If you would have asked me at any point in my closed adoption journey if I had any regrets, I would have said, "No way." This has been the party line to myself and others for a long time. And it's not a lie. Placing Katie with her family was the best parenting decision I could have made for her and myself at that time given that set of circumstances.
Until recently, that was as wide of a circle that I put around 'regret'. That's since changed. I have begun to realize that I actually regret a lot of things surrounding the adoption.
One thing I have struggled with is belonging. I had the same group of friends for years growing up. We went to school together, played in the band together, went to extracurricular classes together, and considered each other friends. When I got pregnant the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of high school, I was literally there one day and gone the next. My parents forbid me to keep in in contact with any of my friends, and I complied. They didn't want anyone to know where I was or what was going on.
After my pregnancy and adoption, I did return home, but only long enough to pack up our house and move across the country. I started a new high school my junior year and graduated with that class at the end of my senior year. But since I had moved to a small town and a small school, those kids had been together since kindergarten. Though I tried to blend in, I just didn't.
So I no longer belonged to the graduating class in my hometown because I didn't graduate with them. And I didn't belong to the class I graduated with because I hadn't grown up there. So a part of me feels like I don't belong anywhere.
Not a big deal, but one I have wrestled with as my husband's class reunions come and go. And as my friends talk about going to their reunions. I've never been to one of mine because I'm not sure where I would go and belong.