Wednesday, September 9, 2015

The Birth of a Baby

My son, Aidan and I after 32 hours
of labor. 
Since my son's birth and the creation of an adoption plan, my life has continued to grow. I have two beautiful little girls and I am expecting another one in the next few weeks. While it is so joyful to experience the birth of more children and the growth of my family, I can't help but feel moments of great sadness as I await the arrival of a new baby. 

This pregnancy has brought back so many memories of the moments that lead up to my sons birth. With all my pregnancies I have had health complications, but this one has felt the most like that of my son. My health has become a real concern and I have spent time in the hospital. As I have sat in the hospital waiting for tests results and praying I could go home and keep this baby growing inside a little longer, my mind quickly drifts back to six years ago and the month I spent in that same hospital feeling those same things. Despite the differences I can only see the similarities and feel it all over again. I often find myself with irrational fears of my daughters birth. They come in hazy feelings like a memory that is happening all over again. I worry I will not be allowed to be her mother, I worry about feeling those same things I felt when my son was born and my heart was taken away from me. 

I am excited to be having another baby and for the most part my rational thinking is able to prevail, but at times I feel as though I am 17 again, scared and about to face one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. So as I await the birth of my newest precious baby, I pray for strength to face the hospital and the familiar feelings that come with having a baby. I know that this time it is different, yet as a birth mother a part of me will stay in those moments. It is all part of the journey. 



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