Holiday Heartache

The holidays bring up sadness and heartache for me as they do other birthmothers when they should bring happiness and joy. I'm not saying that I'm not happy but there is something missing, something that my heart yearns for. It yearns for seeing my son, to see him open his gifts on Christmas, to see him get so excited over being with family, and eating ham and sugar cookies.

During these times I tend to pull away, I tend to be non-communicative. I just want to be able to hold him, to tell him Merry Christmas, to tell him how amazing he is and that the miracle he is will never go unnoticed, even from Santa. But at this time of the year I know that isn't possible. I hope in the future that I will be able to see him and be with him on Christmas. I know that I shouldn't complain because I got to see him on his 1st birthday, and be there to celebrate with him, but I just can't shake the feeling that I want more. And that's hard to ask for since he lives 2,000 miles away.

I know that he is going to be surrounded by his amazing family, friends, and parents that I could ever ask for, but I always think to myself..."does he wish I was there?, does he think of me? does he know I'm missing?" And I know that is something I shouldn't be thinking of because well, he's 18 months old, but I always wonder if him as a child of adoption that he knows something is missing.

I feel like something is missing, I know something is missing and I feel it every single day and unfortunately this time of the year just exacerbates those feelings. I guess it's even more apparent when my sister-in-law is due to have her baby this month and my baby fever will just get worse. Seeing my family and friends having their babies during Christmas makes me wish that I could have him around just to know that I am with him. And I know that I have two other children at home that I am so very grateful for, but unfortunately this time of year makes my heart ache worse then ever.

And my heart seems to be aching so much more, now that he's getting older. In 6 months he will be 2 and I will no longer be considered a "new birth mom" I will just be well...I will just BE.

Why is it that there is never a day of rest? Or a day where I don't wish to kiss him? to hold him? to snuggle him? or to see his face? I see him in my children, because he is a part of me, and sometimes that makes it worse.

How do the holidays make you feel? How do you cope?

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