Thursday, January 13, 2011

Missing My Son

Every single day I think about my birthson. Not one day goes by that I don’t think of him but there are days that I think of him more than others and therefore miss his presence in my life more at certain times than others. Yes, we are in an open adoption, thus a part of each other’s lives but I do miss his daily presence in my life that would occur if I were parenting him. I doubt I’m alone in this.
Sometimes there are triggers for times that I miss him more such as birthdays and holidays but at other times there isn’t any special date and I just find myself missing him more than usual. Perhaps it is because I see a mother and son out in public that remind me of what could have been or perhaps I see something in the son I am parenting that reminds me of Charlie or perhaps nothing but my heart sets off missing him.
How do you get through this when you find that the feelings of missing your child are more intense than usual?
For me personally, my number one thing to do anytime I am feeling something strongly is to write about it. Sometimes I might do that here or in my personal blog bust mostly I write about him in my personal journal which is private and for my eyes only.  There sentence structure, content, and misspellings don’t matter; I just pour my feelings out.

Another thing that I do is talk about my feelings to whomever I choose to that day. Usually I feel most comfortable discussing that either with my husband or a friend who is also a birthmother or both.

Scrapbooking also serves as a healthy way to cope with missing Charlie for me.

None of this takes the place of an actual visit or a phone call, but it does help me cope.

What do you do when you are missing your child?


  1. Thank you Coley for such a great post!! You are my rock girlfriend. I love your honesty and how real you are. I so understand about missing your son. When I was in the silent years I think and I know I missed my daughter but when I was reunited with her OH it brought up how much I did miss her now and then by rushing all I had surpressed back up. I will be driving and think of her. I will be writing and hear a sound or watching TV and she comes to mind. When that happens I have found to pray for her and our reunion. I thank my God that he brought her back to me no matter how this ends up. I know my child. I try to think of her in her happiness and how she loves her life and the many people in it and that makes me happy and not miss her sooo much! Maybe as you miss your son you can imagine him playing, singing, running, doing his homework and know he is doing all thouse things becuase he has such a loving mother that gave him life and still misses him and loves him like it was yesterday.


  2. Thank you for posting this! It's the days that surprise you that are the worst, I think. The moments that come out of the blue when you don't think you "should" be missing him as much as you are at that moment.

    Sometimes I can get so caught up in my own grief at the moment that I forget other people have pain too. Thanks for the reminder that no matter how long it has been, there are still those days.....

  3. I pray and I look at my boys and my life and I am thankful for all that I have been through for it led me to where I am today. God bless the broken road...all the pain that I felt and continue to feel from my adoption story helps build me up from the inside out. You say it perfectly when you call it "bittersweet". You take the good with the bad...and sometimes the sadness comes to me like an old friend. Sometimes it feels good to just feel sad and mourn my loss...sometimes its all we can do. Just feel. xo Thanks for sharing Coley.

  4. Thank you all for your comments and support. You are right, Monika, it's the days that come out of the blue that are worse. The days like birthdays, Mother's Day, holidays, you expect to be hard but those days that are just hard for no real reason are the worst!

    And yes, Cammy, bittersweet sums up all my feelings about adoption. I do pray about my birthson a lot - I should have added that.

  5. I have come to the conclusion that my pain is for a lifetime. What I wish is not to be. Thanks Coley for helping us know we are not alone.

  6. Coley - You are absolutely right! It is the unexpected moment that catches us so off guard. The expected days, I plan for. I make sure I have distractions that will allow for me to remember but not wallow.
    The unplanned days... those are the tricky ones! Recently my strategy has been this: today I will allow myself to feel this and work through this. Tomorrow I will focus on someone else. I will do something to make someone else feel better. I guess you would call that a delayed distraction!
    Wishing you a better tomorrow!

  7. when I miss my birthdaughter, I write in my journal. I dont know if I will share with her my thoughts throughout the ears, but the option is there when she is 21. I have an open adoption, but if I email first, feel like I am inpeading in their lives. I have a visit this weekend after no visit in 2010 and am nervous

  8. I still miss my birthson after 18 years. I contacted him a while back (I was not fortunate enough to have a fully open adoption) and he called me back and said he'd be visiting me. Then he changed his mind. I was so heartbroken I thought I wouldn't live through it. But with the help of close friends, family, and this board I made it through the worst (since the initial adoption, of course). I still think of him every day and miss him and wonder what could have been, but when it gets really bad and I have to cry, I rely on my husband, mother, best friend, and this board, especially "M" who has been a real rock for me. The pain may never fully go away, but it does lessen over the years...and when it gets bad, fall back on your support groups to get you through it...see a counselor if you have to. The main things are gave your baby life rather than chosing death, and you gave him a better one than you could have provided at the time. You are responsible for giving him a real chance at a loving, happy, normal life. AND you DO have one of your own as well now, a family of your own to be grateful for. Count your blessings when you can, and when you can't, pray a lot and rely on whatever supports you may have, even if it is just this board. If you'd like to talk privately, my email is I'd be happy to give you my phone number too, through email. Remember, you are NEVER ALONE!! There are ppl out there who DO totally get it and understand, and can offer support that others may not be fully able to give, having not lived through it themselves. I and the others on this board, and God and family, are always here for you!! The really hard times that come unexpectedly WILL dissipate in time, it WILL get better, and you DO have a support group who truly understands and will listen when you need to verbally (even in text) cry it out.

    Hang in there!!

  9. Coley,
    I think you are a very strong and an amazing woman, to have gone through everything you have and stayed so positive. Also creating Birthmom Buds for birthmothers. I'm glad we have met each other through birthmom buds. I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy and Piper will be here soon, and you have always been there to answer any questions I have or when i needed someone to listen that knows what I am going through you have been there and I can't thank you enough:) Keep your head up and just know if you ever need to talk or a shoulder to cry on I'm here as well as the other birthmoms are. Hugs to you and hope you have a good day.
    friends always

  10. @Maryann, such a good idea to tell yourself to focus on someone else. So many times helping others gives us a good feeling of self worth.

    @Elisa, journaling is so awesome. Good luck with your visit this weekend. I'll be thinking of you. Reach out if you need to talk. Hugs!

  11. @Mandy and Missy, thank you both for your comments and support.