Traditions

My son turned 5 on Tuesday.  We had a party at Chuck E. Cheese and his friends from school attended.  So did I.  We played the games, the kids rode the rides, and J's adoptive mother and I played Skee-Ball.  Because of the sensory over-load of all the lights, sounds, smells, and general insanity that one finds at a Chuck E. Cheese, we never did get around to opening presents there.  The kids got tired and just about done with everything.  So before anyone had a meltdown, we all packed up the gifts, piled into our cars and headed home.

I haven't done it yet, but I need to email J's parents about one of my presents.  It's a set of dominoes that has fruit on it instead of dots.  I got him a set of dominoes for a specific reason though: traditions.

My grandfather taught me how to play dominoes.  He also gave me my first set of dominoes when I was about J's age, or maybe younger.  I don't know if he has a set already or not.  But I wanted to be able to say I had given him one.  I loved my grandfather.  He passed away when I was very young so the few memories I have of him and the things I associate with him are near and dear to my heart.  So this year, I decided to continue this tradition.  I put a set of dominoes in a gift bag with a LEGO set and a Magic School Bus book about space.  I hope that he likes them.  Later I may give him a real set with dots and maybe I can teach him how to play.  It would be fun since there are very few things I get the chance to teach him.  I think it would make my grandfather smile too.

What kind of traditions have you passed on (if you're able) to your children?  Or are there any bits of knowledge you've been fortunate enough to pass on to them yourself?  Let me know in the comments!  And I hope you all have a good weekend!

Photo Credit

On Birthdays

 

My son, J, was born on July 14^th.  And right now it’s ten days until his birthday.  My emotions always run high around this time of the year.  And as you can imagine, the Georgia heat does not help.  I’ve been fortunate in that my son’s adoptive parents are always happy to include me in the birthday plans.  This year we are going out to a park.  He’s turning 4.  I’m still amazed every year at how much older he’s getting.  Still seems like it was only yesterday that he was a tiny baby in my arms at the hospital.  But that was a long time ago now.  Much has happened.

He’s learned how to roll over.  He’s learned how to smile.  He’s learned how to crawl.  He’s learned how to talk.  He’s learned how to walk.  He’s learned how to run.  He’s figured out how to work both of his parents’ smart phones.  He’s learned how to work YouTube.  He figures out how things work at a blistering pace.  He’s started making up stories and telling them to his parents.  He’s started playing practical jokes on his parents that are hilarious and wonderful.   This list is not necessarily in order or really complete.  But they are the things I typically think of when his birthday rolls around.

Every year at his birthday I start counting up how long it’s been.  And I also start counting up just how much that I’ve missed.  I try not to think about this at a constant rate, as you can imagine.  But when his birthday hits, I often can’t help myself.

His birthday is also an emotional journey that I take myself on once a year.  His first birthday was handled in a rather low key way.  I was moving from one city to another and it was actually taking me closer to him.  They were delighted about that since it meant that visits would be easier.  They were going out to a cabin for their summer vacation and would be there for his actual birthday.  So we met a week earlier.  We got together at a restaurant and had a lovely couple of hours together.

On his second birthday, I was invited out to their house.  This would be the first time I would meet my son’s grandparents.  It was also the first time I met his aunt and a few assorted friends of theirs.  I was introduced as J’s birthmother to everyone.  My identity was not something they felt needed to be hidden.  And all the extended family and friends were welcoming and happy to see me there.  I laughed as he played with his new birthday toys.  And I got to see the house and environment that he’s growing up in.  I have to say, it’s a great one.

On his third birthday, I was now invited out to his maternal grandparent’s house in the country near the cities where we live.  Once again, my identity was shielded from no one.  I met more friends and some kids his age that he plays with on a regular basis.  I laughed with everyone at all the funny things he did.  I delighted in his enthusiasm over books.  And we all had a great time.

