Pregnancy after Placement by Guest Blogger, Katelyn

We have decided to start accepting guest bloggers (if you are interested, please email us!) and I'm so pleased to introduce our first guest blogger, Katelyn. She blogs at her blog titled, My Angels from God. Katelyn is going to share some of the fears she felt and experienced as a birthmother dealing with a pregnancy years after  placement. 

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To start off I thought I should introduce myself.  I'm Katelynn and I'm a birth  mother to a beautiful Angel named Ally. She is 4 1/2 (born in May of 2007).

I am an adoptive mother to a handsome Angel named Cayden, he is 4 1/2 (born in April of 2007).

I am also the biological mother to Jaxson.  He is 7 months old.

I have an open adoption with Ally.  I see her a few times a year and her mother sends me emails when she has time (she's a mother of 5 so when she has time is wonderful).  I have a semi-closed adoption with Cayden's birth mother.  I update a blog for her when she likes me to.  Cayden will be able to meet her in person when he's old enough to understand the past.  I became Cayden's Mommy just after his second birthday.  He is my husbands biological son.

There is a certain list of fears that comes along with placing.  For me the biggest fear was that I would never have another daughter.  However there were many other fears.

A fear that I never thought about until I was living it, was the fear that I wouldn't be able to have more children.  I was told the chances of me ever carrying another pregnancy full term was slim to none.  I was heart broken, devastated, and all at the same time angry.  After 2 miscarriages I was able to carry past 15 weeks and was told my pregnancy was healthy.  I had come full circle with motherhood.  But there were still many emotions that I wasn't prepared for.  I was completely and utterly terrified to tell my family I was pregnant.  It made NO sense at the time.  I was married, we had been trying to get pregnant, everything was right.  Why was I so scared?  I thought about it for a long long time until I realized that the last time I had told my family I was pregnant was  horrible.  There is a look that a mother gives their child when she is disappointed... that look breaks hearts.  That look was what I was so entirely scared of.  But after I told them and they became so excited I realized that nothing was going to be like my last full term pregnancy.

My pregnancy was by far not easy.  I lost a total of 42 pounds being pregnant.  Needless to say I was sick ALL the time.  But that wasn't the worst part.  I lived many of the fears on my "list of fears"  but my biggest fear was the hardest for me to deal with (at least for now).  I was pregnant with a boy and asked "why" so many times.  Why did I have to live through all of my post placement fears.  There had to be a reason.  I'm still unsure of the reason to tell you the truth.  When we found out our baby would be a boy I cried for a good 2 weeks.  I was told many times that I should just be grateful I was pregnant.  I was told that crying because it was a boy would make my child feel unloved.  No one was there to tell me that all my crying was normal.  It was ok.  It was HEALTHY!  Throughout the pregnancy I had a hard time connecting with the baby.   I had a hard time realizing he was "mine".  I distanced myself from the baby and in fact until I was nearly 6 months pregnant NEVER called myself the baby's "mommy".  I was so worried about connecting with the baby because of how I had distanced myself from Ally.

I tried to "prepare" my self for this delivery.  There would be so many things similar to Ally's delivery that I knew I had some gearing up to do.  However I went into early labor in January and was completely and utterly unprepared for the onslaught of emotions that hit me in the delivery room.  I also wasn't prepared for the multiple trips to Labor and Delivery.  I was put on bed rest and made 4 trips to the hospital to stop my labor.  When Ally was born she was sick and I was terrified that if I had my baby boy was born early that he'd be sick and then I'd have to deal with all those emotions all over again.  I knew that I needed to make a "hospital plan" and I knew there would be some people that didn't like it.  I had decided that I didn't want anyone to come to the hospital, including family members, and was told by one of those family members "you do realize you're actually taking this baby home with you."  Honestly that was the last thing I needed to hear.  I was angry and hurt.  No one understood the feelings I was dealing with.  They didn't understand that for the rest of Ally's life she isn't mine.  They didn't understand for the rest of Cayden's life his first 2 years will never be mine.

