My Name Is...

     

 The definition of the word identity is "the fact of being who or what a person or thing is".  Usually, the first identity that we learn about each other is our name. But, we are so much more than just our names, aren't we?  What I have learned in my short, yet very long, 21 years of life, is that usually, people aren't ashamed of their first identity, their name. When we introduce ourselves, we lead with something along the lines of "Hi, I'm ______. Nice to meet you!" We take ownership of it. So, why then, are we ashamed of our other identities? We all have that one identity that we just keep locked up in the closet, or hidden under the bed. We feel a certain sense of shame about it. But we don’t have to. Everyone has got a past. Everyone has got a story. Yes, some identities may hurt, and some you may wish that you didn’t have. But you have to own it. Each and every single thing that you identify as, whether you are proud of it or try to hide it, has helped to shape you into the beautiful and incredible person you are. So, here is who I am.

I am a birth mom. I am a new wife. I am a step mom. I am a daughter and a sister. I am a student studying physical therapy. I am a little crazy and a little broken sometimes, but that’s okay because I think most of us are. I have made mistakes, but I am not defined by my mistakes.

The best “mistake” I ever made was getting pregnant 2 years ago, when I had just turned 19 days before. The birth father made it clear that parenting was not an option, but other than that, the decision was mine to make. I still laugh about that. I felt very alone in my pregnancy. Even though I was in a relationship with the birth dad, lets call him Paul, I still felt incredibly alone during my pregnancy. Paul and I had just moved to the very center of Philadelphia so that he could go to school. I basically gave up everything and followed him there so he could be my support system. I guess the idea was better in my head than it ended up being in real life.

By early October of 2013, when I was just a few weeks pregnant, I was feeling really alone and desperate for answers. I hadn’t told anybody but Paul at this point, not even my parents. I was in a dark place and just had no idea what to do. I didn’t have insurance, I didn’t have a doctor, and I really couldn’t afford to be pregnant without those things. Since day 1, I wanted the very best for my baby. I hoped that the best could be me, but without the support from Paul, which he refused to give me, I knew I wasn’t enough. That night, I just felt so stuck. I needed something to click, to make sense. I just laid in bed thinking for hours. I needed some kind of sign for what to do next.

I got my sign. Weeks before this day, I was scrolling through Facebook and remembered seeing something that my cousin had posted. She posted a link to a website and said that one of her coworkers was looking to adopt, and she was helping him get the word out. I didn’t think anything of it when I saw it at a quick first glance, I don’t even think I comprehended it. I really never considered adoption until that exact moment, on October 1^st, 2013, when I remembered what I had seen. I immediately called my cousin and said “don’t worry, this isn’t about me, but I was wondering if you knew who these people personally who are looking to adopt”. She told me she did, and told me a little bit about their family and how great they are. So I spent a long time looking through their website. It was now pretty late in the evening, but I sent them an email telling then who I was and about my situation. I prayed that they would contact me back somehow that evening, because honestly, that was our last hope.

They did. Days later, they drove to Philly from their home in Manhattan and sat with Paul and me in a local park for hours. It was the most uncomfortable “first date” in the world at first, but it quickly became very natural and I think we all fell in love with each other. After that day, I felt relieved. I knew my child would be okay. I honestly had the thought of “wow, I wish these guys were MY parents."

I think we all have moments in our life when we can pinpoint a change. The moment I met the future adoptive parents, everything changed. I didn’t feel so alone anymore. I was still terrified, but now of different things, things that I could handle. That day, I stopped being an “I”. Now it was a “we”.

My adoption story is far from perfect, and I feel sad about it very often. But as often as I’m sad and hurt by it, I’m so incredibly grateful for it. Before my son, I was lost. I let my mistakes and my pain define who I was. I have learned so much from striving to be great for him. He is my motivation, my courage, and the reason I’m a fighter now. One day, I’m going to meet this beautiful boy that I created through more than just pictures. I will be able to stand up before him, and tell him all that I am now because of him.

Now, I am strong. I have determination and drive. I am his birth mom. I am a wife to the best husband I could have dreamed of, and a step mom to a crazy but beautiful little girl. I am someone who has big dreams and never gives up hope, even when it’s hard to find. These are my identities. The good ones and the bad ones. This is who I am, and I’m proud of it.

