Good Drama

There's a show that was once on television called "Northern Exposure" about a tiny little quirky town
in Alaska.  During the run of the show, the character Shelly gets pregnant.  At her baby shower all the other women are talking about their horror stories and it freaks Shelly out.  So she goes for a walk in the woods and meets Mother Nature.  I said it was a quirky town, remember?  She, Mother Nature, Queen Victoria, and Medea have a big talk about motherhood and how it changes everything in a mother's life.  But Mother Nature makes a very good point.  She tells Shelly that the other women talk about the horror stories so much because "they make good drama.  I mean you never hear about the baby who just popped out."

After being pregnant, giving birth, placing my child for adoption, and then going out into the world to carefully tell my story, I found that people were surprised over and over again.  Most of them had never heard a "good" adoption story.  All they had ever heard were the bad ones.  The ones were there is a fight over the kid, or the kid tries to find his parents only to be rejected, or even just the plot line of the latest Lifetime made-for-TV movie.  Everyone was shocked by my story because it was a good one.  And it continues to be a good one.

At some point, a friend told me once again about how all they ever hear are the bad stories about adoption and that it was so rare to hear about the good ones.  I was badly confused because ever since I placed my child for adoption, I've only heard more and more good stories.  Then I remembered this quote: "they make good drama."  That's when I realized why so many have heard the bad stories, but very few of the good.  It's a very simple reason.  Those stories make good drama.  The stories like mine about the adoptive parents and the birthmother who always get along aren't good drama.  People in general see it as a good reason to still have faith in humanity.  But not much more.  And my story is not fodder for a made-for-TV movie the will have everyone biting their nails and wondering who should get the child.  There was no struggle, there was no last minute change of heart.  My son went from my arms to theirs and that was it.

I still go about and tell my story to many who are often surprised over and over again.  A few have heard good stories or were even part of a good story.  And those people are the best to meet.  But I find they are often few and far between.  Most everyone else has heard the bad stories, the horror stories, the ones that get passed around and around and are eventually accepted as the one and only truth.  Which isn't fair to the many many stories that are good.

I encourage everyone, if your story is good, please tell it.  You'll hear lots of people say how they heard about this terrible story or that.  But just be patient.  Some have just never heard the good stories.  Not their fault.  They're just not considered "good drama."  But that doesn't make them any less viable or any less important.

Forgotten Birthmoms

You know I've been on this kick of trying to find out where the rest of 'us' are. According to research, both mine and others, there are possibly millions of us out there who hold the title of 'birthmom' still living. Yet where are our support services? where are our programs? where is the compassionate response to our grief?

In a traditional, pro-life pregnancy center there are support groups for women who have previously terminated a pregnancy. In those groups they find support, acceptance and hopefully forgiveness for their choice.

In a traditional, pro-life pregnancy center there are support systems in place for women who find themselves unexpectantly pregnant and choose to parent the child. In our local center, for example, ladies can attend classes during their pregnancy that include CPR, labor and delivery and how to care for a newborn. After their bundle of joy arrives, they can stay on for two years to further their parenting education all the while earning points redeemable towards diapers, wipes, formula and clothing.

In that same pregnancy center, there is all kinds of verbal support for adoption. There are referrals to adoption agencies available. And if you're lucky, you may get to talk to someone like me, someone who's been there and can lend support and a listening ear.

But that's it. That's all. No follow up. No rewards. No programming. No two year support group.

So that makes me wonder. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Did the support systems come first making the way easier for single parenting? Or did the era of single parenting come first with the need for support systems following?

And does that apply to adoption? Would it make a difference on the number of children placed if more support systems were offered? Would it increase the number of women willing to come out of the birthmother closet and tell their stories?

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Let's Discuss!

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Occasionally I have the opportunity to speak with other birthmothers to a class of prospective adoptive parents. It's called the Birthparents Perspective Class and serves to show adoptive parents the other side, the birthmother's side. We each spoke about our stories, about the pregnancy, the hospital, the adoption, and everything after the adoption and then we were also are able to take questions such as what we looked for in a family, how to address boundaries, and anything relevant to their own situations.

Personally, I love participating in these events, just as I love blogging about being a birthmother, because it isn't something the general public or even those stepping into the adoption process know much about. So, any chance to educate, to provide a glimpse into the other, oft-forgotten side of adoption is one that I try to take advantage of.