His birthday has become a yearly sojourn back in time for me.  Every year when I leave, it feels like watching him go away from the hospital once again.  Every year I find I am amazed at how big he’s gotten and how old he is.  Don’t worry; I do see him more than once a year.  But it’s still a shocker every time I see him, especially when it’s his birthday.  I guess I expect to see him back to the tiny nearly 8 pound baby that I gave birth to on July 14^th of 2010.  But that’s been nearly four years ago now.

As birthmothers, I often think we live in a weird kind of dichotomy.  We are a part of our children’s lives, and yet not.  We are part of the family, and yet we aren’t.  We get to watch our children grow up, but we miss so many things in between the visits that we have.  It is better than never knowing, but knowing is its own kind of pain.  We only get to see our children at certain points in time.  And, at least for me, on his birthday, I’m always counting back through time to all the times that I’ve seen him right back to the very first time I saw him when he was born.  I live in a virtual time warp when I see my son.  And maybe one day that won’t happen anymore.  But this is what happens now.

How do you all handle your child’s birthday?  Do you see them?  If you don’t, do you have a yearly ritual?  I know this time is worse for me than Christmas.  So I know how many of you feel.  I hope all of you who are going through this right now, very soon from now, or even several months from now, get through it with friends and family and laughter and tears and all the support that you need.

Hold the Line

As you know, I have recently passed through Birthday Season. Now I would like to report that I have once more survived another birthday round unscathed. There have been years that have been peaceful. There have been years when the emotions didn't get the best of me. Unfortunately, that is not my story this year.

If you are joining us at the retreat in May, which I hope you are, I'm planning to host a breakout session on Boundary-setting. That workshop will include the shenanigans of this past week. I mean, I don't want to spoil it for you, but really? Is it really necessary to revisit these things after more than two decades? Apparently so.

And when someone in your circle steps over the boundary, the next logical question is What do I do now? Just so you know, I may be hosting this breakout session, but it's only so that I can relearn this stuff between now and then, because honestly, I'm stuck right now. This person, this boundary-breaker, is an important figure in my life and I'm stuck. They would like to just keep moving forward like nothing happened, but I can't do that. Not only did they step over the line, but they went so far as to call me names and say things to me that aren't true.

So in your experience, what have you done? How do you hold the line while keeping the relationship? It's so tempting to turn my back and walk away. But I'm not doing that. I made up my mind a long time ago that this person was going to be part of my life and I'm sticking to it.

Commercial over. Hope to see you in May. In the meantime, your advice is appreciated.

Photo credit

The Other Shoe

This week I feel compelled to write 'the rest of the story' as Paul Harvey used to say. While last week's birthday was heart-wrenching for me, it was also a day of celebration. Let me explain.

Remember if you will that my unplanned pregnancy took place in an era where that sort of thing was not celebrated nor hardly discussed. I was sent away to a maternity home to be pregnant, give birth, place the child then return home as if nothing had happened.

The God of my childhood seemed to be silent. And although I attended church every time the doors opened be it for youth group or choir or services, I was pregnant. Not in my wildest dreams had that ever been my reality.

Unknown to me at the time, the God of my childhood was indeed present and at work. I just couldn't see it until one night, close to the birth of my child, I felt that same God calling me to him. I was sitting in a church service, for we had many on the campus where the maternity home was located, and I felt a presence or heard a voice or some combination of those things. I knew I was not alone. Not for the sea of people around me, but for the peace I felt on the inside. Finally. There was peace.

And that was the cause for the celebration side of things last week. That same God who reached down and pulled me out of the pit is the same God who, 26 years later, is still by my side. He's the same one who carries me through weeks like last week and fights for me when I have nothing left.

He's still calling me, and still teaching me things about himself. Despite the sadness of last week, that fact gives me the strength to smile and have peace and continue putting one foot in front of the other.

If you want to know more, feel free to email me.

Photo credit

Another Birthday

So it's birthday week.... again. They seem to come faster and faster as the years go by, don't they? This year has been a doozy for me in a number of ways. I'm not sure I even understand why yet. But my birthdaughter, Katie, messaged me and thanked me for thinking of her and sending her a card.

Thinking of her.