My name is Jackie and I'm a new blogger here at BirthMom Buds. 

The Moment I Knew

Some of you may have read this title and assumed I would be writing about when I found out I was pregnant, but that involves a not so classy CVS bathroom with my best friend that isn't my favorite thing to share, haha!

When did you know that you had met your son/daughter's future parents? I remember it like it was yesterday.

I had looked through a few books of families and honestly, I had a feeling they were the ones before I even met them.  They were a hopeful couple who had struggled with infertility and wanted a baby to complete their family more than anything.  The woman was a a 7th grade special education teacher who coached middle school basketball and the man was a police sergeant.  They lived in Savannah, Georgia, which was about 4 hours from me.

I remember worrying about how I would greet them, do I hug them? Do I shake their hand? This was so small but it was the first impression and I wanted it to be absolutely perfect.  And it was.  I was told beforehand that the lady from the adoptive agency would be prompting us throughout the meeting to keep it going nicely and allowing us to get to know each other.  I do not remember her saying one word throughout the meeting because with my mom, the future adoptive parents, and myself, she couldn't get a word in!! I had a list of questions I came in with and I remember asking them question after question and they said an honest response every time, not trying to give me the perfect answer.  In my eyes, it was the perfect response every time though!

We had so much in common.  

When they left, I remember them giving me their phone numbers, address, and emails.  This is such a rare blessing.  They both gave me long hugs, I think we both knew.  On the way home, I texted them ultrasound pictures of Noah.

 I couldn't wait to see them as a family.

Photo Credit

How I Picked My Son's Family

I realized that I haven't talked that much about my adoption story. So I wanted to start with how I picked the couple who would have my son.

I was in my parent's house.  I was sitting in front of my mother's computer.  And I had finally gotten up the courage to look at the list of prospective adoptive parents on the adoption agency website.  The list was two pages.  And it went in order alphabetically by the husband's first name.  I looked at the first profile written by the couple.  And I felt nothing.  Just felt like, nope.  Not the ones to have my kid.  At this point I'm already berating myself for turning down a perfectly good couple.  I didn't know what I was looking for.  But I had to find a couple who would take my son.  The second couple on the list made me smile for one reason: my boyfriend's name and the husband's name were the same.  At the time I said out loud,

"Wouldn't it be funny if both his dad's had the same name?"

I was joking.  But then I pulled up their profile and started reading.  He was an English professor and a musician.  She was a painter.  They wrote a letter directly to me saying they couldn't imagine what I was going through and how hard this decision must be.  They each wrote a letter about each other and described one another.  By the end of it, I said out loud,

"His life just might have to be funny."

But like every girl in the world, I couldn't settle for the second dress I tried on.  I went through and read every single profile on that list.  Every one.  But none of them spoke to me the way theirs did.  None of them said to me, "Yes, these are the one to have your child."

Over and over again I went back to their profile.  When my boyfriend and I finally decided adoption was the best idea, I told him about them and about who they were.  He read the profile and without reading any others he agreed, it had to be them.

I went to the adoption agency to get set things in motion.  And I was given a binder full of profiles to look through.  I calmly paged through each one.  But at the very end was the couple I had mentioned before.  Now I got to see pictures of them with family, in their home, what the nursery looked like.  I saw them dressed up and ready for church.  And I saw them dressed down and playing with the dog.  And I knew, these were the ones to raise my child.

This July it will be five years since my child was born.  And I have never second-guessed my decision to place my son with his parents.  I may question why I did it and if it was the best idea.  But choosing them I have never second-guessed.

There is no one way to pick the people who will have your son.  I've heard multiple stories, and all of them different.  Some knew from looking at the profile because of a butterfly picture or something else that spoke to that birthmother.  I know some who had it down to two, but once meeting them they knew exactly which couple was going to have their child.  There is no right or wrong way about this.  You choose who you think will do the best job at raising your child.  I high suspected mine was going to be a creative creature from the very beginning.  As it turns out, I was absolutely right.  So I put him with a painter and a writer/musician.  Whichever way his creativity takes him, I have no doubt that he will be supported in his endeavors.

I hope you're all doing well.  Those of you who will be at the retreat, I will be seeing you soon!