During my pregnancy with Jaxson I felt crazy.  I would freak out at the smallest things people would do.  When Daniel would ask me how I was doing it was hard to answer him because I didn't know how I was doing.  I was an emotional basket case.  Feelings that I hadn't dealt with in years were coming back and I didn't understand why.  Being pregnant there are emotions that everyone deals with but being pregnant after placing those emotions become so complex and strange.  So if you feel like you're abnormal because you have crazy moments where your emotions are out of control and you don't understand it... you are normal... it is real... and believe me... it works out in the end!

My family in May 2011

Not Alone

Birthmother's Day 2011 Recap by Guest Blogger, Kristin R. 

Wow. I don't even have words to describe this past weekend but I am going to try.

Friday night we went to dinner. It was the first time I had ever met any of these ladies and the friendship....the bond...was instant. It was almost overwhelming how instant the connection was between each of us. I felt free. These were my sisters. Women who had walked in my shoes and still are. We all had different stories, some very similar, some not. But we are all women who love our children and all are women who live each day without them.

Saturday was time for the actual event. We had speakers, breakout sessions, crafts, we did a balloon release with letters written to our children, a touching candle light service where we all lit a candle in honor of our child and said a prayer for them. Lots of laughter and tears. The tears were different from any tears I have shed before...these were healing tears. These were freeing tears. And most of all these were shared tears.

I'm taking away from this new friendships, new sisters, healing, memories, freedom, and a feeling of no longer being alone in this.

This is a weekend that I will think about often for awhile I'm sure. Next year's event can't come soon enough!

Photo Credit: Coley S.

Coping with being a Birthmom by Guest Blogger Blair B.

Being a birthmom can be a rollercoaster full of ups and downs. Everyone copes with their own adoption in their own individual ways. Some prefer to talk it out, while others get creative through scrapbooking or using other art forms to get their feelings out. No matter how you choose to cope, here are some "tips" on how to make being a birthmom a little easier.

1. After placing your child, allow yourself to experience the feelings that you are feeling and don't let anyone tell you when you should stop grieving or "get over it." We have to work through our own emotions at our own pace. So what if it doesn't match up to where someone else thinks we need to be. It's our experience, not theirs.

2. If you feel as though you are having a difficult time with your placement, talk to an adoption counselor or therapist. Talking out your feelings and/or problems with a neutral person can be so relieving and helpful. He or she can give you helpful hints on how to better deal with your grief from a professional stand point. You can also look up local birthparent support groups in your area.

3. Keep scrapbooks, pictures. and memorabilia. Remember, even though you placed your child with an adoptive family, he/she is still YOUR child. It is OK to have pictures of them around. It has helped many birthmoms be able to look back and see how far they have come in their journey. *

4. Say lots of prayers for God to keep watch over you, your child, and his or her family. Having a strong faith will carry you through the difficult periods and even help during the happy times as well.

5. Don't look at adoption as a loss, but rather as gaining another really special family. You are extending your family even further with your adoptive family. They will love you so dearly as if you were of their own flesh and blood. *

6. Be open about your adoption. The more you talk to people about it, the more confident you will feel. You will also be AMAZED at how many people are somehow connected to the adoption triangle. There are also so many people who have a negative perception of adoption. Sharing your story may teach them that adoption is a very positive process and is fulfilling to everyone involved.

7. If you do not feel comfortable talking with others about your feelings and story, journaling is an excellent outlet. Just getting out what is inside can help you tremendously in sorting out what should come next in the choices you make in the future. It is also another way to look back and see how far you have come.

8. Keep an open mind. Don't be afraid to speak up for yourself. Talk to your adoptive family about your needs and wants. If you don't want as much contact, let them know. If you want more, find a tactful way to talk to them about it and ask for it, if possible. You will never know until you ask. In most situations, either the birthparents or adoptive parents are hesitant to push the envelope and open up about visits, letters, and pictures. But once one side at least attempts to ask for a bit more then you will know what direction to take from there. You will also build a trust between families with communication. But all in all, keep an open mind. *

9. Think positive. As hard as it may be at times, each day is one day closer to a reunion. Try to think about happy moments with your child, whether during pregnancy, in the hospital, through visits, or even just through pictures and letters.