That really did it. I asked her if she knew that no matter what was going on in my life, no matter where I was, I started crying like a baby the night before her birthday. Then I assured her that she has never - no, never - been forgotten by me. And then I wished her a happy day celebrating with her friends and family.

My husband can't understand either. He looks at me as I'm crying and replaying the above scene and asks, "But why is this year any harder than any other year?"

Why indeed.

Grief is its own entity. And until you've experienced it firsthand, it doesn't make sense. It lives and it breathes and it comes and goes as it pleases. There is sometimes no rhyme or reason. It makes no sense why the 26th birthday was harder on me than the 20th, or the 12th or the 3rd.

My thinking that I should have this thing licked by now gets me absolutely nowhere. So I just roll with it. I cry (this year in Wal-Mart, my car and at the dinner table) and allow myself the room to breathe.

My poor kids didn't know what to do with themselves. I could tell they were trying to "make mama happy" all day because I was freaking them out.

Now I can breathe a big sigh of relief because I'm almost through it. Who knows? Maybe next year I'll get a respite and Grief won't affect me at all.

Photo credit

Christmas Distraction

A Note from Coley: Because I am human, I goofed up and didn't get this posted last week! Enjoy it a week late!

Along with most of you, I am trying to finish up my Christmas shopping. Honestly, my husband is the absolute hardest person to buy for. Part of the problem could be that I'm distracted this year more than others.

My firstborn (birth) daughter's firstborn just turned 2.

And it's distracting me. I'm not sure why.

Could it be because her oldest and my youngest are not too many months apart?

Could it be that while I love looking at pictures of him, I have yet to hold him? That I may never hold him?

Could it be that though the miles separate us, modern transportation can take us anywhere we want to go, or need to go, or are invited to go with minimal preparation and cost?

All good questions. And I'm sure there are answers. Somewhere. Maybe even in my own heart. But honestly, I'm trying to prepare my home and my family and myself for Christmas, and if I allow this stuff to come to the surface, it may overtake me.

So for now, happy birthday little one. Maybe someday we will meet.




Photo credit

Happy (Almost) Birthday to My Daughter!

Image Credit

This time of year is always rough for me. Well, I'm only two years into this journey, so maybe the word always is a little dramatic, but you get the idea! Halloween is a tough holiday for me now. It's difficult to have a holiday centered so much around little kids so close to her birthday.

It's 8:19pm (my time) right now. Two years ago at this exact time, I was pacing around my house, trying to move my labor along, while the last few trick-or-treaters came by. I remember, oddly enough, that "Knocked Up" was on TBS while I was walking from the living room to my bedroom and back. I had laid down to take a little nap when my back started really hurting. I had been having contractions throughout the day, but suddenly they were like waves of fire down and across my back. My mother and I began timing them, and before I know it, around 11:30pm on Halloween night, I was headed to the hospital.
My labor was fairly long, and when I got there, I was only about 4cm dilated. They decided to keep me, and I remember realizing that I was in for a long journey if this was how much pain I was in at 4cm. I could not imagine getting to 10cm. I couldn't even think about it. The next day and a half are a blur to me now, so thankfully I have them written in my personal journal because I know one day I'll need to remember, or my daughter may want to know. Those are questions that only I can answer for her, and I want to be able to answer them honestly.

I remember around 11pm on November 1st (after I had been there for almost 24 hours), my doctor came in and started discussing a c-section. He said he would wait until noon the next day (November 2nd), and if I hadn't given birth by then, then we would have to seriously consider it. Luckily, around 4 a.m., my water broke and woke me out of a drug-induced sleep (probably due in part to my epidural). About two hours later, the pressure became unbearable and I buzzed the nurse in. She said she was going to "check me," and she lifted up my gown. Without even touching me, she said "oh my God," and paged my doctor. I distinctly remember saying to her immediately after, "will I have my baby sometime today?" She replied, "honey, you're going to have a baby in about 30 minutes." And sure enough, little Arianna was born at 6:31 a.m. Could my nurse have been more amazing?

