Biology

 

"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother"

I came across a pendant on Etsy inscribed with this quote, which I believe was originally from Oprah Winfrey (though I don't know the context in which she said it). The piece of jewelry was obviously targeting mothers who were adopting, but it left a sting and a desire to write about it.

Mothers who fall outside the traditional definition of motherhood often need a lot of comfort and support, whether they're stepmoms, birthmoms, adoptive moms, single moms, etc. As a birthmom, I needed to hear the opposite of what this pendant proclaimed: I am a mom. My decision was not loveless or selfish. And there is a love, motherly love and mother-child bond that is significant and should be acknowledged.

I understand that this thought is often voiced when we look at biological fathers and mothers who were absent in their children's lives emotionally, physically. There are so many unfortunate cases of both fathers and mothers who abandon their children, not in the context of adoption, but with cruelty and disinterest. Or perhaps more subtly, providing for their children physically and financially, but never showing their love or support, never truly developing a relationship.

But this is hardly the story I've heard when I talk to birthmothers. They don't choose to carry their child, often with social and familial shame, find a stable, loving family to provide for him, and choose to bear the burden of loss so that both they and their child can have a better chance at opportunity and change, because of neglect or selfishness. Birthmothers don't abandon their children, and they don't need to to be further shamed by others who belittle the importance of biology and what the mother of that child endured.

Adoptive parents are wonderful, special, essential people. I am beyond grateful for my son's parents, and so many adoption stories of those I know just warm my heart because of the genuine love and care and desire they have for these children in need. They are absolutely mothers and fathers - biology doesn't exclude them from that significant name.

And I recognize that because of the limited understanding of many in our society, they unfortunately run into hurtful comments that seem to segregate them from "real" parents. They certainly face many hardships from others due to ignorance, much like birthmothers.

So, what I wish I could see more of is support for both sides, education for both sides and comfort to both. But, not at the expense of others.

I don't wish to magnify birthmothers over parenting mothers or adoptive mothers or to cruelly crush the importance of someone else in order to make a case for whatever role I identify with.

And adoptive mothers, or stepmothers, don't have to degrade biology to prove the legitimacy of their family and their role.

Let's educate, let's use facts, show a loving example of who we are - whether a family brought together by love or a parents getting on their feet after choosing adoption - without crushing those opposite us.

Have you heard comments that you found hurtful as a birthmother? How do you react?

The Baby

Hello friends! I hope you are seeing signs of spring wherever you are. It's only been a week since our last snowstorm here in Kansas, so I'm hopeful but realistic.

This birthmother journey is so interesting. I am learning so much even 26 years down the road. Who would have thought this girl had it in her to change?

I met a friend in Target yesterday and as we were catching up, I asked about The Baby.......
The Baby they had been promised.
The Baby they had been allowed to take home from the hospital.
The Baby whose mother changed her mind after a week and is now parenting her.
That baby.

The mother is unable to provide food or shelter or clothing for that baby.
The mother is unable or unwilling to work to make money to support them, so they lean on everyone else to do it for them.

So for now, their church, their community organizations and her father are all pulling together, working and supplying the needs for that baby and her mother.

But my friend said the baby looks happy and until such time as the support system fails, they will be ok.

I really don't know what I think about that. I used to have such strong opinions, but now the whole situation makes me sad. Sad for the baby. Sad for the mother. And sad for my friends who are wanting to provide a home for a child who needs one.

How about you?

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My "Game Face" Might Need Some Fine-Tuning

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There are countless things I never thought twice about before getting pregnant and placing my daughter. Countless things I never took offense to and couldn't imagine why I would. Things I never wondered about, things I took for granted. I never knew how hurt I could be by seeing a mother and her children out shopping together or a father holding hands with his little girl while walking down the street. Are these people hurting ME intentionally? No, of course not. So why do these instances hurt me more than say a childish classmate in 8th grade who was purposely targeting and making fun of me? It seems crazy, but it's all too true.

I have a coworker who I have gotten close to over the past couple of months. She is around my age but she is married and her life is completely the opposite of mine in many ways. We have always gotten along great, but now that I am approaching my one year anniversary of being with the company, I have gotten to know my coworkers very well, some more so than others. She happens to be someone I am close with. She always offers great advice for me and she knows the whole story about my daughter and is familiar with most of the pieces of the "puzzle" that is my child's birth father. She has suggested many good ideas when it comes to dealing with situations that arise (for example, her birth dad calling me out of the blue wanting pictures after I told him to stop contacting me and she also helped me construct a letter expressing my feelings rationally to my daughter's adoptive mom when she had blown us off for Skype twice in a row).

