The Birthday Party

It's that time of year again for me.  In a week my birth daughter will be having her fifth birthday.  I would say that the time has flown, but in reality, it hasn't.  I have spent the last 5 years moving forward, and forward progress isn't always the fastest type of progress.  I'm blessed to be able to celebrate with my birth daughter at her birthday party.  I know that some birth moms aren't granted that luxury, so I feel fortunate that I even have the opportunity.  That doesn't change the emotional struggle that usually comes following this event though.

I do well for the party.  I enjoy visiting with my daughter's parents and other family members, and I love watching my kids all together in one place.  We usually eat a nice lunch, open gifts, and then sing the compulsory "Happy Birthday," before eating cake and ice cream.

The happy birthday song makes me tear up, pretty much every year.  Yes, I know that it's a happy song, and yes, I know that we are celebrating.  There's just something about the chorus of happy birthday that reminds me of everything that I have missed.  For me, it isn't just a song.  It's a reminder of the last 365 days that I didn't bring my birth daughter to school, or brush her hair, or have a seat for her at my dinner table.


I struggle with grief around the time of her birthday, not because I regret my decision, but because I miss all of the moments that everyone else takes for granted.  I miss the time we haven't spent together, the movies we haven't watched together, and the hugs that I will never receive.
   
Around my daughter's birthday, I miss her more.  And the Happy Birthday song is there to prove it.

The First Birthday

My daughters first birthday is coming up later this week and let me tell you, it has been a strange month. I’d like to think that I have been doing pretty well over this last year. Yes, I have cried when I needed to cry and yes I have been in touch with my emotions and yes I have had bad days when I didn't want to get out of bed, but all in all I have had a pretty good year. I returned to school and got my very first job. I am at peace with my decision and I know I did the best I could have done under the circumstances, but this last month has been so hard. Every time I think about her upcoming birthday I want to cry. I am sad that she is growing so fast and that it feels like yesterday that she was rolling around in my belly keeping me up all night. I have just been plain sad these last few weeks.

 Even during my pregnancy I never had a time like this where I was just sad. It has taken some getting used to and after talking to several other birth moms I realized that sometimes this is just the way you are going to feel. There will be times of the year that are just harder than others.  Everyone grieves differently and for me it took a year before I was feeling this level of sad. Trust me I was devastated in the beginning during those first few weeks and leaving the hospital with nothing in my arms, but that didn't last long because only 8 weeks after placing I returned to school 3 hours away from home and was able to keep my mind a little busy.

But now as this first year comes to a close I have been feeling emotions I didn't quite know was possible.  And for those of you, who are also in their first year; don’t let anyone ever make you feel bad for how you are feeling. Honestly this really applies to any birth mother out there, but if you feel like you have to cry everyday then do it. If you don’t feel like you need to cry, then don’t. Grieve in your own way. Every adoption is different and so is every birth mother.

This last year has taught me that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We are all strong women who have made it through one of the hardest things we will have to. We survived and we are thriving. I am proud of every woman on birth mom buds who has made it through one of the hardest journeys in life. 

We have made plans to facetime on her birthday with her and her parents, even though she is only a year old and she most likely wont sit still for long, I am so excited to see how big she is. Just seeing her for a minute on her birthday would make me feel so happy and relieved to see how far we have come in the past year.  And I will be sure to let everyone know how this "visit" goes.

How did you handle your child's first birthday and the first year after placement? How did you grieve? Were you able to contact or speak with your child? 

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Happy (Almost) Birthday to My Daughter!

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This time of year is always rough for me. Well, I'm only two years into this journey, so maybe the word always is a little dramatic, but you get the idea! Halloween is a tough holiday for me now. It's difficult to have a holiday centered so much around little kids so close to her birthday.

It's 8:19pm (my time) right now. Two years ago at this exact time, I was pacing around my house, trying to move my labor along, while the last few trick-or-treaters came by. I remember, oddly enough, that "Knocked Up" was on TBS while I was walking from the living room to my bedroom and back. I had laid down to take a little nap when my back started really hurting. I had been having contractions throughout the day, but suddenly they were like waves of fire down and across my back. My mother and I began timing them, and before I know it, around 11:30pm on Halloween night, I was headed to the hospital.
My labor was fairly long, and when I got there, I was only about 4cm dilated. They decided to keep me, and I remember realizing that I was in for a long journey if this was how much pain I was in at 4cm. I could not imagine getting to 10cm. I couldn't even think about it. The next day and a half are a blur to me now, so thankfully I have them written in my personal journal because I know one day I'll need to remember, or my daughter may want to know. Those are questions that only I can answer for her, and I want to be able to answer them honestly.