Open Adoption, Plan It

Open adoptions can be wonderful! I love receiving email updates about cute things my (birth) son has learned to do and the adorable photos which capture the smile I passed on to him. 

When adoption was decided on and the family chosen, I think the only thing we didn't have a plan for was how open the adoption could, would, and should be.  I knew that every open adoption was different and I could not mirror a single one. 

With my adoption situation, I thought it would be fine and I wouldn't have any problems.  The couple was very friendly and we became close during the remainder of the pregnancy and for the first six months of the child's life.  Then life slowly went back to normal for them and I kept on grieving. 

I thought they would just know how and when to communicate, but they didn't, and I ended up being disappointed many times.

Usually pictures and emails arrived two to three weeks apart, then gradually it started to slow down.  When I did receive anything, I would be caught off guard and I would break down sobbing, like placement happened all over again. 

The important thing that I have learned is to make an open adoption plan.  This would be an agreement made between the birth parent(s) and the adoptive parents and would include the following:

• Methods of Communication (email, text, Facebook, snail mail, etc.)
• Frequency of Communication (once a week, month, etc.)
• Visits (where, how often, who can come)

One thing that I learned from not having a plan was that I should have had a plan!

(Editor's Note: We'd be remiss if we didn't add that adoption plans are not legally binding in all states and that sadly, open adoptions can be closed without a birthmother's permission or even knowledge. But when done right with the best interests of the child involved, open adoption can be a positive thing for all involved.) 

Do you have an open adoption plan? What are some things you have learned about having a plan for open adoption? What has worked for you?  And what hasn't worked for you?

Please post your comments, they may help someone else. 

Hard Love

One of my main goals for telling my story is to change the perception of adoption. Unfortunately, unplanned pregnancies happen. Why is the main stream so tied to Parenting vs Abortion? Why is there so much shame and stigma towards Adoption?

I believe I knew in the beginning, while still pregnant that I was not equipped to parent my son and provide for him as he deserved. But, I fell into the trap thinking that my choices were parent or abort to be accepted by those in my life. If I had an abortion no one had to know. And, well, if I parented then “I stepped up”.

I tried. God knows, I tried. I parented for 2 years, 6 months, and 5 days.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I felt confident that adoption was a viable option from the beginning. I believe the healing process would have been easier had the shame and guilt not hung over me like a cloud on a stormy day for so long.

We, as birthmothers, do not love our children any less. We, as birthmothers, are not looking for a way out from responsibility. This may sound a little self-righteous, but when people look at me in horror when I tell them about the adoption and say things like, “I could never GIVE my child away, I love him too much.” I want to answer back, “Maybe I loved my son MORE than you and that is why I did everything I had to, to make sure he had the best life possible.” It is not that I truly feel that way. I just cannot grasp why others believe that is what adoption is about.

I was excited when the movie Juno came out. Finally a movie about a birth mom. They did a good job, overall. But, I was angry. I was angry that they did not show an accurate portrayal of the roller-coaster this teen mom would go through. I had not heard of the movie that Natasha just reviewed, Like Dandelion Dust, but I'm disgusted with the portrayal of that movie as well. 

Adoption is HARD, but it also BEAUTIFUL. Adoption is not weak, it is BRAVE. Adoption is not selfish, it is SELFLESS. Adoption is not shameful, it is INSPIRING. Adoption is not indifference, it is LOVE. These are the key words that need to be used when discussing adoption.

No one wants to find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy. None of us want that for our children, family members or friends. But it happens. It will continue to happen. I wish everyone who found themselves in that situation immediately thought parenting or adoption. I may be pro-choice, but I do not believe anyone should feel that is their only choice if they are unable to parent.

I want to educate others to be pro-active regarding adoption. I want the media to build adoption up, not tear it down. I want us, as birth mothers, to be able to hold our head high, not be tempered by shame or guilt. We chose good things for our children. We planned more promising futures for our children. We should NEVER feel bad for that.  

When Did You Know?

I've heard many different stories about how and when expectant parents chose adoptive couples, and how their experience affected the openness and closeness after the adoption.

I'm conflicted on whether I think there's an "ideal" situation, because what may work for one person may bring more difficulty to someone else. I didn't consider adoption until seven months and we didn't choose a couple until shortly before my delivery. This naturally meant we hadn't developed a relationship with the parents, so our updates following were more formal than those of my friends who described their relationships and contact as very close and open.

