Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Across State Lines

This is my first blog in a really long time and I apologize for that but I haven't had steady internet. Lately, I have been thinking about how things have been and to me some of my thoughts that have been running through my head seem so selfish. I don't know why these things have been bugging me but I just have to get them out.

As those of you who have been following my story know, E is in Arizona and we currently live in Indiana. I've just been thinking a lot about how hard it's been. I like to say that I'm not missing anything in my life and that I'm fine with him being so far away, but lately it's been eating away at me. I am a part of a new birthmother support group on Facebook and it seems like a lot of the girls are literally a couple hours drive from their birth children, yet I'm a 6 hour plane ride or a 2 days drive away from my birth son. And it seems to be eating away at me daily.

I feel so envious of these women that literally don't have too far to go to see their children. But for me to see E it takes at least 4 months of planning and at least a year of saving just to be able to go. I know that I was able to see him in June, but I got so much flack for that, and it caused a huge strain financially, but I knew that I needed to see him, I needed to visibly know that he was okay and that he was happy (which I had no thoughts that he would be anything but). I hate not being able to call and set up a time to see him at least every couple of months and deep down it eats away at my heart. And I know that this isn't my fault, because I feel like we were divinely directed towards E's a-parents and that it was PERFECT and right. I just am having trouble seeing him grow up through social media and blog posts when I really wish that I could see him grow up through my lens as well.

I've also been dealing with the thoughts and feelings of K and T eventually maybe going "live" again for adoption and eventually another birth mother finding them and them eventually adopting again. It kind of hurts knowing that if it is what God wants then it will happen. I worry that if they find another birth mom and adopt again that I will be misplaced and foreshadowed by this other woman. Not that I don't think that they shouldn't add to their family because of me having these selfish thoughts, but I just keep having this continuing dream that they adopt and I'm eventually cut off. I don't know how to deal with these thoughts and feelings. I know that one day it will eventually happen. K and T have been very open and honest about how they are enjoying E and that their hearts are full and that they are very content in where they are right now but I just can't seem to shake that it's going to happen one day and that in a metaphorical kind of way there will be "another" woman. And I'll be pushed aside.

I know that these are irrational feelings and I shouldn't be thinking like this, but I mean come on, I'm human. As much as I love K&T I feel like my  heart will be ripped out of my chest the minute that I get the phone call, email, or text message stating that they have found another birth mom. As much as I love that another birth mom could have such amazing parents to take care of her child, I just can't wrap my head around the thought that she will be better than I, or that she will have more to offer, or that she will want a closed adoption instead of being like me with my clingy open adoption.

Yes, these might be irrational thoughts and fears but for me they are my real thoughts and because of them being across the country it makes things a lot harder.


  1. I'm so sorry that they are so far away from you! That would really be terrible.

    I, as an a-mom, have other fears about adopting again. You see, I fear that I will never love another b-mom as much as I love our son's! I fear that this new b-mom will never be able to live up to it. Isn't it funny how we all have our own insecurities?

    I truly hope that they will continue to have you in their lives as a priority!

  2. Totally valid concerns - but if you already have a good relationship - they aren't going to throw that away. A new birth mom wont change their feelings for you. We just adopted our second haven't lost any love for our first birth mom. They are very different from each other and we love them equally.

    Plus, our 2nd birth mom was SO loving and accepting to our daughter that it's made things feel so much better.

    The more you put forth the effort to love and accept the new child as well as the new birth mom - you'll likely fit in even tighter.

    That's my opinion, at least. :)

  3. Thank you @Bumber's Bumblings. It's nice to see things from an a-mom's perspective. <3

  4. Alicia - Here's something to think about. I read a blog by an adoptive mother in an open adoption with her daughter's bmom. She blogged about the reasons for being in an open adoption and how many a-parents fear that their child's birth parents will replace them in their child's heart. However, she used the analogy that parents have no trouble loving more than one child - that hearts automatically expand the more love you give. The same I'm sure will be true of you and E's parents. They will love you at least as much as they do already if they happen to adopt again sometime in the future. :-) Also, try not to worry about things that haven't started happening yet. You have enough to worry about on a day to day basis (not saying you're in a bad spot, just that life is enough for anyone to handle without worrying about the future). I worry a lot about things that might happen too, so I can put myself in your place. Hang in there. Remind yourself to not stress about the future. :-)