Where are the Others?

So I'm curious about something. For years I would have given anything to find other women like me to talk to, cry with and just connect with. Someone who could understand my pain, fear, despair, sadness, etc.

Fast forward a decade (or two) and I am suddenly part of several online groups for birthmoms who are very supportive and open about their decisions. It's really amazing to read their posts and watch as they come around each other for support on the hard days and celebration on the happy days.

So my question is this: Where are the others? Because while I'm seeing a large group of women connected online, there are many more that aren't connected. Maybe they don't know how to get connected. Maybe they've never even considered that there are others out there like them who want to get connected.

So how do we reach out to those ladies? Where are they? And how do we find them?

That's what I'm curious about today.

Photo credit

Dylan's Story & Birthfather Support

I often have Birthmothers who are still involved with their child’s Father email  and ask if I know of any websites or support similar to BirthMom Buds and sadly, I always have to respond with no.

I’m happy to announce that there is finally something out there for birthfathers! Dylan, a birthfather in an open adoption, has created a website and place of support for birthfathers called Birth Fathers Recognized. 

As a way of introducing his website, I’ve asked Dylan to share his story with our readers. So without further adieu, I give you Dylan’s story in his own words….. 

Most people walk the line society shows them; without trying to I gave myself a detour that changed my life forever. In one year most high school students grow some but not as much as I did after hearing, “It’s positive”. I was an indestructible young fool then, but life always will come at you like a train when you least expect it. I heard those words and my heart sank to the floor. I’ve grown more than any other person I know in those nine months of my life, I became a father, and a protector; but the most outstanding change I went through was my transformation to a hero to my daughter. I made a decision nobody should have to make in their lifetime; the decision to give up a child.

But I had my parents, my girlfriend, and her parents all supporting my love and I in the decision that now gives me a reason to live, a reason to thrive, and of all things a reason to succeed. I gave up my child that day to the greatest, most genuine people I’ve ever met, and it’s that reason that I now have a beacon to succeed that glows brighter than anyone else’s. I gave her a better life in order for all of us to thrive and that is who I became and who I will always be, a father for a child in another family’s hands; a child that is never gone and that I will never say good bye to.

My new life after the birth of my child has only one purpose: succeed in everything I do so that when I see her as she grows up she will know that she is loved and the love of a parent to a child can never be stopped, and never will; only redirected. College is my next step in life. A step most people take before having their first child but that is who I’ve become and that page in my life that turned a few years early drives my heart to be the greatest man that I can be. I learned what true strength and chivalry is; it’s not doing what’s best for yourself but what is best for those you affect. The first nights back to reality without my daughter were met with silent tears, but those tears accomplished nothing and it was those tears that became the driving force to live life with success in mind.

My success is not for selfish reasons however, money does not drive me to study computer science, fame does not drive me to become someone, my daughter drives me and my love for her that will flow endlessly drives me to be a success in life. My future, however, is not for myself; I must release my potential so that I may shine as a beacon to my daughter as brightly as she shines to me. Life does not follow a plan life takes its turns whenever it wishes, and it turned around me like I never expected, it was that day when I still was months away from being seventeen, almost a year and a half from adulthood that I gained purpose and helped bring a new, plentiful, inextinguishable spirit into this world. The fire of my daughter’s heart rekindled mine. I grew more in twenty four hours than I had in sixteen years and those twenty four rekindled my spirit to reach my intellectual limits and shatter them. I live to show my daughter that no matter what life gives you there is no limit to what you can achieve.

