|Photo credit: http://morningcruise.blogspot.com/|
I’m a worrywart by nature. It’s as inherent to me as breathing. I get frustrated by the unneeded stress and pain that worrying causes, but as much as I tell myself to stop worrying and that everything’s going to be okay, I can’t seem to stop.
So when it takes T and C a while to respond to an email from me, I worry. I worry that I’ve said something to offend or hurt them and that I’ll never hear from them again.
It's interesting that open adoption in general seems to breed those feelings. Don’t get me wrong. I know that all birthmothers have to struggle with some feelings of worry about their children, whether they’re in closed, semi-open, or fully open adoptions. But I think that each situation breeds different kinds of worry.
I just completed my first official year of open adoption. There’s been a lot of worry on my part about where I stand in general in my daughter’s and her parents’ life. During the year, T and I have gone from exchanging an occasional letter (which we still send) to sending emails back and forth quite frequently. When we first started emailing, we exchanged long emails a couple of times a day, but by the time December arrived, it had gone down to a couple of emails a week, and they were MUCH shorter. But that was okay. I was (and still am) grateful for any contact.
I think that’s been the key for me. I still worry. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. But I worry less because I trust that the relationship we’ve built will survive. That we don’t have to send a certain amount of emails a week (or daily, for that matter). I know that they won’t forget about me. They won’t decide suddenly that they don’t want to have any contact with me ever again.
So I still send emails when I have news. I still email and let them know I’m thinking about them. Every time I make a comment that I’m sure they’re tired of hearing from me, T reassures me that even though she may not respond as promptly as even she would like, that they still love hearing from me.
What do you do when you worry? Do you have something you think about that helps you worry a bit less?