10. Finally, take everything ONE DAY AT A TIME! No need to rush feelings and emotions. Also no need to rush life. Take time to cry and grieve, but also take time to laugh and enjoy the life of being a birthmom.


* Notes tips that are more relevant for birthmothers participating in an open adoption.

Photo Credit

Visit Etiquette by Guest Blogger Leigh

If you are in an open adoption, you probably know that often it seems like we walk a fine line when it comes to visits. How often? Where? Will be by ourselves? Will there be a group op people around? Do we just spend the time with our kids and ignore everyone and everything around us? Do we go into a “zone” and forget that there is even anyone around? I know for me, I walk a fine line. I want to spend as much time with Jessica but I don’t want to ignore those people around me.

Here are a few simple tips that one can do to help the visits go easier.

• Show up on time. If you are going to be late, call and let them know.

• Don’t show up late and expect them to be overjoyed to see you if you haven't called.

• Don’t cancel. Especially at the last minute unless of course, something has come up and you can’t help it such as family emergency, car broke down, etc..

• Spend time with the adoptive parents. Yes, you are there to see your child but you need to have a relationship with the adoptive parents so include them in the play time and conversation.

• Respect their parenting choices and decisions. We may not agree but they are raising the child so it is their decision and schedules.

• Be flexible when setting up the visit. Jessica is a busy little bee so Louise’s’ time is limited so I am open to when she has time or an afternoon for us to get together.

• Be prepared if their schedule changes. Yes it happens and it stinks but realize that you will get another visit.

• Bring lots of film if you don’t have a digital camera. Include the adoptive parents in the pictures. Have someone take a picture of you and your child. Have another one taken of you and the adoptive mom. I have a few of those and they are extra special to me.

We just need to remember that if we get along with the adoptive parents then our children won’t feel pulled in any direction. If we show the adoptive parents respect, hopefully, we get respect in turn and the children realize that they have all these extra people to love them.

Photo Credit

How to Get Through the Holidays

This post is written by Guest Blogger, Amy S.

First of all, Merry Christmas! 


So, how many of you have a hard time dealing with adoption emotions through the holidays? I am sure all of us who are reading this can raise their hand, and say that we need the counseling more than the next person. How many of you are able to see your birth children over the busy holiday season? When I was still living in Oregon, I never had a visit with Kaylee around the holidays, as they were too crazy. But we would always get together sometime in January right after the holidays. One thing that I do for Kaylee every year is buy her a Christmas ornament and write the year on the ornament. Also I will buy an identical ornament for my own collection and hang them on my tree each year. It just just another way to feel like she is here in my home.


And as if being a birthmom and getting through the holidays isn't hard enough, some of us may be away from our families separated by many miles. How many of us have family traditions that you grew up with and you continue to do them now? I always loved the Christmas holidays in my house. My family would always go to a Christmas concert together sometime in the two holiday months. Then Christmas morning we would all open our gifts together, eat Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls, and in the afternoon go to a movie with extended family members. Still to this day that is what my family does. I am sad to say that this year I will not be home to participate with them.


Here are some ideas on how to get through the holidays:

• Buy a new ornament that reminds you of your birth child. Go see a movie with family or friends.
• Bake cookies and give them to your neighbors, co-workers, friends, family, etc...
• Donate to a Charity that supports adoption, crisis pregnancy, or children in general.
• Write a Christmas card to your child and either mail it or keep it for the future.
• Donate food to a local food bank.
• Serve food at a local homeless shelter.
• Journal about your feelings on Christmas Day.
• Spend time with family and friends. 
• Make an appointment to speak with your adoption counselor. (If you have one that is.) 

I hope some of the ideas help make your help a little easier! And don't forget to reach out to your birthmom friends or join us in the forums!


Photo Credit

Coping with Closed Adoption

Today's post is written by guest blogger, Alicia M.

Being the birthmother of a daughter in a closed adoption is on a good day tolerable and on a bad day very hard. Your child’s birthday, Mother’s Day, and other holidays are probably some of the common hard days birthmothers experience but there are ways to make it through and cope on those hard days.

