“May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.”
You've signed the papers, you've given someone the gift of life, you've been that person to heal the hole in their hearts and you've been trying to move on and move forward and live your life. But what about what happens when you find out that your adoption is being finalized?
Some people don't get the opportunity to hear or even know about the finalization hearing let alone given the option to attend it. When Trent and I first went with our open adoption our agency told us that there would be a hearing that we would be able to attend if we wanted to contest our adoption. And we immediately said, we don't want to know about it, we don't want to know where it is, what time it is, we personally just don't want the option to say "We want him back". I mean we spent the whole time making sure that we didn't get attached, that all these big things that would even give us the chance to go back on our agreement would be taken care of by the agency. We were set in our decision the day that we signed the papers, and never would have thought to say we changed our minds. But sometimes people do change their minds and that is normal, it's a motherly instinct. We, were just not those people.
Well, we found out through E's adoptive parents that their finalization hearing is on October 27 and that's when they will be legally Ezra's parents forever, not that they aren't already, but you all know how the law works, it has to be written on paper. And I also found out that on October 30th E will be sealed in their life for eternity through their church.
So, the reason for this blog is just to kind of go through the feelings. When I first found out about E's finalization hearing I was happy and excited for his parents but then I started thinking and I got sad. I know that I will always be his birth mom, I know that I will always hold a place in their hearts forever. It's just different because I sometimes feel like I should be the one he calls mom, but all it takes is looking at his pictures to realize, no, I was meant to be his birth mom, not his mother. That Trent was meant to be his birth dad, not his father. But looking at it from the outside looking in I know how people feel about these sort of things. I have had so many people ask me "If you love him why don't you just go get him", but what they don't realize is that our love for E runs so much deeper than all of the technical paperwork. Our love is a bond that will last a lifetime and he is being loved by the greatest people I know and I wouldn't have it any other way.
When I found out that E will be blessed in their church I think I was more sad by that, only because we can't be there. Money is so tight so we are just wondering when we'll get to see him again. That's a really special day and we've seen other birth mom's be able to be there for their child's blessings, baptisms, etc. and it just seems like I am in this place where I'm wondering...when is it my turn. Then I have to sit and think to myself, I will get my turn, that things happen to us when He wants them to, not when we decide. And I also have to think that we are going to be at his 1st birthday no matter what.
I also received some amazing pictures this past week. The first set of pictures were over the past few months and when I went to put them in E's album I realized I had ran out of room and I will need to get another album, probably a bigger one. I also received a photo book of their professional photos that they had taken for when E was 3 months. I feel completely blessed to be able to receive pictures and get to see him grow up.
Finalizing forever is like finalizing hope, finalizing your child's life, that he/she is going to be in the greatest hands that He could put them in.
So, I leave you with this...
It's never goodbye, always see you soon.