However, unlike one would expect, my late change of mind didn't make the decision harder. I was always a tomboy, never a girly-girl. I dreamed of owning and breeding horses, not getting married and having children. I watched cats and dogs for money growing up, instead of babysitting like so many of my peers. I was raised an only child and just never really had experience with children or motherliness. I'd imagine this was a big reason for my detachment during pregnancy. Even with my next pregnancy and this current one, I am just not a rub-the-belly, singing-and-talking-to-baby-in-the-womb kind of momma.

All of that goes out the window when the baby is born, though, don't misunderstand. I cried in the delivery room and spent as much time as possible with R while I had the chance in the hospital.

But thinking about my experience and hearing all of the different stories of other birthmoms, or expectant parents who later change their mind about placing with an adoptive family, always intrigues me.

So, what about you? Did you grow close to the adoptive family throughout your pregnancy? If so, did that make it easier or harder to make your decision? Were you naturally attached to you pregnancy or did you work to stay detached?  Do you wish things had happened differently?

Photo Credit

Choosing Open Adoption

I’ve been thinking a fair amount recently about the reasons one would choose open adoption versus closed. This isn’t an argument for adoption over any other choice. Once the decision is made to choose adoption, whether you are expecting a baby or whether you’re a hopeful parent who has chosen adoption as a way to complete your family, there is a subsequent choice to be made. Do we want open or closed?

Image credit

I grew up around adoption. My dad was adopted by his parents at the age of five from foster care. My dad has never been reunited with anyone from his birth family. When he initially expressed curiosity at the age of 40 about meeting his birth family his mom responded so negatively he dropped it. Once she passed away he found out a little more about his birth family and now he’s tormented. He’s tormented with the desire to know his biological relatives but afraid that they might have grown up in negative circumstances and just use him as a paycheck if and when they meet.

If you’ve read anything of my story, you know that my daughter was a complete surprise. I didn’t find out about the pregnancy until the day she was delivered via emergency c-section. My agency caseworker told me that I could have an open adoption and might be able to watch my daughter grow through letters and pictures, so when I said I’d like that I had no other knowledge of why open adoption should exist and the reasons we should choose it.

With the prevalence of open adoption today you would think it would be easy to find reasons to choose open adoption instead of closed. I’ve learned much of what I’ve learned about open adoption from people who are and have been living it. I’ve seen the benefits from all sides of adoption – the birth parent(s), the adoptive parent(s) and even some from adoptees that have grown up in open adoption situations. However, you still have to search for many of these accounts. They’re easily accessible to me now that I’ve immersed myself in adoption the way that I have, but it took me a while to find the stuff. The most valuable resources to me in this search have been personal blogs.

I would like to think if I had the same decision to make over again that I’d do it with much more knowledge of the benefits involved besides just the benefit of being able to watch your child grow. Though that is definitely a benefit, I believe that it shouldn’t be the only benefit considered. We as birthmoms relinquish our children to adoption to give them a chance at a better life than we feel we can provide for them, which is an unselfish choice. If we choose open adoption solely for our own benefit then it focuses that decision for our child’s benefit into a choice for our benefit.

The following are the reasons I would choose open adoption if I had the knowledge back then as I do today:

1. My daughter won’t be tormented, like my father is, thinking that her biological family will find her and try to use her and/or her family someday. She will know without a doubt that my intentions, as well as those of her birthfather and extended birth family, are pure and loving when it comes to both her and her family.
2. My daughter will grow up secure in the knowledge that her parents won’t feel betrayed if she wants to contact me or other members of her birth family at any time.
3. My daughter will grow up with a complete picture of who she is, including both the parts she gets from her biology and the parts that she explores because of her adoptive family’s nurture.
4. I will not live in fear that I made the wrong choice in the family I chose for her because I will know (and do know) that I made a good choice.
5. My daughter will have more than just access to her history of disease as she grows.
6. My daughter’s parents will have the opportunity to love their daughter for everything she is, including the parts she gets from her biological family.

Open adoption is not an easy choice. It comes with days of pain as well as days of pure joy. But I’m glad that I as well as her parents chose and continue to choose an open adoption relationship because it benefits her.