A big part of how I cope is to focus on the possibility of a future reunion with my birth daughter. I keep a journal and a photo album just for her. In the journal, I tell her what is going on in my life and tell her of my love for her and how much I miss her. On her birthday and Christmas each year, I get her a special card and sign and date them. I keep the journal, albums, and cards for her and hope to one day be able to give them to her. Sometimes I write poems for her or about her and will share these with her one day as well.

I try hard to think positive that one day we will reunite and I will get to see her again and that she will get to see and meet her sisters.

Other birthmothers I know will light a candle in honor of their child on important dates like birthdays or holidays.

I pray for my daughter and her adoptive family on a regular basis. I also pray for the strength to get me through the days without her. My faith has gotten me through a lot of hard days.

I also share how I feel with other birthmothers. I get a lot of love and support from all of the women at BirthMom Buds. I do not know where I would be without them. There are women there who are going through what I am going through and we have laughed and cried together. I’ve also learned that when you need to cry, let yourself cry and lean on your family and friends as needed on those hard days.

I know it is not easy and some days are harder than others, but just try to take it one day at a time.

Photo Credit

The Rights and Wrongs of Reunification

Today's post is written by guest blogger, Alicia M.

As a birth mother who is part of a closed adoption, I look forward to a reunion in the future with my biological daughter. I look forward to it with cautious anticipation though, because I want to do everything right, and I hope she wants to see me too and be a part of my life. I have put a lot of thought into how I can make the possible reunion a positive experience for the both of us. I do have some ideas that I believe will help make adoption reunions have a better chance of being a positive experience.

1. Be honest- You may think this goes without saying, but tell your birth child about why they were placed for adopion and any information you have about their biological father.
2. Be patient-Don’t expect a loving relationship to happen right away with your birth child. Good, loving, and trusting relationships take time to develop and grow.
3. Don’t bombard your birth child with gifts and things- I have heard this is a classic mistake in adoption reunions. Some birth mothers think that they need to give their birth child gifts and things to make up for lost time and for not being able to give them things over the years.
4. Don’t be pushy-I know you will have a lot of questions to ask your birth child about their life and their upbringing, but let them volunteer what information they feel comfortable with when they are ready to share it.

With these tips, I can not guarantee a wonderful reunion, but they will definitely set you on a positive path to a successful reunion.

Photo Credit

"Mom at Sixteen" Movie Review

Today's post is written by guest blogger, Alicia M. 

Take a teenage girl who gets pregnant, an over protective single mom, and a younger sister who feels out of the mix when her older sister gets pregnant and that is the situation that Jacey Jeffries (played by Danielle Panabaker), her mom Terry Jeffries (played by Mercedes Ruehl) and her sister Macy Jeffries (played by Clare Stone) find themselves in, in the Lifetime Original Movie, Mom at Sixteen. 

Jacey gets pregnant at 15 years old by her boyfriend Brad, (played by Tyler Hynes). During her pregnancy, Jacey and her mom decide the best thing to do is place her baby for adoption. When Jacey is in the hospital with her son, she bonds with him and decides she can not place him for adoption. Jacey’s mother decides that they will keep the baby, whom they named Charlie, as long as she (the mom) tells everyone that Charlie is her son so Jacey can go back to school, go on her with her life, and fulfill all the dreams she has for her life.

They move to a new town where no one knows that Jacey had a baby. Jacey and her sister attend a new high school full of gossipy teens, where sex is as free wheeling as candy. She slowly starts to befriend her health/sex education teacher, Donna Cooper (played by Jane Krakowski). Mrs. Cooper and her husband Bob (played by Colin Ferguson), who is a coach at the school, have been trying to have a baby and even had a failed adoption. One day, Jacey faints at swim practice and has to go the emergency room.  Mrs. Cooper goes to the hospital to check on her and finds Jacey holding Charlie while waiting on her Mom to finish the hospital paperwork.  She talks to Jacey for a while and figures out that Charlie is Jacey’s son. .

Jacey and her Mom argue often and Jacey decides that she can handle being Charlie’s Mom – she doesn’t need her Mom to do it but Jacey struggles and turns to Mrs. Cooper for support learning that they (the Coopers) had a failed adoption placement and were struggling to have a child.