Anyways, let me get to the point (hahaha). She chatted me today via the program we have at work and said "GOOD NEWS! :)" so I asked her what was going on. She told me she and her husband got accepted into an adoption program. Now, I knew that she had been interested in adopting from the start, but we never talked about it too much, aside from me telling her how utterly important it is to keep promises to the birth mom and just giving her some insight to "our" side of the adoption world. For whatever reason, when she told me that, it was like a knife in my gut. Thankfully, we were talking on the computer, so she couldn't see my face. I acted happy  - and don't get me wrong - I am happy for her, but it was tough to be excited. I almost felt like she was going to come take my baby from me. I realize how crazy that sounded, but hearing that she is in the process of adopting made me think of my pregnant self, and her coming to pick my baby up from the hospital. It was an irrational thought, but it stuck with me throughout the day. She went on to tell me about the hopeful adoptive parents' side of the process, and she went into a lot more detail than I would have liked. Then, she walked over to my desk and talked about it some more. I feigned happiness, but again, it was hard. She was not trying to be insensitive, she is not that kind of person. She is one of the only people I talk about deeper stuff with, and I am one of the only ones that she does as well, so it's just the relationship we have. But part of me was thinking, "can't she put two and two together and realize that I may not want to carry on with this conversation?"

Do you ever have to try to distance yourself from your own feelings and try to put on your "game face" for the sake of a friend. I, personally, am dreading the day any of my close friends announce a pregnancy.

The Gift of a Child

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about children as gifts and the implications it has for those of us who relinquish those same children.  I’m not arguing that children aren’t gifts.  I believe all children are gifts to those that are fortunate enough to be involved in their lives, and I don’t think you’ll find a single parent, birth parent or otherwise, that would disagree with me.

The hazard with thinking of children as gifts, however, comes when we think of them as gifts to give another family.  I believe I’ve said before how strongly I feel that children have families already when they are conceived.  You as a pregnant woman were your child’s family even if no other biological relative wanted to be involved.  When you signed away your legal rights to that child that did not mean that you signed away your motherhood as well.  No legal document can ever diminish the fact that you are still family to that child.  You are still that child’s mother.

When we choose a family for our child and subsequently sign away parental rights to that child, we are not giving that family the gift of a child.  We are giving our child the gift of an additional family that is better equipped to raise him or her than you feel you are at the time.

I’ve spoken on my own blog several times of the importance of adoption as a whole needing to be focused on the child and not focused on the parents.  That doesn’t mean no support is needed at all for the parents involved.  What it does mean is that we support the parents of that child by focusing on that child.  I’ve heard this attitude described as “finding a home for every child” instead of “finding a child for every home.”  That says it so completely and correctly.  When we consider ourselves as giving a gift of a child to the adoptive family, we’re “finding a child for every home.”  We’re not finding a home for that child.  Our focus is put on the hopeful adoptive family instead of on that child.

I’m not saying that we can’t or shouldn’t look at the positives for the family that is adopting our child as well.  In my own situation, though I didn’t choose Mack’s parents for their happiness, it does make me happy that they’re happy with my daughter.  I still did not place Mack with them for their happiness.  It was a side benefit as I like to see my “gifts” appreciated.  If Mack grows up surrounded by an adoptive family that love her and take wonderful care of her, then the gift I gave to her will truly be realized and fulfilled.  It will make me happy seeing that she likes the gift I gave to her.  It will make me happy to see her contentment with the family that I chose.

I’ll close with this thought.  It’s okay to think of your child as a gift.  Mack was and is a wonderful, life-changing gift.  But when you give your child an additional family, don’t let yourself fall into the trap of thinking you’re giving the gift of your child to those people.  Think of yourself as giving the gift of an additional, more-prepared family to your child.

Can Your Pain Help Others?

Remember that woman I told you I ran into at work and had a great conversation with? I hadn't really seen her since, until today. We bumped into each other in the cafeteria (by bumped into each other, I mean I saw her and ran up to say hi. She's become one of my favorite people!) and walked back to our respective office areas together. She asked me how I was doing, and I told her I was doing well. Then she said, "how are you really doing?" which had an underlying tone of "how are you doing when it comes to missing you daughter?". I appreciated her questioning me, because most people accept "fine" as an answer or don't care to dig deeper. Sometimes, I'm fine with that. Sometimes, I don't want to talk about it. Others, I do. When it's coming from a place of real concern and care, I appreciate people asking questions like that.