It's now been 21 months, and in those months everything had its ups and downs. The first of my story was written and finished within a month of my daughter's birth, since then there has been almost too much change. I've watched my daughter grow from a small baby in the hospital into an active and smart 21 month old toddler. The months after the placement my fiancee and I had four visits that I can luckily remember vividly, it was after the fourth visit that things got harder, that was the visit we learned that because the adoptive father is a contract engineer, they had to move from southern California to North Carolina. When it came time to move it was the saddest time I've experienced, we were able to help them pack and spent our entire spring break doing so, the time was something we cherished and multiple days we arrived in the middle of the day and left close to or after midnight. Each day was more bittersweet until the final day, it took us another half hour after leaving their house and getting in the car to leave. We sat down and just started crying, our world was changing again; our little girl would no longer be half and hour away making visits possible every month or so, our little girl was moving to the other side of the country and we wouldn't see her until her first birthday.

And that is the last time we have been able to spend time with her. From time to time we will find a day to video chat but even though it is obvious our daughter knows who we are it doesn't fill the gap of being able to physically be there and spend time with her. The last time I was able to spend time with my daughter she was crawling around and starting to get close to walking, now 9 months later she is walking and babbling and talking, and although it's a blessing I can see her at all; it is painful not knowing if I will see her this summer for her second birthday. 

With all these events, and my fiancée finding support from BirthMom Buds, I decided to start Birth-fathers Recognized in my senior year of high school to create a place for birth fathers to share their stories, be there to support each other, and for everyone else involved in adoption and for people outside the world of adoption to be able to read and understand what birthfathers go through and make a means for change that allows birthfathers to be noticed in a world where everyone assumes the father in an unplanned pregnancy either runs away or wants to pressure the birthmother into a different choice than her original intentions.

Photo Credit

The Shack Book Review

I know, another book review. I loved the The Shack! I'm sure everyone else read it a long time ago, but I just got to it. I loved the way it personified God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It made them so personable and so much more understandable.

You know, when I think back, there was a long time I avoided my birthmothering experience, the way Mack avoided the Shack. I didn't talk about it openly. I kept the secret. I grieved all alone. I didn't externally acknowledge the birthdays, the anniversary dates.

But like Mack, I didn't have to acknowledge them. They found me. My own biological clock reminded me of her on her birthday, at holiday time and all the times in between. It wasn't something I had to remember to do.

About seven years into his Great Sadness, Mack gets invited to go back to the Shack. To go back into his pain. Instead of running away from it and denying it, God invites him to embrace it and really drill down into it.

It wasn't until I saw a counselor in college that I really started to face my stuff. To really see it and acknowledge it for what it was. It may have seemed easier for Mack to resist going back to the Shack, but he was desperate for a way out of his Great Sadness, for a way back to living life with his family. Desperate enough to do something crazy like trudge all the way back up that mountain to face his worst fears.

Birthmothering is like that. As painful as it is, God invites us to embrace the hurt, embrace the sadness and trust him with it. God met Mack at the Shack in a big way. In a real way. He can and will do the same for you if you let him.

Where are you today? Are you walking in freedom? Or are you still stuck in sadness and pain?

Photo credit

The Girls Who Went Away Review

Thanks to your suggestions, I just just finished reading Ann Fessler's The Girls Who Went Away. Wow! I mean wow wow. I've known I wasn't alone. The statistics prove that. My research shows that. I've been speaking and counseling for years on this topic, and it never ceases to amaze me that whenever you throw out the word 'adoption' in a room, you can just see the ripples.

Although I thought my adoption in the 1980's was hard, I had no idea what hard is. I could identify with many things the ladies had to say. The feelings they felt, the way their lives have been touched or damaged or torn apart. So many similarities.

I think the thing that struck me the most was the shame of it all. My parents claimed they loved me, yet when it came to such a pivotal time in my life and my development and my health, they rejected me. For so long the line "this is what's best for you" made me question if it wasn't the best thing for them.

About 5 years ago, the pregnancy center where I was serving connected me with a new volunteer. Guess what she told me? She talked about her own set of circumstances and the daughter she had placed with an adoptive family almost 40 years ago.

And she also said that I was the first person she had ever told besides her husband! That is still so amazing to me. The only way I've been able to get through the loss and grief and all of it is through talking, sharing, writing, and speaking. To be silenced by shame would be the worst.

