Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Roller-coasters: Emotional & Circumstantial

My adoption closed almost 5 years post-placement from semi-open. I'm not sure if all the emotional aspects are the same for me or not as I reach one of the final milestones. But Frogger will be 18 this fall. 

It’s a struggle. I am so excited that I will finally reach that major milestone where Frogger can, by law, contact me. I am also afraid of getting my hopes up. Yet, I cannot help but to be excited.  I have done countless hours of research through the years, so I know that boys are less likely to seek out their birth-family, especially, early into adulthood.

Frogger is a part of my daily life. His pictures are throughout my house. My daughter, Ladybug, knows about her brother and has questions and expectations of a reunion as well. My family and friends remind me often that this is the year he turns 18, as though I forget.

Adoption is not only a roller coaster of emotion, but of circumstance as well. Will he want to meet me? Will he want to know me? Did he have the happy life that I had hoped for him? In spite of my believing in my decision, was it, in fact, the right one?

What about his parents? How are they feeling as Frogger’s 18th birthday comes barreling towards us? Are they encouraging him to reach out or are they afraid of losing him?

It’s a roller-coaster  If he doesn't want to meet me is it because he feels that I abandoned him? Or is it because I truly did plan such an amazing life for him that he doesn't feel like a part of him is missing? And if he does not choose to connect, is the opposite is true?

I have had many people suggest through the years that my placing after parenting must have been more difficult than if I had placed at birth. I don’t think that is true. I had the opportunity to know him. I had the opportunity to be called “mummy”, by my son. There is no mistaking that I was his mom. It allowed me to know that my decision was because I thought he needed more than I could give. I have never felt that other’s made the decision for me. I have never felt that I was placing because of other people’s expectations.

All of the above is why I am here. I want to be able to help others on the “Adoption Roller-coaster . I want to tell my story, and maybe I can help someone. And most of all, I want Frogger to be able to find at least a small part of his story even if reunion is not his choice.

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