It's that time of year again for me. In a week my birth daughter will be having her fifth birthday. I would say that the time has flown, but in reality, it hasn't. I have spent the last 5 years moving forward, and forward progress isn't always the fastest type of progress. I'm blessed to be able to celebrate with my birth daughter at her birthday party. I know that some birth moms aren't granted that luxury, so I feel fortunate that I even have the opportunity. That doesn't change the emotional struggle that usually comes following this event though.
I do well for the party. I enjoy visiting with my daughter's parents and other family members, and I love watching my kids all together in one place. We usually eat a nice lunch, open gifts, and then sing the compulsory "Happy Birthday," before eating cake and ice cream.
The happy birthday song makes me tear up, pretty much every year. Yes, I know that it's a happy song, and yes, I know that we are celebrating. There's just something about the chorus of happy birthday that reminds me of everything that I have missed. For me, it isn't just a song. It's a reminder of the last 365 days that I didn't bring my birth daughter to school, or brush her hair, or have a seat for her at my dinner table.
I struggle with grief around the time of her birthday, not because I regret my decision, but because I miss all of the moments that everyone else takes for granted. I miss the time we haven't spent together, the movies we haven't watched together, and the hugs that I will never receive.
Around my daughter's birthday, I miss her more. And the Happy Birthday song is there to prove it.
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