Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Coping as a Birth Mom

Being a birthmom is something I struggle with on day to day basis. Sometimes I feel like I just can't get through a day.  No one can understand the emotions and feeling that come with being a birt mom except another birthmom.  It is very different than being a "mom" to child you have parented.  You have a overwhelming feeling of loss, pain, grief, and guilt.  When you lose your child to adoption in the era I did, often it is done and never spoken of again.  I often wonder what it would of been like if someone in my family would of come and asked me (afterwards) if  I was ok or just asked wanted to talk about it. I wonder if it would of kept me from going through the pain I felt all those years.

When it is something that you felt forced to do and didn't want to do, I think it can make coping much harder.  There is always the questions of "what if", and they are never ending.  Like what if I would of spoke up sooner, would it of changed things, or what if I would of fought harder for what I wanted.  But in some cases, no matter what you do it would not change what is already taking place.  I know that no matter what I did or said, nothing would of changed.

In order for me to cope and get through this, I just keep telling myself, "Look how he turned out, he is happy, well adjusted and had a good life with his adoptive family.  That is how I cope when I start to feel my emotions taking over. Plus I write, write, write. Writing is such a great outlet for pain and whatever you are feeling.  Your writing is just that, YOURS.  No one can read it (unless you want them to) therefore you can write whatever you want and still feel like you have spoken you feelings.  Writing is a healthy and very important part of the healing process.

I had a reunion with my birth son 2 years ago and though it was quite a roller coaster of emotions, that is when I decided to start writing about everything.  Every day I wrote what was going on, then when you go back and read it, you can see how much you have started to heal.  Take my diary I started 2 years ago, I read it the other day and I was surprised to see how much I have changed since I wrote it.  I still have those feelings, they are just not as intense.

I will always have these feelings, but the important thing is how you channel them.  Whether it is through writing, counseling, talking with a close friend or relative, or maybe someone from your church, it is important to deal with them.  Keeping emotions and feelings hidden is unhealthy and can affect your health.  So for anyone out there that needs an outlet and not sure what to do, try writing and joining an on-line forum for birth moms.  It can be a great support system for you and get you through tough times. How do you cope?

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