Anyways, I told her I was doing okay, hadn't gotten any photos of my little girl in a few weeks but overall I am doing well. I asked how her girls were and she lit up while talking about them. I know some people (ignorantly) say 'you can never love a child that you didn't birth yourself as much as you can love one you adopted,' but that, my friends, is very untrue. How anyone could hear the happiness in this woman's voice when she talks about her daughters and make a statement such as that is beyond me.

She asked me to refresh her memory on how far along I was in school. I told her, and she asked me what I was majoring in. Behavioral Science. She asked me if I wanted to work with adoption in any way, shape or form - did I want to be a social worker, a counselor, go into foster care? I told her I'd always thought about being a psychologist or counselor, and only recently thought about working with adoption. It really got me to thinking. I don't think I'd ever work directly under an agency - for many personal reasons. I would, however, love to work with expectant moms who are considering adoption or women and men who have recently placed.


My co-worker told me that sometimes, the best advice-givers are those who have been through it themselves. I must agree with her. At times, I feel having a career centered around adoption might be too emotionally taxing. Even now, I can't read too much about it on the internet; I can't partake in too many discussions without being overwhelmed and just wanting to "shut off." But at the same time, I feel the best person to empathize and understand the struggles that these girls and women (and boys and men) are going though would be someone who has walked in similar shoes.

What do you think? Do you think having a career centered around guiding and understanding others would be too hard on you (if it was a sensitive subject, such as adoption, addiction, abuse, etc) or do you think those who have "been there" are the best helpers, because they truly understand? Do you think it's a good idea to use your past experiences to help others in the future?

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Chance Encounters

I had the privilege of meeting a wonderful woman last week. We were let out of work early for the 4th of July and I happened to be walking out of the door to the stairwell at the same time she was. I held the door open, and as she passed through, she said, "I have to ask now just because I'm curious...what does your tattoo say?" I explained that it was my daughter's birth date and that it read "always in my heart." She said "oooh," but I could hear in her voice that she wanted to ask what happened, but didn't think fit was her place. I said, "she was adopted at birth, so I got this as a way to honor her." She thought I meant that I myself had adopted her, and went on to tell me about how she adopted both of her daughters, too. I told her that I actually had given birth to her, but placed her for adoption with another family. The woman (who I will call Katie, even though that isn't her real name) looked as if she was about to cry. She said she had never met or had a conversation with another birthmom outside of the two adoptions she took part in, and I told her that I had, in fact, never talked with another adoptive mom, other than my daughter's, face-to-face, either.

We talked for a while...maybe about thirty minutes...and she asked me what led to my choice to place my little girl, etc. The questions she asked would have sounded invasive had they come from anyone else, but I could tell she was truly interested and not judging me one single bit. She asked me how her birthdad and I came to choose the family we did; what qualities did they have, was he on board with me, etc. She shared with me that her two adopted girls were also biracial and they have an open adoption with one girl's birth family but not the other (apparently it was the birth family's choice - this adoption also took place eleven years ago, when things were a little different).

By the end of the conversation, we were both in tears and she concluded that we both needed a hug. It was an amazing conversation and was even more extraordinary because I have passed this woman in the halls many times and had no idea who she was. I work in a very large corporation, so I am bound to be unaware of who 50% of the people working there are. Our entire meeting simply struck me, though, because I was in such a rush to leave because we had an early dismissal but after meeting her and hanging around and talking,  I started to wonder why everyone (or the majority of people) are always in a hurry to rush every aspect of their lives. I was in a rush....to do what? Enjoy being out early, of course, but what would I have done? Come home and read? Sit on the computer? I wanted to beat the traffic, but had I left, I would have missed out on an extremely touching conversation. I'm glad that I didn't.

I will leave you with what she told me when we parted ways: she told me that she knows it's probably hard for me right now, and always will be, but that I should be sure that my daughter will always be loved by so many people. She said that my daughter will very likely love me for what I did for her and also told me that if I'm ever feeling down to just remember that I am an angel, and that people like me are the reason she gets to be a parent to two beautiful girls.

She's right. Not to toot my own horn, but she is right. In my personal case, everyone in the adoption triad is an angel. My daughter's adoptive parents are angels for raising her the way I always imagined she would be raised. Her birth father and I are, in a way, angels to her adoptive family for giving her life and giving them a new meaning of life in her. And last but definitely not least, our daughter is an angel to everyone single one of the lives she has touched, not only through her adoption, but just for being part of this world.

I wanted to be sure to share that last part with you all - whether you are a birth parent, adoptive parent, foster parent, or adoptee - I really believe you are all angels!

Have you ever had a touching conversation with someone on the opposite end of the triad as you?

