant thought in the back of your mind and having something else to take up your time is really nice.

It was hard though, because it also felt as though I didnt have a sufficient amount of time to grieve before leaving home and heading to a school 3 hours away. All the friends I had knew about the adoption when I returned to school and I kept feeling that they didn't know how to react or talk to me. I felt like there was an elephant in the room when I was around.

I had gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy and so I returned to the gym once I went back to school. I loved working out because it took my stress away and I was able to think about whatever I wanted to, I could be alone with my thoughts. I recommend working out and exercising to every birth mother. Its an amazing way to stay busy and healthy.

In most ways your life will never be the same way it was before. You have to find a new normal in life. Looking at pictures of my daughter has become a daily activity but also just thinking about her is a big chunk of my time. I don't let it consume me in the ways it has before and I don't cry every time I think about her or see a picture, but there are still days that I do. And the one thing I have learned over the past year is that it's okay to cry. It's okay to hurt and take as much time as you need to grieve the loss. It is your right to take 8 weeks off, 6 months, or however much time you feel is right before returning to school or work or anything else you have going on in your life. Just remember to love yourself no matter what. Placing a child is one of the most difficult things you will do in your life and only you can decide how much time you need before returning to your new normal.

How long did you wait before returning to school or work? What is your new normal and how do you cope with the everyday struggles?

Related Article: Finding your New Normal 

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Picking a Family

Deciding on a family is one of the hardest parts of the adoption process. I know for some birthmoms before adoptions became more open there wasn't even a choice in who your child went to. I am thankful because we now have a choice in who our children are raised by.

I absolutely love the family I chose. They are amazing people who had been on a long road of loss and infertility. They lost two little girls both at 21 weeks. They had been trying for years and when I met them I knew they were the ones. We had met another family but I just had a feeling about them. We were so similar on so many aspects. They reminded me of the kind of people I want to grow up to be.  

 We had two meetings with both families before coming to a decision.  On our second meeting  we spent hours talking. We all just got a long so well so fast, A and J were just the right people for us. A mentioned that she had a dream the other night and they decided that if they were to adopt she really liked the name E because it was the same name of a little girl in a dream she had. It was a jaw dropping moment for me because the only name I had liked when I was pregnant was the same name! We had come up with the same name without even knowing it. I knew then that it was just meant to be. 

My best advice for interviewing families and meeting them is to just breathe. It can be extremely nerve-wracking but just imagine how nervous they are! I also suggest coming to the meeting with a list of questions you want to ask. It might seem kind of awkward to have a physical list but it really helped me ask all of the questions I wanted to ask.. Another suggestion that made it a lot easier for me was to bring my adoption agent with me for the first meetings. It was nice to have someone there to help keep the conversation flowing if there was ever an awkward moment. It is also an opportunity to help ask questions that I might have felt uncomfortable about asking. It also might help to meet over a meal or coffee if possible, its a conversation starter and I think that everyone out there loves to eat! Take your time meeting the families, it is a very important decision that only you can make!

What concerns did you have when deciding on a family? What helped you make a decision? What advice would you give to someone trying to decide on a family?

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