She is the most amazing girl I have ever seen, and even though I am not sure I truly believe it myself, I feel like deep down she knows who I am. I know her adoptive parents have told her that she grew in my tummy, but how much of that does a 19 month old really understand. But when I held her against me and when I chased her around the zoo, I felt like there was an unspeakable connection. She knew who I was, or at least felt that I was familiar.
When I was watching her with her mom and dad I couldn't help but feel like an outsider looking in. I saw the little family that I helped create. I saw her look for her mom when she was out of sight. I saw her grab onto her dad and I felt that love between them. They are her parents. It is hard to fully come to terms with something like that. Knowing that no matter how close I am with them, with E, I will never be her mother. She will never call me mom. She wont come cry to me with her boo-boos. I'm not going to hold her when that first boy breaks her heart.
At our visit I had a really important moment with her adoptive mom. A moment that is going to stick with me forever, that helped me discover my place in this ever so complicated relationship of adoption. We were discussing all of the rude comments we get as birth parents and adoptive parents and sharing stories. She told me about how someone asked her how she was going to deal with the dreaded "You're not my real mom" that was bound to happen one day. I cringed at that. I cant stand the thought of E saying that to her mother one day, but we all know eventually it will come. Her mother told me that when she does have those moments when she feels like she doesn't fit in and questions everything, that she is so glad that I was there to hold her hand. She was thrilled that when E gets older and she is having her own crisis that I will be there to help her. She said she was happy that she would have someone there that is an amazing a trustworthy person.