And if you are going through the first year, know that it WILL get better. Although at times I felt angry and depressed, I also felt happy at others! It's a roller coaster, but I have some suggestions of things below that I did during the first year that really helped me. I hope they help you too!
1. Write to your child.
I cannot emphasize this enough. Writing allowed me to fully express my emotion and thoughts without holding back (thinking people were judging me). I also can show Noah my letters to him when he's older so he knows how much I do think about him. He will have these letters forever.
2. Make a scrapbook.
One word- therapy. I had two visits with Noah, but got monthly pictures. This was life changing because it was like I was actually there. It was so therapeutic for me to just go through the process of picking up the printed pictures, adding fun captions, and placing them in there. I was doing something for him, which I don't get to do that often. I made this book with his footprints, hospital bracelet, our printed entrustment ceremony (the handing off at the hospital), and pictures from the time he was seconds alive on this Earth to his one year birthday. I can't wait to give this to him.
3. CRY
Sounds weird, but crying was the most freeing feeling for me after Noah's birth. I was so in shock that when I signed my rights away, I wasn't feeling anything. It hadn't hit me what I was doing. I had prepared myself for that moment, but I had no idea what it would feel like to be a mom. I did not actually cry until 3 weeks after he was born. There were just so many emotions going at once, so when I was finally able to process my loss- I literally just sat in my car and cried. I found a safe place to cry because I didn't want my family to hear me. I love my family to death and I just didn't want to upset them. I also was able to cry when I wrote letters. Holding all that grief is exhausting, and when I finally let it out little by little- I felt amazing.
4. Keep busy!
Hang out with your friends, watch dumb YouTube videos when you're sad just to laugh, go on road trip, apply for some of your dream jobs! Just make sure that when you know you are going to have a tough day, surround yourself with positive people to try to lift you up.
5. Let yourself move forward
You placed your child for important reasons. Remember why you placed him/her and live your life the best you can. I know it is very hard to move forward with your life after such a loss, believe me. I did this by applying for a teaching position. This was moving forward for me. Am I moving on from my son? No way! I will always want him in my life. But I chose to place him to give him the best life, so now I want to have the best life I can too :)
This is a great list! Writing was a big tool for me as well to express my thoughts and emotions, both publicly and privately by journaling/writing to her. I just had to add one suggestion though: counseling. It is so helpful and I feel important to have a safe and non-bias place to share your feelings and move forward in the healing process.
ReplyDeleteHi this is great that you are so open. Im also a birthmom, i have recently reunited with my 22 year old daughter and gotten to know her. I can tell you have alot of love for your child, and i know how deeply this is going to affect you over the years and shape who you are. I can definely relate to how freeing it is to cry, and not wanting to cry around your family out of consideration for them. For me it all was so surreal, in fact still is. I spent thousands of nights crying alone, waiting for her to turn 18 so i could finally reconnect. Spent millions of hours invisioning what she was like, what kinda life she was living. One thing i can say is being a birthmom is a very odd feeling, it can be very lonely. If you were ever told once you have a child for your own to keep you will be at peace. Thats a lie. Infact most of the advice they feed birthmoms are lies. I am not against adoption, although.there was a period of time i was. I can tell you from this end, ive finally found some level of peace since ive reconnected with her. She is amazing, in every way possible and im thanking my lucky stars for having her in my life. She has called me mom since day 1 of contact. She suffers from depression, and anxiety as ive recently discovered is a common problem children who have been adopted goes thru. She spent her childhood longing for me. Imaging what i was like, what i was doing in my life. Her parents whom i chose from a long list are beyond amazing. I picked them because they seemed amazing but to know they really were the best possible parents she could have is profound. On the other hand i still relive the day i had to say goodbye in my head and struggle with the thought of losing her again (fear of something tramatic happening and losing her, or fear she will pull away) while trying to keep connected and build a strong relationship with her. Keep blogging and keep sharing what your thinking. There is so little on this end of things and its nice to know us birthmoms arent alone.
ReplyDeleteHi this is great that you are so open. Im also a birthmom, i have recently reunited with my 22 year old daughter and gotten to know her. I can tell you have alot of love for your child, and i know how deeply this is going to affect you over the years and shape who you are. I can definely relate to how freeing it is to cry, and not wanting to cry around your family out of consideration for them. For me it all was so surreal, in fact still is. I spent thousands of nights crying alone, waiting for her to turn 18 so i could finally reconnect. Spent millions of hours invisioning what she was like, what kinda life she was living. One thing i can say is being a birthmom is a very odd feeling, it can be very lonely. If you were ever told once you have a child for your own to keep you will be at peace. Thats a lie. Infact most of the advice they feed birthmoms are lies. I am not against adoption, although.there was a period of time i was. I can tell you from this end, ive finally found some level of peace since ive reconnected with her. She is amazing, in every way possible and im thanking my lucky stars for having her in my life. She has called me mom since day 1 of contact. She suffers from depression, and anxiety as ive recently discovered is a common problem children who have been adopted goes thru. She spent her childhood longing for me. Imaging what i was like, what i was doing in my life. Her parents whom i chose from a long list are beyond amazing. I picked them because they seemed amazing but to know they really were the best possible parents she could have is profound. On the other hand i still relive the day i had to say goodbye in my head and struggle with the thought of losing her again (fear of something tramatic happening and losing her, or fear she will pull away) while trying to keep connected and build a strong relationship with her. Keep blogging and keep sharing what your thinking. There is so little on this end of things and its nice to know us birthmoms arent alone.
ReplyDelete