One of the birthmothers wrote such an insightful list of "things every birthmother wants adoptive parents to know". I wish I could share it with you, but instead I'd like to prompt some discussion:

As a birthmother, what are some things you wish every adoptive parent, or everyone not acquainted with adoption, could know?

Step up onto your soapbox ;)

Stop the Stigma

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My grandma sent me a newspaper clipping about the stigma surrounding adoption.

"Birth mothers choose life, and a family, for their child. But this choice is rarely celebrated. Women routinely face family, friends and even health-care providers who think that adoption equals abandonment, according to researchers and conversations with birth mothers.

Birth mothers in the United States each year number in only the thousands, compared with approximately 1.2 million abortions performed annually, according to Guttmacher Institute estimmates, and 1.4 million unexpected unwed births each year. Women bucking the cultural tide generally do not publicize their choice. They are much more willing to admit they have terminated a pregnancy, adoption advocates say, than to say they have placed a live newborn with loving parents."

Now, I'm not here to open up the abortion can of worms. 

And I'm not here to say choosing to parent your child is a lesser decision.

I am here to simply educate about the option of adoption. The article goes on to describe the fact that many women don't consider adoption because it's just never presented to them as an option. Many times women may think parenting and abortion are their only choices. Of those who are aware of adoption, many hold the old prejudices that adoption is abandonment, is selfish, is damaging and therefore don't consider it a legitimate choice.

And as the article said, and as some of us know very intimately, birth mothers often don't go publicizing their decision because of that stigma.

But it may be that they only way to slowly turn that stigma around and to inform expectant mothers of the third route is for birth mothers to make their voice known - about the benefits of adoption for all involved, about the reality of the difficulties after placement, about the many stereotypes and misinformation that is spread about birthmothers, adoptees and choosing to place a child.

How do you feel about being a voice for adoption? Have you met any of this stigma? What have you done to educate others about the third choice?

Hard Love

One of my main goals for telling my story is to change the perception of adoption. Unfortunately, unplanned pregnancies happen. Why is the main stream so tied to Parenting vs Abortion? Why is there so much shame and stigma towards Adoption?

I believe I knew in the beginning, while still pregnant that I was not equipped to parent my son and provide for him as he deserved. But, I fell into the trap thinking that my choices were parent or abort to be accepted by those in my life. If I had an abortion no one had to know. And, well, if I parented then “I stepped up”.

I tried. God knows, I tried. I parented for 2 years, 6 months, and 5 days.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I felt confident that adoption was a viable option from the beginning. I believe the healing process would have been easier had the shame and guilt not hung over me like a cloud on a stormy day for so long.

We, as birthmothers, do not love our children any less. We, as birthmothers, are not looking for a way out from responsibility. This may sound a little self-righteous, but when people look at me in horror when I tell them about the adoption and say things like, “I could never GIVE my child away, I love him too much.” I want to answer back, “Maybe I loved my son MORE than you and that is why I did everything I had to, to make sure he had the best life possible.” It is not that I truly feel that way. I just cannot grasp why others believe that is what adoption is about.

I was excited when the movie Juno came out. Finally a movie about a birth mom. They did a good job, overall. But, I was angry. I was angry that they did not show an accurate portrayal of the roller-coaster this teen mom would go through. I had not heard of the movie that Natasha just reviewed, Like Dandelion Dust, but I'm disgusted with the portrayal of that movie as well. 

Adoption is HARD, but it also BEAUTIFUL. Adoption is not weak, it is BRAVE. Adoption is not selfish, it is SELFLESS. Adoption is not shameful, it is INSPIRING. Adoption is not indifference, it is LOVE. These are the key words that need to be used when discussing adoption.

No one wants to find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy. None of us want that for our children, family members or friends. But it happens. It will continue to happen. I wish everyone who found themselves in that situation immediately thought parenting or adoption. I may be pro-choice, but I do not believe anyone should feel that is their only choice if they are unable to parent.

I want to educate others to be pro-active regarding adoption. I want the media to build adoption up, not tear it down. I want us, as birth mothers, to be able to hold our head high, not be tempered by shame or guilt. We chose good things for our children. We planned more promising futures for our children. We should NEVER feel bad for that.  

Choosing Open Adoption

I’ve been thinking a fair amount recently about the reasons one would choose open adoption versus closed. This isn’t an argument for adoption over any other choice. Once the decision is made to choose adoption, whether you are expecting a baby or whether you’re a hopeful parent who has chosen adoption as a way to complete your family, there is a subsequent choice to be made. Do we want open or closed?

