Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Thanksgiving Holiday & Heartache

So, I've been wondering for the past couple weeks how I would handle holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas and even little milestones. Since this week is Thanksgiving I have been thinking about how I enjoyed Thanksgiving time with my children that I already have and what I am going to miss about not having a new baby to share with the rest of my family.

With my daughter her first Thanksgiving was a riot because she was only 3 weeks old, and with Ethyn he was older and it was so much fun to see him interact with family.

When I think that we won't get to spend Thanksgiving with E or get to see his first moments maybe eating some mashed potatoes or green bean casserole, it kind of breaks my heart. I don't think it has really hit me quite yet on how I am going to feel on the day of. He is so blessed to have such a big family support and so many people that want to share their Thanksgiving with him, and somewhere deep down inside of me I wish that I could be spending it with him as well. I am wondering why my heart hurts so much during these times and why things are the way that they are. At this moment as I write this I'm not very hurt, I'm actually very calm, but I know that it's going to hit me on Thanksgiving when we are talking to family and friends about what we are thankful for how much I am thankful for him. I am thankful for E in so many ways, he has made me grow so much over the past 5 1/2 months that I can't really explain it, it's weird. Even though he is not around I still feel him in my heart.

I don't want to cry this week, I don't want to be sad, because Thanksgiving is about family, thankfulness, happiness and joy and it should be celebrated not mourned. I am in a content place this week, I think that Christmas will be the biggest hit for me, but I'll write about that another time. But I'm just wondering is how do I get through the holidays with the family that I do have here with me, instead of always missing the one person that I don't?

So much pondering and self reflection this week.


  1. This time of year is always difficult for me too....It's been almost 9 years for me ( Dec. 3rd 2001). I think that although it's very important to try to celebrate the holidays as they should be, it's also very important to grieve. We have experienced a loss, and it's important to acknowledge that loss! Don't be hard on yourself if you do "lose it"...after all, you're only human! My best advice to you is to try to take some time for yourself, and if you need to cry, then do it!

  2. Thank you annonymous :D ..

    and Von, I really have no idea if your comment was to be rude or comforting but either way I find it not very helpful. Why do you comment on my things if you have nothing constructive to say or take nothing away from my blog?

  3. Alicia I have asked Von the very same question many times after she has left similar comments on my posts. She rarely responds in support. It is always slight digs. I too am hurting this week so much I could not even post this week but I read your reply to Von and I just had to give my support. I am so sick and tired of cowards who leave such comments. Please know I understand your pain and your post helped me get in touch to why I have been crying all week. I realized where I was a year ago and was in such a happy place and now a year later and still having not met my daughter or held my child after 25 years still brings tears to my eyes and breaks my heart. Thank you for being a comfort to me in the middle of your own pain. That is what this blog is all about. To give support when needed and to take it when you are hurting. I will be praying for you tomorrow.