Last year, I don't remember her birthday being so hard. I think I was expecting it to be extremely painful for me, so when it really wasn't, I was almost relieved. This year, though, I think I felt more brave. I think I figured that since I handled the first birthday (what I thought would be the hardest), I could definitely handle her first birthday. However, for some reason, this year it seems much harder. Maybe because she's no longer a baby...no longer just lying around or crawling around. No longer stumbling around learning how to walk, or babbling as she learns how to talk. Now she's a toddler. She's not only walking around, but running. Not only talking, but articulately calling herself by name, and someone else "mama." The magnitude of what I've lost has really sunk in in these past few days alone. I didn't just place my baby to be raised by another family. I placed my toddler, my little kid, my young adult, my adult.

I've found myself wishing I could go back in time. Wishing I could rewind the clock back two years, so I could be pregnant again at this very moment, unaware that I would get to meet my baby in less than 36 hours. Unaware of whether she would look like me or her birth father. Unaware of how much I would love her the very second I laid eyes on her curly head of hair and heard her cry for the first time. I would give anything to be that naive again. I would give anything to go back and have the chance to leave the hospital with her. That's not to say I regret my choice - but it's definitely not easy. And definitely not at this time of the year. 

How do you cope when birthdays roll around? Especially if you don't have visits with your child on or around their birthday, just like I don't?

 

Emotional Preparation

Image credit

It’s that time of year again. Though I love the holidays and will always try to concentrate on the positive, I’m dreading the emotional roller coaster as well.

You see, November 10^th is my daughter’s birthday. As much as I adore Halloween, I dread celebrating it as well because it’s pretty close to that day. Fortunately this year, Nick and I are scheduled for a visit on the 17^th, so perhaps the anticipation of seeing our daughter and her parents will lessen the anxiety and grief surrounding her actual birthday. I’ve already planned to ask for her birthday off work so I don’t have to interact with coworkers and strangers all day and act happy. I might be okay on the actual day and I might not. There’s no guarantee that it’ll be an emotional roller coaster of a day, but there’s no guarantee that it won’t be either.

After Mack’s birthday passes, there’s the whirlwind surrounding Thanksgiving and Christmas. Of course because those two holidays in particular are associated with family and I’m missing such a big piece of mine, it makes them difficult. I’m planning lots of baking and making crafts for various people, including making my BirthMom Buds Secret Sister Stocking. I’m also participating in an ornament exchange as well as making an extra ornament for a charity event, and making ornaments for our own tree. I’m hoping that the fact that I’m keeping myself busy for the holidays will mean I don’t have a lot of time to sit around and wonder what might have been. I also hope that the extra arts and crafts that I’m making will keep me distracted when I’m not participating directly in an event.

It’s interesting to me that while I don’t deny any grief I might feel during the rest of the year, when it comes to the holidays I prepare to live in denial for a few months. Based on my experiences the past two holidays I’m not certain this additional preparation is actually doing me any good. I preach all the time that there’s no way that someone who’s gone through the experience of becoming a birth parent as I have can ever go back to being the person they were before relinquishment. We can and should find a new normal but we cannot approach things the same. I don’t honestly know if this means I should expect to not enjoy the holidays or if I’ll just feel an emptiness that wasn’t there before.

Maybe that’s it. There’s a part of me that’s expecting the holidays to feel exactly the same and another part of me that knows it’s not possible. Then there’s yet another part that’s afraid to let go of the way the holidays used to be because I know that I still want to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m afraid that if I let go of the way that I used to enjoy the holidays that I will never enjoy them again instead of simply finding new ways to enjoy them.

I already find ways to include my daughter in my celebrations like making her an ornament to go on my tree and also lighting candles for her as well. The joy usually associated with inclusion in those holiday traditions is the missing piece. I’m hoping that joy will come with time. If I force the joy then I will never have the true joy that inclusion should bring.

Birthday Time

Sometimes I think the greatest thing is the passage of time. If I am in a stage of life that I don't really like, I know it will end. If I'm in a stage of life I love, it keeps me balanced to know that that too will end.