Why would you choose open adoption? Any reasons that I didn’t address?

Choosing a Family

That cutie right there? Yeah,that's Blake again, which must mean I am back! I can't believe it's time for post number two, and yet here I am nervously typing to you again.

This week I think we shall talk about...hmmm...why I chose the family for Blake that I chose. I know I said in my other post that I just felt it from the beginning, but I guess it was a bit more complicated than that. I have been thinking about this today more than most days because I am in a birthmother group here in Seattle and there is a woman there who is pregnant and considering (leaning heavily towards) placing. She actually asked us last night how we knew we had chosen the right families.Short of God brought them to me (I am not a faith-full person) I actually had to think about it for the first time.
I knew that H & T were very stressed by their inability to have children of their own, as most acouples are. Wait, I should start at the beginning, makes things more logical I suppose. So H (adad) was Erik (biodad)'s boss. Erik went to H one day confused and told him about our situation. After H found out we were considering (really, had decided on) adoption, he gently told Erik that he and T were also considering adoption, just from the other end of the spectrum. H &T are very hard working, down to earth people. Each comes from a big family, where there is no shortage of love. I knew that I wanted my child to go to a home where he would know the value of hard work, not be spoiled for spoiled's sake. Does that even make sense? I hope so. H & T have been together since high school, I knew that this was not a new romance, but something seasoned, that was ready for the struggles of a child.

When Erik and I would make the 5 mile trip to their house for my (almost) weekly visits, there was no awkwardness. Yes, I was pregnant with what could be their child, but they also knew I was a person. That meant the world to me. I actually remember telling them that they could only have Blake if I could tell everyone H was my baby-daddy. I know its corny now, but we were that comfortable. T came to every one of my doctors appointments and was very excited for everything. I knew that she would love Blake. I guess the real reason I knew that they were the family for my son was that they had waited so long, weathered so much together, and yet could still laugh about it. I have told this story a thousand times, but what really cemented it was when I was at the hospital in labor and Erik, T and I had two minutes alone together. T looked at me, and with all the love in her heart, said 'If you guys decide you can't do this, you can have our baby stuff." I knew she wanted this baby, but at that moment, I knew she wanted the best for him, no matter where he was.

I know now that they are the right family because Blake tells T that she is his best friend, that when he grows up he wants to be just like H. Little things like that break my heart but heal it all at the same time.

How did you ladies know?

Adoption-ology

As you are educating yourself on adoption you may run across terms that you are unfamiliar to you. Below is a list of some of those terms along with their definitions.

• Adoption decree – Legal order that finalizes the adoption to the adoptive parents
• Birthparents, Birthmother, and Birthfather – Refers to the people who biologically created the child. NOTE: There are also other terms that can be used to refer to a birthmother such as first mom or life mom. Birthmom just happens to be the one most commonly used. Also, you are not a birthmother until you sign relinquishment papers. Until that moment, you are simply an expectant mother considering adoption.
• Closed adoption – Birth parents do not meet the adoptive parents and no contact is maintained after the birth and placement of the child.
• Confidential Adoption - A more up-to-date term for closed adoption.
• Familial adoption – Adoptions in which the adoptive parents and birthparents are related in some way (Also known as kinship adoption, relative adoption, or interfamily adoption.)
• Home study – Assessment of the adoptive parents’ ability to provide a healthy and happy home. All adoptive parents must complete a home study before adopting. The home study includes background checks, doctors’ reports, financial information, etc.. and is conducted by a licensed social worker.
• Open adoption – Refers to adoptions where the birth parents and adoptive parents have met and have some level of ongoing contact with each other. Contact can include letters, pictures, visits, etc. NOTE: In most states, open adoptions are NOT legally enforceable.
• Openness Agreement – Document that states the intended amount of contact in an open adoption between the adoptive parents and the birthparents. NOTE: These are not legally enforceable.
• Relinquishment papers – A legal document that birth parents must sign terminating their parental rights. NOTE: The laws regarding when a parent can sign relinquishment papers vary in each state.
• Semi open adoption – Birthparents and adoptive parents may meet prior to the birth of the child, but typically do not know identifying information about each other. Contact can be maintained through a 3rd party.
• Triad – Term used to describe the 3 parties represented in adoptions: the birthparents, the adoptive parents, and the adopted child.
  