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I grew up around adoption. My dad was adopted by his parents at the age of five from foster care. My dad has never been reunited with anyone from his birth family. When he initially expressed curiosity at the age of 40 about meeting his birth family his mom responded so negatively he dropped it. Once she passed away he found out a little more about his birth family and now he’s tormented. He’s tormented with the desire to know his biological relatives but afraid that they might have grown up in negative circumstances and just use him as a paycheck if and when they meet.

If you’ve read anything of my story, you know that my daughter was a complete surprise. I didn’t find out about the pregnancy until the day she was delivered via emergency c-section. My agency caseworker told me that I could have an open adoption and might be able to watch my daughter grow through letters and pictures, so when I said I’d like that I had no other knowledge of why open adoption should exist and the reasons we should choose it.

With the prevalence of open adoption today you would think it would be easy to find reasons to choose open adoption instead of closed. I’ve learned much of what I’ve learned about open adoption from people who are and have been living it. I’ve seen the benefits from all sides of adoption – the birth parent(s), the adoptive parent(s) and even some from adoptees that have grown up in open adoption situations. However, you still have to search for many of these accounts. They’re easily accessible to me now that I’ve immersed myself in adoption the way that I have, but it took me a while to find the stuff. The most valuable resources to me in this search have been personal blogs.

I would like to think if I had the same decision to make over again that I’d do it with much more knowledge of the benefits involved besides just the benefit of being able to watch your child grow. Though that is definitely a benefit, I believe that it shouldn’t be the only benefit considered. We as birthmoms relinquish our children to adoption to give them a chance at a better life than we feel we can provide for them, which is an unselfish choice. If we choose open adoption solely for our own benefit then it focuses that decision for our child’s benefit into a choice for our benefit.

The following are the reasons I would choose open adoption if I had the knowledge back then as I do today:

1. My daughter won’t be tormented, like my father is, thinking that her biological family will find her and try to use her and/or her family someday. She will know without a doubt that my intentions, as well as those of her birthfather and extended birth family, are pure and loving when it comes to both her and her family.
2. My daughter will grow up secure in the knowledge that her parents won’t feel betrayed if she wants to contact me or other members of her birth family at any time.
3. My daughter will grow up with a complete picture of who she is, including both the parts she gets from her biology and the parts that she explores because of her adoptive family’s nurture.
4. I will not live in fear that I made the wrong choice in the family I chose for her because I will know (and do know) that I made a good choice.
5. My daughter will have more than just access to her history of disease as she grows.
6. My daughter’s parents will have the opportunity to love their daughter for everything she is, including the parts she gets from her biological family.

Open adoption is not an easy choice. It comes with days of pain as well as days of pure joy. But I’m glad that I as well as her parents chose and continue to choose an open adoption relationship because it benefits her.

Why would you choose open adoption? Any reasons that I didn’t address?

Agency Adoptions

I was very surprised to recently learn that agency adoptions are on the decline. Instead, expectant mothers considering adoption as well as prospective adoptive parents are finding each other through social networking sites or friends and family members.

Maybe it's my age, but I'm still a firm believer in agency adoption. While expensive for the adoptive family I think a good, ethical agency is on everyone's 'side' and honors the wishes of the birthmother. The fees cover all counseling of the birthparents, all home study and related costs, as well as all legal fees. But probably the biggest service I feel adoption agencies offer is post-placement counseling for the birthmother.

I did have an agency adoption. And my counselor was open to post-placement counseling. But since I was thousands of miles away and Skype and email weren't readily available (I don't think they were invented yet), my only option was communicating with my counselor through handwritten letters. My folks would not hear of me going to a live counselor in our area.

I'm not saying agency adoptions are for everyone and it's important to note that the opinions in this post are solely my own and not the opinions of BirthMom Buds as a whole. I'm curious as to why you wouldn't choose an agency adoption. This is so interesting to me. I would love your feedback including your specific experience and your perceived pros and cons of that choice!

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Education is Key

Television shows this fall seem to be portraying a lot of adoption storylines. Unfortunately, they aren't portraying it the way that it really is and this kind of worries me.

I am a huge fan of the show Glee. In the first season, they did a story line about adoption and I think they did it justice. The characters seemed to go through what we as birth parents go through, such as grieving, and dealing with other people such as parents, peers, and family.

