I have been needing to write a blog for quite some time but my words just haven't been able to roll off my tongue or even onto this very site. I have had massive writers block and I think it's because there are so many things going on and coming up that I'm just not ready for, so I've been holding on to them internally and just becoming emotionally shut off from the world. I've been very anti-social and not very up to talking to anyone, and when I do I feel myself getting snappy at people for no reason. My patience has been wearing thin, and I know that it's because I haven't processed my emotions the way that I need to.
I guess the best way to start processing is to just let all the feelings out, nothing held back.
I think, my biggest thing going on right now is my first REAL Birth Mother's Day, coinciding with Mother's Day. Last year at this time I was 1 month away from giving birth to the most amazing little man, and I received the most beautiful flowers from E's parents. And, I didn't really officially FEEL like a birthmom because I hadn't officially had him yet, the decisions were still all mine and the choices were mine and mine alone. But now, as the day approaches I'm just really nervous about it all. Because it's official that I am a birthmom, and I won't be able to spend that day with him, or when he's older get gifts from him that say "Mom" instead they will say "My Alicia" and it's just something that is hard for me to cope with I guess. I know that deep inside he has the GREATEST Mom in the world and she deserves to have the official day, and she has waited a long time to have a Mother's Day, and I never would want to take that joy away from her, it's just going to be something different for me I guess.
And I also guess that I am freaking out because I had this great gift idea for her for Mother's Day and with the economy I can't get what I wanted to get for her and it just makes me really sad. They are both so good to me, and they always send such wonderful gifts and they go way beyond what they ever need to or even well, have to. They don't HAVE to send me a ton of pictures, they don't HAVE to send the most amazing pick me up text messages or e-mails and they definitely don't HAVE to allow me to even know anything about E, but they do, they go far out of their way to make it known that I am his first mom and that I am always going to be his first mom and that that'll never change. And E's mom is sending me a birthmom gift, and personally I'm scared to even open it because I know how great it's going to be, and I know how meaningful it's going to be. I know that no gift that I ever get them will be greater than the one I gave them when I gave them E, but I just really wish there was always something more that I could do. I guess that that perfection isn't enough for me, I just want to do more, I've always been that type of person.
I have also been running through my head that this time next week E will be 11 months old. That's one month from his 1st birthday and 1 year after I signed the relinquishment papers and it all seems to just be piling up on me. I don't really know how I'm going to handle those things when the time comes but I for sure know that if things keep going the way that they are now that I'm going to be a massive wreck. I just have to try figuring these things out on my own without keeping all of these things locked inside. I guess it's so much easier for me to just let everything go internal without saying anything to anyone. Even though I know I have all of you amazing people that will be there for me, I always instinctively feel alone.
I guess another thing I'm upset about it that I don't get to go to the retreat this weekend, and it's not for not wanting to go, but it's this stupid economy that is keeping me. I tried to budget every which way and it was either go to the retreat or find a time to go see E and I of course had to choose going to see E. I know that there will always be more retreats for me to go to, but if I don't find a time to go see E then I don't know when I'll get the chance to see him again. I don't even know if I'll get to see E soon or not but I'm hoping to see him before he gets too big to cuddle with or love on, or to show that I'm still there for him, and that I still love him, and that I'm still "His Alicia" and that he can get to know me and not forget me.
Blah, just so many thoughts going through my head it's hard to keep them all straight. But this has helped me settle things in my head so that they won't be always on my mind and keep me wide awake at night.