So, I've been wondering for the past couple weeks how I would handle holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas and even little milestones. Since this week is Thanksgiving I have been thinking about how I enjoyed Thanksgiving time with my children that I already have and what I am going to miss about not having a new baby to share with the rest of my family.
With my daughter her first Thanksgiving was a riot because she was only 3 weeks old, and with Ethyn he was older and it was so much fun to see him interact with family.
When I think that we won't get to spend Thanksgiving with E or get to see his first moments maybe eating some mashed potatoes or green bean casserole, it kind of breaks my heart. I don't think it has really hit me quite yet on how I am going to feel on the day of. He is so blessed to have such a big family support and so many people that want to share their Thanksgiving with him, and somewhere deep down inside of me I wish that I could be spending it with him as well. I am wondering why my heart hurts so much during these times and why things are the way that they are. At this moment as I write this I'm not very hurt, I'm actually very calm, but I know that it's going to hit me on Thanksgiving when we are talking to family and friends about what we are thankful for how much I am thankful for him. I am thankful for E in so many ways, he has made me grow so much over the past 5 1/2 months that I can't really explain it, it's weird. Even though he is not around I still feel him in my heart.
I don't want to cry this week, I don't want to be sad, because Thanksgiving is about family, thankfulness, happiness and joy and it should be celebrated not mourned. I am in a content place this week, I think that Christmas will be the biggest hit for me, but I'll write about that another time. But I'm just wondering is how do I get through the holidays with the family that I do have here with me, instead of always missing the one person that I don't?
So much pondering and self reflection this week.