Thursday, March 17, 2011

Abandonment Fear

I've been trying to gather my thoughts together for the past week or so since I was at church and we were doing this series called "Scars" and it had a section on Abandonment last week and I completely was a wreck the entire time that our pastor (we'll call him J) was giving the sermon. Hearing him talk about his own abandonment that he had as a child just brought back all these fears and demons that I had with my own abandonment as a child, and the fear I have the E will think that I abandoned him. 

I was sitting through the service with all of these thoughts and things going through my head about what he's going to think when he is older. I was thinking to myself, "is he going to think that I left him? that I just gave him up? that I never tried to contact him?" All of these thoughts were going through my head and I had to take a minute to myself. 

Even though I know that E has some of the greatest parents who will tell him anything he wants/needs to know about me, I always have those little fears that keep popping into my head. Because, I know that financially we can't really afford to go see him so I've been thinking he's going to be all grown up before I will be able to see him and he's going to think that I didn't care enough to come see him, or be there for special events in his life. 

I have just been trying my best to make sure that he knows that I love him and that I love him every single day and I'm always thinking about him. He is 9 months old now and I do get pictures, texts, and doctor updates but I seriously just want to hold him and tell him that he is growing into the most amazing little man on the planet and has such a cute personality. 

I don't know, I guess that I have been thinking about all these bad things that could happen instead of all the great things that are happening. He's growing up into a handsome baby and I love him everyday. 

"The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him."-Pablo Casals 

~ Alicia


  1. This is a deep fear for me. Especially since the Aparents don't feel a need to talk about adoption at all. I'm afraid that without knowing the reasoning behind she'll have a lot of fear and abandonment issues. There is nothing I can do to change it and so I'm just left to fear and worry.

  2. I love the quote at the end. There will never be another Ezra, ever! Thank you for being brave enough to choose life for him at the expense of your heart. He will always know you loved him first, that he was loved beyond measure from the absolute beginning! We love you!