Thursday, June 2, 2011

Everyday Conversations can be Difficult Too

While there are often comments that people say directly to us knowing that we are birthmothers that can sting or bother us, many times there are comments or situations that may hurt us as birthmothers that people are not intentionally directing towards us or even mean to be hurtful. No one tells you before you become a birthmother about the normal everyday conversations that may become difficult at times.

For example, J, a friend who is a birthmother was recently discussing a comment that someone made that that cut her to the core. The comment was not directed towards her and the person wasn’t intentionally being mean. She was just venting to some other ladies at church about some of the things that new mothers have to deal with, such as no sleep, getting up multiple times through out the night, the late night feedings, not being able to sleep for extended periods of times, etc. etc. and then ends the comment with a sigh and says that she guesses every new mother knows that and goes through that.

Those words hurt J she describes it as feeling like a knife was being drilled into her heart. You see, J is a new mother herself but she is a new birthmother. She doesn’t know exactly what a new mother goes through because she is missing it. Yes, she was missing all those not-so-fun things that every new mother deals with but she was missing so much more. She was missing all the firsts her new born was experiencing. She was missing snuggle time and so much more.

I know most birthmothers would have gladly given up sleep and comfort if they were parenting their babies. I certainly would have. It’s really hard to sometimes hear people talking like that, especially for new birthmothers. It can be hard hearing others discuss babies, motherhood, and even going to baby showers. It’s just another thing that we have to deal with as birthmothers.

What about you - have you had any difficult everyday conversational moments like I describe above? 

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  1. This is something I did not fully anticipate when I started my journey as a birthmom. It can hit at the most random times.

  2. I never anticipated the things that people would say to me, but more than that, the looks of sympathy that I am given when I tell people about my decision and how happy I am. It is just so frustrating to be so excited and even your closest friends give you this awful, gut-wrenching look like "Oh, you poor thing." However, I have found great comfort in being about to take the negative energy I endure from these things and give it back as positive, more informative energy. Nothing makes me more sure with my decision than educating someone else on the benefits of adoption for my daughter and about the statistics of the whole thing. It seems to be very eye-opening for other people.