Saturday, June 4, 2011

1st Birthday Blues

So, I've been trying to figure out what I want to say and how I want to deal with all these emotions that are going through my head and I think I'm finally ready to put everything I'm feeling into words. This may become scatter brained and all over the place so bare with me as I try and get all of my emotions and words put together.

So, I guess I will start with a little back story so that everything will make sense to those of you reading that may be new to the blog or new to my posts in general,  On June 3, 2010 I gave birth to the most amazing little boy ever. His  name is Ezra and he has bright blue eyes and red hair, just like me. And tomorrow is his 1st birthday. I have made plans in the past month to take a trip to Arizona for not only my first time seeing him since he went to Arizona with his a-parents, but also for his very 1st birthday party. I leave for Arizona on June 8, the day after the 1 year anniversary of signing the relinquishment papers.

E is turning 1. A milestone that I should be so excited about. I should be so happy and elated that he is going to be 1. But there are so many other emotions that are going through my head that I don't even know where to start. I'm happy, don't get me wrong, and I am extremely happy that I get to go see him in 5 days, but the sad thing is, is that I am missing the things he is going to do on his 1st birthday. I have missed all of his milestones. I am sad that I don't get to spend his REAL 1st birthday with him and that I don't get to hold him and tell him how amazing he is and how happy I am that he is growing into such a beautiful child. But I knew that would happen when I chose this path for him and myself.

I am also kind of freaking out, not only in a good way but a sad, nervous, anxious kind of way as well. Our open adoption is very open and when I go to Arizona I actually get to stay with E and his adoptive parents. And I get to celebrate in his big day as well as help make his 1st birthday cake, which I am so grateful for. But I have this really anxious feeling that they are going to HATE me staying there, cause let me just say this I have many "obsessions" and "flaws" when it comes to living with me, just ask my husband. I'm not exactly the "neatest" person and I'm also not exactly one that is very good about cleaning up after herself. I will be the first person to admit that I'm a slob, but what I'm worried about is having to walk on eggshells while I am there because again, it's not my house and they have done so many great things leading up to me coming that I don't want to mess anything up. E's a-mom even sprained both of her ankles putting in a new bed for me. If that's not love and devotion then I don't know what is.

I guess what I'm really nervous about is the little things like when he wakes up in the morning, what do I do? Just wait....When he's hungry and wants to eat do I offer to help feed him? Or do I just sit back and watch his mom do it? When it's his bath time would it be bad to ask if I can give him a bath? Or would that be too much.

I guess I am in the "What should I do" phase or "what is the right way to go about things" feelings. I don't want to say or do something that would ultimately make them feel uncomfortable but I also don't want to feel like I'm just doing nothing. If that makes any sense.

I also have this huge urge when I'm there to just play, laugh, and have fun with him, but I don't want to take away from what his mom does everyday or her routine with him. I guess I just want to soak it all in and enjoy every single moment, laugh, smile, kiss, hug and play time that we have.

I am also dealing with this overwhelming feeling that he is going to absolute NOT like me. And yes, he is only a year old, but you know how some children are when there is a new person around they aren't usually apt to going to them right away. Even though E's mom has stated that he goes to anyone and everyone and that he is so full of love that he just spreads it around, but I just have this feeling that I'm going to be the ONE person he won't go to, or the ONE person he won't give a hug, or kiss, or even want to play with.

Hopefully all of my fears will be subsided as soon as I step off of the plane and see them at baggage claim, but a girl can't help but wonder how it's all going to go, especially when there are so many things going on, 1st birthday, 1 year after relinquishment feelings, and celebrating our first meeting since he left me over a year ago.

Oh, and I didn't even mention that I will be meeting most of their friends and about OVERLOAD. I'm not one to not be a people person, but I am kind of nervous, and freaking out all of the sudden. I guess it's because I have this "bubble" as I like to call it and I don't do well with it being "invaded". Now, I'm also a person that LOVES hugs, affection, and all of that, so try having those things put together, and you have me the big ball of affection loving STAY OUT OF MY BUBBLE mess. And don't get me wrong, I am excited to finally get to meet all of these people that are surrounding my Ezra, but I am also nervous that they aren't going to like me, or I'm not going to be all that they thought I was. I feel like I have so much to live up to and I'm kind of scared that I'm not going to be THAT person for them.

I am hoping to do some VLOGGING (Video Blogging) while I am there to document my visit and E's 1st birthday, my first time on an airplane in well over 10 years, and the first meeting in the airport so that I can share with everyone and also to have something that I can look back on and the biggest thing of all, I will have a severe case of carpel tunnel by the time I'm done blogging everything so I figured I'd try something new. But don't worry I will definitely be letting all of you amazing supporters know how it all goes.

Sorry for all of the rambling just had to get it all out there!


  1. I totally get what you're going through. I think all of us that have the privilege of visits with our children understand the turmoil you're experiencing. I've never met my daughter and her parents anywhere but a public place - I definitely don't think I could handle staying with her and her parents. I still get nervous every time I get ready for a visit - thinking do I look good enough that they won't think badly of me for something I do or say? It never feels that way when I actually see them, but I can't help myself. Try to just breathe, and enjoy it all, and most of all, don't force yourself on E. It's hard for me to not grab my daughter the instant I see her, but sometimes it takes her a while to warm up to me. E might not be like that at all, but I would strongly suggest to go into it expecting him to take a bit to warm up and not hoping that he'll reach right for you and then get crushed if he doesn't. I hope that makes sense. Know we're all here for support and are looking forward to pics, blogs, and vlogs about the awesomeness! :-)

  2. You're very brave, thanks for inspiring me on the eve of my lil one's 1st bday.