But sometimes I think the hardest thing is the passage of time. Time just keeps on going no matter what. My father passed away almost eight years ago. It has been difficult and emotional dealing with that loss. But what really saddens me some days is that in 20 years, he'll still be gone.

And so it is with Katie, my birthdaughter. This week she turns 25. And just like that, she's a grown up. I've missed all of it. The birthdays, the graduations, the celebrations. I know she's happy. She has a loving family around her. But I've missed that time and can never get it back.

Happy birthday, Baby.

Photo credit

1st Birthday Blues

So, I've been trying to figure out what I want to say and how I want to deal with all these emotions that are going through my head and I think I'm finally ready to put everything I'm feeling into words. This may become scatter brained and all over the place so bare with me as I try and get all of my emotions and words put together.


So, I guess I will start with a little back story so that everything will make sense to those of you reading that may be new to the blog or new to my posts in general,  On June 3, 2010 I gave birth to the most amazing little boy ever. His  name is Ezra and he has bright blue eyes and red hair, just like me. And tomorrow is his 1st birthday. I have made plans in the past month to take a trip to Arizona for not only my first time seeing him since he went to Arizona with his a-parents, but also for his very 1st birthday party. I leave for Arizona on June 8, the day after the 1 year anniversary of signing the relinquishment papers.


E is turning 1. A milestone that I should be so excited about. I should be so happy and elated that he is going to be 1. But there are so many other emotions that are going through my head that I don't even know where to start. I'm happy, don't get me wrong, and I am extremely happy that I get to go see him in 5 days, but the sad thing is, is that I am missing the things he is going to do on his 1st birthday. I have missed all of his milestones. I am sad that I don't get to spend his REAL 1st birthday with him and that I don't get to hold him and tell him how amazing he is and how happy I am that he is growing into such a beautiful child. But I knew that would happen when I chose this path for him and myself.


I am also kind of freaking out, not only in a good way but a sad, nervous, anxious kind of way as well. Our open adoption is very open and when I go to Arizona I actually get to stay with E and his adoptive parents. And I get to celebrate in his big day as well as help make his 1st birthday cake, which I am so grateful for. But I have this really anxious feeling that they are going to HATE me staying there, cause let me just say this I have many "obsessions" and "flaws" when it comes to living with me, just ask my husband. I'm not exactly the "neatest" person and I'm also not exactly one that is very good about cleaning up after herself. I will be the first person to admit that I'm a slob, but what I'm worried about is having to walk on eggshells while I am there because again, it's not my house and they have done so many great things leading up to me coming that I don't want to mess anything up. E's a-mom even sprained both of her ankles putting in a new bed for me. If that's not love and devotion then I don't know what is.


I guess what I'm really nervous about is the little things like when he wakes up in the morning, what do I do? Just wait....When he's hungry and wants to eat do I offer to help feed him? Or do I just sit back and watch his mom do it? When it's his bath time would it be bad to ask if I can give him a bath? Or would that be too much.


I guess I am in the "What should I do" phase or "what is the right way to go about things" feelings. I don't want to say or do something that would ultimately make them feel uncomfortable but I also don't want to feel like I'm just doing nothing. If that makes any sense.


I also have this huge urge when I'm there to just play, laugh, and have fun with him, but I don't want to take away from what his mom does everyday or her routine with him. I guess I just want to soak it all in and enjoy every single moment, laugh, smile, kiss, hug and play time that we have.


I am also dealing with this overwhelming feeling that he is going to absolute NOT like me. And yes, he is only a year old, but you know how some children are when there is a new person around they aren't usually apt to going to them right away. Even though E's mom has stated that he goes to anyone and everyone and that he is so full of love that he just spreads it around, but I just have this feeling that I'm going to be the ONE person he won't go to, or the ONE person he won't give a hug, or kiss, or even want to play with.


Hopefully all of my fears will be subsided as soon as I step off of the plane and see them at baggage claim, but a girl can't help but wonder how it's all going to go, especially when there are so many things going on, 1st birthday, 1 year after relinquishment feelings, and celebrating our first meeting since he left me over a year ago.


