I am a mother. I am a mother to my pre-teen daughter, “LadyBug”. I am also a mother to someone else’s son. I was “Frogger’s” mom first. I was his mom for 2 years, 6 months, and 10 days. THEN he became someone else’s son.
On some days, it feels like that spring day was just yesterday. Other days, it seems as though it was so long ago it never happened. Most days it feels just like it was, just over 15 years ago.
I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant. I felt as though I was so much older than I was. I had spent a long time living with a much older man and raising his children. He was physically abusive, but it was my mission to be there for his daughters. I was stable for them and I loved them. Then I was pregnant. That is when it hit me that ultimately I had no control over what happened with his children. But, I was ultimately in charge of what happened to the child that was growing inside of me.
I left one night to go to the “store”. In reality, I went to the airport to escape 1,000 miles away. My father was amazing. At the time I felt he was overbearing, controlling and so incredibly disappointed. While all of those things may be true, I now know it was because he loved me. He wanted to protect me.
Throughout the years, and especially in the beginning of the adoption, a lot of people asked me “How?”. How could I parent for 2 ½ years and then just “give” him away? I did not “give” my son away. I made a plan for his future. I made a choice for him that has been the hardest decision I have ever had to make. It was not about me. It was not about what I wanted or what I needed. I made a choice to give my son a life less likely to be defined by financial struggle. I made a choice to give him two parents instead of one. I made a choice to give him love by allowing someone to raise him and parent him that could give more than just the infinite amount of love that I could give him.
I do not regret my decision in the least, although, at times it can be overwhelming how much I wish it was different back then. I am excited to be able to share my story and to hear stories from all of you. I am sure I will cover the period of time that I was simply, mom, or “mummy” as Frogger called me, but also the roller-coaster I call life since placement.