I Wonder What He's Thinking

I always wonder what my birth son is thinking, is he resentful to me for what happened or is he thinking "how could a mom do this"?  I think about this quite often, daily actually.  I look into his eyes and I see question marks.  It has been two years know since our reunion and it just seems that there are still a lot of unanswered questions from myself and from my birth son.  I don't want to burden him with the questions I have or make him feel like I need for him to talk to me about this just so I will feel better.  So I just simply don't ask.

However, today was a good day for me.  I no longer feel that way thanks to his girlfriend.  She brought my grand daughter over to watch while she went to classes and after she came back we had a nice long chat.  So glad that we did, it made me feel so much better about how I have been feeling.  I found out that my birth son wants to ask the questions and know everything he is just to afraid to ask me.  WOW, what a breakthrough!  I will finally be able to talk about stuff with him and not feel like I am intruding in his life.  I mean he has a family and he is happy BUT now I can sit and discuss it with him.

I will see him again Thursday when he comes to pick up the baby after work and we can sit and talk things out.  I really just want to know about his life with his adoptive parents.  I mean things like, what were the holidays like for him and did he get a lot of presents, did he get to go see Santa and the Easter Bunny, and what his life was like.  I know that might sound corny or just weird, but that is what I want to hear.  I want him to tell me all about his life with them.

Just knowing that we are both afraid to ask questions and tell each other stuff is a relief to me.  I just didn't want to give him any reason to look down on me or to feel uneasy or uncomfortable when he is here.  But know I won't feel that way.  He does want to know everything from me (he has already talked to my husband which is his birth dad) but he still wants to talk to me.

I still see things in his eyes, I told his girlfriend that today.  I knew something was going on.  While I just thought he didn't want bothered with any of it and that's why we really don't have a relationship, in reality we are BOTH feeling the same thing.  Yep, today was a good day and I am so thankful I am going to have this opportunity to finally sit and talk with my birth son and let him know just how much I care about him.  I just can't wait until Thursday now.  I wrote in an earlier post that I had an envelope of letters and cards from the past two years and was just afraid to give it to him.  Thought maybe he just wouldn't be interested in it.  Now I can hand them to him and not feel like the outsider.  THANK YOU GOD, I feel like he answered my prayer today.  I think this will be a fresh new start for my birth son and me and will change how we look at each other.

So anyone else feeling like the outsider and had a breakthrough?  Just remember patience is your friend and in time things will come together.

Forgiving and Letting Go

As I write this week, I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive and let go.  It has been a long 22 years and the pain is as raw as it was the day this happened to me.  I have been reading a lot online and I have many books on adoption, but nothing is working for me.  I cry when I read the stories, some are so horrific and sad that I don't know how they live day to day.  Most of everything I have read says forgiveness is the answer to healing.  But see, forgiving to me is telling the ones that did this thing to me, it's okay and that I am alright with what you did.

I am so not ready to forgive and let go.  Everyday I think of what could of been and how our lives would of been different with our birthson.  All I get from the my family members responsible for this is, "you can have a wonderful relationship with him now and be happy".  That really just makes me mad when they say that to me.  They have no idea what I go through and the worst part, they won't acknowledge it.  I need for them to say they are sorry and acknowledge that pain and loss I have endured and still am going through.  Tell me "I'm sorry I caused you all this pain".

See I am still the outsider in this situation.  I can't just call my birthson and say, "Hey, I miss you and would like to see you and the baby, can you drop by", that will never happen.  We tried that many times.  But when the adoptive parents call him and say "bring the baby down so I can see her", they drop everything and go there.  I know I sound selfish, but that is how I feel.   But I love my birth son so much that I accept what it is and try to be understanding so that he doesn't feel he is hurting anyone's feelings.

It is just so hard to see him go to them (adoptive parents) at the drop of a hat while I have to wait a month sometimes longer to see him.  It is painful and that is why forgiving and letting go is so hard for me.  I get very upset when things like this happen. I immediately start thinking, if my family would not of done this to me, I would not feel this way and my son would be here with us.