Oh, and I didn't even mention that I will be meeting most of their friends and family...talk about OVERLOAD. I'm not one to not be a people person, but I am kind of nervous, and freaking out all of the sudden. I guess it's because I have this "bubble" as I like to call it and I don't do well with it being "invaded". Now, I'm also a person that LOVES hugs, affection, and all of that, so try having those things put together, and you have me the big ball of affection loving STAY OUT OF MY BUBBLE mess. And don't get me wrong, I am excited to finally get to meet all of these people that are surrounding my Ezra, but I am also nervous that they aren't going to like me, or I'm not going to be all that they thought I was. I feel like I have so much to live up to and I'm kind of scared that I'm not going to be THAT person for them.


I am hoping to do some VLOGGING (Video Blogging) while I am there to document my visit and E's 1st birthday, my first time on an airplane in well over 10 years, and the first meeting in the airport so that I can share with everyone and also to have something that I can look back on and the biggest thing of all, I will have a severe case of carpel tunnel by the time I'm done blogging everything so I figured I'd try something new. But don't worry I will definitely be letting all of you amazing supporters know how it all goes.


Sorry for all of the rambling just had to get it all out there!

Birthdays

Source: www.yorkblog.com

I can’t believe it’s been more than a year since placement.  Mackenzie’s now 15 months old. 

The first birthday was rough.  Actually it started a couple of weeks before her birthday with the news that she had her first cold.  Now a cold is not a big deal.  It’s usually not life threatening.  It just tends to create a bit of misery while it lasts.  But it was hard for me.  I heard the news and just broke down.  I felt like, “I’m her momma.  I should BE there for her.  Even if I can’t fix her, I should be there.”  Add to that the fact that I knew her parents were going to be having 10 friends and family over for her birthday celebration and her birthfather and I weren’t invited.  That was rough too.  Looking back on it now I can’t see that I’d even be comfortable in a situation like that.  But at the time, it was horrendous for me to have to think about the fact that I was being denied something as basic as celebrating my daughter’s first birthday.

So I suffered.  Those two weeks between the time I learned she had her first cold and the day of her first birthday (even though her party wasn’t until the Saturday after her birthday) were the roughest time I’ve experienced so far in this placement journey.  I thankfully had some very supportive friends (that I’ve met through BirthMomBuds) that were there when I randomly contacted them and also checked on me at random intervals.  One of my friends was up with me all night the night before her birthday crying with me while she dealt with her own story.  That was an amazing experience.  I’m forever grateful for them…and BirthMomBuds.  Without this community I would have never met some of the women I consider among my dearest friends.

Now for future times like this, I’ll have an “attack plan” of sorts.  I’ll have friends that know exactly what I’m going through and that I know will be there to help get me through.  I’ll also be able to remind myself that I made it through the first birthday.  I made it through the first year with my sanity and emotions intact.  It is said that “what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.”  So this experience made me stronger.  I have hope.

Is there anything special you do to get you through times of grief like birthdays or holidays?  Do you have supportive friends to turn to?

Support and Birthdays

"I keep thinking of that moment, because that's when she really started to live." - Tyler talking to Catelynn about the day they said goodbye to Carly.....

The past few weeks have been some of the most emotional weeks I’ve had in quite awhile. It doesn’t help that the past three episodes of Teen Mom almost seemed to coincide with situations that were occurring in my life as a birthmom, and writing about that was just too hard to do. So here I am, 3 weeks late on what I think about Teen Mom, but ready to share my thoughts and feelings.

Coming from a two parent, middle class household, where mom and dad did everything they could to provide us with the things we needed, you would’ve thought my family was the Cleaver family or the Brady Bunch. But that’s what things looked like from the outside. The emotional and verbal abuse from my family has always gone on for as long as I can remember growing up. Being that I was the oldest of the three of us girls, there was always more pressure on me to do what they wanted me to do, and there was hell to pay when I deviated from their plans for me. It was more subtle when I was younger, but definitely became more apparent once I told my family that I was pregnant with C 7 years ago. That’s when I got labeled as the “Family Screw Up.”