Jacey is beginning to realize that her Mom being Charlie’s Mom is not working and is still considering her options regarding placing Charlie for adoption. Jacey decides to join a group for young mothers and talks to the girls and learns more about open adoption versus raising their babies.

Time passes in the movie, and Mrs. Cooper excitedly runs into the gym telling her husband that she has just received a call from the adoption agency and that they have been chosen by a birthmom! At the adoption agency, they are told the birthmom has already had the baby and wants an open adoption. They agree and are anxiously waiting when Jacey walks in with her mother and Charlie. Jacey tells Mrs. Cooper that this is the hardest thing she will ever do.

In the last scene of the movie, Jacey is visiting the Coopers’ in their living room and Mr. Cooper is video taping them. He is asking Charlie, who appears to be about 5 years old, questions about what is new in his life. He says that he has a new baby sister and Mr. Cooper said "Where did she come from?' .Charlie tells him that his sister came from his mommy's tummy. And then Mr. Cooper asks Charlie where did he come from? And Charlie says, "From my Jacey's tummy." Mr. Cooper asks him, "Who is Jacey?" Charlie goes over to Jacey and hugs her. Mr. Cooper asks him, "What is so important about Jacey?" He says "I am the only one who knows how much she loves me." And Mr. Cooper says, "How is that?" Charlie says, "I am the only one who knows what her heart feels like from the inside." The movie ends with Charlie giving Jacey a big hug.

Mom at Sixteen is a touching, yet complex movie, which shows teenage pregnancy and open adoption in a very positive light. The birth mother and the adoptive family love each other deeply and they share their love for the child.  I left out many endearing scenes and would recommend this movie to anyone who has not seen it, but be sure to bring a box of Kleenex.

Back to School Bmoms by Jenifer H.

Today's post is written by guest blogger, Jenifer H.

Deciding to go back to school can be a daunting task for anyone, especially when you have just placed your child for adoption and are going back to school broken hearted or if you are going back after years of a “hiatus.”

Adoption is a touchy subject and is going to be treated differently by anyone/everyone you come into contact with.  I have learned that it’s important not to judge people, because we don’t know their history on why they feel about certain topics that they do.  Adoption brings about emotions in people that I never imagined possible.  When deciding to go back to school, it can be really difficult.  As a birthmom who has recently gone back to college after 10 years, I think there are some important things to keep in mind.

Here are a few pointers as you head back to school:    

• Foundation - It is important to make sure that you have a solid foundation to step back into ‘normal’ life through counseling, support, and information.  
• Positive people – It is important to make sure that you surround yourself with positive people.  After my daughters adoption I had people that I thought were my friends, turn out not to be good friends at all. After finding BirthMom Buds and finally being able to connect with others who really knew what I’d been through, I have been able to grow and actually move forward with my life.  
• Be prepared –  If you are going right back to school after having your baby, people will have obviously known you are pregnant and may have questions. Be prepared for these nosey questions and think ahead of time what you may want to say.  
• Writing assignments – Occasionally you may have creative writing assignments that may open the door for you to share your adoption experience. Remember you may have to read this aloud and it may be read by many, so only share what you are comfortable sharing with everyone.
• Achieve your dreams - Perhaps you had to put off your education due to pregnancy, but it’s always good to try and achieve your dreams. Personally, I have finally discovered what I want to do with my life.  It’s taken a long time… but I finally know what I want.
• Online courses - Taking online courses is a great way to ease back into school.  The time factor is the greatest part of online courses.  I still have deadlines and times to finish assignments, but I can do it on my time throughout the week.   Another great aspect to taking an online course that I have discovered is, it’s less intimidating.  It can be very tough to decide to go back to school, especially being older.  I was proud when I went to the school to get my ID card, but relieved when I didn’t have to step inside of a classroom and face the ‘younger kids’ yet.  Due to my major I will have to go back to a classroom setting to complete my degree, but I can get used to teachers, homework and corresponding with other students online first.
  

