Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Moving Forward....

I have noticed lately that my life is actually starting to move forward and it seems that the pain is less and less everyday. I have been fighting this moving forward phase because I don't want to forget all the things that adoption has meant for me. I know that I will never forget what adoption has done for me and my family, but whenever I start to move forward and move on with my life I feel like I'm pushing down all the feelings instead of dealing with them. But how do you deal with feelings as well as live your everyday life? I have been struggling with this a lot lately and addressing all of the issues has been the hardest thing for me. I want to be able to live my life without adoption looming over my head, but I also want people to know my story as well. It's a fight that I fight with every single day.

My moving forward battle consists of these things; I want to be able to live my life with my current children and my husband and move along in my faith without having to have this dreadful pain looming over me. Trying to deal with the pain while being a mother and a wife is a pretty hard task. I can't complain though, I think that being able to juggle all of those things takes a pretty strong person, and I'm happy to call myself strong. I don't want anyone to think that I'm trying push down my feelings or try to hide that I'm a birth mom. That is not my intention. I'm just trying to figure out what it is that I need to do in my own life. I feel like sometimes I am abandoning my own children while I fight this long fight. And I shouldn't be leaving them behind while I wallow in my pain.

Thankfully, I started this YouVersion where I have a devotional each day and today's was from Psalm 6:6 and I believe that many of you may understand it's meaning and be able to relate to it. "I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with tears." It has made me think that I really have spent a lot of time crying over things that I cannot change. And not putting mercy into the hands of God. Which is another fight that I have.

I want to be able to focus more attention on my children and my marriage as well as my walk with faith, but this is so hard to do when my pain is so deep. I'm still in the process of figuring out the path that I need to take...we shall see where this takes us.


  1. Thanks so much for sharing. I know exactly how you feel. It has been the hardest part for me- being a greving birth mother and wife/mother of 4 and getting them both to work together for good. It is hard to move forward in the beginning becuase I think we feel guilty for leaving our feelings and wanting to enjoy life. We want to laugh and smile and we get tired of crying and feeling gloomy all the time.

    Thanks so much for your transparency and sharing your rawness. I am in amazement by your strength.

    I will be thinking of you in the weeks to come.

  2. You may take offense at what I have to say, but I'll take my chances--I'm only trying to help. If your insurance (if you have any) and/or budget plus time allows, counseling can be a big help. They listen very well (most of them anyway) and can give you very good advice to help you through your struggle. Other than that, all I can say is that you DO have a life that is worth healing for, I'm sure they all understand to the degree they can what you are going through, and you have this board full of ppl who know from experience just what you are going through. Plus, I think it would be a good idea to hang a magnet or frame with the Lord's Prayer on it to remind yourself of your faith and God's understanding and help. I hope you come to terms with your loss soon. If you need to talk to someone one on one, my email is and if you don't have my phone number I will give it to you via emil.

    Take care, my friend. You are NEVER alone in your struggle and there is help and hope available to you--through God, your family and friends, and the people on this board. We are all with you!!