The verbal and emotional abuse continued well after I had C. It was the main factor in deciding to place Hope for adoption. I didn’t want another child brought into a home where they saw their mother constantly brought down by their family. I didn’t want her to see me cry or be sad because I wasn’t “good enough” for my family. It was bad enough C has to see his mommy go through that from time to time, even though I do my best to suck it up when he’s around. But there was no way I could bring another child into this mess.

This “mess” ended up only getting worse after I gave birth to Hope. My family has had the hardest time accepting the adoption and the fact that my princess is in the hands of a wonderful couple who are better suited to give her all the things I could never provide. I know they are angry and hurt by the fact that I didn’t give them the opportunity to get used to the idea that they were going to have another grandchild. I understand that they are hurt because she is a piece of them since she is a piece of me. I get it, but I don’t get why they continue to bring me down when they see for themselves how bad I hurt.

I will never ever forget the day my family and I were sitting at the dinner table a couple of years ago and my dad blurted out “All the problems in this family are because of you. It’s all your fault.” I know he was referring to my choice to place Hope. I remember not wanting to live anymore after that day. I remember hurting to the point of being unable to breathe because, while they didn’t respect me, I respected them, and could not believe my dad would say that to me. Those words stuck to me even after my dad denied ever saying that to me. This is part of the reason why I push myself to succeed in life – to have the last laugh.

During last week and the previous week’s episodes of Teen Mom, I felt a heavy pain in my heart. I wanted to hug Catelynn and tell her that even though her mom didn’t understand her, I did. I wanted to tell her that I support her and am proud of her and would never make her feel bad for the choice she made to give Carly a better life. I would tell her those things because they are things I wish my own mother would tell me. Just like Catelynn’s relationship with her mom since the adoption has crumbled, so had my own relationship (or what little I had) with my mom and it breaks my heart. The anger and rage that her mom has, the emotional outbursts, I totally understand. While my mom is mild compared to Catelynn’s mom, and my mom is way straight edged compared to the mess that makes up her mother, the feelings that they share towards our choice for adoption are similar, if not the same.

I find that after watching the previous two episodes before this week’s, it was hard to take in for the mere fact that Hope’s birthday was coming up and watching the show was only a constant reminder of the pain in my heart. This year, on September 9^th, my sweet angel turned 5 years old. Her birthday marked 5 years since the moment my life changed forever, since I fell in love with those beautiful brown eyes, dark curly hair, and inherited dimples. This was the hardest birthday to get through, one I labeled as a “Milestone Birthday”.

I considered this to be a Milestone Birthday because SO MUCH has happened in the past 5 years, let alone 5 months or so. I have grown so much as a birthmom and have felt emotions I never had an opportunity to feel since placement. I have accepted that I am a birth mother, and while it doesn’t define who I am, I can no longer deny that it is a big part of who I am today. I have “come out of the closet” and am no longer afraid to share my story. I no longer have fear of being judged or looked down on because I know that being a birthmother is one of the greatest jobs I could have ever been given.

Watching this week’s episode of Teen Mom couldn’t have come at a better time. Just 5 days after having gotten through Hope’s birthday, this episode featured Catelynn and Tyler celebrating Carly’s first birthday. They sent her a gift and got to talk to her on the phone. They were able to talk about their memories and share their feelings with one another. It was a bittersweet episode that ended with the two of them blowing out a candle on a cake for her birthday. It proved that they didn’t need her mom or his dad, or anyone else for that matter. They had each other.

Getting through the tough times, like birthdays and holidays, wouldn’t be possible without the support from others. No one in my family directly mentioned Hope’s birthday last week, at least not to me. No one in my family gave me a hug or said that they were thinking of me as I got through this tough time. My mom did get mad, however, because an aunt questioned her about my status on Facebook and wanted to know what it was all about. Afterall, the adoption is a “family secret”.

