Holidays

For most of us the holidays can be the hardest days of the year.  What is supposed to be a time of joy is a time of sadness and mourning the little face we wish we could see on this day.  Usually I do well with the holidays, my adoption experience has been a pretty good one.  I have remained in good contact with the adoptive parents and we are planning our visit for this summer.

This Easter however was a hard one.  I made a big dinner for my roommates and a friend because none of us could go back home.  I couldn't help but imagine the life I would have had.  The "what ifs" are the hardest parts for me.  It's hard not to imagine what could have, or would have, been.  Her birth father and I are still together, which makes it even harder on some days.

I would be cooking Easter dinner and she would be running around in the living room in her little Easter dress.  She might be outside with her daddy searching for eggs in the bushes.  There would be laughter and joy.  But then I come down from that fantasy.  I think about everything else that would be surrounding that.  Would her daddy even be around?  Where would I have got the money for the dinner, for her little dress?  Would we be the midst of some kind of custody battle, something so many of my friends are familiar with.  Where would we even be living, with my mother in a tiny apartment?

Its hard to get past those what ifs.  And when you do its even harder to imagine the reality of them.  Its easy to think about how amazing life would be with your child, but its hard for me to imagine how hard things would be.

I know that for me adoption was for the best interest of my daughter.  That doesnt make this any less difficult.

How do you guys spend the holidays?  What is the hardest part for you?

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