Hard Words to Say

Trigger warning: This post deals with post placement pregnancy.....

For the past few months, I find myself to be in familiar territory. Yet at the same time, very new territory. Instead of being cryptic about it like I have been with everyone lately, I’ll just say it – I’m pregnant. These past 12 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me.

                Despite the fact that this pregnancy was “planned”, and that I am now married, because of the situation I was in just 2 years ago when my son was born, it feels somehow like I’m doing the wrong thing by being pregnant. It has been so confusing for me dealing with all of these emotions. I feel like I’m betraying my son, I feel like I don’t really deserve to parent this baby, and I’m terrified that something is going to happen to take this baby away from me. Some days I feel so scared to connect with this baby because my connection with my birth son was so immediate and so fierce and that has led me to become vulnerable to a lot of hurt and pain. This baby is no more or less wanted than my birth son was, and will be no more or less loved. But I’m not going to lie, it’s almost scarier this time.

                Going to doctor appointments is scarier. Now I have to answer questions like “is this your first child?” or “and how is your other child, is he healthy?” Well, I’d assume so, haven’t heard otherwise! Telling my family was horrifying in a different way this time too. When I first told my parents, I had to say it all very quickly in one sentence so they wouldn’t ask questions that I didn’t want to hear. It came out something like “we’re pregnant but it was planned so don’t worry and this needs to be a good thing so I need you to be happy about it”. I think I was more nervous telling them this time than I was last time (granted, last time I did tell them in an email). Facing the public is scarier. People constantly assume that this is my first pregnancy. They like to give me advice on what to expect, and tell me things like that my baby probably won’t be too big because I’m very small. Oh really? Because my son was 8lbs 12oz, so I’d say that’s pretty big! But I don’t say that. I don’t correct them. It hurts too badly to go down that road. I hate the fact that I'm terrified of telling people because I'm afraid of their reaction.

                Around week 6 or so, the baby is the size of a lentil. During that week, I sent my husband a picture of some lentil soup and told him how I really wanted to eat it, but told him I couldn’t do it because it felt like cannibalism. I was half kidding, but waited to eat the soup. Ever since then, we call the baby The Lentil. I hope that loving the Lentil won’t make my birth son feel betrayed in the future. I know how very much and how very strongly I loved my birth son from the very beginning. I’m almost scared that I won’t be able to love the Lentil enough. I have missed my birth son more in these last 12 weeks than I expected to, and there have been a lot of emotions come up for me that I didn’t anticipate.

                I hate the fact that whether a pregnancy is planned or not matters, but it does seem to matter to other people. Yes, my husband and I planned to have this Lentil (although we did think it would take us a little bit longer than…immediately), and no, my birth son was not planned. But you know what? Both of my babies were wanted. And both of my babies are loved. Mom, birth mom, step mom, all of my titles aside. I will always love all of my children more than they can possibly understand, something my own mom used to tell me, and now I do understand. I hope they know that. I hope I will always be a positive person in their lives, someone they can look up to. I may not have it all together, nobody really does. But what I do have is an endless supply of love. And hugs to give. Just ask my husband. I’m sure it drives him crazy sometimes.

Photo Credit

Preparation

I was prepared. I was ready for everything that I have encountered in the last several years, from my placement, to my wedding, to my pregnancy after my placement. I researched, I reflected, I weighed the pros versus the. cons in every decision that I made. I knew that I would be sad, and I knew that I would feel fulfilled, and I knew that in the end I would have happiness.

Until I wasn't prepared.

The hard thing about life is that no matter how ready you think you are for something, reality smacks you in the face. This reality came to me after my youngest child was born. My husband and I had planned her from the beginning. She had a beautiful room in the house that we had purchased, our families were ecstatic, and I could hardly wait to finally have a baby that I would be able to bring home. The weeks flew (OK, they dragged) by and before we knew it we were at the hospital getting ready to have a baby.

My enthusiasm gave way to exhaustion somewhere around hour 17 of a 24 hour labor, but when it came time to deliver my daughter, I was able to complete the task. We were elated and completely in love. Life was wonderful.

Until it wasn't.

Several hours after her birth nurses discovered that my daughter wasn't doing as well as we had thought. This led to an emergency ambulance transport, a NICU stay, and me leaving the hospital with empty arms, yet again.