But now that it is season 3, they have brought back that story line, and needless to say, I am not a happy camper about it. In a recent episode. the adoptive Mom tells Quinn (the birthmother) that she wants her to be a part of the baby's life but not until she gets her act together. And at the end of the show Quinn goes back to looking normal (she dyed her hair, dressed inappropriately, was hanging with the wrong crowd, and rebelling as some teens do.) She tells the birth dad "If being blonde, dressing like this, and acting like everything is okay is what I need to do to get my daughter back I'm going to do it. WE are going to get full custody of Beth". 

This line completely made me so mad. She relinquished her rights in season 1 and this is a year and half later. Obviously, her rights would have been terminated by now and she legally wouldn't be able to get her daughter back. I feel like it this is showing us birth mothers in a very bad light and showing the non-educated people of the world, and even hopeful adoptive parents the fears, and adoption in a bad light.

And on another show that I don't watch but have seen the previews for called Parenthood one of the girls that wants to adopt a child says to a teen that is pregnant "Can I have your child?" These lines that they use just makes adoption all around look bad. Now, I can't say I haven't seen a couple of hopeful adoptive parents be forward like that, because I have. But NOT all hopeful adoptive parents are that forward, and they are definitely usually not that rude about it.

I have posted and emailed both networks on the problems with their story lines and how as writers, they obviously had to go to school and are educated people. Yet, before they write a script or lend a hand in the development of a story line they don't educate themselves on adoption law and how adoption TRULY works. I say this because in Glee, legally no matter what Quinn does to her appearance, or the way she acts she will NEVER get her child back. She relinquished her child, and after an adoption is finalized and all her rights are gone I don't believe there is any judge in the world that would overturn the ruling. Also, in most cases, a case worker or social worker for the hospital is present and the birthmother is asked before signing if she is under any duress, been bribed, pressured to sign, etc.

I think it's one of those things that just gets to me because I feel like adoptions have come so far since they first started and now these TV shows are setting us back.  They are showing birthmoms in a bad light and scaring adoptive parents more than they should be.

We as birth mothers aren't perfect, but showing to the world, and even potential birthmothers that they can just go and take their kid back whenever they want isn't right. We need to educate these wome, and also adoptive parents about the way that they act during certain situations. I feel like my main issue here is exploiting adoption as if it's this bad thing, and as if we are bad people. And we are far from bad people.

I understand that these are just television shows, and we should always take them with a grain of salt, but there are people out there that watch these shows religiously and get their information and their education from these shows because they look up to these people as if they, and their situations are real, when they are not. CLEARLY.

I leave you with this, "Who have you educated today?". If you can take one, just ONE person's perspective and give them a small piece of what your adoption story was like, then maybe, just MAYBE we could change the way the world sees adoption. Even if it is just one person at a time.

"Be the HOPE you wish to see in the world, be the CHANGE that changes the world".

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They're Only Words. Right?

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We’ve all heard that saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  So how can words cause so much hurt?  Perhaps words aren’t just words after all.  Perhaps words carry more meaning than we give them credit for and can cause more hurt than even a broken bone can.

I blogged in my personal blog last week about a television producer that was spamming Facebook and Twitter looking for birth moms and their adoptive families to do a documentary about.  They weren’t looking for them post-placement, however.  They were looking to do a show on “expectant birth moms.”  I have a problem with that term.

A woman is not an “expectant birth mom” when she is pregnant, even if she fully intends to place the child she is carrying for adoption.  She is not a birth mom at all until she has signed legal relinquishment papers.  Before that, a pregnant woman is simply a “mom” or “expectant mother.”  When a woman is pregnant, she is legally, emotionally, and physically that child’s mother.  When we place our children with their parents, we don’t call their moms “adoptive mom” or other versions of that term unless we are using that term to delineate their role from ours.  I know that as much as it may hurt sometimes to hear our children call someone else “mom,” we don’t expect them to call us “mom” and the woman who’s raising them something else entirely.  We call a woman a birth mom post-placement to continue to acknowledge the role she has in her child’s life, even if she’s not parenting that child.  Frankly, I need to be called “birth mom.”  I like the acknowledgment, and it makes it impossible to get stuck in the denial phase of grieving.

