Forgiving and Letting Go

As I write this week, I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive and let go.  It has been a long 22 years and the pain is as raw as it was the day this happened to me.  I have been reading a lot online and I have many books on adoption, but nothing is working for me.  I cry when I read the stories, some are so horrific and sad that I don't know how they live day to day.  Most of everything I have read says forgiveness is the answer to healing.  But see, forgiving to me is telling the ones that did this thing to me, it's okay and that I am alright with what you did.

I am so not ready to forgive and let go.  Everyday I think of what could of been and how our lives would of been different with our birthson.  All I get from the my family members responsible for this is, "you can have a wonderful relationship with him now and be happy".  That really just makes me mad when they say that to me.  They have no idea what I go through and the worst part, they won't acknowledge it.  I need for them to say they are sorry and acknowledge that pain and loss I have endured and still am going through.  Tell me "I'm sorry I caused you all this pain".

See I am still the outsider in this situation.  I can't just call my birthson and say, "Hey, I miss you and would like to see you and the baby, can you drop by", that will never happen.  We tried that many times.  But when the adoptive parents call him and say "bring the baby down so I can see her", they drop everything and go there.  I know I sound selfish, but that is how I feel.   But I love my birth son so much that I accept what it is and try to be understanding so that he doesn't feel he is hurting anyone's feelings.

It is just so hard to see him go to them (adoptive parents) at the drop of a hat while I have to wait a month sometimes longer to see him.  It is painful and that is why forgiving and letting go is so hard for me.  I get very upset when things like this happen. I immediately start thinking, if my family would not of done this to me, I would not feel this way and my son would be here with us.

Its hard feeling like the outsider, it is always going to be that way I know that.  How do I get past something like this?  How would you get past something like this?  Accepting? forgiving? and how would you do this?

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