I think this is where it started for me, the anxiety. It got worse when my daughter got home. All I could think about was losing her. I was overwhelmed by a crippling fear of something terrible happening and losing my motherhood all over again. I would hardly sleep, spending my nights watching over her, making sure that she never missed a breath. When my daughter would cry, I would tremble, clenching my hands, and pacing through the room. I would do my best to please her as quickly as possible, but at times it just seemed impossible. I would find myself in the middle of a room, crying, hyperventilating, knowing what to do, but being unable to do it.

I realized that I had a problem when I quit leaving my house. I would take my baby to the grocery store when it was absolutely necessary, and I found myself wrapping her tightly to my chest in a baby carrier, never willing to risk a disaster, regardless of how small the gamble was. I was on constant alert, viewing the world as one dangerous situation after another.

After a particularly rough week, I made an appointment with a psychologist. When I left my first meeting with her, I brought something with me; a diagnosis of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I was shocked. I have never been to war, I have never seen death, I have never been a victim of sexual assault, I don't fit the mold of someone who would suffer from PTSD. At least that's what I thought until she told me that many birth mothers suffer from this, usually after it is triggered by a life event (like the birth of a child). I have an incredible open adoption, and I have never once regretted my decision. However, the experience of placing a child was most definitely a trauma and I've come to see that it will continue to influence me for the duration of my life.

The great news is that PTSD is can be treated quite effectively with talk therapy. During my sessions (and outside of them), I worked hard with my therapist to rewire the way that my brain perceived things. It was difficult and it took a lot of work, but as time went by I became more outgoing and less fearful. After “graduating” from counseling I have been able to resume all of my previous activities. I enjoy going out to places and no longer view the world as one enormous accident waiting to happen.

I guess that what I'm trying to say by sharing this, is that if you ever are feeling like I felt, it is not your fault. It doesn't mean that you made the wrong choice by choosing adoption and it certainly doesn't mean that you did something faulty. I worry that other birth moms feel the way that I felt and don't get the help that they need. Adoption can be a wonderful thing for some, but it is also overwhelmingly difficult, and there is no shame in needing help, no matter how long ago your placement was. I received counseling for PTSD over 3 years after my adoption. I had no signs prior to the birth of my youngest child. I was secure in my decision, and happy with my life. I had everything going for me, and was ready for anything that life was going to throw at me.

Until I wasn't.

 Has adoption affected you in ways that you never anticipated? What are they, and how have you been able to work through them?   

Every Corner of My Life

I believe being a birth mother is an amazing blessing. I have learned so many things through my journey, and it has made me the person I am today. I also believe in some ways, it makes some things harder. Obviously there are all the emotions and pain we go through, but I also believe being a birth mother affects the relationships we have. In my life I see this, particularly in new relationships (ones who didn't know me before I was a birth mother). I do not think these relationships are harmed in any way, and often they are nourished because of my journey, but they are very much affected. These people never knew the person I was before, and they cannot understand the journey I traveled to get to where I am today. Without the experience of those very formative months of my life it is hard to fully understand me. 

I have recently been very aware of how my husband (and I'm sure others) pay for some of the things I went through during my pregnancy with my son. I had a very difficult time with the birth father and his entire family. There was very little respect or concern for what I was going through. When my son was born they showed a sense of entitlement to this baby which they had not done anything for or seemed to care for in any way. I was this pawn for them in their game, and only useful when they were getting something from me. 

As I have gone through other pregnancies I have experienced similar feelings with

my husband's family. It is in no way the same situation, and there is not the same hatred and disrespect surrounding it all. However, there is enough that the feelings are the same for me, and because of my experience with my son's birth, I am thrown right back to that time six years ago. 

I know in many ways this is not fair, and it is very hard for people to understand when they did not walk that path with me the first time around. For me, it is real. The feelings hurt all over again and the fear of a repeat is clear in my mind. It brings it all back in the form of flashbacks and memories which feel as if they are occurring at that moment. 

It has become important to me to set boundaries. I know that I have certain triggers which make everything harder, and unfortunately, just giving birth is one of them. While the experience with each child is different and special, it also puts me back in that place. Being in the same hospital going through labor once again, it is impossible for me to completely separate the situations. I know this is hard for others to understand, but for me it is my reality. So I try my best to help others understand and I work very hard to prepare myself for these feelings and prevent what I can.  