Its hard feeling like the outsider, it is always going to be that way I know that.  How do I get past something like this?  How would you get past something like this?  Accepting? forgiving? and how would you do this?

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Moving forward

Moving forward, that seems easier said then done. To me moving forward would consist of forgiving myself, and the others who had a hand in handling my adoption.  I just am not ready to do that at this time.  It is just to painful for me.  I try to interact with the family member's responsible for all this pain they caused me and my husband, but it is hard.  I have no desire to be around or have a relationship with them.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel this way, I know it is probably not the right thing plus it is unhealthy.

Moving forward means healing, forgiving, accepting, and making a future for myself, my husband and our birth son.  I do see my birth son (not as often as I would like) and we do talk but I look at him and my heart just breaks for all I missed. He is happy with his girlfriend and their new baby (shes 4 1/2 months) and he just got a great paying job.  I am proud of him for what he has done with his life.  He is responsible and will do anything for his family.

It is really hard feeling like the outsider all the time.  I always feel like I have no right to call and go visit my granddaughter or to ask if I can take her for the day. I cherish every moment I spend with her because I don't know if it will be the last.  My head just swirls with thoughts and emotions all the time over this.  Being a birth mom and entering into your birth child's life is scary.  Never knowing what to expect or what could happen. While I am visiting with my grand daughter, I have a huge fear that my birth son's adopted mom may just show up there, then what would I do.

I have thought about that a lot, if his adopted mom came to where I was, I honestly don't know what I would do.  We have no relationship with his adopted parents, it just never happened and honestly I don't think it ever will.  But I can live with that.  I am not ready for something that big to happen especially now.  It has been two years and two months since I had a reunion with my birth son, so I don't think a relationship of that kind will happen.

I do feel sometimes that my birth son has more on his mind than he says.  He always looks in very deep thought.  He now knows the real truth behind what happened and I think he is questioning why it happened that way.  He knows things weren't really handled the right way, they were keeping everything from the birth dad.  He and his girlfriend have said to my husband that we should be able to do something about what happened.  Someone needs to answer for what they did to me and my husband and to our birth son.  My husband is really close with our birth son and they talk about this all the time.

I just want to tell him so much how much I care for him and love him.  I want him to know that my heart breaks everyday that he is not here with us, that his memories of childhood don't involve me and his birth dad.  It is like a sore that won't heal feeling like this.  I don't want to burden him with this talk, it is not his fault that this happened.  I don't want to add to what might already be a touchy subject for him.  I am his birth mom and I feel I should be able to say "I love you" to my birth son, but I know that this is not the time to do that.  But every time I see him, he looks like there is something he is thinking, I can see it in his eyes.  Almost like regret or pain or disappointment.

I do have some letters I wrote to him and they explain all of this; from my heartbreak to how much I love and missed him to what my life was like at that time.  I truly feel I should give these to him, but then I have that fear he will say he doesn't want them or something like that.  I am probably over reacting to all this but I just don't know what I should do.  Two years has gone by, shouldn't I have given him this already?

Do you have letters and cards for your birth child and did you give them to your child?  Was the reaction what you expected?

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Support

I think it is really important to have support in place for you to have while coping with your emotions.  My support is my husband,  this website and my own personal blog.  Sometimes I feel like I should take a step further to add another support system.  Lately I have been having a lot of trouble coping with what has happened and all the unanswered questions that we are still trying to find answers to.  I have been struggling for the last 2 weeks and it seems it is getting harder.

When you start feeling like your world is getting away from you and you don't have any control over your emotions, it is time to find another support to use.  It is hard for anyone to understand the pain you go through after an adoption.  Counseling could be a really good resource to use to help cope and talk things out.  I know a lot of the emotions I am feeling is guilt and sadness.  My own personal story was not something I wanted so it seems to be hard for me to come to terms with and let go so that I can move on.

