Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Across State Lines
As those of you who have been following my story know, E is in Arizona and we currently live in Indiana. I've just been thinking a lot about how hard it's been. I like to say that I'm not missing anything in my life and that I'm fine with him being so far away, but lately it's been eating away at me. I am a part of a new birthmother support group on Facebook and it seems like a lot of the girls are literally a couple hours drive from their birth children, yet I'm a 6 hour plane ride or a 2 days drive away from my birth son. And it seems to be eating away at me daily.
I feel so envious of these women that literally don't have too far to go to see their children. But for me to see E it takes at least 4 months of planning and at least a year of saving just to be able to go. I know that I was able to see him in June, but I got so much flack for that, and it caused a huge strain financially, but I knew that I needed to see him, I needed to visibly know that he was okay and that he was happy (which I had no thoughts that he would be anything but). I hate not being able to call and set up a time to see him at least every couple of months and deep down it eats away at my heart. And I know that this isn't my fault, because I feel like we were divinely directed towards E's a-parents and that it was PERFECT and right. I just am having trouble seeing him grow up through social media and blog posts when I really wish that I could see him grow up through my lens as well.
I've also been dealing with the thoughts and feelings of K and T eventually maybe going "live" again for adoption and eventually another birth mother finding them and them eventually adopting again. It kind of hurts knowing that if it is what God wants then it will happen. I worry that if they find another birth mom and adopt again that I will be misplaced and foreshadowed by this other woman. Not that I don't think that they shouldn't add to their family because of me having these selfish thoughts, but I just keep having this continuing dream that they adopt and I'm eventually cut off. I don't know how to deal with these thoughts and feelings. I know that one day it will eventually happen. K and T have been very open and honest about how they are enjoying E and that their hearts are full and that they are very content in where they are right now but I just can't seem to shake that it's going to happen one day and that in a metaphorical kind of way there will be "another" woman. And I'll be pushed aside.
I know that these are irrational feelings and I shouldn't be thinking like this, but I mean come on, I'm human. As much as I love K&T I feel like my heart will be ripped out of my chest the minute that I get the phone call, email, or text message stating that they have found another birth mom. As much as I love that another birth mom could have such amazing parents to take care of her child, I just can't wrap my head around the thought that she will be better than I, or that she will have more to offer, or that she will want a closed adoption instead of being like me with my clingy open adoption.
Yes, these might be irrational thoughts and fears but for me they are my real thoughts and because of them being across the country it makes things a lot harder.