Recently a friend in another group posted this question: What has been your hardest decision? While we are all birthmoms in this particular community, I noticed that she didn't reference adoption specifically but rather left the question wide open. After reading some of the other responses and formulating my own, here is how I responded:The choice for adoption was not hard for me. I knew from the beginning that I was not able or equipped to give my daughter what she needed. I knew that she needed two parents who were emotionally and financially stable enough to care for her needs. I was neither.
Forgiving the birthfather was tough for me. It took me six long years to work through my feelings, emotions and anger towards him before finally realizing I needed to forgive him so I could move on.
Forgiving myself was even harder than that. I continued punishing myself for years after I had let go of my anger towards Chris by telling myself over and over that I was worthless, that it was too late for me. I had messed up too much and there was no hope. No one would ever want me again so I might as well do what I wanted with whom I wanted. I was as worthless as trash.
But even as hard as those things were for me, probably my biggest challenge was trusting God with all of it. The God of the Bible tells us that he can use any and everything to bring glory to himself. In Romans chapter 8, Paul tells us, ...there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.
Having been raised in church and having literally no where else to turn, I gave God a try. The road didn't get any easier, but for the first time in my life I felt truly accepted, truly loved, despite all I had done. Regardless of my stupid decisions and times I had made bad choices, God loved me. He wasn't ashamed of me, ashamed of my unplanned pregnancy. He wasn't afraid to walk with me, to hold my hand, as we journeyed through those dark places in my soul and He healed them.
Adoption wasn't my hardest decision, not by far. It has been trusting God to take the broken pieces of my life and put them back together in a way that is beautiful and useful.
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With my story, I didn't have much of a choice in losing my daughter to adoption. And that pain is brutal, but it's something I have to go through. I think, for me, the hardest part in that was making the decision to focus my pain into something proactive. When you're deep in grief, it is one of the most difficult things to pull yourself out of it and not get lost in it so to speak. I had to focus my anger into action instead of reaction, if that makes sense. Also, forgiving God has proven to be something that even after 12 years, I haven't accomplished. I like to think he understands though.
ReplyDeleteOh lady... I'm so sorry this is so grieving for you still. God loves you and grieves with you.
Delete<3 thank you! I knew going into this I would be grieving, I just didn't realize that with that grieving I would find out that I, as well as my daughter, had been wronged. I wasn't prepared for the anger. But finding out how to channel that into doing good..that's been a blessing.
DeleteTeri, Beautifully said! I’m glad to of found this relationship with a God who loves me and is not looking at my life through the same lens I door others. Oh how He loves us. Too many an adoption story is a painful memory or truth in their life they wish never accrued. Truth for me is adoption brought me closer to my relationship with God. I wept the moment I realized God gave his Son for me to inherit the kingdom of God. Despite all my sins, the hard times and even a cross.
ReplyDeleteAhhh Lani.. thanks for the understanding.
DeleteMy hardest decision was adoption. I have two other children and the horrible thought that I made decisions that led to chosing adoption hurt. I never thought I could or would ever have to do that. When I spent time with her in the hospital I just wanted to bring her home. Every single reason I had for the adoption were well thought out reasons from my heart. It seemed like my head and heart were fighting. I fought to find a reason to keep her. The only reason was that my heart wanted her. So its been a month and a half. Shes in a great place and I have time to devote to my other children.
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