I remember around 11pm on November 1st (after I had been there for almost 24 hours), my doctor came in and started discussing a c-section. He said he would wait until noon the next day (November 2nd), and if I hadn't given birth by then, then we would have to seriously consider it. Luckily, around 4 a.m., my water broke and woke me out of a drug-induced sleep (probably due in part to my epidural). About two hours later, the pressure became unbearable and I buzzed the nurse in. She said she was going to "check me," and she lifted up my gown. Without even touching me, she said "oh my God," and paged my doctor. I distinctly remember saying to her immediately after, "will I have my baby sometime today?" She replied, "honey, you're going to have a baby in about 30 minutes." And sure enough, little Arianna was born at 6:31 a.m. Could my nurse have been more amazing?

Last year, I don't remember her birthday being so hard. I think I was expecting it to be extremely painful for me, so when it really wasn't, I was almost relieved. This year, though, I think I felt more brave. I think I figured that since I handled the first birthday (what I thought would be the hardest), I could definitely handle her first birthday. However, for some reason, this year it seems much harder. Maybe because she's no longer a baby...no longer just lying around or crawling around. No longer stumbling around learning how to walk, or babbling as she learns how to talk. Now she's a toddler. She's not only walking around, but running. Not only talking, but articulately calling herself by name, and someone else "mama." The magnitude of what I've lost has really sunk in in these past few days alone. I didn't just place my baby to be raised by another family. I placed my toddler, my little kid, my young adult, my adult.

I've found myself wishing I could go back in time. Wishing I could rewind the clock back two years, so I could be pregnant again at this very moment, unaware that I would get to meet my baby in less than 36 hours. Unaware of whether she would look like me or her birth father. Unaware of how much I would love her the very second I laid eyes on her curly head of hair and heard her cry for the first time. I would give anything to be that naive again. I would give anything to go back and have the chance to leave the hospital with her. That's not to say I regret my choice - but it's definitely not easy. And definitely not at this time of the year. 

How do you cope when birthdays roll around? Especially if you don't have visits with your child on or around their birthday, just like I don't?

 

Birthdays

Source: www.yorkblog.com

I can’t believe it’s been more than a year since placement.  Mackenzie’s now 15 months old. 

The first birthday was rough.  Actually it started a couple of weeks before her birthday with the news that she had her first cold.  Now a cold is not a big deal.  It’s usually not life threatening.  It just tends to create a bit of misery while it lasts.  But it was hard for me.  I heard the news and just broke down.  I felt like, “I’m her momma.  I should BE there for her.  Even if I can’t fix her, I should be there.”  Add to that the fact that I knew her parents were going to be having 10 friends and family over for her birthday celebration and her birthfather and I weren’t invited.  That was rough too.  Looking back on it now I can’t see that I’d even be comfortable in a situation like that.  But at the time, it was horrendous for me to have to think about the fact that I was being denied something as basic as celebrating my daughter’s first birthday.

So I suffered.  Those two weeks between the time I learned she had her first cold and the day of her first birthday (even though her party wasn’t until the Saturday after her birthday) were the roughest time I’ve experienced so far in this placement journey.  I thankfully had some very supportive friends (that I’ve met through BirthMomBuds) that were there when I randomly contacted them and also checked on me at random intervals.  One of my friends was up with me all night the night before her birthday crying with me while she dealt with her own story.  That was an amazing experience.  I’m forever grateful for them…and BirthMomBuds.  Without this community I would have never met some of the women I consider among my dearest friends.

Now for future times like this, I’ll have an “attack plan” of sorts.  I’ll have friends that know exactly what I’m going through and that I know will be there to help get me through.  I’ll also be able to remind myself that I made it through the first birthday.  I made it through the first year with my sanity and emotions intact.  It is said that “what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.”  So this experience made me stronger.  I have hope.

Is there anything special you do to get you through times of grief like birthdays or holidays?  Do you have supportive friends to turn to?