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Things a Birthmom Wishes an Adoptive Mom Knew

This is actually a cross post from my personal blog. I truly believe in all things that I write and wanted to share this list! 
Disclaimer: This is not targeted towards my daughter's adoptive parents whatsoever, nor is it meant to offend anyone or put anyone off. It's just a little list of things that I truly wish all adoptive parents knew. Some of it is said out of experience, some is said out of wishful experience - experiences I hope to have in the future, and some are just thoughts that swim around in this crazy head of mine.

(1) Nothing means more than calling the child we share an immense love for 'our child.' Recognizing that the child does in fact have two sets of parents who love him or her means the world to us birth parents.

(2) That old, crinkled up sheet of paper with errant crayon scribbles all over it that you are about to throw away because you've already kept approximately 8,000 of them? Don't. Send it to your child's birth mom or dad, no extensive letter necessary. What may be every-day and semi-"meaningless" to you may mean the world to a birth parent.

(3) You can never send enough photos. If you don't want to send one for fear of being too "pushy," I can assure you almost certainly that you are not. If we aren't ready to look yet, we'll save it for later. But just knowing you thought of us means everything.

(4) Including us as part of your family is the biggest honor you could give us. Even if visits are not part of the adoption plan, including us on group emails (with photos) to far-away family members doesn't go without notice. (My daughter's adoptive mom sent a photo of of our little girl waving two flags in her hands last year on the 4th of July. I love emails she sends only to me, but to see all of my daughter's many aunts and uncles from both sides of the family included on the email, along with myself and my mother, made my heart practically burst!)

(5) Likewise, being part of your "Christmas card list" is also amazing. If you're one of those families who takes professional Christmas photos and sends them out on little postcards, consider sending one to your child's birth family. (I still have mine from the two Christmases that have passed since she was born).

(6) No matter how much we love you (which, trust me, is a lot!), it is still extremely hard to trust someone else with your child. Think of how nervous you were the first time you let someone babysit your children...this is how we felt at placement, only it was magnified seven-fold. This is not to say we don't trust you - we more than trust you, and are secure in that trust - but keep this fear in mind when we send quick texts or emails just to see how everyone's doing. We don't mean to bug you.

(7) Sending us quick emails just to say hello, check in, or wish us luck on upcoming finals or whatever it may be, mean the world to us. Feeling like we not only share a common interest in the child, but also share a friendship, is wonderful.

(8) Not sure if we want that low-quality, grainy video you took on your cell phone? We do! You may have better ones that you took with a digital camera, but we cherish anything - and I mean anything you send us.

(9) Always keep your promises. This goes for birth parents and adoptive parents alike. Promises in open adoption are worth gold...there is no relationship more delicate or fragile on earth, so promises are sacred.

(10) We may not admit it, and a lot of us may share our pain quicker than we share our joy, but we love you for providing our children with what we couldn't at the time. Whether it's a two-parent household, a solid financial ground, or just a house period, it's something we couldn't provide or provide properly. I've heard it said that people think adoptive parents should "owe" their child's birth parents the world for "giving them a child." Well, birth parents feel indebted (in a good way) to adoptive parents for loving their child above themselves. We didn't give our child to you, we gave you to our child.

(11) Don't hold back on what you tell us. Don't be afraid to tell us that you missed 'our' baby while you were away on a business trip because you're scared we'll think "how do you think I feel?." The feeling we get when you are expressing your love for our child will eventually win over any jealous feelings we have about the time you get to spend with them that we don't.

(12) Allow us to send gifts. While some of us can't bear to walk down the baby aisle or the kid's toy aisle at Target, others find immense comfort in buying things for the child. The occasional "spoiling" we get to do feels amazing.

(13) Sending photos of your child wearing outfits we sent to her/him or playing with toys we sent are priceless.

(14) Always feel free to send us the "outtakes," too. While pictures in nice lighting, in cute outfits and with huge smiles are great, we want to see pictures of our kids just being kids, too. Not sure if you should send the picture where his or her back is to the camera and they are playing with toys? Please, send it! That one where they are crying or in mid-scream...send that one, too. We want as much insight into their daily lives as you are willing to give.

(15) If you don't already, please understand that as long as the safety of the child isn't at risk (mentally or physically), it can never be a bad thing for more people to love a child. When everyone has that child's best interest at heart, the more love, the better. Please don't close us out, we are not a threat. We don't want to take over your title or role and 99% of us would never have that intent nor would we dream of trying. We just want the opportunity to let our child know that he or she always was and always will be loved by us.

Birthmoms, do you have anything to add to this list?

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