I know there are probably a lot of you out there that are feeling the same way I am feeling now.  You should reach out and talk to someone here at BirthMom Buds.  Leave a comment on a post and we can respond back or join the forums and write a post about how you are feeling. Having somewhere to go when your feeling down. It is important to heal.  I know that I have to write every week so that it can be published on this site and it helps to know that I can write what I am feeling and someone out there is listening and understanding me.  I also hope that my words will encourage and help someone else.

Just know you are never alone in any of this and everyone is more than willing to listen and be there for you.  I love the fact that I can log on and go through all the different blogs and read what is going on in other birth mom's minds.  A lot of the blogs are like someone is writing what is happening in my mind.  It is a good thing to read those.  My advice would be to log on everyday and read the blogs, I started going to the ones that I could relate to from my own story of adoption.  I especially like some of the quotes and poems, they are beautiful and touching.

I am starting to write more and get my thoughts out, even though it is on paper and no one reads it, it does help.  I feel like I am talking to someone and it is like a relief for me.  I feel much better after I have written what is happening.  So keep writing and expressing yourself, it can help heal you.  It is a long hard road, but support is always here and available for you to use.

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Birth Dads

I decided this week to write the other half of my story. Without my husband's support I would not have had the courage to write for everyone to read.  He is our birthson's biological father and sometimes it seemed like his feelings and thoughts were not really important.  We have been together since 1988 and been married since 2007.  When my husband first came home and told me our birthson was looking for us, I was hysterical.  As time went by and things got a little emotional, I just couldn't grasp WHY my husband was handling this a whole lot better than I was.  He went to work everyday and never complained.  To me it seemed it just didn't really bother him what was happening in our lives.  In reality he was an emotional wreck inside just like me, but he just didn't express it to me or anyone else.

He actually talked to and visited with our birthson before I did and he didn't tell me until the day before he was coming to meet me.  My husband was so thrilled and happy to talk to and meet our son.  After 20 years of not knowing where he was or either of us speaking of what had happened, we finally had to face reality.  It was exciting but also very scary for me.  I guess what I am getting at here is that birth fathers need to be acknowledged.  They need to know that their feelings and emotions are important and that someone will understand and know what your feeling.

Our adoption was closed and unfortunately the way it happened, he was not involved in the process.  I don't mean he didn't want to be, my family just excluded him from whatever was going on.  I think that is unforgivable and wrong.  He was treated as if he wasn't even important, although he tried to voice his opinions.  NO ONE listened to him, they just didn't care.

I wrote this today because of the journey my husband and I share together for the rest of our lives.  I am so grateful to have him in my life, without him I probably would of lost my mind.  He is strong, kind, and has been my rock through this whole process.  He gets me through days I think I just can't make it through.  Someone like him needs to be recognized and he deserves to have his voice heard.  So when I read the blog, Dylan's Story and Birth Father Support I just knew I had this responsibility to my husband to write this.  I logged on to the Birth Fathers Recognized site and read the four posts that were there.  It was really nice to read from a birth father's side.  I always wondered what they felt before, during, and after this process.

Every birth father out there needs to be able to write and express what is going on in their lives.  I am sure over time, that site will have hundreds of birth dad's expressing and sharing just like us birthmoms do. Opening up for a lot of guys is not an option.  I mean they are men, and men keep things inside.  For me as a birthmom, blogging and sharing is healing.  It is a great comfort to know what I write is being read and understood by the one's reading them and I hope the birth fathers get the same comfort from blogging also.

I wrote this for my husband and also to thank Dylan for his courageous step of creating his site for birth father's. Birth Fathers get left out and no one really discusses what they are going through.  My husband and I talk about this and how he was never really a part of nor did anyone (my family) go to him and talk to him.  He was just ignored and treated as a outsider.  Very sad I must say, but Birth Fathers Recognized is one step that I hope will help him heal also.  Anyone out there reading this and knows of a birth dad, please, give them this link because I think it is going to help a lot of guys out there.  I want you to remember if you have a husband or boyfriend or fiance that acts like he is okay, remember this: they are suffering, grieving, and feeling guilty just like us.