Being a birth mother is such an incredible gift. It is part of my story, and whether people realize it or not, it reaches into every corner of my life. It can pop up at any time in any way imaginable. I don't have it all figured out yet, and I probably never will. What I do know is that those people who are worth having in my life will take the time to try and understand, and still accept me when they cannot understand. It's all part of the journey. 

 picture credit

Rainbow Babies

Over the past week I came across a new term, when scrolling through Facebook. I saw a post about “rainbow babies” that sparked my curiosity. As I read the article I learned this is something people reference when dealing with miscarriage or infant loss. People who have a baby following such a loss refer to this second child as their rainbow baby. The idea is that rainbows are beautiful gifts that follow a storm, in many ways like being given the blessing of a child after the terrible loss of another. While I would never want to take anything away from this kind of loss, because I cannot even imagine the heartache, I believe this positive idea of “rainbow babies” fits perfectly with my own story. Adoption is a completely different kind of loss, but a very real and deep loss none the less. I think for many birth mothers this is a fear as they carry on with their lives and may later find themselves at a place in life where they are able to provide everything a child needs and they are given another gift.

For me, my second pregnancy was one that brought about more emotions than I ever dreamed possible. I was afraid I couldn’t love the baby I carried as much as my son, because I was not going through the same adoption journey the second time around. I worried it would cause more sadness to have one baby with me, while my son was not there to share in our family. However, when my daughter, Ava, was born everything became perfectly clear; somewhat like the calm after the storm. She was by no means a replacement for my son, but rather a special gift I was given after a loss. She was my rainbow baby. She offered a piece of my son through their connection, and physical resemblance. However, she was entirely her own person. Any fears of confusion or inability to love both children was immediately quieted. She was my angel. She came to me and allowed me the chance to be the mother I dreamed I could have been for my son. It did not replace that which I missed with Aidan, and would always be missing, but it filled a different void in my heart. I feel that because of the loss and heartache I felt at not being able to parent Aidan, I was able to fully understand the gift I was being given. I was even more grateful because I knew the pain it was to sacrifice for your child.

When you know great loss, I believe you are able to love even more fully. Knowing what I had given up for my son, allowed me to be an extraordinary mother to my “rainbow baby”, Ava, as it has to all my girls. As I prepare for the birth of our newest daughter in next weeks, I am reminded of this gift I am being given. I would give anything to have the chance to have those moments with my son and be his one and only mother, everyday, all the time. Knowing what I gave up reminds me of the blessings I have with me in my girls, my very own rainbow babies. 

Picture Credit

The Birth of a Baby

My son, Aidan and I after 32 hours
of labor. 

Since my son's birth and the creation of an adoption plan, my life has continued to grow. I have two beautiful little girls and I am expecting another one in the next few weeks. While it is so joyful to experience the birth of more children and the growth of my family, I can't help but feel moments of great sadness as I await the arrival of a new baby. 

This pregnancy has brought back so many memories of the moments that lead up to my sons birth. With all my pregnancies I have had health complications, but this one has felt the most like that of my son. My health has become a real concern and I have spent time in the hospital. As I have sat in the hospital waiting for tests results and praying I could go home and keep this baby growing inside a little longer, my mind quickly drifts back to six years ago and the month I spent in that same hospital feeling those same things. Despite the differences I can only see the similarities and feel it all over again. I often find myself with irrational fears of my daughters birth. They come in hazy feelings like a memory that is happening all over again. I worry I will not be allowed to be her mother, I worry about feeling those same things I felt when my son was born and my heart was taken away from me. 

I am excited to be having another baby and for the most part my rational thinking is able to prevail, but at times I feel as though I am 17 again, scared and about to face one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. So as I await the birth of my newest precious baby, I pray for strength to face the hospital and the familiar feelings that come with having a baby. I know that this time it is different, yet as a birth mother a part of me will stay in those moments. It is all part of the journey. 

 

 

 

July

This new month already has me thinking....

July is the month my first daughter that I got to parent was born.

I remember clearly the 4th that year... big, fat and pregnant, just waiting to pop. My mom had decided to come up and camp out until I was due on the 11th. 

We were all surprised when our girl didn't make her appearance until the 20th.

What a different scene that was from the first time I had given birth. The second time around my mom was so helpful and supportive that it made me mad because she was so UN those things the first time around.

I mean, right or wrong, her daughter was having a baby. Yet all she could see was my disgrace. My sin. Her embarrassment.

All of that has faded now. I'm glad my mom is in my life and in the lives of my children. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Just thinking....

