Recently a friend in another group posted this question: What has been your hardest decision? While we are all birthmoms in this particular community, I noticed that she didn't reference adoption specifically but rather left the question wide open. After reading some of the other responses and formulating my own, here is how I responded:
The choice for adoption was not hard for me. I knew from the beginning that I was not able or equipped to give my daughter what she needed. I knew that she needed two parents who were emotionally and financially stable enough to care for her needs. I was neither.
Forgiving the birthfather was tough for me. It took me six long years to work through my feelings, emotions and anger towards him before finally realizing I needed to forgive him so I could move on.
Forgiving myself was even harder than that. I continued punishing myself for years after I had let go of my anger towards Chris by telling myself over and over that I was worthless, that it was too late for me. I had messed up too much and there was no hope. No one would ever want me again so I might as well do what I wanted with whom I wanted. I was as worthless as trash.
But even as hard as those things were for me, probably my biggest challenge was trusting God with all of it. The God of the Bible tells us that he can use any and everything to bring glory to himself. In Romans chapter 8, Paul tells us, ...there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.
Having been raised in church and having literally no where else to turn, I gave God a try. The road didn't get any easier, but for the first time in my life I felt truly accepted, truly loved, despite all I had done. Regardless of my stupid decisions and times I had made bad choices, God loved me. He wasn't ashamed of me, ashamed of my unplanned pregnancy. He wasn't afraid to walk with me, to hold my hand, as we journeyed through those dark places in my soul and He healed them.
Adoption wasn't my hardest decision, not by far. It has been trusting God to take the broken pieces of my life and put them back together in a way that is beautiful and useful.