I know I am not the only birthmom still with her child's the birth father.  Does your husband/fiance/boyfriend ever express his feelings to you and if he does what do you tell him?

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Bittersweet

I actually got the inspiration to write this post from another post written by another blogger here. I was reading about how a lot of you birthmoms out there have had the opportunity to be updated on the child's progress and to receive pictures of the child.  I was amazed at how open a lot of the adoptions are.

Mine unfortunately was a closed adoption and there was no updates, pictures, or anything.  I tried but was told it wasn't allowed.  I had to accept it and try to go on.  From the day that happened to me, I prayed  and prayed for the opportunity to be able to see my birth son from an infant to adulthood.  I had that opportunity present itself to me, actually by surprise, and it was too late to back out.  My birth son and his girlfriend brought our grand daughter to our house for a visit and she handed me a large photo album.  My heart dropped and I felt as if I couldn't breath.  I had to open the book as they (birth son and his girlfriend) were both watching me.  So I tried to stay calm and not show any emotion, but I think they read what was going on in my head.  I slowly opened the book and it was like someone had knocked the wind out of me. The very first page was the infant photo of him.  It felt like I was starring at the same picture forever, then I realized they were watching me so I turned the page.  First him in the high chair celebrating his first Easter, outside riding on a sled with his adoptive dad, and many more. 

I was not expecting the emotional side effects of that one.  I truly wanted a picture of him every year of his life.  When I finally had that in my hands, WOW, it blew me away.  I guess sometimes you should be careful what you wish for.  I didn't sleep all that night or the next night and it really bothered me.  It just made me feel how much I missed and how much they (his adoptive parents) gained from this.  It hurt so bad.  I know they say all things happen for a reason, but I am still trying to find the positive in this.

I listed this under bittersweet because that was how it was for me.  I felt really blessed to see those photos but on the other hand it hurt me so bad to see them.  So I guess for anyone out there thinking about the same thing, just prepare yourself for what you are doing.  What I thought was something great turned into a emotional ride in my head.  It was like they took him all over again, almost as if it just happened.  Now that some time has passed since I saw them, I wish I could see them again.  I would still love to have a copy of each one of those.  See how confusing this can be, part of me still wants those pictures even knowing what it would do to me.

I am completely confident that if I was to ask my birth son for copies he would give them to me.  I really do want to ask this but something tells me to let it go.

What do you think, would you just let it go or would you ask?

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Reunion

Having a reunion with your birthchild can be a very emotional time. I reunited with my son 2 years ago and I was so afraid that I was going to say or do something to offend him. I got online immediately and started searching for adoption reunion help. I came across a forum for birthmoms and looked into what I should do. The site was very helpful and I followed the advice that I was given on reunions. I did not agree with a lot of the things they suggested I do, but I did it anyways. 

The main thing was not to say anything about what had happened unless the child brings it up.  I don't really agree with that because I think they have a right to know what happened.  I think you have to go with your gut and do what feels right to you.  I didn't start the conversation about what had happened, my birth son did.  I answered him honestly and made sure he knew everything that I could remember.  Being honest is the best thing in this kind of situation.

In my own personal story, I have no memory of anything.  I blocked out everything and to this day still cannot remember.  I have only three memories of what took place and none of which make any sense to me.  My husband and I talk about this stuff and he tried to fill in the blanks for me but it still doesn't help. It is hard when your birth son/daughter is asking you things and you just can't remember what happened.  So I told him the truth, I told him I have no memory of what happened and really couldn't answer the questions he was asking.