I think my mom would be more comfortable if I would stop talking, to be honest. I love her and we have spent many years building our relationship, but this is a subject we just don't talk about. It's kind of awkward for me since this is what I speak about, write about and can't shut up about.

You know, when I was in graduate school, one of our projects included looking at 3 generations of our family on both sides. It was interesting having conversations with my mom and dad about the history of them and their families.

What was shocking is that when I finished, there was an obvious pattern of unwed pregnancy. My aunt is the first one I know about. She got pregnant in the late 1960's and stayed with my parents during her pregnancy. Then she went on with her life. The only reason I know is because my mom told me after finding out I was pregnant.

It was appalling to learn that I hadn't done something unique, but rather just the opposite. I had unwittingly carried on the 'family tradition' of getting pregnant without being married. No wonder my parents were so mad at me.

But it has lead me to wonder, how does that happen? What is it about the family dynamic that allows something secret like out of wedlock pregnancy to be repeated generation after generation?

Those thoughts are too much for today. This book has changed the way I view things. 
Have you read it? If so, what did you identify most with?


Photo Credit

The Best for You Adoption Book

Our friend, author, and fellow birthmom Kelsey Stewart asked us to spread the word about Adoptive Families Circle Magazine seeking nominations for your favorite adoption books. While, I'm sure they are expecting a lot of aoptive parents to vote and nominate books, I think it would be awesome if some birthmother voices were held as well. 


Kelsey is asking you to consider nominating her book, The Best for You. I had the pleasure of thumbing through a copy of Kelsey's book last year when she donated some copies as door prizes for our Birthmother's Day Celebration. It is written from a birthmother's perspective and talks about how a birthmother just wants the best for her child. It has fun illustrations appealing to a child. 


Here's what Kelsey had to say about her book and nominating it: 
"I get at least two to three messages a day from folks telling me how much they appreciate the children's book I wrote titled, The Best For You. I love these messages because it tells me that so many have embraced the message in the book that adoption is about the love for a child, not that the child was not wanted. Always touches my heart to hear others talk about how the book is helping them, or their chidlren, understand the mind of a birth mother a little better.

Well, I found this link this morning and thought I would pass it along to all of you. Adoptive Families Circle Magazine is taking nominations for your favorite adoption books and one of the categories is Children's Books. Take some time to click on the link and tell them about what your favorite books are and who knows, you may even win the Kindle that they are giving away!

You can help out this author, who is still trying to get her message to the masses, reach many more people just by entering and nominating The Best For You. It only takes a few minutes, and feel free to pass it along if you like. There are other categories that you can nominate a book for as well, so go take a look and make your opinion heard!"


Go here to nominate Kelsey's book. 

Article: Birthmothers Deserve Respect

We posted a link to this article back in May after it appeared in Newsweek on the BirthMom Buds Facebook group page but I thought it was worth posting here as well. It's a great article about why birthmothers deserve respect. Check it out here.

I love the questions and thoughts posed in the last paragraph the most.

What if we stopped pretending we lived in a world where the traditional nuclear family is the norm and accepted birth mothers into the fold of family life? We’ve certainly managed to do that in the world of reproductive medicine where we welcome offspring as biological even if the child was the product of donated sperm and egg. And we’ve somehow managed to accept a bewildering array of familial choices from multiple stepparents, two moms, or a single grandparent. But, thanks to society’s misgivings and misconceptions about adoption, birth mothers are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. By indicating that placing a child for adoption is a selfish or painless choice when it’s not, or talking about birth mothers as if they were all crack-addled prostitutes or at the very least wayward youth, we not only limit a woman’s right to choose but also shut out the possibility that there are other people out there who would love to adopt. Why not try respecting these women as mothers able to make the best decision for themselves and their pregnancies—even if that decision is not to parent?

Photo Credit