Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Finalizing Forever

“May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.”

You've signed the papers, you've given someone the gift of life, you've been that person to heal the hole in their hearts and you've been trying to move on and move forward and live your life. But what about what happens when you find out that your adoption is being finalized? 

Some people don't get the opportunity to hear or even know about the finalization hearing let alone given the option to attend it. When Trent and I first went with our open adoption our agency told us that there would be a hearing that we would be able to attend if we wanted to contest our adoption. And we immediately said, we don't want to know about it, we don't want to know where it is, what time it is, we personally just don't want the option to say "We want him back". I mean we spent the whole time making sure that we didn't get attached, that all these big things that would even give us the chance to go back on our agreement would be taken care of by the agency. We were set in our decision the day that we signed the papers, and never would have thought to say we changed our minds. But sometimes people do change their minds and that is normal, it's a motherly instinct. We, were just not those people. 

Well, we found out through E's adoptive parents that their finalization hearing is on October 27 and that's when they will be legally Ezra's parents forever, not that they aren't already, but you all know how the law works, it has to be written on paper. And I also found out that on October 30th E will be sealed in their life for eternity through their church. 

So, the reason for this blog is just to kind of go through the feelings. When I first found out about E's finalization hearing I was happy and excited for his parents but then I started thinking and I got sad. I know that I will always be his birth mom, I know that I will always hold a place in their hearts forever. It's just different because I sometimes feel like I should be the one he calls mom, but all it takes is looking at his pictures to realize, no, I was meant to be his birth mom, not his mother. That Trent was meant to be his birth dad, not his father. But looking at it from the outside looking in I know how people feel about these sort of things. I have had so many people ask me "If you love him why don't you just go get him", but what they don't realize is that our love for E runs so much deeper than all of the technical paperwork. Our love is a bond that will last a lifetime and he is being loved by the greatest people I know and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

When I found out that E will be blessed in their church I think I was more sad by that, only because we can't be there. Money is so tight so we are just wondering when we'll get to see him again. That's a really special day and we've seen other birth mom's be able to be there for their child's blessings, baptisms, etc. and it just seems like I am in this place where I'm wondering...when is it my turn. Then I have to sit and think to myself, I will get my turn, that things happen to us when He wants them to, not when we decide. And I also have to think that we are going to be at his 1st birthday no matter what. 

I also received some amazing pictures this past week. The first set of pictures were over the past few months and when I went to put them in E's album I realized I had ran out of room and I will need to get another album, probably a bigger one. I also received a photo book of their professional photos that they had taken for when E was 3 months. I feel completely blessed to be able to receive pictures and get to see him grow up.

Finalizing forever is like finalizing hope, finalizing your child's life, that he/she is going to be in the greatest hands that He could put them in. 

So, I leave you with this...

It's never goodbye, always see you soon.


  1. Finalizing forever? it just doesn't happen that way.

  2. I agree with Von in part. As it is finalized legally with your rights stripped it is never finalized with the heart. It is never over because there is no closure. That is the part that is hard but you learn to accept it. Even after being reunited with my daughter it's still not finalized. There is relief when it's all said and done and it is finalized legally in the beginning but your heart will remind you many times that it is sad, it misses its natural love of mother and child but when you can acknowledge that in the months and years to come that is when the work begins to heal. My thoughts are with you.

  3. I never said that it was finalized with the heart, mainly what I'm trying to do is put into perspective my feelings about this whole finalization hearing. It's official, he is legally and emotionally bound to them forever. I am reminded daily, hourly, minutely every single second of the day the pain of the adoption process. I am reminded daily that I am not his "mother". I am a very hidden person, this was just my way of putting out some feelings about how it feels for me. Our adoption story is VERY rare, and very different then others. My adoption is so new, it happened literally almost 5 months ago. I'm still new to all of this. I'm hoping that through the next year I can show our change and how I'm dealing with it. I've cried many tears today and if it wasn't for my other children, my husband, and the love of Ezra and his adoptive parents I don't think I could've made it through this day.

    Thank you for your comments :D


  4. Alicia -
    Don't let anyone tell you what it should be. It is what it is. It may be differant for them. Take what applies and leave the rest. Don't worry about if people understand because who cares. You & Trent did an amazing thing. From one mother to another, Your incredible. You thought of your children & baby E. You provided him a life that you could not give, and facing that, is hard enough. Ignore others opinions and follow your heart. I know Kris & Timmy will be forever grateful to you both. And so will baby E. He is going to know you loved him enough to want what's best for him. I follow your story and cry with you everytime you write. Thank you for sharing, I know it's hard for you. I love you and hope i can be a strong and wise as you someday.

  5. Alicia I am sorry I did not mean to come across what I thought you were trying to explain, I was simply explaining for me what it has been like for 25 years. I am amazed by your strength and I know how hard the first years are but it does get easier and you are not alone. There are so many of us hurting and who cannot have a voice. Thank you for sharing your story. I would love to get to know you better and walk along side you in your journey. I have been reunited with my daughter but it has not gone well. I had to let her go again. It was horrible but I am coping. I will be praying for you and your family.
    God Bless,

  6. Von, in the LDS church, when the child is sealed to the parents, it is considered to be for all eternity, even after we die. That's what she means by the post title - according to LDS doctrine and practice, that child is now lost to her forever and part of the adoptive family for now and into the eternities.

    As a side note, the *official* current LDS policy plainly states: "Local Church leaders should discourage adopted children and their adoptive parents from seeking to identify the children’s natural parents. When adopted children have genetic or medical problems, the family may seek medical information about the natural parents but should be discouraged from seeking their identities." (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (2006). Church Handbook of Instructions: Book 1 Stake Presidencies and Bishoprics 2006. Salt Lake City: UT., pg. 173) Not sure why LDSFS and the like are telling natural families and adoptive parents something different...Maybe the official policy will change with the new version due out soon. One can only hope, especially for all of the natural families who are promised an open adoption.