Wednesday, January 12, 2011
My moving forward battle consists of these things; I want to be able to live my life with my current children and my husband and move along in my faith without having to have this dreadful pain looming over me. Trying to deal with the pain while being a mother and a wife is a pretty hard task. I can't complain though, I think that being able to juggle all of those things takes a pretty strong person, and I'm happy to call myself strong. I don't want anyone to think that I'm trying push down my feelings or try to hide that I'm a birth mom. That is not my intention. I'm just trying to figure out what it is that I need to do in my own life. I feel like sometimes I am abandoning my own children while I fight this long fight. And I shouldn't be leaving them behind while I wallow in my pain.
Thankfully, I started this YouVersion where I have a devotional each day and today's was from Psalm 6:6 and I believe that many of you may understand it's meaning and be able to relate to it. "I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with tears." It has made me think that I really have spent a lot of time crying over things that I cannot change. And not putting mercy into the hands of God. Which is another fight that I have.
I want to be able to focus more attention on my children and my marriage as well as my walk with faith, but this is so hard to do when my pain is so deep. I'm still in the process of figuring out the path that I need to take...we shall see where this takes us.