The other reason I dislike “expectant birth mom” as a term is that it’s coercive to call her that.  Sure, she may not even realize that it’s coercive.  That might not enter into her thinking when she’s making the final decision to place.  But it’s still putting that “seed” in there – the seed of that expectation that she’s going to place, and isn’t worth anything as a mother prior to placement.  You might as well call her a “vessel” or an “incubator.”  Talk about disrespectful terms!

So why is calling an expectant mother a birth mother prior to placement disrespectful to her role and afterward it isn’t?  It’s disrespectful because prior to placement it doesn’t acknowledge the entirety of her role in her child’s life.  As I’ve said previously, she is entirely responsible for raising that child prior to placement.  She has the ultimate decision when it comes to what she does with her body that affects her baby, and every woman makes whatever decisions she makes willingly.  Post-placement, a woman’s role as a mother is diminished, though still important.  Without her, that child would not exist.  That diminished role is hard for a lot of birthmothers to accept, including me, but that’s a topic for another post, perhaps.

Yes, it’s “just” a word.  But words are powerful and come with all sorts of emotions attached to them.

Twenty Five

Twenty five years ago this month I found myself pregnant. Honestly, that completely blows my mind. A quarter of a century? Really? I guess this really is my life.

It's still hard to believe how one decision has had such a far-reaching effect. And even though this is not the life I planned, God has not been surprised by any of it. He doesn't think I messed up. He knew all along the choices I would make. But God continues to love me and accept me and USE my mess ups for his glory.

Once my pregnancy was known, my mom and dad packed me up and looked for somewhere else for me to live. Those were the days of the maternity homes where girls went to visit 'auntie' for awhile only to return home nine months later like nothing ever happened.

My maternity home was comfortable, safe, and very far away from home. While sad and hard to understand, I can easily see now that God had a purpose in it. If my family would have been too close, I would have leaned on them to provide for my needs. As it was, I had no other options but to trust God. And because of that, my own personal faith in Jesus Christ was born.

Closed adoption was never forced on me. I just didn't see any other option. I was young and uneducated. And I had BIG dreams. Dreams of college and career and a family. Someday. When I was married. Way down the road.

So that's my story in a nutshell. I know I'm not alone. According to statistics, there are millions of you out there just like me. Caught in an era of shame and silence when our parents just wanted our children to go away and never to be spoken about again.

I'm Terri and I'll be blogging here on Thursdays so I'll see you next Thursday. I would love to hear from you. Tell me, why is it you have kept quiet for so long?


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Different Types of Adoption

Confused about the different types of adoption? Check out this post on Amy's blog for a great description of each type.

Adoption-ology

As you are educating yourself on adoption you may run across terms that you are unfamiliar to you. Below is a list of some of those terms along with their definitions.

• Adoption decree – Legal order that finalizes the adoption to the adoptive parents
• Birthparents, Birthmother, and Birthfather – Refers to the people who biologically created the child. NOTE: There are also other terms that can be used to refer to a birthmother such as first mom or life mom. Birthmom just happens to be the one most commonly used. Also, you are not a birthmother until you sign relinquishment papers. Until that moment, you are simply an expectant mother considering adoption.
• Closed adoption – Birth parents do not meet the adoptive parents and no contact is maintained after the birth and placement of the child.
• Confidential Adoption - A more up-to-date term for closed adoption.
• Familial adoption – Adoptions in which the adoptive parents and birthparents are related in some way (Also known as kinship adoption, relative adoption, or interfamily adoption.)
• Home study – Assessment of the adoptive parents’ ability to provide a healthy and happy home. All adoptive parents must complete a home study before adopting. The home study includes background checks, doctors’ reports, financial information, etc.. and is conducted by a licensed social worker.
• Open adoption – Refers to adoptions where the birth parents and adoptive parents have met and have some level of ongoing contact with each other. Contact can include letters, pictures, visits, etc. NOTE: In most states, open adoptions are NOT legally enforceable.
• Openness Agreement – Document that states the intended amount of contact in an open adoption between the adoptive parents and the birthparents. NOTE: These are not legally enforceable.
• Relinquishment papers – A legal document that birth parents must sign terminating their parental rights. NOTE: The laws regarding when a parent can sign relinquishment papers vary in each state.
• Semi open adoption – Birthparents and adoptive parents may meet prior to the birth of the child, but typically do not know identifying information about each other. Contact can be maintained through a 3rd party.
• Triad – Term used to describe the 3 parties represented in adoptions: the birthparents, the adoptive parents, and the adopted child.