My husband did tell him what he knew which was a huge help.  Anything else all of us would do our part to find the answers.  My birth son and I never really connected when we first met, it was very awkward.  He was fine with my husband (his birth dad) but with me, he just had a hard time looking at and talking to me.  I don't think we talked for a long time.  He always looked at me as if he hated me.  I started writing all this down and keeping track of my feelings.  Now looking back at my diary, two years passed and a lot has changed.

Reunions can be a hard time and very emotional for all involved.  You just need to take it slow, be honest, and be patient.  It has been two years now and just in the last month, my birth son and I have started to actually talk to each other.  We actually sit and have a conversation.  It still feels a little weird to me, but I love being able to talk to him.  When he looks at me now, he looks genuinely happy to be around me.  When he hugs me, he really holds on to me like it means something to him.  That is like huge for me.  This year he also called and told me Happy Mothers Day--that was so amazing and of course I cried.  He finally is seeing me as his "real mom".  I just hope one day he can call me "mom" but I am okay with it if he doesn't.

Being patient is my best advice to anyone going into a reunion.  Go online and research on the reunion and prepare yourself for it.  Remember that not only are you as the birth parent going through this, but also the birth child.  He/she will be just a nervous as you are.  Take it slow and be patient with him/her and things will fall into place.

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Coping as a Birth Mom

Being a birthmom is something I struggle with on day to day basis. Sometimes I feel like I just can't get through a day.  No one can understand the emotions and feeling that come with being a birt mom except another birthmom.  It is very different than being a "mom" to child you have parented.  You have a overwhelming feeling of loss, pain, grief, and guilt.  When you lose your child to adoption in the era I did, often it is done and never spoken of again.  I often wonder what it would of been like if someone in my family would of come and asked me (afterwards) if  I was ok or just asked wanted to talk about it. I wonder if it would of kept me from going through the pain I felt all those years.

When it is something that you felt forced to do and didn't want to do, I think it can make coping much harder.  There is always the questions of "what if", and they are never ending.  Like what if I would of spoke up sooner, would it of changed things, or what if I would of fought harder for what I wanted.  But in some cases, no matter what you do it would not change what is already taking place.  I know that no matter what I did or said, nothing would of changed.

In order for me to cope and get through this, I just keep telling myself, "Look how he turned out, he is happy, well adjusted and had a good life with his adoptive family.  That is how I cope when I start to feel my emotions taking over. Plus I write, write, write. Writing is such a great outlet for pain and whatever you are feeling.  Your writing is just that, YOURS.  No one can read it (unless you want them to) therefore you can write whatever you want and still feel like you have spoken you feelings.  Writing is a healthy and very important part of the healing process.

I had a reunion with my birth son 2 years ago and though it was quite a roller coaster of emotions, that is when I decided to start writing about everything.  Every day I wrote what was going on, then when you go back and read it, you can see how much you have started to heal.  Take my diary I started 2 years ago, I read it the other day and I was surprised to see how much I have changed since I wrote it.  I still have those feelings, they are just not as intense.

I will always have these feelings, but the important thing is how you channel them.  Whether it is through writing, counseling, talking with a close friend or relative, or maybe someone from your church, it is important to deal with them.  Keeping emotions and feelings hidden is unhealthy and can affect your health.  So for anyone out there that needs an outlet and not sure what to do, try writing and joining an on-line forum for birth moms.  It can be a great support system for you and get you through tough times. How do you cope?

A Birth Mother Story

I'm Lisa. I am 48 years old and I am a birthmother.  I was 26 when I was pregnant with my son and because of my past and things that I went through, my brain shut down and I was not in my right mind, as a result, I have no memory of what took place prior to the adoption.  I don’t remember having the child, or leaving the hospital.  I have pieces of memories that are no help for me to come to an understanding of what happened to me then.  I have been told that this adoption wasn’t my decision.  I wanted to keep my baby, but because of my emotional and mental breakdown from my past, two family members decided that adoption was best.  I didn’t get the 3 days with my baby, I didn’t get to say good-bye or fight for what I wanted.  The hospital just moved me off the floor and put me somewhere else.  Probably because I was saying things like---”I want to keep my baby”.  This is where I would like to get involved with changing the rules and policies of adoption.  I want to make sure everyone is treated fairly, counseling is always mandatory prior to adoption, and everyone understands just what is going to happen, now and in the future.

