Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Moving forward

Moving forward, that seems easier said then done. To me moving forward would consist of forgiving myself, and the others who had a hand in handling my adoption.  I just am not ready to do that at this time.  It is just to painful for me.  I try to interact with the family member's responsible for all this pain they caused me and my husband, but it is hard.  I have no desire to be around or have a relationship with them.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel this way, I know it is probably not the right thing plus it is unhealthy.

Moving forward means healing, forgiving, accepting, and making a future for myself, my husband and our birth son.  I do see my birth son (not as often as I would like) and we do talk but I look at him and my heart just breaks for all I missed. He is happy with his girlfriend and their new baby (shes 4 1/2 months) and he just got a great paying job.  I am proud of him for what he has done with his life.  He is responsible and will do anything for his family.

It is really hard feeling like the outsider all the time.  I always feel like I have no right to call and go visit my granddaughter or to ask if I can take her for the day. I cherish every moment I spend with her because I don't know if it will be the last.  My head just swirls with thoughts and emotions all the time over this.  Being a birth mom and entering into your birth child's life is scary.  Never knowing what to expect or what could happen. While I am visiting with my grand daughter, I have a huge fear that my birth son's adopted mom may just show up there, then what would I do.

I have thought about that a lot, if his adopted mom came to where I was, I honestly don't know what I would do.  We have no relationship with his adopted parents, it just never happened and honestly I don't think it ever will.  But I can live with that.  I am not ready for something that big to happen especially now.  It has been two years and two months since I had a reunion with my birth son, so I don't think a relationship of that kind will happen.

I do feel sometimes that my birth son has more on his mind than he says.  He always looks in very deep thought.  He now knows the real truth behind what happened and I think he is questioning why it happened that way.  He knows things weren't really handled the right way, they were keeping everything from the birth dad.  He and his girlfriend have said to my husband that we should be able to do something about what happened.  Someone needs to answer for what they did to me and my husband and to our birth son.  My husband is really close with our birth son and they talk about this all the time.

I just want to tell him so much how much I care for him and love him.  I want him to know that my heart breaks everyday that he is not here with us, that his memories of childhood don't involve me and his birth dad.  It is like a sore that won't heal feeling like this.  I don't want to burden him with this talk, it is not his fault that this happened.  I don't want to add to what might already be a touchy subject for him.  I am his birth mom and I feel I should be able to say "I love you" to my birth son, but I know that this is not the time to do that.  But every time I see him, he looks like there is something he is thinking, I can see it in his eyes.  Almost like regret or pain or disappointment.

I do have some letters I wrote to him and they explain all of this; from my heartbreak to how much I love and missed him to what my life was like at that time.  I truly feel I should give these to him, but then I have that fear he will say he doesn't want them or something like that.  I am probably over reacting to all this but I just don't know what I should do.  Two years has gone by, shouldn't I have given him this already?

Do you have letters and cards for your birth child and did you give them to your child?  Was the reaction what you expected?

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