Heading back to school has been tough, but having a goal to focus on is helpful.  I hope that you can find peace in knowing that you are working for something.  Knowing that I have a goal keeps me going.  I never got to sit through a long and boring graduation ceremony, due to my pregnancy, but knowing that at the end of this journey I will be able to do that is a true testament to my ‘moving forward’ and being able to grow from my past.  It is a testament to my daughter and the decision I made 10 years ago, to place her with a loving family for adoption.  May you find peace and success in your decision and journey to go back to school!

"Tummy Mummy" Book Review by Leah O.

For Kaylee’s 4th birthday last year, I was trying to come up with the perfect gift as usual. It is often is a huge task for me each year as I’m trying to decide what is age appropriate and what message I want to send her through her birthday gifts.  For her 4th birthday, I decided on an adoption book since she was getting older and it might help her understand the dynamics of her twice-the-love family and how it came to be through adoption.  I knew I wanted the book I chose to echo these things: my love for her, her parents love for her, and somewhat reflect our open domestic adoption.

I searched and searched and finally an adoptive mother recommended the book, The Tummy Mummy by Michelle Madrid-Branch.  After reading reviews online, I ordered it and prayed that it would be age appropriate and “fit” our family as much as it could since I could not read it before I ordered. Thankfully, it suited my requirements and I was excited to give it to Kaylee. 

The Tummy Mummy narrates adoption from the birthmother’s perspective, which I loved.  It talks about a woman who loved her baby very much but knew she could not take care of it and then talks about a couple who had lots of love and all the baby things, but did not have a baby.  Therefore it shows that all around there is love for the child even before she was born. My favorite part is how the wise owl in the book guides the Tummy Mummy across the lake and leads her to the family. This to me was especially important because in my adoption, my “wise owl” was God and He certainly led me to Kaylee’s family. For another person, that wise owl could symbolize someone else in the adoption story (a counselor, social worker, a friend, etc). In the end, the message of love from all sides is well known, even from the birthmother afar. I loved that message: that even though I am not with her all the time I still love her.

While no book is going to perfectly match each of our adoption stories, this book of all the ones I’ve fit our story and the message I wanted to convey the most, even including a “God” figure.  If this one does not fit your story? There are more out there, just keep looking! Or, you can make your own.  Also, remember to ask your child’s adoptive parents if they are okay with you giving an adoption related and see what they might already have on their bookshelf!

This review was written by Leah O. To read more of Leah's writings,
visit her blog, O. Momma Writes.

Guest Bloggers

From time to time, we'll have guest bloggers here on the BirthMom Buds blog. Those guest bloggers will share articles and thoughts on a variety of topics all related to adoption, of course.

If you would be interested in sharing something as a guest blogger, leave a comment or drop us an email.

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Tips for Searching

This week's post is written by guest blogger, Jill.......

I’m going to suggest you register with as many on-line search registries as you can possibly join. Give as much information as you have. 

1) Keep good records. Write down every site you’ve joined along with user name and password.
2) Keep your e-mail address current. 
3) If you have a name look at social networking sites such as Facebook, My Space, Twitter and so on.
4) If you’ve used an agency ask them to add your contact information to your file.
5) If you have a name, try looking up the name on the internet by doing a Google search. Also, check out sites like www.anywho.com - will give you an address and phone number if listed. Good if the parents have moved out of state. There are other phone number look ups available. Don’t just try one – try as many as you can. You never know!
6) Public Records – If you know the name and city you can check out public records such as voter’s registration, tax records, etc. Check both county and city records. 
7.) Contact the county adoption clerk in the city your adoption would have been filed at. They may not be able to help you but they might give you some tips for your particular city/state.
8.) Also if you have a name, checkout www.classmates.com 
9.) Register with any on line search registries you can. Some that I’ve looked at are:
www.ISRR.net - International soundex reunion registry
www.genesearch.com - Adoption Search Registries and Reunion Resources listed by state.
www.abcadoptions.com - Adoption records by state. Helps you by giving your state laws.
www.adoption.com - This one is huge, multi links from a variety of names. 
www.abcadoptions.com

There are also paid online search sites such as Omnisearch - I’ve had limited luck with those. I did find some long lost friends though. Good Luck!