Pack your Bags!

Somewhere in the third trimester of your pregnancy (or the end of your second trimester if you just know you are going to go early like I did!) you probably should go ahead and think about packing a bag with the items you will need to have ready so that when you do actually go into labor, you are prepared and do not have to fumble around packing your belongings. It’s also a good idea because you are able to choose the personal items that will make you feel more comfortable, not have someone else do this for you which could happen if you do not have a bag packed and have to head to the hospital rather quickly. But what should you take to the hospital with you?

Suggested items include:

    * Birth plan or hospital action plan
    *  Pajamas/Night Shirt, robe, and slippers
    * A few pairs of socks to keep your feet warm
    * Telephone numbers of family and friends (may want to bring a calling card as well)
    * Camera and/or video camera (Check with the hospital staff on their policy regarding videotaping in the delivery room)
    * Barrette, rubber bands, or scrunchies if you have long hair
    * Stop watch to time contractions
    * Insurance card and other needed medical information (If you pre-register through the hospital they will probably already have this on file, but it’s a good idea to bring it just in case.)
    * Toiletries (shampoo, toothbrush, tooth paste, hairbrush, etc.)
    * Snacks as hospital food can be yucky!
    * Hard candy or lollipops (Your moth will get dry during labor, but check with the hospital staff on their policy of food and candy during labor.)
    * CD Player and soothing music to help you relax
    * Chapstick for dry lips
    * Outfit to leave the hospital in


Once your bag is placed, stick it in an out of the way place such as a front closet so it will out of the way until its d-day!

Photo Credit

Hospital Memorabilia

Recently an expectant mother making an adoption plan asked me if she would be allowed to have the keepsake items from the hospital stay when her baby is born and I realized that this may be something other expectant mothers making adoption plans are wondering about too.

By keepsake items, I am referring to all the items from the hospital, like the little birth certificates with your baby’s footprints on it, hospital bracelet, the little hat, the hospital blanket, crib card, etc.

I’m sure older birthmothers from the closed adoption era were not allowed to have these items, but nowadays things are changing. You are allowed to have these items and it is YOUR choice then to decide if you want to share them with the adoptive parents. Nowadays, many hospitals will even make duplicate copies of the birth certificate with footprints if you ask them to.

A lot of birthmothers do keep these items. I did and they are all safe in my “Charlie box” which is full of various things related to Charlie and our adoption. I don’t look at these things often, as it brings up a lot of emotions and tears but knowing that I have them, knowing where they are, and knowing that I could look at them anytime I want to is comforting to me.

One last piece of advice regarding this subject, the hospital experience is such an emotional and overwhelming time, that it might be wise to ask someone you trust (like your support person) to make sure you leave with the keepsake items that you want.

Photo Credit: Coley

The "Perfect" Family

Are you searching for the perfect family for your child?  Many times I have heard expectant mothers making adoption plans comment that they are searching for the perfect family to adopt their child. I have seen some mothers choose families pretty quickly as they find a family that meets what they are looking for easily while others may struggle, take a long time looking through profiles of prospective couples, interview and meet with multiple couples, and have a harder time finding a family that meets what they are looking for.

What constitutes a perfect family? Is it two parents? Is it a couple who is financially stable? Is it a family where one parent can stay at home with the children?

Let’s be realistic; there is no perfect family. While we want the absolute best for our children, a perfect family just doesn’t exist whether it’s biological or adoptive. When I was pregnant and thinking about what type of family I wanted for Charlie, the word “real” kept coming to mind. I’m not perfect, I make mistakes, and I wanted a real family for Charlie.

It is a good idea to make a list of attributes or qualities that you wish for the adoptive family to have but you should also keep in mind that all of those variables could change. Later on, one of the parents could lose their job making them unstable financially, the stay at home Mom you wanted could decide to go back to work, or the two parent family becomes a single parent family through divorce. If you want a very open adoption and are purposely choosing a family that lives near by for that very reason, keep in mind that the family could move.

Just as with life, things change and the circumstances and situations of the adoptive family you choose could change too so don't concentrate so much on finding a picture perfect family as finding a good family that meets what you are looking for.

For a list of possible questions to ask prospective adoptive families, check out this link.