Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Birth Dads

I decided this week to write the other half of my story. Without my husband's support I would not have had the courage to write for everyone to read.  He is our birthson's biological father and sometimes it seemed like his feelings and thoughts were not really important.  We have been together since 1988 and been married since 2007.  When my husband first came home and told me our birthson was looking for us, I was hysterical.  As time went by and things got a little emotional, I just couldn't grasp WHY my husband was handling this a whole lot better than I was.  He went to work everyday and never complained.  To me it seemed it just didn't really bother him what was happening in our lives.  In reality he was an emotional wreck inside just like me, but he just didn't express it to me or anyone else.

He actually talked to and visited with our birthson before I did and he didn't tell me until the day before he was coming to meet me.  My husband was so thrilled and happy to talk to and meet our son.  After 20 years of not knowing where he was or either of us speaking of what had happened, we finally had to face reality.  It was exciting but also very scary for me.  I guess what I am getting at here is that birth fathers need to be acknowledged.  They need to know that their feelings and emotions are important and that someone will understand and know what your feeling.

Our adoption was closed and unfortunately the way it happened, he was not involved in the process.  I don't mean he didn't want to be, my family just excluded him from whatever was going on.  I think that is unforgivable and wrong.  He was treated as if he wasn't even important, although he tried to voice his opinions.  NO ONE listened to him, they just didn't care.

I wrote this today because of the journey my husband and I share together for the rest of our lives.  I am so grateful to have him in my life, without him I probably would of lost my mind.  He is strong, kind, and has been my rock through this whole process.  He gets me through days I think I just can't make it through.  Someone like him needs to be recognized and he deserves to have his voice heard.  So when I read the blog, Dylan's Story and Birth Father Support I just knew I had this responsibility to my husband to write this.  I logged on to the Birth Fathers Recognized site and read the four posts that were there.  It was really nice to read from a birth father's side.  I always wondered what they felt before, during, and after this process.

Every birth father out there needs to be able to write and express what is going on in their lives.  I am sure over time, that site will have hundreds of birth dad's expressing and sharing just like us birthmoms do. Opening up for a lot of guys is not an option.  I mean they are men, and men keep things inside.  For me as a birthmom, blogging and sharing is healing.  It is a great comfort to know what I write is being read and understood by the one's reading them and I hope the birth fathers get the same comfort from blogging also.

I wrote this for my husband and also to thank Dylan for his courageous step of creating his site for birth father's. Birth Fathers get left out and no one really discusses what they are going through.  My husband and I talk about this and how he was never really a part of nor did anyone (my family) go to him and talk to him.  He was just ignored and treated as a outsider.  Very sad I must say, but Birth Fathers Recognized is one step that I hope will help him heal also.  Anyone out there reading this and knows of a birth dad, please, give them this link because I think it is going to help a lot of guys out there.  I want you to remember if you have a husband or boyfriend or fiance that acts like he is okay, remember this: they are suffering, grieving, and feeling guilty just like us.

I know I am not the only birthmom still with her child's the birth father.  Does your husband/fiance/boyfriend ever express his feelings to you and if he does what do you tell him?

1 comment:

  1. I just stumbled on this post. I'm so sorry I didn't comment sooner! I've written on my personal blog how important I believe birth fathers' voices are, not only because no one would be a mother without a father, but because of my post-adoption involvement with my daughter's birth father. We were together before her relinquishment and are together going on 3 years later. He doesn't talk much about his feelings regarding our daughter. I know he's happy when he gets to see her and interact with her. I'm hoping that eventually he'll open up, but for now I just give him opportunities to speak when he needs them.