Monday, June 4, 2012

Dylan's Story & Birthfather Support

I often have Birthmothers who are still involved with their child’s Father email  and ask if I know of any websites or support similar to BirthMom Buds and sadly, I always have to respond with no.

I’m happy to announce that there is finally something out there for birthfathers! Dylan, a birthfather in an open adoption, has created a website and place of support for birthfathers called Birth Fathers Recognized

As a way of introducing his website, I’ve asked Dylan to share his story with our readers. So without further adieu, I give you Dylan’s story in his own words….. 

Most people walk the line society shows them; without trying to I gave myself a detour that changed my life forever. In one year most high school students grow some but not as much as I did after hearing, “It’s positive”. I was an indestructible young fool then, but life always will come at you like a train when you least expect it. I heard those words and my heart sank to the floor. I’ve grown more than any other person I know in those nine months of my life, I became a father, and a protector; but the most outstanding change I went through was my transformation to a hero to my daughter. I made a decision nobody should have to make in their lifetime; the decision to give up a child.

But I had my parents, my girlfriend, and her parents all supporting my love and I in the decision that now gives me a reason to live, a reason to thrive, and of all things a reason to succeed. I gave up my child that day to the greatest, most genuine people I’ve ever met, and it’s that reason that I now have a beacon to succeed that glows brighter than anyone else’s. I gave her a better life in order for all of us to thrive and that is who I became and who I will always be, a father for a child in another family’s hands; a child that is never gone and that I will never say good bye to.

My new life after the birth of my child has only one purpose: succeed in everything I do so that when I see her as she grows up she will know that she is loved and the love of a parent to a child can never be stopped, and never will; only redirected. College is my next step in life. A step most people take before having their first child but that is who I’ve become and that page in my life that turned a few years early drives my heart to be the greatest man that I can be. I learned what true strength and chivalry is; it’s not doing what’s best for yourself but what is best for those you affect. The first nights back to reality without my daughter were met with silent tears, but those tears accomplished nothing and it was those tears that became the driving force to live life with success in mind.

My success is not for selfish reasons however, money does not drive me to study computer science, fame does not drive me to become someone, my daughter drives me and my love for her that will flow endlessly drives me to be a success in life. My future, however, is not for myself; I must release my potential so that I may shine as a beacon to my daughter as brightly as she shines to me. Life does not follow a plan life takes its turns whenever it wishes, and it turned around me like I never expected, it was that day when I still was months away from being seventeen, almost a year and a half from adulthood that I gained purpose and helped bring a new, plentiful, inextinguishable spirit into this world. The fire of my daughter’s heart rekindled mine. I grew more in twenty four hours than I had in sixteen years and those twenty four rekindled my spirit to reach my intellectual limits and shatter them. I live to show my daughter that no matter what life gives you there is no limit to what you can achieve.

It's now been 21 months, and in those months everything had its ups and downs. The first of my story was written and finished within a month of my daughter's birth, since then there has been almost too much change. I've watched my daughter grow from a small baby in the hospital into an active and smart 21 month old toddler. The months after the placement my fiancee and I had four visits that I can luckily remember vividly, it was after the fourth visit that things got harder, that was the visit we learned that because the adoptive father is a contract engineer, they had to move from southern California to North Carolina. When it came time to move it was the saddest time I've experienced, we were able to help them pack and spent our entire spring break doing so, the time was something we cherished and multiple days we arrived in the middle of the day and left close to or after midnight. Each day was more bittersweet until the final day, it took us another half hour after leaving their house and getting in the car to leave. We sat down and just started crying, our world was changing again; our little girl would no longer be half and hour away making visits possible every month or so, our little girl was moving to the other side of the country and we wouldn't see her until her first birthday.

And that is the last time we have been able to spend time with her. From time to time we will find a day to video chat but even though it is obvious our daughter knows who we are it doesn't fill the gap of being able to physically be there and spend time with her. The last time I was able to spend time with my daughter she was crawling around and starting to get close to walking, now 9 months later she is walking and babbling and talking, and although it's a blessing I can see her at all; it is painful not knowing if I will see her this summer for her second birthday. 

With all these events, and my fiancée finding support from BirthMom Buds, I decided to start Birth-fathers Recognized in my senior year of high school to create a place for birth fathers to share their stories, be there to support each other, and for everyone else involved in adoption and for people outside the world of adoption to be able to read and understand what birthfathers go through and make a means for change that allows birthfathers to be noticed in a world where everyone assumes the father in an unplanned pregnancy either runs away or wants to pressure the birthmother into a different choice than her original intentions.

1 comment:

  1. Love this. Thank you for sharing your story, Dylan! I will be linking to you on my own blog to help get the word out about your website. I think it's wonderful that you're not only still involved, but you want to be a positive witness for how your life has changed since you relinquished your daughter.