My husband (boyfriend at the time) is a great man.  I absolutely love him and thank God for him.  He has been wonderful through all this.  He is the biological father of our son and back then my family hated him.  My mother would do anything to get him out of my life.  No one went to him and said “I don’t think she can handle taking care of a baby, and give him the chance to voice his opinion”, No they just decided to give him away.  I can only imagine how he must of felt back then being shut out of everything.  No one in my family stood beside me or showed me any support of any kind.  I just shut down because it was to painful to go through.

I remember one day sitting in my chair and it was like someone shook me awake, that’s when I said “I think something happened”.  I do remember going to my phone and making a phone call to the agency that handled it.  (I must have had that number  when I left the hospital. ) I remember telling the lady “I think I made a mistake, could you send someone to come and talk with me”, she said they would send someone to help me.  No one ever came, so I kept calling.  Finally the lady says to me, “its too late, forget about him”, I was crushed.  I felt so empty inside.  I called yet again and asked if I could put cards and letters in his file so he would know that I love him.  She told me “No that is not allowed” and hung up on me.

Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that all I can do is write my feelings down.  I do have a great husband to help me through things but sometimes that is not enough.  My dream would be to help someone, if its only one person, I would feel I was doing some good.  Anyone that has been through an adoption knows, NO ONE understands what you are going through or feeling unless you went through it yourself.  I am a member of the Adoption.com forum and without them, I would of been in a hospital with a mental breakdown.   That is how I heard of this organization, I wrote to them because I didn’t know what else to do.  Someone from the forum wrote me and gave me Birth Mom Buds information.

It was 2 years ago when my husband came home and told me that our birth son was looking for us.  I was hysterical, I couldn’t breath, or focus.  I was doing my own research to find him about 3 years before this happened.  I never told anyone what I was doing this,  so when he came home and told me this, well, I just lost it.   Having a reunion with my son was a blessing and exciting time, then the next day I just started crying, uncontrollably.  I couldn’t function.  I was a mess, I could not talk to anyone, go anywhere, even to sit with my family was hard.  I would leave the room because all I could do was cry.  The grief, pain, and guilt was all brought back and almost got the best of me.

Now I am not saying that I am against adoption, because in the right situation, it can be a beautiful thing.  I know birthmothers who it has been the right decision for.  I  want to be able to help someone through whatever they may be going through.  I think this blog is a wonderful opportunity for anyone needing to talk or just find support.  You don’t have to face anyone, you just write.  I think that makes a big difference, especially if your not ready to open your life to someone.  I just think its easier this way, at least it was for me.

I am still very emotional over this and sometimes feel very depressed and just don’t understand why this happened, but I am really trying to think positive.  Knowing that my son was raised in a good and loving home is a  comfort for me.  That is probably the only thing that gets me through the really hard days.  Plus I do have contact with my son, and he assures me that everything is ok with him and he had a good life.  But there is still those nagging questions and the hurt I will always feel I guess.

So I guess what I am saying here is no matter the situation, you can heal and go on.  Mine was negative because of the way it was handled.  But with support and someone to talk, it can help you on the road to healing (or I like to say, being able to cope).  Having a support system outside of my family has been a great help to me.  You can vent your feelings and believe me, someone always answers and understands.  It makes whatever your going through a little less painful and easier to get through.

I hope by reading this someone will be able to relate to this and become part of this great place.  Everyone here will be understanding and not judge you in any way.  No matter if you are going to do adoption, or your thinking about it or you have already done it, someone is always here for you.  If you have questions or just need to talk through your feelings, we can do that too.  I just hope this can help someone feel that they are not alone, it can really be a relief to know that.

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