Fear

Happy Saturday to all of you reading!

I hope this week has been good to all of you and I am very happy that you are reading this. I hope this blesses you in some way.

First some funny news; I recently saw a video by G and K with ML in it. I’m going to change how I refer to ML to Sock now because in that video they asked what his name was and he answered “Sock”. I laughed watching him laugh and smile.

I can’t help but be so incredibly grateful for G and K. I have read other birthmother’s stories about dealing with their children’s adoptive parents and I am astounded at the lack of kindness and respect from some adoptive parents. I guess I had rose-colored glasses when it came to adoptive parents because Sock’s are so amazing.  Why is it so hard for birthmothers and adoptive parents to get along? To respect and love each other as important people in their child’s life?

Personally I know that it was awkward and hard at first to figure out where I fit into G and K’s life. What is my role in Sock’s life? Do G and K want me really involved? What’s crossing the line? Is it ok to do this or that? I know that for the first year of Sock’s life, G and K were wonderful. Every month I got to see Sock either at K’s mothers house, the park, my house, or another public place. I got to see Sock develop and it was so wonderful. Yet at the same time I didn’t know exactly how to act in front of them with Sock. I didn’t want them to think I was trying to parent or trying to take the place of mother. I didn’t want them to be uncomfortable. After that first year(at Sock’s 1^st birthday party) things changed. The changes weren’t bad; it was just different.

I had to realize that they needed to bond as a family and I had to move forward with my life. If those two things were going to happen then there needed to be a change in visitation. So I saw Sock less. I wish I had had the courage earlier in the relationship to ask G and K what they wanted from me and what they saw my role as but I didn’t want to mess anything up.  I was scared. So another year went by without me asking vital questions that should be asked and answered from the start.

In that year (this past year), G and K moved out of state, had another beautiful baby boy and they still keep in touch. They visit every now and again and I get to see Sock at least once or twice a year. This past time that I saw him I finally had the courage to talk to G and K about what they saw as my role in Sock’s life. I didn’t know what to expect but I was nervous. What if they said that they didn’t want me in his life at all; that my role was an observer and I wasn’t to be involved in a meaningful way. The answer I got was just amazing. They see me as a meaningful person in Sock’s life. They see me as part of the family and while Sock won’t call me mom (which is just fine by me) he’ll still see me as a close friend and ally. I couldn’t ask for more.

It’s taken two years for G and K and I to work out where we fit into each others lives. While to some that may seem like a really long time, I think it’s fairly short. But back to what I said earlier in this post. I think the answer is fear. I think that both adoptive parents and birthmothers are scared. It’s understandable fear but, as I’ve found, if you can get past that fear there is a relationship that will enrich both parties lives. And yes there is the exception to this. There are some that will never get past their fear and those in semi-open and closed adoptions might also be exceptions but one can still hope that the fear in adoption can be replaced. I have to hope that one day that this fear will be gone from adoption and I am striving to make that happen to the best of my ability.

 

"It has stayed with me through my own relationships. When I fell in love and got married, I lived in constant fear of being left. Whatever you love most, you fear you might lose, you know it can change. Why do you look from left to right when you cross the street? Because you don’t want to get run over. But, you still cross the street. The best thing to hold on to in life is each other." ~ Audrey Hepburn.

Picture courtesy of Google