Photo credit

Pregnancy after Placement by Guest Blogger, Katelyn

We have decided to start accepting guest bloggers (if you are interested, please email us!) and I'm so pleased to introduce our first guest blogger, Katelyn. She blogs at her blog titled, My Angels from God. Katelyn is going to share some of the fears she felt and experienced as a birthmother dealing with a pregnancy years after  placement. 

*************

To start off I thought I should introduce myself.  I'm Katelynn and I'm a birth  mother to a beautiful Angel named Ally. She is 4 1/2 (born in May of 2007).

I am an adoptive mother to a handsome Angel named Cayden, he is 4 1/2 (born in April of 2007).

I am also the biological mother to Jaxson.  He is 7 months old.

I have an open adoption with Ally.  I see her a few times a year and her mother sends me emails when she has time (she's a mother of 5 so when she has time is wonderful).  I have a semi-closed adoption with Cayden's birth mother.  I update a blog for her when she likes me to.  Cayden will be able to meet her in person when he's old enough to understand the past.  I became Cayden's Mommy just after his second birthday.  He is my husbands biological son.

There is a certain list of fears that comes along with placing.  For me the biggest fear was that I would never have another daughter.  However there were many other fears.

A fear that I never thought about until I was living it, was the fear that I wouldn't be able to have more children.  I was told the chances of me ever carrying another pregnancy full term was slim to none.  I was heart broken, devastated, and all at the same time angry.  After 2 miscarriages I was able to carry past 15 weeks and was told my pregnancy was healthy.  I had come full circle with motherhood.  But there were still many emotions that I wasn't prepared for.  I was completely and utterly terrified to tell my family I was pregnant.  It made NO sense at the time.  I was married, we had been trying to get pregnant, everything was right.  Why was I so scared?  I thought about it for a long long time until I realized that the last time I had told my family I was pregnant was  horrible.  There is a look that a mother gives their child when she is disappointed... that look breaks hearts.  That look was what I was so entirely scared of.  But after I told them and they became so excited I realized that nothing was going to be like my last full term pregnancy.

My pregnancy was by far not easy.  I lost a total of 42 pounds being pregnant.  Needless to say I was sick ALL the time.  But that wasn't the worst part.  I lived many of the fears on my "list of fears"  but my biggest fear was the hardest for me to deal with (at least for now).  I was pregnant with a boy and asked "why" so many times.  Why did I have to live through all of my post placement fears.  There had to be a reason.  I'm still unsure of the reason to tell you the truth.  When we found out our baby would be a boy I cried for a good 2 weeks.  I was told many times that I should just be grateful I was pregnant.  I was told that crying because it was a boy would make my child feel unloved.  No one was there to tell me that all my crying was normal.  It was ok.  It was HEALTHY!  Throughout the pregnancy I had a hard time connecting with the baby.   I had a hard time realizing he was "mine".  I distanced myself from the baby and in fact until I was nearly 6 months pregnant NEVER called myself the baby's "mommy".  I was so worried about connecting with the baby because of how I had distanced myself from Ally.

I tried to "prepare" my self for this delivery.  There would be so many things similar to Ally's delivery that I knew I had some gearing up to do.  However I went into early labor in January and was completely and utterly unprepared for the onslaught of emotions that hit me in the delivery room.  I also wasn't prepared for the multiple trips to Labor and Delivery.  I was put on bed rest and made 4 trips to the hospital to stop my labor.  When Ally was born she was sick and I was terrified that if I had my baby boy was born early that he'd be sick and then I'd have to deal with all those emotions all over again.  I knew that I needed to make a "hospital plan" and I knew there would be some people that didn't like it.  I had decided that I didn't want anyone to come to the hospital, including family members, and was told by one of those family members "you do realize you're actually taking this baby home with you."  Honestly that was the last thing I needed to hear.  I was angry and hurt.  No one understood the feelings I was dealing with.  They didn't understand that for the rest of Ally's life she isn't mine.  They didn't understand for the rest of Cayden's life his first 2 years will never be mine.

During my pregnancy with Jaxson I felt crazy.  I would freak out at the smallest things people would do.  When Daniel would ask me how I was doing it was hard to answer him because I didn't know how I was doing.  I was an emotional basket case.  Feelings that I hadn't dealt with in years were coming back and I didn't understand why.  Being pregnant there are emotions that everyone deals with but being pregnant after placing those emotions become so complex and strange.  So if you feel like you're abnormal because you have crazy moments where your emotions are out of control and you don't understand it... you are normal... it is real... and believe me... it works out in the end!

My family in May 2011