It’s ok, though, because I have an amazing group of friends and coworkers who made sure I got through this Milestone in one piece, and I did. I got texts, phone calls, e-cards, Facebook messages and ims. I got flowers delivered to my job (thank you, friend ). I went out to dinner with friends and hung out with my boyfriend and my son over the weekend to help ease the pain… and it did. Without all of that, I don’t think I would’ve been able to make it through, so I thank those of you who were there for me. It means the world to me to know that so many people care about me. Once again, thank you, friends, because of your support, I’ve made it one year closer to the day I hope to see her again.

Birthday Letters

If you are not already doing this, I encourage you to sit down each year around your child's birthday and write him or her a birthday letter.

I actually started this tradition with Noah, the son I am parenting. His first year of life had so many ups and downs because of medical issues stemming from his prematurity that a few days before his first birthday I sat down and wrote a letter to him briefly recapping everything that we had been through in that first year of his life. When his second birthday rolled around I did the same and it just became a tradition. I’ve put them up for him to read one day when he is older.

Around Charlie’s first birthday as I was thinking about what I wanted to do for his birthday, Noah’s birthday letters came to mind. It seemed only natural to sit down and write a letter for Charlie each too.

I usually do include a little bit about something that happened during that year of Charlie’s life, such as a field trip to the apple orchard. Last year I decided to make the letter more scrapbook style and added a few pictures in with the letter.

A birthday letter is a tradition that would work with any type of adoption. If your adoption is closed, instead of sharing things you’ve done with your child, share things that have gone on in your life in the current year and then include a picture or two of yourself and other children if you have any. Hang on to the letters in a special spot and when you and your child are reunited you’ll have a great stack of letters as tangible proof that you thought of him/her each and every birthday.

So, if you are writing your child a birthday letter, what do you include in the letter each year? And if you are not, why not start this year when your child's birthday rolls around. It doesn't matter what age he/she is - it's never too late to start a new tradition!

Birthday Party Tips

Our children's birthday is an emotional time for most of us. In open adoptions, you may be given the opportunity to attend your child's birthday party. Like many moments in open adoption, birthday parties can be bittersweet. You are excited to be there celebrating your child's life but you may feel a little sad at the same time.

When Charlie's first birthday party rolled around, I was a bundle of nerves. What should I wear? How should I act? How would other people respond to my presence? What if I cried or things got too tough for me emotionally while I was at the party? Many questions and scenarios floated through my head.

Now, eight years later I have a few birthday parties under my belt and feel that I can share a few tips with you on how to make attending birthday parties a bit easier.

• Go early or stay late -Try to schedule a little bit of one on one time before or after the party so you (birthmom) can spend a little bit of quiet time with your child. Parties can get crowded, noisy, busy, and overwhelming pretty quickly so you may not actually be able to have much one on one time with your child, so going a bit early or staying late remedies this.
• Take a break – If you get overwhelmed emotionally (and you might) take a quick breather. Excuse yourself to the bathroom, step outside, or busy yourself with a distraction.
• Offer to help - Parties can sometimes be difficult to get everything ready and done by a certain time so your child’s Mom may appreciate the help (either before with preparations or after wards with clean up) and it will make you feel more involved and useful. This can also be a distraction if you are feeling overwhelmed emotionally.
• Bringing guests – If you wish to bring other people with you (aside from people who are already assumed to be coming with you like husband or boyfriend and parented children) check ahead of time and make sure it is ok.
• Activities for Parented Children – Depending on the age of your child there might not be much for your parented children to actively participate in at the party. Unlike older children’s parties where there are typically games and activities that your parented child could participate in, some of the early years birthday parties (first and second birthdays in particular) typically do not have games or activities as everyone just sits around and watches the birthday boy or girl be cute, play in the cake, and open presents. This could leave your parented children antsy after a little bit, so bring some small toys or books to occupy them should they become antsy.

If you are invited to your child's birthday party and just feel uncomfortable or too emotional about attending, I suggest that you don't force yourself to attend. Suggest an alternate activity such as getting together for cake and ice cream or meeting at a park and doing your own birthday celebration there.

If you have attended your child's birthday party, how did it go? Do you have any tips or suggestions on how to make it easier and a positive experience?