November is my daughters birth month and it is also national adoption month so needless to say, it has been a rough couple of weeks. Most of the time I am happy go lucky and can see the light in most situations, but lately I have been feeling something I am not used to feeling, Guilt. Guilt about placing my daughter.
I have been having those moments of “I could have done it” or “What if I tried harder?”.
When I was pregnant and considering adoption guilt was never something I thought I would be feeling after the birth of my daughter. I knew I would be sad and emotional, but guilt was never something I considered. I still know that I did what was best for my child, there was no way I could have provided the stable and loving home that she deserved. We would be struggling everyday just to keep our heads above water and logically I know that adoption was the best thing that could have happened for her. Those what ifs are the most difficult things to get by. Your head says one thing but your heart feels another.
I decided to write about this to let any other birth moms out there who feel the same way that they are not alone. This journey is hard and there are so many different emotions that we feel, and none of them are wrong. I love my daughter and think of her often, as we all do. And guilt, along with many other emotions are just a natural part of the grieving processes.
I was recently talking with my best friend about how i was feeling and she helped me come to a realization. The grass is always greener on the other side. Had I parented my daughter and struggled through life with her I would always think that maybe had I placed her she would have a better life. I placed my daughter so now I am dealing with the other side of this battle.
The most important thing to remember is that you did what you thought was best for you and your child. You love them and nothing that happens will ever change that bond.
How have you dealt with emotions such as guilt? What other ways have you felt that you maybe did not expect to feel?