Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Mother's Day or Birthmother's Day?

Mother’s Day is around the corner. This is a difficult day for a lot of us, but I think that the difficultly is for a host of different reasons.

Each year I reflect on how special Mother’s Day must be for Frogger’s mom, P. It is a special day for me knowing that P is a MOM and I was a part of that.

The hardest part of Mother’s Day for me is that friends and family are afraid to acknowledge Mother’s Day for me (even though I have Ladybug). I understand that they are afraid they are going to hurt my feelings or bring up painful memories. But, honestly, the part that hurts the most is the avoidance from others on that day.

When Frogger was still with me I had a friend that went out of his way to make sure that Frogger got something for me (I was a single mom, so there was no one else) on Mother’s Day. This friend would slide a card under the door. He would leave a bouquet of flowers on my doorstep with balloons. One year he even arranged for bagel delivery at 8am so I would have “breakfast in bed.” Ladybug was born in 2001, 3 years after placement, and 12 years ago. Yet, I rarely get a card. I don’t think I have ever gotten flowers, and I most certainly do not get breakfast in bed.

I am a mom. I am a mom to a beautiful little girl. I was a mom to a handsome little boy. I am a mother.
I am curious how other birth moms feel about Mother’s Day. Do you wish others would acknowledge you on that day? Do you wish that you could avoid that day?

I have mixed feelings about Birthmother’s Day, the Saturday before Mother’s Day. I feel as though in some ways it diminishes our role as mothers. We are ALL mothers, even if we do not parent our children. We may not be “mom”, but does that mean we are no longer a mother? Does that mean we are only entitled to the title of “Birth Mom”? On the other hand, maybe for some Mother’s Day is too painful.

I think that we need to speak out more. Stop being ashamed, or scared, or simply allowing ourselves to be diminished of the role we play in the adoption triad. Our children are real to us. Just as real as to the person who is parenting.

Perhaps, I am way off in my thinking. Perhaps, most believe, that as birth mothers, we should have a special day acknowledging the sacrifice, the hardship, the pain that comes along with our side of adoption.

What do you think, Mother's Day or Birthmother's Day?


  1. Thank you for voicing your thoughts. I've been struggling with my own about Birth mothers day all week. I only recently found out there was such a day and yet it was first celebrated the year I adopted my son out in 1990. My mixed emotions come from the belief that Mothers day is a day to honor and respect the mother in your life to show gratitude and love for all that she is and all that she has done. Therefore should BirthMothers day not be the same? Or are we celebrating the selfless act we did, are we celebrating the birth of our child and the chose we made to give them something we could not at the time?

    1. Thank you for so eloquently putting this into words... it definitely has made me more open to both days, perhaps carrying different meanings.

  2. Hey girl.. well said! I always hated mother's day until I became a mommy. Now it still makes me mad that my mom can celebrate with me now that I'm a mommy the 'right way', but refused to acknowledge my motherhood all those other years.

  3. Beautifully said.......It is okay to speak out and be proud! I celebrate Birth Mother's Day with my daughter every year. I am so proud of her being a Birth Mother. It is truly a blessed day!