Abandonment Fear

I've been trying to gather my thoughts together for the past week or so since I was at church and we were doing this series called "Scars" and it had a section on Abandonment last week and I completely was a wreck the entire time that our pastor (we'll call him J) was giving the sermon. Hearing him talk about his own abandonment that he had as a child just brought back all these fears and demons that I had with my own abandonment as a child, and the fear I have the E will think that I abandoned him. 

I was sitting through the service with all of these thoughts and things going through my head about what he's going to think when he is older. I was thinking to myself, "is he going to think that I left him? that I just gave him up? that I never tried to contact him?" All of these thoughts were going through my head and I had to take a minute to myself. 

Even though I know that E has some of the greatest parents who will tell him anything he wants/needs to know about me, I always have those little fears that keep popping into my head. Because, I know that financially we can't really afford to go see him so I've been thinking he's going to be all grown up before I will be able to see him and he's going to think that I didn't care enough to come see him, or be there for special events in his life. 

I have just been trying my best to make sure that he knows that I love him and that I love him every single day and I'm always thinking about him. He is 9 months old now and I do get pictures, texts, and doctor updates but I seriously just want to hold him and tell him that he is growing into the most amazing little man on the planet and has such a cute personality. 

I don't know, I guess that I have been thinking about all these bad things that could happen instead of all the great things that are happening. He's growing up into a handsome baby and I love him everyday. 

"The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him."-Pablo Casals 

~ Alicia